sometimes I wish I had never loved you

With the quiet stillness of my dark and empty room
I often give way to thoughts
that I sometimes cannot explain.1

Like the thought that some times I wish I could hate you.
That would be so much easier for me. Or so I sometimes think.
If only I could convince this shattered heart of mine
that I never loved you.2

If only I could erase all the lies that I have told myself
about you.
That I could see you
not with love filled eyes
but as others might see you.3

Still, as I quickly come back to my senses
I realize that by not having loved you
I would have missed so much joy in my life.4

Like our long walks in the many gardens we found
on the various worlds we visited.
Playing in the warm waters of the oceans of your home world,
The all night card games with our friends that would last late into the wee hours of the morning.
Most of all though I would miss the times
when we would just sit quietly arm in arm
lazily gazing out into a moon filled sky
just enjoying each others company.
These were happy times for me.5

Yet with much pain and trepidation I also recall
that terrible time when you left me.
I remember all the pain…
all the grief…
all the loss
that I suffered with your departure.6

Now, I can honestly tell you that my heart
was completely shattered into a million pieces.
That my restless Soul still aches terribly to have you near me
Nothing else can ease its pain.7

Sadly, though, as time has passed me by,
I have learned,
that there will be no gentle touches to soothe my aching heart.
No super-human strength for me to lean on
when times get bad.
No love
to face a cruel universe with.8

Without you my friend
Walking with me through out this life
I have nothing…
but this Soul crushing emptiness.9

Without you, I feel that I am only a shadow.
A specter of what was
living only on the memories
of what we had before.10

Therefore, you can understand why it is
that sometimes when I am alone
and hurting
that I think of you
and how it was when we were together
and I wonder
would it have been easier
if I cold tell myself that I never loved you. 11