Welcome to New York, Snow White!

Snow White was a very pretty young lady whose mother had been a very wretched and unattractive person, and who wished her daughter would not suffer the same fate. The Gods took pity on her, and gave her a beautiful little daughter with skin as white as snow, hair and eyes as dark as night, and lips as red as a dark, dark rose. Of course a lot of ladies were jealous, and a few boys love-lorn, and her stepmother tried to murder her, which meant that despite poor Snow White Sr's efforts, Snow White ended up suffering anyways. But she got to be friends with seven dwarfs, and they were playing in the garden, when this tale began.1

Snow White was feeling very sad because the dwarfs were calling her a dumb blonde, and she wasn't even blond, but her stepmother was, and she wasn't dumb, she was sly and crafty and cunning.She was mourning this very fact when suddenly a rabbit with a watch appeared, muttering "Alice is going to kill me for being so late, " and Snow White immediately ran to capture him, as she loved (capturing) animals. The dwarfs ran after her too, as she was a princess, and they were living in the hope that her parents would give them a large sum of money in return for her, and they could finally go to Neverland where they could ask Tinkerbell to reverse her curse upon them, and whether she managed to win the heart of Captain Hook or Peter Pan still thinks she likes him, but that's another story.2

Snow White then fell into a large, large hole which seemed to be neverending, and started screaming and the rabbit muttered, "Shut up you lousy bitch! You're worse than Alice!" before they landed with a thud on hard, grey coloured ground. Snow White immediately started crying as she felt so weak and hopeless, and of course, a rabbit who measured upto her knee had called her a lousy bitch, instead of beautiful princess. But then the seven dwarfs landed one by one-Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Doc, Bashful and Happy and then she started laughing as they fell over each other, and started screaming, even Happy. Of course, Grumpy didn't scream. He just sulked. Sleepy didn't scream. He just gazed adoringly at Snow White's perfect, flawless, dimpled cheeks.3

Snow White soon realized she was in a city, as there were loud noises, and lots of colours, vibrant ones that she didn't get to see in the countryside, and a big glass house that was probably a market. She called the dwarfs to her side, but they were all lost, except Grumpy, who just stood there, sulking. Snow White bravely said, "Let's go find them, Grumpy!" Grumpy sulked, and walked along with her, as they tried to find their companions.4

*5

Sleepy looked at the stars from where he was lying. They were so difficult to count...he was just about to drift off to sleep, when suddenly, a beautiful young woman dressed in rags appeared. She gruffly said, "What are you doing here! Geroff my pavement!" Sleepy dreamily smiled, and as she laid down on the pavement, sat down next to her.6

"What is your name?" he asked.7

"Marissa."8

"What do you do?"9

"I am a beggar."10

Sleepy frowned. A beggar? That was too bad. But even then she wasn't whining all the time like Snow White.11

"My name is Sleepy."12

"Good for you then"13

Sleepy ignored her sharp reply and laid down on the pavement too, right beside her. He was faintly aware of her hand pulling down his trousers before he went off into Dreamland.14

*15

Dopey was lost. Lost and hopelessly confused. He went left and right, and forwards and backwards, but nothing happened. Feeling dejected he sat down on the pavement. Was that some woman making love to Sleepy? Sheesh, not even a day, and he was having such fun! Great! He was jealous by now. He looked down and found a lamp. He rubbed it,and suddenly a genie appeared.16

"My name is Mohammed something-something. I give you one wish. Take your time, I can catch up on some sleep then"17

"Wait a minute, isn't it supposed to be three wishes?"18

"Yah, but I'm getting really tired, so one it is."19

"Well, my first wish is that I get a billion wishes!"20

"Okay. What's the first one?"21

"Well, I'd like to get that hot girl who's making out with Sleepy as my wife."22

Dopey had hardly asked for a car, when he asked the genie, "How many wishes have I used up?"23

The genie was about to say, "Two-" but stopped midway, that is on a sound like T or to which he changed to "Too many" 24

"Your billion wishes are over."25

Dopey gave a contented sigh before realizing one thing-he had only a wife and a car. Frowning, he turned around and looked for the genie. "Genie? Genie?"26

Marissa went back to fondling Sleepy.27

*28

Sneezy sneezed and coughed. A parade of environmentalists was occuring on a clogged street, pushing the cars to the brink of the pavement on which he was walking. One second he had been fighting with his brothers, the other second, grey smoke had enveloped them, and in order to get out of the fumes as quickly as possible, he had dashed out into a random direction-and met more smoke. His temper finally snapped when he saw a man smoking a cigarette. He pulled it out of his grasp and stubbed it on the ground with his shoes. The man angrily got up and started chasing Sneezy-he ran out into the street and bumped into one of the environmentalists. He soon realized it was Snow White.29

"What are you doing here?" he asked, confused.30

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do," supplied Grumpy, erm, grumpily. Snow White beamed, but then her face fell. "This isn't Rome," she whispered.31

"Shut up!" said Grumpy angrily. Then he stomped off, annoyed. "Why is he always so irritated with me?" she asked Sneezy sadly-but Sneezy had disappeared into the smoke. When it cleared, there was Sneezy lying on the pavement-quite dead.32

"Help!" Snow White cried out! When no one came to help, she opened Sneezy's mouth and was about to breath down into it. But then she decided that she didn't want all the inhaled smoke to come into her mouth. Screaming "Help, Help" she stood around for a few hours, till the man who was smoking the cigarette came. Seeing Sneezy dead, he immediately bent down and performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Sneezy woke up, pretty dazed.33

"Thank you," he said.34

"My name is Franklin," said the man.35

"Mine is Snow White", Snow White offered.36

"He looks so cute," thought Franklin.37

"He looks so hot," thought Sneezy.38

"That kiss was amazing," thought both.39

"Ewwwww," thought Snow White.40

*41

Leaving Franklin and Sneezy to admire each other, Snow White walked ahead, searching for Grumpy and the rest. Suddenly, she was surrounded by a gang of thugs. They had a strange headdress, and they wore jewellery and they had an odd thing in their hands that they were pointing at her head.42

"Come with us pretty girl," they breathed down her neck. Though their breath was quite disgusting, she felt pleased by the 'pretty girl' comment. She was about to follow them into a dark alley, when suddenly, Bashful appeared.43

"Stop!" he cried, and gritted his teeth at them. "Don't you dare touch the princess!"44

"Bashful, they are nice people! Stop that!" Snow White cried out, but Bashful ignored her and strode past. The thugs pointed their gun at him. "Who are you to tell us anything?" they cried, and fired the gun, except that it bounced off Bashful's muscles. He simply picked up one of the thugs and slammed them to a wall. The other thugs started punching him, but Bashful started hitting them back, aiming kicks at them, and throwing punches in some *ahem* very vital *ahem* areas. Finally, they lay broken, their heads lolling about, their tongues sticking it out. Quite a few people had witnessed the fight.45

"My name is Mr. Kudo. I would love to have an assistant karate instructor..."46

"My name is Warren Cage. I am as everyone knows, a famous Hollywood stunt director. Now I think you'd be perfect for the next James Bond film..."47

"My name is Ashley Tripton. Mr. Bashful, you can look forward to quite a lot of bashing at WWF..."48

*49

Snow White was quite tired of walking by now. She soon arrived in a huge forest, and settled down on a wooden bench. At least she was home or in a place like home anyways...was that Happy conducting a laughter club with those environmentalists there? She didn't blame them, the parade itself had almost paralyzed her legs...50

She could see a wizards' meeting in a far corner where smart wizards, dressed in white coats, listened to Doc making a speech.51

"Therefore, my thesis proves that AIDS is not a dangerous disease at all, you just need to follow my simple recipe for a cure and not prick your finger on a needle like Snow White's mum did...-hey, there she is! Snow White, come here, I've just discovered the disease that killed your mother! Snow White dragged herself towards the meeting and, unable to bear it anymore, collapsed. Suddenly, a pair of strong arms caught her, and she turned around to find Grumpy holding her.52

"Grumpy?" she asked surprised, not because he had appeared so suddenly, but for the first time in her life she had realized that Grumpy was quite...young.53

"Hey Snow White. Are you okay?" he asked uncomfortably. 54

"Yes,thank you for asking," she said, though she was still dazed.55

"What happened? Where had you gone?" she asked surprised. 56

Grumpy sighed. "I was feeling...angry. Okay, so when I first met you, you were really whiny and annoying, but then I got to know you better, and well, I have this mega-huge crush on you, but you were just ignoring me and well-57

But he didn't get to complete his sentence, because at that moment, Snow White flung herself into his arms and kissed him.58