1
He came to her with big glassy eyes,2
She greeted him with such a surprise. 3
He didn’t know how to say it,4
All the debts he had created. 5
She knew something wasn’t right,6
His expression was as dark as night. 7
As she stood in the room, a sudden chill in the air,8
Her heart raced, waiting in despair. 9
He was a man of cards, 10
And this one would leave the family scarred. 11
Their future gone, all gone12
Not a penny left, it all went terribly wrong.13
Her mouth dropped open. 14
They now could not spare a token. 15
Their children’s futures gone in a dash, 16
Him gambling away their hard earned cash. 17
The oldest was going to be a doctor18
This came as such a shocker, 19
The twins were going to school,20
How could he be such a fool?21
Her golden band glittering with diamonds22
Flew through the air with the force of a Titan. 23
She knew there was no other way, 24
One way or another he was going to pay!25
Along with the icy cold January air, 26
He knew that it was only fair27
To hesitantly sign the sheet28
And move along on his own two feet.29
Author notes
This is my second piece, please give me all the critizism you want, I need it!
Did you understand what happened at the end?
Comments
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I take it that she divorced him? Gamblers....ugh they bother me so much! They just throw away money like there is no tomorrow. It's a good thing they have therapy groups for this now. Great write! -Liz
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Very sad actually. Great job and welcome to the site.
Rian
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Alright, where to start on this. First lets see if I understand this propperly. This man gambled away everything, he doesn't have enough money to send one child to college (maybe he gambled the saving bond?) and than he has twins and a wife wo still live at home. He needs to tell his wife what he has done but does not know how. Now in the end does she figure it out and kick him our or is the family evicted?
Along with the icy cold January air, 26
He knew that it was only fair27
To hesitantly sign the sheet28
And move along on his own two feet.29
It appears that its one or the other, the confusing bit it like 28.
Off of the subject of the meaning of the poem now and to the rhyming. Obvously this is not a free-form poem but one that is meant to rhyme. There are two things that can go wrong with a ryhming poem, it doesn't rhyme (the ryhme isn't consistant) or it is killed with basic, flat, bland rhyme. You did both.
Look at the last word of every line
Eyes
Surprise
It
Create
RIght
Night...
You use a very basic format for your ryhmeing (eyes and surprise) and (Right and Night) which can be good and bad. If you use more advanced and creative words that say Fool and School this format can work wonderfully but with simple wording it become repetatve, boring, elementry. Also when this pattern is broken (It and Create) the error becomes obvious. I'd recomend working on your rhyme or trying free verese poetry.
Have you been on Allpoetry (the poetry link at the bottom of the page) they'd be able to help you far more than I can.
That was probably more than you wanted to hear from me. I do like the subject matter though, I worked at a casino so I saw many many people throw a lot of money away on the hope that they'd make it big
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