So, I have pretty much always had a normal life. A boring, bland, normal life. Then I met her. Sierra Ingrid Ritzon. She insisted I call her Sir. The circumstances upon which I met Sir were rather… unprecedented in the amount of excitement it brought to my life.1
You see, I woke up one Thursday morning. I showered. I dressed in my jeans and a blue t-shirt. I ate my whole grain toast and raspberry jam. All of it exactly like the nine hundred and twelve Thursdays that had preceded it. Then I stepped outside and everything changed.2
I stepped outside and was promptly tackled to the ground. I gasped for breath as it was crushed out of my lungs. My skin was then stabbed by hundreds of tiny little twigs. We had landed in my mothers prize winning raspberry bushes. These were the raspberries that had made my jam for the past seventeen years.3
“Silence you fool!” A woman’s voice whispered in my ear, “You want them to kill you?”4
“Who?” I wheezed.5
“Them.” She said in an ominous tone as she raised a long finger toward my front yard. The very front yard I had played baseball in for sixteen summers. The very front yard I had built snowmen in for the past seventeen winters. That yard was now filled with cows. A shiver of terror shook through my spine. I am lactose intolerant.6
“No!” I screamed.7
It earned me a slap to the mouth.8
“Silence!”9
It was too late. The cows had heard.10
“Charge!” The lead Holstein bellowed.11
Hundreds of cows did exactly that. They charged at the house. It was actually quite epic. Much like a scene from Lord of the Rings. Except with cows. 12
“I am sorry Rory,” Sir said to me. Rory is not my name, but I listened, “If you want to live. Come with me.’13
Of course I wanted to live. I had never considered not living, but the alternative just seemed rather undesirable. So I went.14
We ran to the north of my house. It was my neighbor’s house. It had been for five thousand eight hundred forty-four days. Now it was a hole in the ground. And my neighbors were dead. Being barbecued over a charcoal grill. By a group of cows in aprons and chef hats.15
We ran faster. I wondered if I taste good. Probably like raspberries and chicken. Delicious. Not optimal.16
Sir dove head first into a small hole in the ground. I followed, executing a perfect swan dive.17
I was suddenly sliding head first down a tube. It smelled of latex and spicy Italian meats.18
Soon, after about twelve minutes of sliding, the tube dumped me into a large room. I landed in something soft and squishy. It was steak and ground beef. The entire floor was covered in it.19
“Welcome young one,” Sir said.20
I finally got a good look at her. She was beautiful. Standing six feet two inches, approximately one hundred twenty two pounds. She had shoulder length black hair. Her black hair matched the black leather vest and black ripped jeans she wore. All of it complimented by combat boots. Yes. They were black too. Black as the night. As the five thousand eight hundred forty-four nights I had slept through, from 10:30p.m. until 7:30 am.21
She stood there so epic looking. In her hands she was wielding a meat cleaver and an automatic rifle. I was in love.22
“Stop gawking, you little squat!” She snapped. My heart melted, “We have business to attend to.”23
“Yes ma’am!” I saluted. I don’t know why. I suppose I had seen it in a movie.24
“Listen closely. Everything you have ever known is a lie. You see there is an international terrorist organization known as PETA. They have been secretly raising up an army of livestock to seek vengeance against the human race. We are the last resistance. We are a remnant of those not infected by the delusion that the animals are stupid beasts. We are the lone survivors.”25
My mind was reeling. “Why us? Why aren’t we dead too.”26
“We were protected.” Sir said, “By a diet high in raspberries!”27
“Raspberries,” I whispered in awe.28
So, now five thousand eight hundred forty-four days later, Sir and I are governors of a raspberry colony. It is six miles under ground. This small colony of survivors is ever waging war against the beast above. One day, maybe, we will take back the upper levels of earth, and right the upturned scales of justice.29
Author notes
I hope this is random enough... I sure had fun writing it either way...
A contest entry
- RANDOMNESS! by KiwiGurl.
145 points, ended November 17, 2008, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Humorous Adventurement by bakermiddle.
175 points, ended March 9, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - the Shorts on the Clothesline must be dry! by Silver Dancer.
115 points, ended February 1, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - HARDY HAR HAR by WritersEffigy.
1000 points, ended January 24, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Randomness and hilarious-ness stories (prompts available) by KiwiGurl.
100 points, ended February 4, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Funny and Random by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
175 points, ended July 22, 127 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Something funny for a change! by crazy.hott.salsa.
240 points, ended February 21, 12 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - cheer me up by Elvenfairy.
350 points, ended February 26, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Make me Laugh out loud!! by IceIceBaby.
175 points, ended March 22, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want Anything by Lost Soul 12.
100 points, ended October 12, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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First of all, thanks for entering my contest! This story was hilarious! My fave part was the cows roasting the humans! Bravo!
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ahahaha. cows? Yesss! halarious cows r always funny :-P. I would be dead cuz I HATE RASPBERRIES! Lol
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This story was very awesome! Cows taking the world, and the only ones that survives is people that eats rasberries. Its like "I Am Legend" except its cows! Loved this story. Great job!
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Finally! Somw one got what I wanted! This is my kind of Humor!!!
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sadly your story exceeds my word limit for this contest so it can't be considered for the final judging. Sorry. Feel free to try again if you want
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This was definitely random enough - literally had me laughing to myself as I read.
This felt like a cross between an action movie, a social satire, and a parody of goodness-knows-what. Really nice job with this, haha 
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There is no cow level.
Lol, very well done.
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um.............. hehe.......... haha............
well that was one funny story i really liked the bit where he saw his neighbor's Being barbecued over a charcoal grill. it made me crack up
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I didn't ask for randomness but I loved this anyway. This was like just everywhere. It actually made me chuckle (that's sort of hard to do). Very good. Good luck in the contest!
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wow. This is extremely random. I laughed at it all. Why cows? lol. I loved the part where you wrote "Hundreds of cows did exactly that. They charged at the house. It was actually quite epic. Much like a scene from Lord of the Rings. Except with cows." It made me laugh.
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Cows. Nice.
that was hilarious. I loved how it began, but the ending was only okay. It was super fun to read thought. It was totally random and just the thing I needed to cheer up! I loved how you worked the cows into the plot. It was not what I expected at all. The ending was a little anti-climactic, though. It sorta interrupted the flow of the writing piece. The way it skipped like a bazillion years later was... interesting. What ever happened to the cows? I mean did they die or get eaten or what? One of the only flaws I saw was that you skipped around from past to present. "A shiver of terror shook through my spine. I am lactose intolerant." I understand how it would make sense to say you ARE lactose intolerant, but it flows better if you make it you WERE lactose intolerant, like it was a thought at the moment or something.
So yea thats what I think and it certainly put me in a great mood.beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Cows.....
I KNEW IT
I KNEW THERE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
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haha i laughed at some parts, especially at the part about what had happened to the neighbours. very funny:
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Oh hahah -- blooming hilarious. Typically random, and your imagery of a million cows like a scene outta LOTR was awesome!
Good stuff, made me crack up.
RJ
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Ha... I love this... this is amazing... PETA... Ha.... my sis is vegetarian... blah... heheheheh... cows... killer cows... yeah that was awesome.. funny shit right there... random too... yous an original, have some cake
niiiice!
-Adelaide
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This is hilarious! It had me smiling all the way through. So many great lines. The dialogue is great and the characters are unique. The plot is fast-paced and interesting.
A group of cows in aprons and chef hats... creepy...
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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*struggles to keep from falling out of her chair in laughter*
"Hundreds of cows did exactly that. They charged at the house. It was actually quite epic. Much like a scene from Lord of the Rings. Except with cows."
"She stood there so epic looking. In her hands she was wielding a meat cleaver and an automatic rifle. I was in love."
Best. Lines. EVAR!
Oh my goodness was this hilarious! I can't even remember the last time I really read somthing so humerous.
Though, I'm kind of scared of cows now.
*hears her cat attacking his cow toy which "moo's"
and runs to the fridge to retreive her Raspberry jelly*
BACK YOU FEIND! D<
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So FUNNY! Kinda. odd, but great nonetheless!
(^o^)
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I liked this! FUN. Not sure how a sausage press and Italian spiced meet slipped by the ravinous holstein hordes. But if anything it just made it more fun.
Good one
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Umm, yeah, that's possibly the oddest thing I've read in a fair while. It was funny but a little confusing (but I suppose with the oddness of the story it's always going to be a little confusing. Unfortunately though, I must inform you that the world is not going to be taken over by cows, it will be slowly conquered by limpets, then sprouts. Sorry.
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p3 is rather confusing. "talked to the ground" instills an image of someone talking continuously in my mind. But then you say he fell into the bushes. And then to make it more confusing you say "we" so when did this other person come into it? I know it's supposed to be random but it's always best to avoid confusing your readers, I almost stopped reading because of it. You could have said he bumped into something/someone unexpectedly or something like that.
To go from a pretty plain existence to a whacky world is one thing and usually a good one, but the transition needs to be a little smoother.
Other than that it is pretty amusing. I love that PETA are "terrorists" and only people who eat raspberries are safe. Totally unexpected.
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Hmm, I'm not the author, but may I point out that it was 'tackled', like in football.
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Huh?
most odd... yet an amusing read. -
*laughs*
*laughs some more*
Oh my goodness. This is awesome. Incredibly funny. I loved how you gave the very precise numbers, it added to the silliness of the whole piece.
On a more serious note... I couldn't find anything wrong with the piece, though mind you, I was enjoying it so much (it takes a lot to get me to grin/laugh while I'm by myself, and this piece did it, so that's very good) I didn't see anything that I thought needed fixing. It flowed well, it was funny, and it had a delightful main character, all up, very, very well done.
I look forward to reading more humour by you, you obviously have a flair for it.
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What randomness and funnyness. That was great!!! Cows taking over the world! I love it!!
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cows and raspberries, sounds pretty random to me! Great job. Keep writing and good luck in the contest!
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