Helpless....

[Scene: A man stands at a window, watching the full moon... His grey eyes look weary- He seems weak, though his body is well toned and fit] 1

Upon my heart is a wound that is still raw... Caused by death's cruel knife... It was not meant for me- but it might as well have been. Tomorrow, it will be seven years since I lost her- the one woman who inspired me to live- brought love to my bland life... I was never the kind of person to underestimate the value of good things- much less the worth of God's sweetest Angel. Nor did I ever wait for the right moment to do something- each moment I spent with her I treasured... However, I am only human, I have made mistakes. The one that ruined my life- and my son's- was not listening to the woman I loved. We were happily married- briefly. I wanted children- she was reluctant... little did I care why. The pain of my punishment is nothing in comparison to the guilt I feel... Seven years since she died at childbirth... leaving behind for me the one thing she knew I wanted... At the cost of losing what I had. 2

My son knows this. Somehow, he always did- even as he took his first breath. I try to hide my sorrow from him- all in vain. There is happiness, lots of it, but, as he himself said- the emptiness cannot be filled by a child...  Precocious child- must you see right through me? The only thing on Earth that still brings me joy is your happiness. Why do you refuse to be happy? Why cant you ignore what I hide? Why can't I forget her? Son, can you not ignore my foolishness? Do what I say, not what I do... I am incorrigible. He refuses, quite plainly. Another punishment- he does exactly what I didn't. He understands, He listens to the soul rather than to what the lips have to say. He has taken her place as my Angel- God had two favourites, and couldn't live without either one at his side. Why then does he make it so difficult for me to keep his Angels happy? 3

Tomorrow- his birthday- her death anniversary. He has refused to celebrate... I can normally argue back, but I am at a loss... I am still wondering how I can put across to him that I want him to enjoy. I bought time to think- It was already past his bed time when he told me this. Putting him to bed, I told him I'd speak to him tomorrow. Lame excuse, I know, but that was the only way I could get time to think without arousing his suspicions. Strange, how he sees through excellent excuses and ploys, but remains ignorant of the lamest ones. Perhaps he does see through them, but pretends, knowing my needs and desires. Still, I have got my wish- time to think. She wouldn't have needed this- she was always spontaneous and quick-witted, just like her son. 4

His birth was not into a happy world, true- but wait! that was not his birth- it was her death that was sorrowful. They are not the same- they never were... her death made his birth more joyous- she lives on- in our hearts, in our thoughts... in our joy... she lives in our joy, dies in our sorrow... yes... he had survived. Survived to bring joy into a life that wouldn't have survived otherwise... His joy brings me joy, his sorrow, my pain... Those words seem so distant- He may not agree... After all, he is his father's son, and has inherited his stubbornness... I wish the angel of death had taken me- She would have dealt with this well... much better than my pathetic attempts...5

God! Why do you love doing this? Why do you love making my son's life miserable? Does it please you? Does it make you happy to see him lose his childhood? Does it entertain you to see him sorrowful for my sake? Does it tickle you that I cannot express myself in a way that he will believe? If it does, I am sorry. I will not let it last. I believe in myself, I still do. While the happiness of one son in six billion may not matter to you, it does to me... He is my only child, and I shall see him happy. Whatever it takes- I shall manage it. 6

I shall find words- Or perhaps just open my heart to you, my child, and let you read the book yourself...Whatever I do, please remember- I love you, I always have and always will...7