Mood

I feel like typing. My hands are warm. Too warm. Maybe the air will cool them down. This is a dangerous mood. A mood where a single question could make me spill my guts out to anyone. A mood for strange stories of the past, strange visions of the future, and strange happenings of the present, to be told. Why am I in such a mood? I don’t know. Perhaps I will never understand why, when, or how these moods come upon me. Such things normally cannot be explained. It is something I respect. But still, they come at strange times, sometimes at extremely inconvenient times. Times during which I am helpless to a single misplaced question. I feel as if my entire mind is being torn apart, trying to find secrets long locked away. Things that should stay locked. Memories that should stay sleeping. I feel them all stirring, coming to life, being freed of the bonds I have placed on them. Being freed of the past in which I have put them. Forcing their way into the present. Forcing their way before my eyes. Pushing and shoving, like a boiling sea that will not be laid at rest until every single drop of it’s water has touched the shore at least once. A sea that is millions of miles deep. A sea that is old, and full of monsters thought slain that were truly only laid to rest for a time. A sea that is also full of some of the strangest things you or anyone else has ever seen. That is my mind. My mind is full of dark places. Places unknown even to me. It’s a dangerous thing. I don’t believe my mind was ever built to be spilled to some passerby in my life who happened to say something. Some key thing. I’ve yet to learn what that key is. I wonder if it changes every single time, just to fool me. I feel so tight, and tense. Like a bullet in the gun. Like a gale holding it’s breath just before it wreaks havoc. It can’t be stopped. The trigger will be pulled, the gale will exhale. Chaos will rule for an instant. Then all will be changed. Irrevocably changed. It will never be the same again. That is my mind, that is this mood. That is how it will be this night. 12:00. It is the center of all things is it not? One day beginning as another ends. Right then. Then the trigger will be pulled. Then the gale will exhale and wreak the havoc it was created to wreak. Chaos will rule for that instant of time that it will always have in every heart. It will always have that special place in my mind and heart. It is a part of me. It always will be. That’s simply how it is. An irrevocable change in the very way of one life, maybe two. A change that can’t ever be undone. Nothing will ever be the same.1

6/1/06