And that's how it all began...

It was a typical Saturday night. The Planets were hanging out at the Milky Way Café, sharing a few laughs. (The Interplanetary Gravitation Law hadn’t been enacted yet) 1

“Everybody game for the fishing trip to Andromeda next week?” Saturn looked around expectantly. 2

Jupiter yawned, shifting his rather plus-sized bottom a little. “I’m ready. It’s been a hell of a year babysitting those asteroids. I wish I could afford another moon to take care of them.”3

“A good moon is hard to come by these days.” Pluto nodded. “I have been looking for ages.” 4

A small sigh escaped from the armchair. They all turned to look, as a bouncy tear ricocheted off Mars’ ruddy face. 5

“It’s Venus again. She’s off with Mercuria on their shopping trip, leaving me to take care of the little one.”6

A waitress came by with their coffee. Mars rubbed his teary eyes and pretended to be a red giant. The girl stifled a giggle and walked away.7

Saturn looked away, slightly embarrassed. Mars had always been the sentimental one. Millennia ago, at a party, Mars had gotten extremely drunk and challenged a real red giant to a duel. It was, of course, over a pretty Planette they’d just met.
At the decided time, sober and scared shitless, he dropped to his knees, bawling like an asteroid. Luckily, the red giant had a sense of humour. That’s when he'd earned the “God of War” sobriquet.8

Venus and Mars had had a tumultuous relationship. After yet another drunken party and a malfunctioned prophylactic, they had been blessed with a child. Neither of them had been prepared for the responsibility, and the poor Planet kept getting tossed from one parent to the other.9

“Bring him along!” Jupiter boomed. 10

Saturn frowned. He didn’t like the turn things were taking.11

“Could I?” Mars looked up, lachrymose. Puffy eyes pleaded in hen-pecked pity. 12

“Oh all right, all right! But you have to manage him by yourself.”13

And that is the story of how a little rock called Earth came to go on an intergalactic fishing trip. And the little fellow would have enjoyed himself too, had his absent-minded father not left him with the bait in the bait-basket. Only after returning did they realize that the slimy, fungus-covered, nit-infested ball of moss was the squeaky clean child they’d taken along.14

The consequences were dramatic. Needless to say, Venus was furious. 15

The Planet Saviour Group filed a public interest suit against intergalactic travel, fishing, and use of unsterilized bait-baskets. And that was when the Solar Confinement System was created, and all the concerned parties were remanded to custody. Of course, they later called it the Solar System because the Planet Saviour Group filed another suit stating that the word ‘confinement’ implied a restriction of their planet rights.16

Since then, Venus and Mars don’t see each other anymore. Little Earth has grown. The little nits multiplied boundlessly, stomping out most of the tinier nits and ticks. Now they even attempt to fly out to Lunar, Earth’s closest friend and companion. Wedding bells are expected soon.