Just As You Like It.

I don't know how long she's been inside my head, it seems forever, but it's probably only about a year or so. She doesn't let me speak; I open my lips to say something and she's there, spewing out things that make little sense to those who hear the words; and thinking it's me they look at me with that stare they all have which seems to say: Poor you, how did you get it so bad.1

My father sits down in a deck chair and lets his head rest with a mild satisfaction on his thick lips and protruding dark eyes. My mother, next to him, has little expression of satisfaction; her eyes have a cruelty that seeps through the drawn down lids.2

"Look at those clouds," Father says, jutting out his stumpy finger. "Aren't they fine clouds, Reta?”3

"I will no longer endure it," the voice says, leaving me dumb. My eyes stare at the seascape as if to divorce myself from the voice and words.4

"You always loved the sea and clouds," Father says, sliding his eyes over me with the slowness of slugs.5

"Know you where you are, sir?" the voice asks.6

"Why you have conversations with her is beside me," Mother says. "She's not said a word of sense for over a year."7

“Would you rather I said nothing to the child?" Father replies. His protruding eyes settle on Mother lazily.8

"She's fifteen years old," Mother, states," hardly a child." She looks at me with my dark hair held by white bows and my plump body held within a white dress. "The day she speaks sense, if that comes, I'll speak to her myself quiet happily."9

"Anna, you are too unkind to your daughter." Father looks away from Mother and allows his eyes to return to the sea and clouds.10

"And you, Karl, are too kind." She closes her mouth; the lips tighten against her teeth. She looks away from me and closes her eyes, her head at rest on the back of the deckchair.11

"It is to be made of sighs and tears," the voice says. I stare at my hands in my lap as they twist within each other like fond lovers. I can hear Father sigh and Mother's mutter beneath her breath. I can hear the seagulls above me tormenting with their cries and the voice within me taunting me with her silence.12

***********************13

Her name is Rosalind, she who speaks and dwells within me. She never told me as such, it just came to me as any thought comes unbidden. I have an image of how she looks and how she would appear to others could they see her. It's almost there in front of me, yet not tangible.14

"Are you going to sit staring out of the window all day?" My brother Adam says. He stands behind me, his voice vibrating against my ear.15

"Leave her be," my sister Celia says. “She can stare if she wants to stare. What is it to you?"16

"We're going out and Father says he wants us all ready, including her," Adam says emphasising the "her" loudly.17

"Come on, Reta," my brother Dennis says," out of your dream world." He lifts me by my arm out of the chair and I turn and look at him. “You will break men's hearts one day, no doubt, but for now, let's get ready to go out."18

"I do desire it with all my heart," my voice says, leaving me to stare blankly.19

""Good," Adam says. 20

The others prepare themselves around me. I stand where Dennis lifted me as if I were a statue. "Go apart Adam," my voice says. Adam sniffs, but says nothing. "Why, whither, Adam, wouldst thou have me go?" my voice asks. My eyes follow him as he moves near the door.21

"Any where as long as it's miles from me," Adam says moodily. He goes out of the door and the others gaze after him.22

"Reta," Dennis says. "Why do you always upset him?"23

"Do you expect an answer?" Celia says. Dennis shrugs. Celia gives me a glance that sweeps over me like a soft brush. Her eyes undecided; her features open.24

"Sweetest nut hath sourest rind, such a nut is Rosalind," my voice says. I look away from them and stare out of the window.25

"Little hope for her, then," Dennis says,” this Rosalind."26

I go to open my mouth and speak, but nothing comes, just a movement of my lips. Feeling frustrated I grab at Dennis's arm. He taps my hand and I release him.27

"Who is Rosalind?" Celia asks. Dennis moves his shoulders in a shrug, but is silent.28

"A worthy fool," my voice mutters.29

"Well spoken," says Dennis.30

"Best go," says Celia," Father is calling." They move towards the door, and then stop. I am motionless. Dennis comes and takes my hand and we leave the room, closing the door quietly after us.31

*************************************32

Orlando holds Celia's hand as we walk along the sea front. He and she met a few days ago at the dance in the hotel; Dennis and Adam share Audrey between them. Audrey is Orlando's sister who was also at the dance. I lag behind with Father and Mother like some pet dog.33

"Orlando has charming manners," Mother remarks quietly, letting her eyes settle on Orlando like soft raindrops. "A rare thing in this day and age."34

Father, whose gaze at been on the seascape, turns reluctantly and focuses on Orlando ahead of him. "Rare indeed," he says,” but he has breeding. That's what counts, Anna, that's what counts."35

"Orlando, where have you been all this while?" my voice exclaims loudly. I look out to sea, distancing myself from the voice and Rosalind.36

The group ahead stop and turn round. Father and Mother gaze at me and then at each other. I feel their eyes on me and turn round.37

"Do you have to bellow?" Father says.38

"If you can't say anything sensible, say nothing at all," Mother states.39

Orlando puzzled by the outburst lets out a small smile. "No harm done, just a jest," he says. Celia clutching his arm glares at me. Dennis frowns. Adam and Audrey shake their heads and tut-tut softly.40

"Come, sweet Audrey," my voice says softly. "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" I put my hands over my mouth to stop the flow of words.41

"Take her home, Mother, before she embarrasses us all," Adam says.42

"You take her home," Mother replies. Her eyes darken and her features harden as if set in stone. Adam shrugs his shoulders and taking Audrey's hand they walk on along the sea front with Celia and Orlando following behind.43

"Reta, why not walk with me down to the sea," says Dennis. His expression his mild, his eyes searching me like some crime detective. I nod, but say nothing. Rosalind is silent. My heart thumps as if punched. The others walk on away from us murmuring amongst themselves like hens.44

"You don't make it easy on yourself, do you?" says Dennis staring out at the sea. "Mother was all for leaving you behind, but Father thought you ought to come. Don't let him down, Reta."45

"I am she that is so love shaked," the voice says gently.46

"Love shaked?" Dennis repeats. "Whom do you love?" He smiles now and his eyes brighten as if recovering from blindness.47

"Let it suffice thee that I trust thee not," the voice says coolly.48

"Whom do you trust, then?" asks Dennis.49

I want to say, but she will not let me reply. I shake my head and stare at him in frustration. He turns away from me and stares at the sea again.50

"Punish me not with your hard thoughts," the voice says suddenly.51

"Mother will punish you, if you carry on like this, Reta," says Dennis. His eyes return to me; there is a sadness there. I grab his arm and open my lips to tell him what has happened to me, but only her words come.52

"How weary are my spirits." 53

"Let's go back to the hotel and rest," Dennis says.54

"We still have slept together," the voice says. Dennis blushes and pulls himself free of my grip.55

"You must not say such things!" Dennis states, moving backwards away from me. "Either be sensible or keep quiet." His eyes harden and his lips tighten against his teeth.56

I want to cry, but no tears come. I bring my hands together as if I were about to pray and fall on my knees on the sand. He watches me as if suddenly it had dawned on him that I was insane. Taking my arm, he lifts me up and brushes away the sand from my dress. "Reta, what has happened to you?" he asks. No reply comes. I stare at him, wanting him to hear my inner thoughts; wanting him to understand, but he doesn't. He sighs deeply and moves me forward up the beach slowly as if I were a child again, as if locked away from him I had become a stranger. Rosalind chuckles beside me. She finds it all a joke; the whole world is one big piece of folly to her. Big piece of folly. Piece of folly. Folly. Folly. Folly. 57

********************************58

Dennis has left me alone in my room at the hotel. He was uncertain of what I might say and so left without even a kiss. Rosalind said things, but I was silent. "Do not fall in love with me, for I am falser than vows made in wine," she said with my voice. Dennis closed his eyes and sighed deeply and left.59

I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling. I have a feeling that Rosalind wanted Dennis here on the bed beside me, but he didn't stay; not this time. 60

"Down on your knees!" Rosalind demands loudly. My lips move without my consent and I sit up staring ahead of me. "Thank heaven, for a good man's love," the voice adds.61

I open my lips and she allows me to reply. "He's my brother."62

"He's fallen in love with your foulness," the voice says ignoring my remarks.63

"Who are you?" I ask moving my lips again.64

"I am your Rosalind," the voice says softly.65

"Are me one?" I ask.66

"Thou and I are one," the voice confirms. 67

I go to reply, but she stops me. My lips disobey me like mutinous soldiers. "Down on your knees!" the voice demands again. I move off the bed, slide to the carpeted floor, and kneel like some penitent nun. "I desire you to sing," the voice says. I want to stand up and leave the room, but I can't, my knees seem rooted to the floor. My lips open and I seem to be singing an aria from an opera. The sound of the voice fills the room and I seem powerless to stop it. Staring at the wall opposite, I try to focus on where I am and what is happening to me. The voice suddenly stops and I fall forward onto the floor. A strange sense of release fills me and I stand up and walk to the window. The voice is silent, but I know she's still there; I know Rosalind is waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.68

***************************69

Mother, Celia, Audrey and I are walking along the beach the following morning. Father and the boys have taken a boat out fishing, Orlando being the brains behind such a venture.70

"Hope you're feeling better today," Celia says, looking back at me over her shoulder. "Dennis said you were not too well yesterday."71

"The good night's sleep should have made her fit enough for our walk today," Mother suggests.72

"I know I cannot please you," the voice says. I stop abruptly and stare out at the sea.73

"You can please us by being sensible and not talking rubbish," Mother states, gazing at me as I stand a few feet away. "I don't know what's got into you this last year or so, you're not the Reta we use to know and love."74

"Perhaps she's going through some sort of mental breakdown," Audrey says softly.75

"We shall find a time, Audrey, patience, gentle Audrey," the voice says. My hand reaches out for Audrey's hand and I squeeze it gently. I don't know what makes me do it, but I look at her intensely taking in her frightened eyes and pale complexion.76

"What is this nonsense?" Mother asks. "Release her hand, Reta."77

I release the hand and let my own flop by my side like a dead thing.78

"Are you all right, Audrey?" Celia asks.79

Audrey nods her head, but says nothing. She looks at me and meets my own gaze that is fixed on her features and eyes. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes.80

"Let no face be kept in mind, but the fair of Rosalind," the voice murmurs.81

"You'll have to return back to the hotel, Reta, if you can't behave," Mother states firmly. 82

Audrey moves away from me and stands by Celia. Fear is in her eyes I notice. Rosalind laughs loudly and Mother turning on me suddenly smacks my face. It feels as if my head has exploded and all my thoughts scattered across a vast room inside my skull. I try picking up the scattered thoughts as if they were pieces of some abstract puzzle, but Mother grabs my arm and moves me away from the other two girls.83

"I won't have you behaving like this," Mother snarls like some wild tiger. "One more attempt at misbehaving and I'll take you back to the hotel and..."84

She stops. Her words hang in mid-air. She sniffs contempt and turns away from me. They walk on along the beach with me just a few steps behind, none of them turning to look at me, none speaking as if I were there, but amongst themselves, like witches stirring a foul brew, they murmur their words. 85

*******************************86

Audrey is alone in her bedroom; she is facing a mirror brushing her hair. She turns as I close the bedroom door behind me and stand with my back against it. 87

"What do you want?" she asks, holding the hairbrush in mid air.88

I don't bother to attempt to say anything because Rosalind would only stop me. My lips move and she speaks: "How shall I answer you?"89

"You shouldn't be in here," Audrey says. "If you don't leave I'll call Orlando."90

"O' my dear Orlando," my voice says softly. I move closer to Audrey and stand beside her. "So perfect is my love."91

"Go, Reta, or I shall have to call your father," Audrey says attempting to stand up. My hand pushes her down and holds her firm on the seat. I seem to have no control over my hand or lips as I witness this unwillingly. Audrey opens her lips to shout, but my hands cover her mouth roughly and drag her close to my body as if she were my prey and I the predator.92

"Patience, gentle, Audrey," the voice mutters. My hands hold her tightly, her head pushed hard against me. After a few moments of struggle, she goes limp and my arms release her. I watch as she slips down to the floor and is motionless. I want to kneel down and hold her, but I do nothing; just stare at the still body.93

Rosalind allows me to speak. "What have you done to her?"94

"Will you sing?" my voice says. 95

"What?" I ask. My lips open and my voice sings an aria from an opera. I want it to stop, but she prevents me from speaking; only the singing now fills the room. I stand over Audrey's body, my voice rising higher and higher as if it would make the very room expand with its force. Then it stops and all is silent. I listen intently in case the others should come, but they don't. I kneel beside Audrey and touch her face. It is lifeless. Her eyes are half-closed as if she couldn't decide whether to open or close them. Her lips were parted and an odd blue colour.96

"Foul slut," the voice says. My fingers pull at Audrey's cheek roughly. "Unworthy shoulders," the voice adds, as my fingers touch her upper body.97

"Whose heart within her bosom is?" the voice asks coldly, my finger prodding at her breast.98

I want to stand and run away; to shut out all that has happened, but I can't move. I seem rooted to the spot as if glued there. Only my eyes can look away, but I know Audrey is still there; I know she is never going to speak or smile or cry again.99

"Let's away," the voice says suddenly. I am lifted up, my legs carry me out of the room, and my hands close the door gently as if even the slightest thud would bring the whole building down. "Let's away," the voice repeats, "let's away." My legs move faster along the passageway. The walls seeming to move in upon me as I pass quickly along and down the stairs to my own room. "There is murder in mine eye," the voice whispers, "murder in mine eye." The room fills with the whispered words; they buzz about like black-eyed flies.100

*********************************101

I don't know who found Audrey's body, but the whole passage is alive with voices and footsteps and banging on doors; with whispers and moans seeping through the wooden door of my room. Rosalind is pleased: I sense her pleasure in my bones. 102

"Reta?" a voice calls the other side of the door. "Are you in there, Reta?" The door handle is turned and Mother enters. She has shock in her eyes; they are red rimmed and her features are pale. "Have you been here all the time since I left you?" Mother asks.103

"All the world's a stage," my voice says. I sit up on the bed and gaze at her.104

"This is not a time for nonsense," Mother states.105

"Why do people love you?" my voice says coldly. I move to the edge of the bed and stand facing her.106

"Audrey has been found dead in her room," Mother states emotionally. "Do you know anything about it?"107

I want to say what I saw, but Rosalind prevents me speaking. I peer at Mother as if her words were spoken to another and not me. She moves towards me and grabs my arm. Her reddened eyes stare into mine. Her grip tightens on my arm causing me pain. I remember she spanked me once and that was like this: painful and done coldly.108

"Speak, child, speak!" Mother shouts.109

"I can do strange things," my voice says softly. Mother hits me hard across my face so that my skull rings like a bell on a Sunday morning. She releases her grip and I stagger away from her and sit on the bed. "Puking in the nurse's arms!" the voice shouts at Mother who moves towards the door. 110

Turning she glares at me and her eyes narrow. “You are not fit to be with us." Her words drift across the room to me and settle on my shoulder like a tamed bird. Her head shakes and she leaves the room, slamming the door behind her like an annoyed child.111

"Last scene of all...Second childishness, and mere oblivion," the voice whispers to me. Rosalind laughs loudly; the sound fills the room like a foul smell. I can do nothing but sit and stare and watch the door and sense the pain of my slapped cheek wither away like a wasting limb.112

*******************************113

A policeman sits opposite me in Father's hotel room. I sit on the green armchair with a faded pattern and stare at Mother. Father stands behind the policeman his face stern and unmoved like granite. 114

The policeman's words, spoken softly, fail to engage my attention. Rosalind is singing in my head some Mozart aria she loves. Mother's eyes are on me as mine are on her and neither of us blink. I wonder if she too can hear the singing, but I see no expression of her having done so on her face.115

"It is pretty much useless,” Father says. "She's not said a word of sense for over a year."116

"Was she and the victim friends?" the policeman asks Father.117

"She has no friends," Mother states bluntly, allowing her eyes to leave mine to settle on the policeman.118

"Would she have any reason to do the victim any harm?" the policeman asks both Father and Mother.119

Father shakes his head. "No. She's harmless."120

Mother says nothing. Her stare returns to me and I see doubt there lingering in her eyes.121

"There was said to be singing coming from the victim's room: did anyone hear this?" the policeman asks.122

"Singing?" Mother says. "What sort of singing?"123

"Opera or some such thing," the policeman says.124

"There was singing, I recall," Father says," but I didn't note where it came from. A lovely voice, though."125

"I don't recall Audrey ever singing opera," Mother says.126

"Perhaps it wasn't," Father says.127

"Who, then?" Mother asks, looking at Father, then, the policeman.128

"Whoever murdered the young woman, possibly,” the policeman suggests.129

"How strange," Mother says softly.130

"And such a beautiful voice," Father says, looking at me.131

The policeman spoke again, but I was not listening. Rosalind sings so beautifully that I am lost to all but the aria filling my skull. Just as you like it, Rosalind, just as you like it, just as you like it.132

*****************************133

THE END. 134