Tri Sister Wars: Warrior Maiden, chapter one

Kara stretched and rubbed at her eyes. “Morning already?” She grumbled sourly. 1

She sat up and slid out of bed, hurriedly dressing. “Damn…where’d I put those pants…” 2

She fished through a mess of clothing that littered her floor, hooking a pair of worn jeans by the belt loop. “Ahh, there you are.” 3

She pulled the jeans on, and stumbled over to an old, dusty mirror that leaned against the wall. “Good, at least this’ll do for today…” 4

Kara pulled absently at the edge of a white blouse, trying to comb knots from her hair with her fingers. Long dark curls bounced up and down as she untangled the rolling locks. “Um…oh well, I’m not here to be fancy.” 5

She grabbed a coat off the rack and bolted through the door. 6

Regaining her composure half way to her destination, she walked elegantly into a room with a low ceiling. 7

Four people were seated within, three on bent old metal chairs, one crouching on the floor. An old, dirt covered table stood in the center of the room, the chairs placed around it. 8

Kara snorted at the tiny assembly. “Four, and all guys, eh? Where’s everyone else, Greg?” 9

Greg, a short man with thick rimmed black glasses and greasy brown hair, looked up. “I believe the went off hunting, on Dan’s orders, Ma’am.” 10

Kara sighed moodily and leaned against the wall. “Dan again? He seems to be taking charge lately, doesn’t he? I don’t trust that man. Next time he gives an order, tell the troops to ignore it.” 11

Greg checked something off on a notepad. “Aye aye, Cap’n, Ma’am. It shall be done!” 12

Kara nodded approvingly. “Good. Well then, what’s the news thus far, mates?” 13

A man named Cliff scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Well, we’ve got the location of an army, to the north and slightly east of here. I ‘eard they was headed this a ’way, Ma’am.” 14

Kara blinked, thinking. “An army, you say? Of about how many?” 15

Cliff looked across at Greg, who nodded. He shrugged. “About, ten score, an’ six platoons.” 16

Kara’s eyes widened. “Six platoons!! But that’s…two to three squads per platoon, to ten or twelve to each squad…” 17

Greg counted off on his notepad, then looked up. “There’s three squads per platoon, ten men to each, Ma’am. That’s thirty men, times six…one hundred and eighty men, plus the ten score…” Kara’s face turned into a mask of shock and disbelief at the total. “two hundred more men!!” 18

Kara gnawed on her nails as she calculated. “That’s over three hundred eighty men, probably not including officers or the leader. That’ll be a handful to deal with, no doubt. Well, any other troubles coming our way, Greg?” 19

The short little man shook his head. “Nothing else to report, Ma’am!” 20

Kara nodded decisively. “Right, then here’s what we do. Cliff, get Justin and another, go find me some recruits, men or women who have experience, young warriors searching for adventure, you know the type. Greg, set up a system, make sure the newbie's are worth hiring. And Tom, get some sort of a spy network set up, I want more information on this army! Get to it, I’ll organize some foraging and hunting parties. Go!”

Author notes

First part of my story, Tri Sister Wars: Warrior Maiden, chapter one. Big enough for you? I'll work on this one, and I can tell you, you'll really meet Kara later on, that is, if you read that far...I hope you do!
Oh, heres what I was saying in the preview-Three sisters, entangled in a vast war, end up facing each other in battle. Unaware of their family bond, they seem to be willing to do the unexpected: Kill each other!

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Comments


  • chikarita2
    December 30, 2008

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    Well that certainly was something of an interesting story to read. I love your writing and keep working on it. You have a unique style I seem to be attracted to... On to your story:
    It was great; keep working on it and you should get it published. I love how unsure she is at the beginning of the story. Keep working on it. As for criticism? There isn't really anything bad i can say about it except that you should work on grammar...
    anyways keep writing and good work


  • Renvek
    November 28, 2008

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    I am confused as to the time setting here. An army headed this way? If this is a leader of an organization or a country they failed for not having an army in place. If it is bandits holding an outlaw meeting then they would still know to keep a look out. One thing common between countries and bandits is: He who has the biggest baddest army stays and plays the longest.
    As to the military terminology: Capt'n, Ma'am? (Line 12) is redundant. Also when you break down the squads, platoons and what not you sound like you are actually counting up a brigade, which is yet another military count. I would look it up on the web to stay consistant, otherwise you end up alienating your entire military readership. Mind you I am not military, but we the authors of our stories need to be experts or close to it when we bring our story to be looked at.
    I hope that helps when you are ready to edit this.


  • Friesian
    November 17, 2008

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    !@!!!!

    Wow!!!! Lissy shocked!!!! AHHH! Kill each other!? EEEK! That's not good! Me wants to know why!? Me likes the old speech! It cool! XD Descriptions of setting and body-language are fantastic! Dialogue= EXCELLENT!!!~ Me pulled in! Me loves it! U continue, right? PWEASE!!!! *lissy begs* Me reeeeaaaalllyyyy wants to read more! me hooked! Greta job! Hannah is very gifted!

    -Lissy


  • JimZombie gold member
    November 16, 2008

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    I Thought your dialogue was really well done. I liked your use of colloquial speech, very well done. I thought the speech at the end of the chapter could have been exchanged, to better effect, with description (of what she wanted done).

    I thought your description of the characters expression were well done but I thought having a better description of the room would have given better clues as to the situation. That said the descriptions that were present were good and gave some interesting hints.

    "That’s thirty men, times six…one hundred and eighty men, plus the ten score…” His face turned into a mask of shock and disbelief. “two hundred more men!!”

    I don't get this part, Greg seemed so at ease while he was giving the information but then became shocked. Did he not realise the situation till he actually sat down and counted? It seems that he should already have been aware. Oh, perhaps you meant "her" instead of "his".

    I would say my curiosity is aroused, good work.

    Jimmy