I want to be like you

You can't do it." said a voice, as heavy as it was dark. Ambray stopped at this, green eyes wide as horror struck them. Another figure, shadowed by the moon, stepped to where he was visible. Dark hair covered his right eye, but through the stands his left could be seem. IT was gray, empty, dead; lifeless. "You’re too weak." He told her, "You- don't know what you’re starting."1

Perspiration dotted her forehead and she fell at his gaze, knees scrapping the rough ground. He walked towards her and bent down, grazing the back of his hand against her soft cheek. "Please... I don't want you to end up like me."2

“I- I can do it.” She whispered looking up into Nate’s silver lined eyes. Her stomach jumped as she suddenly remembered she couldn’t do that. “Oops, I forgot…” she said sadly as a single tear dropped out from her eye. She thought for a moment as Nate moved the hair from her face. The other man tapped his foot impatiently behind them.3

“Nate come on.” He said quickly looking around.4

“Chill out Devin.” Nate said flashing him his sharp teeth. Devin got a clue and calmed down.5

“I can’t live like this anymore.” Ambray said looking hard into the concrete. She had been waiting so long to tell Nate exactly how she felt, but the only thing that had stopped her was she didn’t know exactly how she felt. After she had thought it over she had come to a conclusion.6

“I know.” Nate said softly. Ambray looked up at him without staring into his eyes. “Help me.” She cried out to him quietly.7

“I don’t know what I can do…maybe we just…” Nate drifted off as he stared at the soon to be rising sun over the horizon.8

“We what?” Ambray asked eagerly. 9

“Maybe we should just stop seeing each other. Every time I have to leave, I leave you hurting worse than the last time. I just can’t see you like this anymore.” Nate said trying not to stare into her eyes, “I can’t even look into those beautiful eyes of yours.”10

“You can’t leave me.” Ambray said strongly, “I can never be without you, I love you.”11

“But there is nothing we could ever do to be together.” Nate said frustratingly as he stood up. 12

Ambray jumped up and grabbed his arm as she swung him around to face her. “I have an idea…” she whispered soft enough so Devin couldn’t hear. Nate just stood there eagerly, hanging on by every word.13

“I want to be…like you.” She said as quiet as a mouse. Ambray couldn’t believe she had just said those words. ‘I want to be like you’ she had thought about it for a while now and even went over the consequences. Not seeing her family, leaving her friends, maybe never returning to Shaper city ever again. But Ambray didn’t care about those things anymore; all she wanted now was Nate.14

“You mean...” Nate said dumbstruck.15

“Yes.” She said, lip quivering. She turned around to face the rising sun, “Vampire.”16

Nate didn’t say anything, he just held Ambray close to him. “I can’t-” he began.17

“Don’t say you can’t, because I’ve thought about this. I don’t care what I will have to leave behind. Nothing is more important in my life than you and you need to know that. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I won’t walk away from it.” Everybody was quiet and Ambray was pretty sure Nate had heard what she had said, but he kept his mouth shut. 18

They stood there until the sun began to peak out from its hiding place. Ambray sighed, “Do it now, before you have to leave me again.” Nate’s body got tense and he spun her around. Ambray closed her eyes and shook.19

“Don’t be afraid.” Nate said. He tipped Ambray down as if in a dance and bit her. 20

Author notes

Princess Dawnikins is the name...unless i change it lol. There were many ways i could have described the part where Nate Bites AMbray but like shakespere says "He dies" i decided to go with "He bites her" pure genious in its own way. I never write fantasy ezpecially vampires, you dont even know how hard i worked to get this perfect, i really hope you like it.

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Fiddlewilly
    January 16

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    promising


    I think the emotions,so far , are a little conflicting. maybe too much too fast. Ambray is confused about how she feels for Nate but suddenly tells him she is willing to become a vampire to be with him... and no reason for the sudden change of heart is given.
    not an unlikely scenario, just seems a little soon to me.



    You can't do it." said a voice, as heavy as it was dark.

    ... I think another description would work better here.
    A voice is a sound, whereas dark is what happens in the absence of light and heavy is gravitational.

    ...maybe: You can't do it," a voice hissed in the darkness.

    “Chill out Devin.” Nate said flashing him his sharp teeth. Devin got a clue and calmed down.5

    ....since we are in Ambray's POV, we couldn't know whether Devin "got a clue" or not.

    maybe: Devin stiffened, then quickly calmed himself.



    “I can’t live like this anymore.” Ambray said looking hard into the concrete.

    ...This is great."looking hard into the cement."

    She cried out to him quietly.7

    ... Seems a little conflicting. how would you cry out quietly?
    Maybe: she cried quietly.

    “Maybe we should just stop seeing each other. Every time I have to leave, I leave you hurting worse than the last time. I just can’t see you like this anymore.” Nate said trying not to stare into her eyes, “I can’t even look into those beautiful eyes of yours.”10

    ...I would put the identifier at the first natural pause in the sentence.
    Maybe:

    “Maybe we should just stop seeing each other," Nate said, trying not to stare into her eyes.“I can’t even look into those beautiful eyes of yours. Every time I have to leave, I leave you hurting worse than the last time. I just can’t see you like this anymore.”



    “You can’t leave me.” Ambray said strongly, “I can never be without you, I love you.”11

    “But there is nothing we could ever do to be together.” Nate said frustratingly as he stood up. 12

    ... Both of these sentences use odd ly qualifiers to describe action. rather than using strange sounding adverbs. try using the characters actions to tell show the reader emotion
    Maybe:
    Ambray jerked her head up, nearly looking him in the eyes. “You can’t leave me,”she said dropping her eyes again.“I can never be without you, I love you.”

    and:
    “But there is nothing we could ever do to be together.” Nate said, suddenly frustrated. He stood. 12

    Ambray jumped up and grabbed his arm as she swung him around to face her

    Maybe:
    Ambray jumped, took hold of his arm and swung him around to face her.




  • beezy92
    December 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nice. A vampire story but I loved it. I'm hopeless. (: Finalist list.


  • Yeshua
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you...

    Thank you for entering "I Want to be Like You" in "My Little Gem" and making it a fun contest for everyone. Due to an inundation of contest entries I will not be able to give an extensive comment on every entry. Good luck in all of your writing endevors.

    God Bless,
    Yeshua


  • wolf-storm
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow it's a beautiful story. Great detail in description of things. I really hope you do continue it it was fun to read. Thanks for entering it into the contest.


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nice, but to be fair Shakespeare was writing stage directions, not prose narration.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Emotional

    This seems very emotional. I think this story and it's characters need more development. I liked it.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published - 3.


  • Surreal Rhapsody
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Bravo, thatt was very good, especially if this is your first work of "non-realistic fiction", as you authors notes and Danica emplied. It was very good, I like what you did with it. Definitly not what I expected, but that's the main thing I like about contests- you never know what to expect. Thank you for entering.

    -Savannah

    p.s. you get brownie points for being the first done.


  • K.CTheDyingReindeer
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I never thought I would see the day when Dawn would write a Vampire story! Bravo, Dawn. It was so....perfect! Awesome! I loved it and I think you should writ fantasy more often!
    -Dani

    • Dawn Bon
      November 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I feel so special!!! It was actually for a contest and the girl gave me a paragraph to start and i decided i should try writtign a vampire story. im glad you liked it.

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