Excerpts From a Mother's Diary

February 23rd 1

Lost my baby. I lost her. They told me the baby was a she, they told me she was born dead but they still told me that my little angel was a girl. I was going to name her Penelope Ann. I always loved that name. My little angel Penelope Ann, my baby angel, Mommy wants to see you so bad. Jim was angry. Jim wanted to see Penelope Ann, and Jim had wanted to see James Junior too, but both of them are angels and God didn't think it was right to keep them on Earth. They will be raised in Heaven with Gabriel and Michael and all of the other angels, and they will watch over Mommy and Daddy. 2

April 12th 3

Mrs. Amerino told me the book store will be closing down. I'm not sure what to do. She said she'll try to help me find another job. I don't know if I should work anymore though. I don't really want to go outside anymore. I hurt all over. My face hurts and my body hurts and I don't like having people ask me about the bruises. I tell them I'm clumsy but they give me looks and tell me that I can talk to them about anything that might be going wrong. I know what they are thinking though. They think Jim is abusing me. That's not true. Jim is so smart and so nice and so handsome, and he's a doctor too and makes me very happy. He just doesn't know how to let out his anger. He tells me he's sorry and tells me he doesn't want to hurt me. We'll make it work out. He's just as upset about the babies as I am. 4

April 15th 5

I'm not catching. We keep on trying, but I'm not catching. I want my babies and I want Jim to be happy, and I don't understand why God won't let me hold one of my babies. 6

April 29th 7

I don't know if I should be writing this down. I don't want Jim to know, he would be upset with me and I don't want him to be upset with me. His job is so stressful already that I don't want to be causing more trouble for him. But I need to tell someone or something about this because my heart is about to break and I don't know what to do about it but cry and cry. 8

I went to another doctor, an ob/gyn that Jim doesn't know, and I asked her about why I wasn't catching. She said it could be a lot of reasons. She said I could be trying too hard and the stress was stopping me. I said that could be possible. She said my diet could be the problem too. I told her that I felt too sick to eat lately. I told her that losing my babies had made me depressed, even though I shouldn't be because it was God's plan. She said she wanted me to get a medical exam just in case. 9

That was last week, and today she told me what the results were. I was knitting a baby blanket - I had been sick that morning and thought it was because I caught and the doctor was going to confirm that to me. She said I wasn't though, and she said I wouldn't ever be again. She said I wouldn't be a mother! I screamed at her and I asked her why, and she said something complicated and I couldn't understand and I think I hit her but I don't really know. This can't be it! It can't be over! I already gave God two of my angels and I want one for myself. I don't want to be greedy and I don't want to interfere with His plan but I want to hold one of my angels! 10

I'm going to another doctor. This one was wrong. Has to be wrong. There has to be a pill or something to help me. It can't be over now. 11

May 9th 12

God, oh God. I'll do anything if you make the results tomorrow right and true. I've done so much for You, I pray to You and go to church and I don't sin and I try to help Jim get through his anger. You wouldn't do this to me. I've been so loyal to You. I pray to You and to Jesus and Mother Mary and the angels watching over my babies. If I don't deserve a baby, Jim does. Give me a baby and let me hold him or her in my arms and if You decide to kill me after then it's fine just give me and Jim our baby. 13

May 10th 14

If I can't have my babies in life, then maybe God will let me watch James Junior and Penelope Ann grow up in Heaven. I hope God is kind enough to give me that much. 15

May 16th 16

Jim's angry at me. He should be angry with me, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid that I wish I could have just died like I should have and he wouldn't have to yell and hit me anymore. I ate a lot of Tylenol but he came home and saw me and yelled at me and because of me he had to go back to the hospital and I got better there but I wish I didn't. 17

May 20th 18

Samantha watches over me during the day. She's a nice lady. She lives across the street and she brings over her knitting and her favorite books and we knit and read together. I wonder if Jim pays her to watch me. I hope not. He works so much as it is that I don't want that to be another burden. I want him to work less and to be home with me. 19

May 22nd 20

Jim called me at noon and told me that he found something in my medical records. I was scared and I asked him what. He said he wanted to know why I went to two ob/gyn's. I was afraid and I didn't want to lie. This was Jim and he was working on his anger and we would be able to work it out, I told myself. I said that I went to find out why I can't have babies. He asked me what they said, since my records didn't have the reports. I told him that I wanted him to come home soon so I could tell him. He said that was stupid and that he was doing important work and I could talk to him when gets in tonight. I said that was okay even though I really want him home soon because I sort of want Samantha nearby when I tell him just in case. 21

July 14th 22

I don't think God has ever been there for me. I don't think God ever wanted to include me in His plan. I think He sold me to Satan and took my angels away so I wouldn't taint them and make them awful and stupid and evil like I am. Jim can watch over them in Heaven for me at least. I wish I could see them but I never will now, I'm going to Hell now. I didn't mean to kill him, I really didn't, but that doesn't matter. He was only angry at me and I don't think he would have hurt me but that knife scared me and I had to get it away from him and do something but I should have just let him kill me. My life is worthless anyways. 23

Tammy is my cellmate here at the county jail but she doesn't like to talk. I have someone else to talk to though. She has a sweet voice and talks to me when I close my eyes to sleep or to cry. She's smart and she tells me stories sometimes and she keeps me company. She tells me it was never my fault, and that makes me feel good. It was my fault I tell her but she says that I had to do it so it was okay. I ask her if my life is pointless and she tells me that it's only pointless if I don't do the right things with it. I ask her what the right thing is and she tells me that she knows and that if I give her my body for a little while she can make my life better with magic. She said I can again see the blue sky and smell the grass and feel the touch of men. I asked her, if I give my body to her, would she help me get a baby? She said she would try. 24

I told her that I wanted some time to think about it, and she was nice and said I had a day to decide. I think I want to help her though. It's so hard to be alone and I don't want her to leave me. Maybe she can help me defy God and give me an angel of my own.25