Winter was the kind of woman who wanted to please everyone. She fought hard to keep herself thin enough to keep others from talking, but not so thin that they would. She always dressed appealingly without being trashy. Her make-up was always meticulously applied so that it didn't look trampish. What more could this young woman have done? She took loving care of her children and husband. Her house, though cluttered, was always clean. What more could a mother ask for?2
Then one day, Winter started thinking. Thinking about all the times her mother had let her down and how she had constantly and consistently criticized her every action. 3
"You're looking a little chubby, Winter. You shouldn't have cut your hair that way, Winter. You shouldn't have dyed your hair black, it makes you look sick, Winter." The tirades never ended. On an on like a plague. Bringing Winter's self-esteem down to the point of total self loathing.4
Then at the tender age of thirteen, the state stepped in and took Winter away. They told her it was for her own good and that if she did what they wanted her to do, she would be able to go home in no time. No time turned into five and half long drawn out years of one group home after another. Thrown in with rehab for an eating disorder she didn't have and foster care with a family who really didn't give a rat's ass if she lived or died as long as the state gave them money.5
Finally, at the age of eighteen, Winter finally got to go home. She thought that it would be a happy reunion. That is what she got for thinking. As soon as she moved in, her child-molesting step-father declared that he would not live under the same roof as she. So the lines were drawn. It was going to be Winter or her mother's husband. Given a choice, Winter firmly believes she would have been tossed to the wolves; however, her step-father moved out of his own accord saving her mother the choice, but oh, the consequences. Winter got a job waitressing and spent all her tips to help her mother with things that she couldn't afford. No thank you's ever crossed her mother's lips. She became the full time sitter for her younger siblings, again without any thanks. "Apparently," Winter thought, "There is nothing that I can do to make myself right in her eyes.6
Then Winter met someone. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. He had the look of danger about him. "My mother is going to hate him!" she thought wickedly. So she brought the man home to meet mother and she'd be goddamned if her mother didn't approve. So much for that idea.7
They soon realized they were in love. Winter discovered that after just ten short months of dating that she was pregnant. She assumed her mother would be excited by the news. Fat chance that was. She screamed that she wasn't ready to be a grandmother until she was forty. 8
"Why can't you just be happy for me?" was all Winter could say. "Because you never respect any of my wishes," was her mother's crass reply.9
Then in January, tragedy struck. Winter started to have pains that she found to be frightening. She held her tongue, but then the bleeding started. Her fiance` rushed her to the doctor's only to be told that the baby was gone and she needed to be prepped for surgery. She went in in a daze. How could this be? She came out of surgery without any problems and her mother told her to spend the night with her in case of any problems. No cards of sympathy, no looks of love, nothing. It was so empty inside Winter's heart. The loneliness was all consuming.10
After a long night of emptiness and pain from the surgery, Winter finally came to a realization. That no matter what she did or what she became or how she kept herself perfect; nothing was ever going to be good enough. 11
So in the early hours of the morning, she packed her bags and built a wall around her heart. Then she sat down at the table in the pre-dawn light and began to write.12
Dear Mom, I have come to realize that though you may love me, you do not respect me nor understand me. For so many years I have tried and tried again to be what it is you wanted me to be. Well, damnit, I am tired, mom. Tired of going out of my way and tip-toing on eggshells just to see a small semblence of a smile. I have decided that until you can just learn to love me for who I am faults, flaws, and all, that I can no longer put myself through this anguish. I deserve to be loved. When you decide that you can learn to love me unconditionally, come find me. Until then keep away from me while I try to learn to love myself again. Goodbye Mother, Winter13
And for the first time in her life, as she picked up her meager belongings, she felt something stir to life inside her hollow heart. It was freedom. She walked out the front door with a song in her heart. 14
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