These Secrets Will Kill Us.

Some people believe everyone has a purpose in this world, almost like the butterfly effect. If you could go back in time and kill a butterfly, the future would be drastically altered. Me? I think I’m just living to die.1

I began my essay with a half-hearted try, the worlds almost not making sense to me. We were told to write about our talents, and what we wanted to accomplish in life. I couldn’t think that far ahead, I couldn’t even think about the next day. All I cared about was the next hit. I could be intelligent, if I wasn’t so hooked on the heroin. The thoughts were in my mind, and wanted so badly to come out – but they wouldn’t form into coherent sentences. My leg shook vigorously as I tugged at my hair, the ideas of my future slowly changing to the actions in my past. All I could imagine was the belt strapped tightly around my arm… my hand slapping at my skin, finding a good vein… the sweet, sweet syringe dripping with my little piece of heaven. 2

“Emery?” A quiet voice called out to my right.3

I turned my head to look at the small blonde, her bright eyes lingering on mine. She was radiant, absolutely radiant - and the love of my life. An automatic smile spread on my face, I couldn’t help it. Every time I looked at her, I was completely euphoric.4

“Are you okay?” She asked, reaching over the aisle to grab my hand.5

A voice at the front of the room cleared it’s throat, and I immediately knew it was the teacher. I sighed and let her tiny hand slip from mine, leaving it feel empty.6

“I’m fine, Ketura.”7

She rolled her eyes, letting out an annoyed, cute sigh.8

“I hate when you call me that. It’s Tori. We’ve been together a whole year, and you can’t comprehend that?” Her tone was playful, and I saw her lips twitch as she held back a laugh.9

“I’m sorry. You’re adorable when you’re mad.”10

The teacher walked down the aisle and to our seats, looking down with a disapproving glance.11

“Do I need to move you two?”12

My heart raced with panic as I shook my head back and fourth.13

“No, no, no. I’m sorry.”14

“Then keep working on your essays, you both know they’re due tomorrow.”15

The tall, rather large woman walked back to her desk and took a seat. Once I figured she was distracted enough, I leaned back over to talk to Tori.16

“Are we hanging out tonight?” I whispered huskily.17

“Sure,” she squeaked back, shrugging her delicate shoulders.18

I smiled and kissed her cheek quickly before turning back to my essay.19

As soon as the ugly, huge bus pulled up to my house I practically ran down the middle of the seats and jumped down all three stairs. School was finally over, and I was free. Mom wasn’t home yet, thank God. I wouldn’t have to fuss with making up an excuse to why I wanted to be in my room alone for hours. I fumbled with my keys and I tried to unlock the front door, my hands trembling. I took a deep breath and calmed myself, finally finding the right key. I flew inside and let my book bag drop with a heavy thump. I never knew why I brought home so much work; I never did any of it. I sprinted up the stairs, my heart pounding. My closet didn’t have a door, so I simply stood on my toes and began rummaging through the boxes on the top shelf. When I found the right one, I pulled it out – causing several other boxes to fall in the process. I didn’t care though, they could stay there. I sat on my bed and opened the lid, gazing at the contents - my syringe, spoon, lighter, pipe… and my ever-deteriorating little white stash. I immediately dove into the box, adrenaline pumping through my body. I melted the white powder on the spoon, changing it into thick, bubbling syrup. I carefully poured it into the syringe and let a little fly out of the needle, testing it. Within minutes of making the liquid heroin, it was flowing through my veins – sending the feeling to every part of my body. My finger tips tingled with the high, my body relaxing back onto my bed. I simply stared at the ceiling for hours, my mouth hanging open – feeling the poison push through my body. I didn’t feel anything. Not thirst or hunger, though I hadn’t eaten since the granola bar I ate for breakfast, nor the intense need I usually had for Tori all the time… nothing. 20

A lot of time passed, though I’m not sure the exact amount. Things just kind of, blur together when you’re in that state. Eventually, I felt myself coming down and I heard my mom calling from down the stairs. I carefully made my way down the staircase, cautious not to fall. Once I made it, I smelled roast cooking in the oven. My stomach flipped in revulsion, my mouth opening for a dry heave. I had nothing to throw up. I swallowed back the spit that made it’s appearance in my mouth, and I walked into the kitchen. I felt the thirst, now. My throat was dry as a bone. I walked to the sink and pulled a cup out from the cupboard, filling the glass to the brim with water. I guzzled it down, and then began to fill another cupful. 21

“Thirsty, are we?” My mom asked, raising a thin eyebrow suspiciously.22

“I’ve been doing homework for hours; I didn’t even pay attention to how thirsty I was.”23

My mom’s observant eyes flashed to my unopened book bag on the floor, her eyebrow still raised.24

“Tori called for you, about ten times. You didn’t hear the phone ring? She left a bunch of messages.”25

My heart fluttered at her name, and the fact I forgot we were supposed to hang out.26

“Oh sh… crap.” I said quietly, biting my lip as I looked at my mom.27

She groaned, slapping her forehead.28

“Ugh, go ahead.” She waved her hand dismissively towards the door, allowing me to leave.29

“THANK YOU MOM!” I cried out, running out of the room.30

I grabbed the keys from the hook, figuring my mom must have found them on the floor and hung them up. I quickly climbed into my car and sped out of my driveway.31

Tori didn’t answer the first few door bell rings, or the knocks I was executing at her door. I tried her cell phone, still nothing. Finally, I walked around the house and started throwing rocks at her window. The action was childish, but I needed to see her. She opened the window, the curtains fluttering around her body as she looked down. Her blonde hair tousled around her face, the expression on it a mixture of anger and sadness. 32

“I’m sorry!” I cried out up towards her, the words dripping with honesty.33

“You’re always sorry,” Tori replied quietly, I almost couldn’t hear them.34

But I did, I heard everything she said. I was so aware of her, every little move she made I knew why. And when she crossed her thin arms across her chest, I knew I was in trouble.35

“Just let me come up, please?” I begged.36

“Why should I, Emery?” She shot back.37

“We can talk about this… let me explain.”38

Tori groaned and closed the window, and then I knew she was going to the door. I quickly ran back to the front and patiently waited for her to answer. Within minutes, she was there dressed in her pajamas. She had already showered, and her make-up was washed away, her face flushed from the warm water. I let out a quiet gasp at her beauty, the sight making me weak. She took it the wrong way.39

“Oh God,” Tori cried out, covering her face with her small hands. “I know I look hideous, I’m sorry.” She quickly pranced back into her house, her soft curls bouncing at her shoulders.40

I let a laugh escape as I chased after Tori, grabbing her small waist with my arms. I spun her around so she was facing me, my hands cupping her cheeks.41

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said in a low voice, “You’re stunning.”42

She blushed even more, looking back up at me. Her warm hands covered mine, and I smiled instinctively.43

“You mean it?” she asked quietly.44

As my lips met Tori’s, I thought all was forgiven. But I was wrong, dead wrong.45

After a few moments of a soft, slow kiss – she pulled away. The look on her face made my heart ache, why was she still so sad? We had made up, hadn’t we? Her arms slipped off of my body, and I we were now standing a foot apart. I felt so empty, so alone – even though she was right there. Something wasn’t right, I knew it.46

“What’s wrong?” I finally asked, my voice cracking.47

Tori shifted her tiny body, and I shifted in response. She covered her pretty face with her hands, a soft sob breaking through her chest.48

“I know what you’ve been doing, Emery. I’m not stupid.”49

My eyes widened, how could she possibly know about my addiction? No one knew, it was my little secret. She must be talking about something else.50

“Last weekend when I was in your room, I found it. You left some white powder on your desk. When I got to more investigating, I found it all. The stash.”51

I immediately felt a wave of hot anger crash through my body, which frightened me. I never got angry towards her.52

“What gave you the right I go through my things?” I bit out, my words harsh.53

Tori flinched back, a louder sob shaking her body.54

“I… I needed to know. I noticed when you were acting different, Emery. You… you’re not the same. Even now. Your pupils are so dilated, it’s actually scary. You’re practically shaking with anger, and nothing drastic is even going on. I think you have a problem.”55

Without thinking, I took a long step towards her and grabbed her arm between my fingers, squeezing the soft flesh. It felt so frail in my strong hand, I could easily snap it. Tori let out a yelp, and I knew I caused her pain. But at the time, I didn’t care.56

“Don’t you dare tell anyone.” I said angrily, bringing her face close to mine.57

Her terrified eyes were swimming with tears, widened with disbelief. 58

“Promise me,” I urged, squeezing her arm a bit tighter.59

“I promise,” she gasped out, her face twisting with pain.60

Finally, my hand unlatched from around her arm – a dark bruise already forming in the shape of my fingers. The proximity of the situation sunk in, and I groaned at the horror. I did this to her, and I couldn’t believe it. Her delicate hand rubbed at the blackening skin, wincing in pain. I took a step towards her, ready to apologize – but she stepped back.61

“Tori… I… I’m so sorry,” I said quietly, my own tears beginning to form.62

“No, Emery.” Tori replied, her voice slightly stronger than I expected.63

“Please.” I begged, taking another step towards her.64

She took several steps back, shaking her head.65

“Leave. Now. It’s… over.” She replied, forcing the words out.66

Tori turned her face away from mine, afraid of my reaction.67

Before I could do anything rash, I quickly ran out of the house – afraid I’d hurt her again. I deserved this, I deserved every stab of pain I felt as my heart shattered. Over? No, it couldn’t be over. She’d get over it… right? I tried to calm my shaking as I drove home, the attempt futile. I couldn’t control myself anymore, not at all. My emotions were out of check, and I was beginning to lose it. Heroin would calm me down. I remembered how I felt earlier, Tori was far from my mind then. That’s the only way to fix this. As soon as I got home, I knew that if I acted panicky my mom would be suspicious, and watch me all night. So instead, I sat in the car for a few moments – controlling my shaking. Once I felt I was stable enough to go in, I walked to the front door and pushed the door open. Inside, my mom was at the table eating the roast. The nausea rose in my throat again, but I held it back.68

“Hey bud, that was quick. You hungry?”69

I flashed a perfect smile, shrugging my shoulders.70

“Eh, no. Tori actually made me some cereal at her house.”71

My mom let out a laugh, shaking her head back and fourth.72

“Did she burn it?”73

A forced laugh in response escaped my lips,74

“No, no. She kept it pretty simple. I think I’m going to go to bed, though.”75

“Did she wear you out?” My mom asked, winking dramatically.76

“Ha-ha, very funny.” I said sarcastically with a convincing eye roll, skipping every other step as I ran up the stairs.77

Once I reached the top, the familiar feeling of what was coming soaked my body, the excitement fluttering with more intensity as I stepped over the fallen boxes to get back to my closet. Once I had the necessary things, I immediately went to work. Within a half an hour, I was still going at it. Tori wouldn’t push herself out of my mind, and I was almost out of the beautiful white powder. I had injected almost a whole fifty dollars worth, which is more than I ever tried. Finally, I snorted the last little bit – hoping the mixture of the two methods would cause an unbelievable high, and they did. The room around me started to dissolve, and my heart raced with panic. What was going on? This never happened before. I felt myself slipping in and out of consciousness, and it was scaring me. I was usually pretty aware of my surroundings, and suddenly – I had no idea where I was. My heart didn’t feel right… almost as if it hurt to keep the blood pumping through my body. It was straining, faltering… and I felt it. My eyes were glazed when I looked in the mirror, and I had no idea who was staring back. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come out. I dragged myself to the bed, feeling my heart slow. Despite the intense fear I felt, it continuing slowing. I was gasping for breath by now, what was happening? Was I dying? At the words in my head, I expect my heart to race – but yet again, I was disappointed to feel my heart barely moving at all. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest as I gasped for one last breath, but nothing filled my dead lungs. My last glimpse of the world was my ceiling, something I stared at all too often. The dark lasted only for a moment, until a bright light blinding my senses. My grandpa stood there, dressed in all white. He was beckoning me with his crippled hand, and I easily followed. I wasn’t scared anymore.78