I stood watching the cars slowly parade along the airport’s loading zone. A colorful array of hues running together, like a child’s finger-painting, in the rain obscured my vision. I had been standing by the front doors waiting for my contact for ten minutes. In those minutes I had watched two couples reunite and one woman slap a man, finishing by storming off. Wasn’t love grand?1
I hated airports. I hated flying and waiting was the worse. I turned my back from the window to stare down at the threadbare carpet. Fake potted plants were crammed in corners, giving the openness of the lobby a hotel feeling, not cozy but trying. Airports have been smoke free for a while, but a faint ash smell lingered at every one I had ever been to and this one was just the same.2
If my contact didn’t show soon I would find my way to Kale’s rented apartment on my own. Then I’d give Niles a call and see what was going on. 3
An impatient ‘excuse me, excuse me,’ penetrated my minor musing and I turned to see a tall man with dark unruly hair pushing his way through a crowd trying to make it out the door.4
“Miss Sheldon,” he called, raising a hand to wave.5
I sighed. He was for me. “Here,” I called, shouldering my carry-on. At least he was here, finally.6
It took him a bit to get through the gaggle of blue-haired ladies toting rollaway luggage. In that time I took a good look at my soon to be new acquaintance. 7
He was tall, I’ll give you that. Tall, but with some arm definition, as though he only worked his arms, though the rest of him lacked any muscles. I wondered if he fed himself. With large blue eyes, his looked too innocent to be working for a sister company of the Company.8
His clothes were rumpled and I thought maybe he’d slept in them, being as late as he was, and didn’t have time to change. One corner of my mouth turned up as I noticed his discomfort at pushing through old women. Oh yeah, a newbie for sure.9
My contact stopped in front of me and took a deep breath before speaking breathlessly, “Ms. Sheldon. So sorry for the delay. Traffic was a mess.” He stopped and stuck out his hand, “Boone.”10
I took his hand, noticing how soft it was. “Raisa, Raisa Sheldon. You here from the Company?”11
We shook while Boone answered me. “Yes, I’ll be your driver, tour guide, research assistant and all around go-to guy, while you are here.”12
I laughed, “So to say the least, you are my Gofer?”13
He laughed deep, as though he really was enjoying himself. This made me a little more at ease. “That about sums up my job in a nut shell.”14
“Well Boone, where to now?”15
Boone looked right to left, as though looking for someone watching us. “I’d say we hit the apartment.”16
“Kale’s apartment?" I asked.17
Boone nodded, then laid a hand on my forearms.18
Screams rent the air and suddenly people were falling to the floor. Loud pops echoed around the lobby and Boone pulled me down.19
From under my sleeves, I peeked out the front windows. A non-descript, dark sedan with tinted windows shot by. The muzzle of a gun barely shown through the top half of the passenger window. Flashes repeated several times as the car passed and then speed off.20
“You ok?” Boone asked, at my ear. His arm was still draped a crossed my shoulders.21
“Yes,” I said breathlessly.22
Chaos was still erupting around us. Boone pulled me up smoothly. I ended up against his chest. I could feel the hardness of one who worked out. Heat flooded down my body and pooled in my stomach. He was so not my type.23
Grabbing my hand and my one suitcase, Boone led me through the screaming blue haired ladies. The younger couples were struggling through the automatic doors. I noticed the security officers herding families and the like towards the back rooms.24
Boone pulled me toward the luggage belt. We passed unmolested through the swinging double doors. We entered an enormous room full of belts leading to various airplanes.25
He stopped just inside the large room. He shoved me to the left. We ran past belts loaded with bags. Passed workers walking stiffly with co-workers, until I spotted a unlabeled door.26
Pushing Boone to my right, I ran hoping this would be our way out. The coolness of the handle burned against the heat of the hands.27
I blinked rapidly as the light of the sun drenched us. Boone stumbled into me as he ran through the door. I stopped abruptly with Boone holding onto my arm.28
“Boone, where are you parked?” I asked over the alarm.29
He looked around disoriented before pointing to the left. We weaved through several rows of cars before coming to yet another nondescript sedan.30
“I suppose these cars are standard for your Company?”31
“You mean they aren't for yours?”32
I shook my head as I slid into the car. I was hit instantly with a minty smell.33
“Take it slow. Make sure it doesn’t look like we were in the airport when the gunfire broke out.”34
Boone slid his car out into traffic. He paid the dues and we sped along.35
After many minutes, the tension and excitement got to me. I gripped the door handle of the car as if it was an air hose and I was diving below the surface. It was my lifeline.36
“Were they after us?” I asked Boone, as soon as I found my voice.37
I could see that he gripped the wheel as tight as I held onto the door. The whites of his knuckles showed through. “Yes, yes I believe the drive-by was for us.” He paused to change lanes. “I don’t know whether they meant to hurt or kill, but they really wanted to make a statement.”38
I nodded before asking, “Where to now?”39
“Kale's apartment.” Boone answered with a trembling voice.40
In a list
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Good action and dialogue.I see the errors I noticed have already been mentioned, so I'll just say I enjoyed the read. Looking forward to reading more.
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Thanks for the read. I haven't finished this one yet, but I've got at least three people pushing me for more. I'm glad you liked it and it reminded me I need to fix the typos and stuff. So double thanks
Brooke
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You are building the plot nicely through action and dialogue.
Hi Brooke, enjoyed this active chapter with the humorous undertones.
Boone shouldn’t be out on his own
. Guess we all have to learn the hard way.
You are building the plot nicely through action and dialogue. It makes reading the story so much more fun
Found a few things you might want to look at:
He was tall, I’ll give you that. Tall, but with some arm definition, as though he only worked his arms, though (while) the rest of him lacked any muscles.
(This sentence isn’t clear.
I’ll give you that he was tall. Tall, but with noticeable arm definition, as though he only worked his arms and the rest of him lacked any muscles.)
Boone looked right to (his or the) left, as though looking (checking) for someone watching us.
Boone nodded, then laid a hand on my forearms. (maybe forearm since he only used one hand
.) 18
Flashes repeated several times as the car passed and then speed (sped) off.20
“You ok?” Boone asked, at my ear. His arm was still draped a crossed 9( across) my shoulders.21
I could feel the hardness of one who worked out. Heat flooded down my body and pooled in my stomach. He was so not my type.23()
Geri
plot: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Enjoyed reading your story. It has a great flow from paragraph to paragraph.
A few suggestions: line 25- we passed unmolested through the swinging double doors, entering into an enormous room full of belts leading to various airplanes. This keeps the action moving forward instead of slowing the reader down.
#26- Stopping just inside the large room, he shoved me to the left. Same situation here.
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Firstly, I can understand what mcfreeman is saying about present tense in paragraph 2, but I think it really depends on the feel you want your overall story to have. To hate flying is a state of being, thus is continuous. So do you still hate flying now, as you're telling the story looking back? By that, readers would definitely get the sense of storytelling, but putting it in past tense is also nice. It's just a different angle of attack. Though "hated flying" works better grammatically than "to fly."
I love the detail you give immediately to the airport, painting its flaws so that the reader doesn't like them much either.
After "I sighed" should be a period, not a comma.
"Tall, but with some arm definition, as though he only worked his arms, though the rest of him lacked any muscles." - The second "though" confuses me, though after some thought it makes sense. Rearranging the phrases here might make it more seamless.
Paragraph 9: "woman" to "women"
Paragraph 11: Since she takes his hand already gives the noun, you can use a pronoun next since it's still the same sentence.
Paragraph 14: "That's" to "That"
"He was so not my type." I love this line, and the obvious contrast between what she's thinking and feeling.
Paragraph 26: "stiftly" to "stiffly"? and non-labeled to unlabeled.
I notice in the last paragraphs, Sheldon says in a low and Boone says in a trembling voice. I wouldn't mind a little variation in the description of them talking, especially since they're so close together.
Excellent read, and now I think I'll go read the first book and the first chapter of the second! Thanks -
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Thanks for reading and I've made the necessary changes. Although, I'm not sure about the last two sentences. I will think on them and see what I can do about making them different from each other. I wanted to show that the emotions of the drive-up were the same in both characters, but I see now that it's not possible. People don't react the same in tense situations.
Thanks again. And I will also look at the description of Boone and see about losing the secone 'though'
Brooke -
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Edit to my own comment...
I actually meant the similarity of the formula. I think their emotions are actually quite valid; I'd be trembling and everything myself. I just mean the "in a x voice" part. Variation in the sentence structure I think is more what I mean. Sorry bout the confusion.
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awesome!
""He was tall, I’ll give you that. Tall, but with some arm definition, as though he only worked his arms, though the rest of him lacked any muscles. I wondered if he fed himself. With large blue eyes, his looked too innocent to be working for a sister company of the Company.""
I loved that description. It really had depth, and he feels real, even though through some depth he is slightly surreal in some ways. It's really terrific!
I seriously want to thank you for finding storywrite, because your story is turning out so wonderfully!!
-kk
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Thanks for taking the time to read this. And I'm glad you like this so much
Thanks again.
Brooke
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A few grammatical errors as you probally already noticed but overall it was good you should continue.
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Did I still miss some? Ugh, thought I got most of them. Oh well I will go back through and see what I missed
Thanks
Brooke
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Little stuff:
1. two couple - couples
6. I sighed he was for me. Needs comma or period after sighed.
8. feed - fed
12. ..answered her. her - me
13. "so to say.. - "So to say..
19. echoes - echoed
20. no-descript - non-descript
26. ran passed - ran past
31-32 "I suppose this are standard for your company?"
"You mean yours doesn't?" 31 needs rewording but I'm not sure how cause I don't know what they're talking about.
35. speed - sped
Alright Brooke! This chapter gets the story started off in an action mode the way the first one did. I likes.
Nice introduction to Boone. He looked awkward at first but seemed aware of what was about to happen before it started and took charge from there. It also gives a feel of what to expect while they are looking for Kale. Seems Kale has gotten into something deep.
Good description throughout. First of the airport and Boone, then the mayhem that ensued after the gunfire. Looks like things are going to get interesting right from the start.
Nice chapter Brooke. I can't wait to see who is after them and what/who they will find at Kale's.
Greg
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Thanks Greg and all fixed.
It almost wasn't going to have any action in it and I thought to myself 'this sucks' so I snuck alittle something something in there.
OK I haven't even started on chapter three yet. Guess I'd better do that before next week.
Thanks for reading and for liking
Brooke
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This is very good....but
I have a question: you chose to go to past tense in 2nd paragraph....I like present tense there...( I hate airports...). It begins the story tellers voice. -
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Thanks for pointing that out. Will look at it and do the necessary changes
Brooke
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Guns in airports?
Makes me think about the horrible shootings in India. I think most people reading this will feel the same sadness -
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You might be right, but I wrote this before that happened. I hope that most won't, though.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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