A yellow school bus passes by, followed by a white truck, and a red van, she pays no notice standing there eyes fixed on the leaf dancing in the wind. Floating first right then left, around in a circle, up, and to the right again. Sinking ever closer to the ground, to be left forgotten, unable to show it's beauty upon the branches any longer. The chilly fall winds carry it past her balcony swirling it around in such an intricate last dance. The sun warm on it's golden colored skin, up, around, left, right, dips low as if the wind let it go for a moment, then suddenly catches again lifting it higher unwilling to lose it just yet. A second leaf from higher in the tree joins it's brother in his parting dance, weaving such beautiful designs in the air.1
A young blonde woman stands on the balcony of her second floor apartment, arms folded, hip resting against the railing, watching the solemn beauty unfolding before her. Unconsciously she wipes away the single tear slowly sliding down her pale cheek. She's unable to stop the thought "is this how it is, this last dance, to slip so unnoticed by so many from life, to be forgotten." Wondering if, in her life, she'd fulfilled her purpose, or whether she'd slip through unnoticed, and uncared for, rather like the leaves. 2
Suddenly a small orange and black bird passes overhead, bobbing one way, then the next, catching her attention. From the corner of her eye she sees a large fierce looking bird swoop from behind the branches of the tree in front of her, it's raptor gaze intent on the meal ahead. She watches as this bird plucks it's prey from the air, feathers scattering in all directions as the predator flies off to it's nest, only God knows where.3
So alike animals we are, voracious appetites, killing with no mercy, attacking out of the blue with no thought to tomorrow, or regret for the deed just done...they, at least do it for a meal...but what about us?4
Distant sound of someone's bass coming closer as the car nears her apartment, some old heap, with a blue hood, and a black door, driven by some young kid, blaring his choice of music as if he thinks he'll miss a word if it's any lower. "I'm tearing away, pieces are falling I can't seem to make them stay, you run away, faster and faster you can't seem to get away, I don't care about anyone else but me, I, don't care about anyone, or anything, I, don't care about anyone ....BUT ME"5
She shakes her head as she thinks "Is it any wonder society is the way it is, people wandering around with just that attitude...I don't care about anyone else but me. Everyone having issues, troubles in life, no one to turn to, everyone running from them in fear of being asked to help. Makes one wonder what caused them to change, to become this new, uncaring, selfish society, when years past neighbor helped neighbor as often as possible".6
She can't help but notice the two young girls walking down the sidewalk, talking in loud voices. "Did you see what she had on today, I mean damn how fucking pathetic can you be", "Yea, I know, what a damn skank, looked like she woke up this mornin and just tossed on last weeks dirty clothes", "Did you hear what Mike said to her?" "No" (girl laughs) "he said my god bitch get a fucking life, buy some real clothes stop shopping at Walmart, oh wait you probably can't afford real clothes can you, most skanks can't" ( other girl laughs) "damn and I missed that shit"...she's thankful their voices slowly fade as they pass out of range...7
Watching, and listening to those two girls, sheesh..they can't be over 14, talking about another classmate as if she was less than human, less than them in fact. What kind of parents do these kids have these days, do they not teach them respect, or to care for one another. Such degrading comments from ones so young. Of course she remembers yesterday, the little black girl, with her high pitched, childish voice, telling some black, adolescent boy, slightly older than herself, "get off my fucking bike you stupid nigger bitch" the boys retaliation, "fuck you cunt make me get off your fucking bike"....lordy does she remember her jaw dropping, and the look on their faces as she leaned over the balcony rail telling them to watch their mouths. Talk about everyone involved being equally shocked. Lord please tell me these aren't the kids my young son tries to play with while he's out riding his bike, the language they use is atrocious. 8
Another leaf makes it's slow deadly decent to the cold uncaring ground below, her eyes drift along watching it's last beautiful dance. Such golden hues portrayed along it's shiny spine. Veins no longer pulsing the life blood it so needed to remain firmly planted on it's birth tree.9
Her thoughts turn inward, to the phone call she received some years ago. "Hi Laura, this is your father (as if I didn't know his damn voice by now, as if it wasn't ingrained in my very core, making me cringe at the first sound of it) I am calling to let you know we received word from your brother about three weeks ago, it appears your mother has died...he's having her cremated and wanted to know what you'd like to have him do with her remains"..."shit flush her down the damn toilet for all I care, she means nothing to me, she lost that a very long time ago, as did you"..."well be that as it may, I thought I'd pass on the message"..."yes thank you for that...better late than never huh"..."oh that reminds me, your uncle Larry passed away roughly the same time your mother did"..."I'm sorry to hear that...if you speak to aunt Carol please pass on my condolences, even tho I'm sure it doesn't matter"..........Did it matter?..did any of it really matter she wonders..doubtful, these people were no longer her family.10
unfinished...
Author notes
This is a most assuredly a major work in progress...one small section of what I plan it to be...just here looking for general feedback on it's quality. The title for this chapter may change as it draws nearer an ending, I am unsure as of yet...and at this point I am not sure if I will add more to the beginning or not..but ty for taking the time to stop in and read this, any constructive comments would be most appreciated.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
Generally, you'd double space between an ending paragraph and the new starting paragraph but in this case, I loved how the story started off...
not many stories can instantly start off with images coming to full bloom in the beginning but nevertheless the approach taken as i found out, being mother nature watching this happen(if im not mistaken) was executed flawlessly
...Hope to see a chapter two outta of this
Rae -
Things were a little vague in the end, but the imagery was great all throughout. I hope you could develop some ideas on why she's like that to her family... Slowly reveal it.
-
This is turning out very well, poet friend! We hope to see more of this story as it progresses for so far, it's wonderfully written! Pen on, poet friend!
-
Unfortunately I'm in college at the moment and don't have the time to give this the complete criticism that it deserves, and like someone else has said, i wasn't ready to sit down and read a novel, but you have done this very well so far - you've the gift of taking a place from your imagination, or somewhere, and bringing it alive to the readers.
Not only that, you've caught the senses well too - seeing the place, hearing the leaves / people talking, the kind of laughs they have (liked the stage type directions used in there as well) the smell in the air etc - perhaps including an idea of taste could be good, to cover all of them - just a thought
And you're portraying the characters very detailed too, in a good way - unfortunately, as I said, I'm in college so I only skimmed over this instead of reading in depths, but I will check back on it later, hopefully, and keep an eye on it as it progresses
Excellent job so far though! -
good job
This is a beautiful piece of image that you place to kiss our eyes my friend, you took me in the begining and you lost the grip, i think you need to go extra length to bring out the expression of the characters, the narative sense is great but i feel you need to make the subject and object full with extra life...great combination and flow. keep it up my friend -
Wow I wasent really ready to sit down and read a novel but i'm glad I did you did a excellent job at writting this and you also used great imagery I can't wait tell your finished.
-
Expressive
Fascinating read, I did have a little trouble with the paragraph on birds and your conclusions. The predatory bird was simply having lunch the same as you and I when we stop and order a hamburger (we pay to have the cows slaughtered, butchered and cooked for us). Anthropomorphizing animals is always a tricky thing, to me anyway. LOL
Also, I'm interested in the mother's apparant hypocritical views of others, not realizing she's doing the same thing. Would love to find out why Your descriptions are vivid and lucid and the gritty talk of the ghetto kids seemed realistic to me, it was harsh, but then life is often harsh. The two girls cattiness rang true, also. But then, it's been 40 years since I was that age and we were plenty catty, don't know how girls talk today
Going to bookmark this one and hope to see what you do with the existing version and what comes next!!!
-
awesome story. beautiful write in such descriptions.
well expressed .great imagery and well penned
his turned out alot better then it had began.It did work here very well with the flow and the images given were very good.Good job.thanks for the read. -
Sure just let me know what you're confused on and I'll be more than happy to explain.
-
wow.. very good i got all of it but i started getting mixed up in the end.. would you be able to explain. love roxy
-
bearygood I guess I fail to see where I compared a hawk to a bee, by saying the hawk made a beeline for the smaller bird lol...hasn't the term beeline always referred to a straight line?...I do believe I will leave it as is, at least for now. Either way I am thankful for your honest opinion, and of course you taking the time to read and comment on this piece
-
A small bird passes overhead, bobbing one way then the next catching her attention, she sees a large brown bird swooping from behind the branches of the tree in front of her, making a beeline straight for the small bird, plucks it from the air, feathers scatter in all directions as the hawk flies off to it's nest, only God knows where.
This is very visual, and I like everything, but the "bee line ..
I don't know how I would replace it..but I would. Something..but that's just me.. I love hawks and can't compare them to bees ..
on any level.. -
this turned out alot better then it had began.It did work here very well with the flow and the images given were very good.Good job. Keep this style up.
-
Well I do thank you for your thoughtful comment, it obviously took you some time to formulate what you wished to say which means you indeed wish to help...and that I appreciate...obviously I need to go back through and clean this up considering you've managed to get confused in who was talking to who lol...the mother and daughter looking through the sliding door were brief characters not meant to be known or revisited later in the write. The blonde on her balcony is not her mother..and more description on her will follow as the story leads on..one can not give it all away at the onset. The dialogue between all 4 children must remain the same, for that is exactly who it took place, I being the blonde in the story know all too well that's exactly what was said lol...I can't change that. Besides it's a key point..life is harsh...crude..not always neat. I'll go back through checking some of the other points you made...see of those what I am willing to change..again ty for your honesty..but might I add, for future reference (since I myself have made this mistake myself a time or two on here)..some of what you said was well for lack of a better word..rather bossy lol...I took it in the context meant granted, but others might not..I could have easily taken offense to how you said some things..not so much what you said...but how you said it...clean this up, change that, so on so forth...when giving critiques it is necessary to let the person know this is your opinion, you feel it might be better this way...or however you wish to say it...for example comments such as these...."Try giving each new speaker a new line, so its evident who's talking" "That needs to be neatened up a bit because the way I read it, the pace was totally wrong." really aren't the best to leave for someone due to the way they are worded this could cause issues with others. Again as I said, I did take it in the context you meant it..which was to be helpful...so no worries with me, but a different person might be leaving you a rather rude comment about now if it had been left with them lol...ty for taking the time to read this, and comment.
-
The beginning was very good and I thought I was going to enjoy this, but I'll be brutally honest, you totally lost me in the end. You're dialogue also really bothered me and I'm not sure why, maybe just the way its all crammed together. Try giving each new speaker a new line, so its evident who's talking. The dialogue between the two nine year olds was very truthful, but maybe a little harsh. Could we maybe describe how their voices sounded? So we can make we can tell that they ARE children. Also, the dialogue between the two fourteen year old girls was TOTALLY and unforgiveably unbelievable. That needs to be neatened up a bit because the way I read it, the pace was totally wrong. I do agree that it does happen and that often classemates are teased, but you made both of those characters switch between ghetto-fabulous and valley girls. It just really bothered me. You had some very beautiful lines, especially when you mention the leaves falling. I also don't feel a very strong connection with your main character, you gave her this almost hypocritical vibe and if you're going to do that, you really need to delve deep into what characteristics make her that way. I mean, she was harping about the attitude of the teenage boy with his music, but she's too busy for her own daughter? The daughter didn't have much of a personality either, just a mention and that's fine, but if you could give us just a few little important characteristics about her, it would add to the story. Also, her dialogue with her mother is also really messy and it affects the way I read it. Don't feel like I'm picking on you though! I really did like the idea. I wish you all the luck in the world with you're writing. Thank you for sharing.
-
I thought this was incredibly well-written. The detail, the imagery were all superb; great job. I hope you do write more, you have captivated me with your words. Not only did you tell a wonderful story, or rather, begin one, but you've also brought up some very good points about the way society is today. Wonderful writing that makes for a wonderful read. Thank you for sharing
-
Well ty again Lynnie, as always much appreciated, I am glad you liked it
-
I love it the way it is. The title is taking a line from the story that is small but important. The story describes the world how it is now beatuifully. Awesome Job
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
