I'll sit by the bridge and listen
to the man who never whistles,
hardly breathes and never speaks
but his eyes they sing his sad epistle.1
There's this lady who appears
to have moved only a few meters the last thirteen years,
She is going to nowhere,
and it can't be much longer until she is there.2
And the girl over by the pond,
her eyes are closed and she smiles like a sun.
She's waiting for a kiss that will never come.
A life, a dream, since long forgone.3
There's a guy sitting under a tree,
who thinks anytime now he'll get up and leave.
He never will, but he doesn't see.
I don't know, but he looks a lot like me.
Author notes
These are originally the lyrics for a song I wrote, and not a poem. I excluded the chorus, as it didn't really work in poem form, that's why the title "Falling Things" might make little or no sense to you.
A contest entry
- Anything! by NinjaMegami.
180 points, ended November 28, 2008, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - poetry by trekkergirl.
175 points, ended December 10, 2008, 93 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Wonderful lyrics. As a poem I was a little lost, but that is just me.
-
I don't know this kind of flowed okay. I actually liked it. Though could probably be fleshed out a little bit more. Though I am not all that certain about that either. I liked the idea of describing the people... Girl going no where. and at the end putting you in it and saying that there's this man... looks like he's gonna get up... yet he never does. Like it great ending to this poem. Thanks for sharing this with us. And thanks for entering it into my contest.
-
Outstanding Short Piece
A very engaging and well written song indeed. This image emerges while I sing along with the words of your piece, as it fills my mind with complexity and sorrow. I sense the feeling of hopelessness, yearning for a Higher Source of Empowerment. Outstanding short piece.
Sabbay
plot: 5, ending: 5.
-
-
Thanks, I find it pretty amazing that you can actually sing along, as finding the melody for a song with such an irregular number of syllables in every line tends to be very hard. A "Higher Source of Empowerment", as you put it, certainly wasn't anything I thought about when writing the song, but I guess it's a good thing that you can relate to the song in your own way.
-
-
Poetic Lyrics
Somehow, things interconnect without connecting, as weird as it seems, your friend's comments shaped how I felt and it was accurate. Within your piece, I sensed a song. Now that I can gauge your reaction, I sense an ackwardness in my comment. However, I just re-read your piece and it still reminded me of the lyrics to a poetic, meaningful, yet mind-twisting song.
Sabbay
language: 5.
-
-
-
This makes a lot more sense when thought of as a song than a poem simply because it doesn't flow or have the slightest vaugeness of rhyme as a poem but it sounds good as lyrics. I'm wondering in the last line of the second stanza so you mean 'it can't be much longer until she isn't there?' it doesn't make a lot of sense to say 'it can't be much longer until she is there' because you've already established that she's there. Otherwise I really enjoyed this.
-
-
Yeah, maybe I stretched the rules a little by entering a song in a contest for poems. Myself, I count songs as poetry, but I know everyone doesn't. Also, to understand the line you asked about, you have to include the line before it, "She is going to nowhere, and it can't be much longer before she's there." In nowhere, that is. As in she's going to die soon. Glad you liked it!
-
-
I myself do consider music to be a form of poetry, just poetry with well music/sound. That does make a whole lot more sense if I read them together, than I take that back
-
-
-
Oh wow,
this was very cleaver. I loved it!
XD
the rhyming was so wonderful, it flowed effortless.
truly amazing.
-
-
Really? Myself I thought the rhyming was pretty bad in this one. Pretty much none of the rhymes actually rhymed. I mean "pond" and "sun"? What kind of idiot would try to get those two to rhyme? But if you didn't think so, I guess it's not so bad after all.
-
-
I loved it to death!
I mean yea I can see where your coming from with "pond" and "sun". but the rest of the feeling you get from the poem makes it sound okay.
♥
-
-
-
This is really good. I know that's cliche and unhelpfully, but it's the only thing I can think to say because I don't see anything wrong with this!
-
-
If you honestly mean all that, it's definitely all but unhelpful. Who says I don't need a pat on the shoulder once in a while?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
