Dark Fury - Query

Author notes

Please comment!!! If you were an editor, would this query letter make you want to read Dark Fury?

If you would like to read Dark Fury, here is the link:

http://storywrite.com/story/38110

Thanks,

Andy

Comments

• By me, right now

  Adding your comment:
• condor
  December 6, 2008
  
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  Yes, i would love to read dark fury after reading this query. I'm just wondering why it is called, a query. You didn't seem to be asking a question at all. Maybe i have missed something. Anyway, I'm going to follow the link and read it.I thought this was a good piece indeed.

  beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
• • 
    Andy Stephenson
    December 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Thanks Condor

    Thanks for commenting and all the applause. I appreciate it. I'm glad this made you want to read the story. A query is a letter sent to an editor or publisher to convince them to read a story or longer write.
    
    Andy
• 
  Sgs
  November 20, 2008
  
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  A query letter, wow, I am surprised to see this but maybe I am still too new to the site? Does this get posted a lot?
• • Andy Stephenson
    November 20, 2008
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    Hi Sgs!

    Generally query letters do not get posted on the site, unless it is for a contest or as in this case, a class assignment. In the assignment, I was required to get opinions on the letter. So, I decided to feature it.
    
    Thanks for reading and commenting.
    
    Andy
• 
  Anaya Roma
  November 20, 2008
  
  Edit | Reply
  I would re-write the letter as follows:
  
  Dear Ms. Johnson:
  
  I would like to offer for your consideration, Dark Fury, a fantasy story. At 2,200 words in length, this story leads to a journey from dreams to reality in the life of a medieval hero.3
  
  Phillip, a mere peasant farmer, enchanted by a dark sorceress, princess to the king, is driven by magic to attempt a deed beyond his knowledge and skill. In his dreams, Phillip is visited by this mysterious woman who calls for him to serve her in a mission. Unskilled and unprepared for the job, his brother warns him, saying that he should ignore this evil phantom. In spite of his brother's warning, Phillip responds to her call and sets out to fight for the lady who he is compelled to love, trusting her magic to guide him.4
  
  I've included my story, as requested and I thank you in advance for considering my submission.
  
• • Andy Stephenson
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Thank You!

    I patterned this after the model given us by the teacher. Your version does read well. However, the teacher says to begin with a hook. So, I guess I should.
    
    Thanks for reading and commenting.
    
    Andy
• 
  Luckyk
  November 20, 2008
  
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  Ok try replacing the second paragraph with the first. It seems to flow better that way to me. It's up to you but I'm still going to read Dark Fury anyways.
• • Andy Stephenson
    November 20, 2008
    
    Edit | Reply

    Hi.

    I found a problem with the first sentence that I corrected. I'm trying to follow the format laid out by the teacher of the class. I think he'll like it, but he wanted me to get some opinions of it first. I was overlooking a structural problem in the first paragraph.
    
    Thanks for reading, commenting, and the suggestion.
    
    Andy
• slashinguk
  November 20, 2008
  
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  Sorry Andy but the first paragraph is enough to put me off. The intro in the second paragraph makes more sense and the grammar of the first paragraph is broken too.
• • Andy Stephenson
    November 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Well,

    I patterned this after a query letter written by the teacher of the class. I hope that he likes it better. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I appreciate it.