Andrea’s Perspective1
6:00am2
Eastern Standard Time3
Personal log4
Today has been one that has changed my outlook on the entire operation here at Fort Howl. 5
I was recruited by the military for my expertise in medical anomalies and my ability to solve these problems and provide solutions to previously incurable viruses. After the crash in NC, my services have been very valuable to the government. The new virus (codenamed “Serpent”) that has been sweeping the world has been stumping scientists and I’m no exception. Though, it doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying to find a cure.6
Then one day, they brought in a sample of someone’s DNA. The person was not named, just said Subject A. The person’s blood ate the virus and came away clean. The antibodies that developed against it were extraordinary and I was ecstatic. I rushed into the general’s office and slapped down a file with the results.7
Without realizing it, I had walked into a meeting with some high-level officials. I kicked myself for my lack of observation, but the general was unfazed by my entrance. I turned around and saw through the glass wall next to his desk, a man that was strapped to the desk. He was handsome in a rugged way and looked like he was struggling against the bands even though he looked asleep with his eyes closed.8
A nurse was in the middle of injecting him with an orange liquid that I was very familiar with. It was a virus that alone was highly lethal, killing the subject within hours, and yet showed significant promise against Serpent before killing the patient. It was dismissed as an unnecessary loss. I looked closer at the man and saw that the band holding his hands to the table labeled him as “Subject A” 9
I looked on in horror as they injected him with that virus and then another very lethal virus: Ebola. The man screamed in agony as the viruses ripped through him and yet all of his screens that were on the wall beside him told me that his body was fighting these viruses and winning. Suffice to say, I was impressed. This man was a modern medical mystery. 10
The general closed the blinds and looked directly at me. His face was shining as if it was Christmas morning. 11
“I see that you are impressed. This specimen is the only one that I have found that has resisted against these viruses and won without other medical attention from us. I plan to find out what else he can resist and I would like to have you study him for the next 36 hours.” 12
Even though the analytical part of my brain was thrilled at the opportunity, my emotional side was dreading it. When I looked through that glass, it was like I could feel everything that he felt. I didn’t think that I could go through it, but I gathered myself together and nodded at the general.13
“Good, glad to know that I could count on you. I plan to see what makes this boy tick” 14
He chuckled and I couldn’t help, but feel a chill down my spine as I walked out the door and towards my quarters.15
Author notes
This is the continuation of my NaNo novel... I hope that you enjoy it... please let me know what you think.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Holy...dude. Poor Subject A. I wonder if he'll become a character later? or just die? Also I can see how Andrea would love to study Jason. That virusing the poor guy was harsh! I really hope he lives, man. And that general gets his ass kicked.
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Oh, I really like this! I like where it's going, and I wonder who the specimen is. Hmm... *taps chin*
I really like the conflict she's feeling. It really shows that she's human...even though I could never see myself with her role as a scientist. She's a specialty scientist or something, dealing with anomalies.
Wonder how she connects to Yoda....
Keep up the good work!
Critique:
Then [would get rid of word "Then"] one day, they brought in a sample of someone’s DNA. The person was not named, just said Subject A [The person was unnamed, and the sample merely read "Subject A."].
I turned around and saw through the glass wall next to his desk, a man that was strapped to the desk. [There are two "desks" in this. I would rearrage it.]
He was handsome in a rugged way and looked like he was struggling against the bands even though he looked asleep with his eyes closed. [get rid of "his eyes closed" since he's asleep]
It was a virus that alone was highly lethal, killing the subject within hours, and yet showed significant promise against Serpent before killing the patient. [Either way, the subject is killed, right? Where is the logic here?]
I looked closer at the man and saw that the band holding his hands to the table labeled him as “Subject A” [sentence needs period]
The man screamed in agony as the viruses ripped through him and yet all of his screens that were on the wall beside him told me that his body was fighting these viruses and winning. [Ooo! Long sentence. Would suggest modifying; also, you used "viruses" twice.]
This specimen is the only one that I have found that has resisted against these viruses and won without other medical attention from us. [perhaps: resisted these viruses...]
“Good, [!] glad to know that I could [can] count on you. I plan to see what makes this boy tick” [sentence needs period]
He chuckled and I couldn’t help, but feel a chill down my spine as I walked out the door and towards my quarters. [He chuckled and I couldn't help feel a chill...]
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I really enjoy the edgy side of this, the crazy, barbaric futuristic aspect. It's a lot like Michael Crighton stuff. The end of paragraph six could be a leeetle stronger: try, 'But it doesn’t mean that I won’t keep trying to find a cure.'
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Brillient
I yhope you don't mind but I thought instead that I would comment on the whole instead of three seperate reviews.
In Chapter one
I glad that I had gone back to read it, it is great but not sure where the girl fits in though. When you say us are you referring to Andrea, who is the girl? Do we find out later on who the girl is?
Just a suggestion though where your character is pulled over by the officer is slightly to long really good though but maybe you could try
( The officer asked for my liscence and registration number and I handed it over to him. Suddenly he stabbed me with a needle and took my blood. I staggered back in surprise, while he checked it in a portable scanner that I hadn't seen (noticed) before)
On the whole
It's a fast pacing story and it flowed really well, you have captured the atmospere of the prison. I love the way you leave the reader with cliff angers thats what makes a good story. It is easy to read and keeps your readers glued to the book wanting to read more. I also love the way we are getting each characters perspective on the situation and seeing the story through their eyes. Have you considered sending it to a publisher?
Brillient book.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Great Chapter!
Very interesting. It's boggling to know that the captured man is immune to those dangerous drugs he's being injected with. I hope Andrea will get on his side.=)=)
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