"You’re not to go out with Mike anymore! Do you hear me Erica Shawna Napal? What does an 18 year old want with a 16 year old?! He’s no good!” My mother yelled at me. It’s what every mother says about their daughter’s boyfriend, right? Why should I listen to her? 1
I was already having a bad day, and she was just making it worse. Earlier that day, my so called best friend Jenelle and me got into a huge fight over nothing! It was all because of her low-life boyfriend, Willie. He had told her I asked him to come over last Saturday night which was completely untrue! Me and her have been best friends since 3rd grade! Here we are in 10th grade, how could she believe HIM over me? Anyway, this whole fight with my mom was because of Jenelle. She called my mom and told her all sorts of things about me and Mike, the love of my life. 2
“I don’t care what you say! I love him! And ya know what? There’s nothing you can do about it!” I said matter-of-factly. “God! Why do you ALWAYS have to make things so freakin difficult?!” I screamed back at her. And with that said, I walked out of the kitchen, down the hallway and out the front door. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew I had to get out of there fast. 3
I walked around the god forsaken neighborhood for a good 20 minutes, crying because I was so angry. It’s a good thing not many people were around. The few people who walked past me looked they looked like they wanted to question me, but decided not to bother. Just as well, I probably wouldn’t have answered them anyway.4
“How come when I finally meet someone who likes me for me, no one else can accept him?” I thought. “Why doesn’t anyone see how much we love each other? I know we have a few problems every now and then, but so does everyone else. No one is perfect. I love him, and he loves me, that’s all that matters. Why is everyone making such a big deal about this?!” I tried extremely hard to convince myself that my mother, father, and everyone else who disliked him, was wrong about Mike. And no doubt about it, I succeeded. I mean, it took me 16 years to find someone who seemed to care about me the way Mike did. I wasn’t about to let anyone else ruin that.5
Just as I was turning onto the side street by the mini-mart, I saw Mike coming down the road. I tried to dry my eyes so he wouldn’t know I was crying. He pulled up along next to me and rolled down the window. “Get in” he said. “What’s wrong?” he said as I got in the car.6
A brief “Nothing...” escaped my lips.7
“Tell me what happened.” He said firmly.8
“It’s nothin. I’m fine. Let’s just go somewhere.” I didn’t want to tell him. He had such a short temper, and I didn’t want him to find out that they knew. He’d be so furious. He stopped the car in the empty back parking lot near Cost Cutters..9
“Erica, tell me what happened.” He said with tone I didn’t like to hear from him. I didn’t know what to do. I knew if I told him, we’d all be in trouble. But if I didn’t, and he found out later, I’d be in even more trouble.10
“Me and Jenelle got into a fight today...” I said.11
“About what?”12
“It’s a long story. It has to do with her and Willie, but that’s not important. She called my house and talked to my mother.”13
“And?”14
“She told my mother a lotta things...” His face turned red and his eyes grew dim. I could tell his blood was boiling. I hesitated to tell him the rest, but I figured I should just tell him and get it over with. “My mother said she saw you on Elm Street two nights ago exchanging money with some Puerto Rican guy and that you handed him a bag...” 15
“And this is all because of Jenelle, right? That stupid little bitch! Didn’t I tell you to stop hanging out with her?”16
“I know you did....I’m sorry! I just didn’t think she wou-“17
”Exactly, you just didn’t think.” He started the car and we drove away in silence. I was on the verge of tears. He blamed me for it. And I guess he was right, it was my fault. I guess I should’ve listened to him. We drove around for fifteen minutes without saying anything. Finally we got to my house. “I love you,” he said, reassuringly. “I’ll call you tonight at 8:00. Make sure you’re home. We need to talk about this,” His voice had a really serious tone. “But I have to figure out what needs to be done here.” He kissed me on the cheek and I got out of the car. I watched him drive away, and then went inside. I walked past my mother without saying a word. I went straight to my room, locked the door, and waited for him to call.18
Author notes
I haven't written a story like this in about 2 years. Maybe I'm a little rusty. If you people like this part of the story, I'll write the next chapter. Please give me an honest opinion about what you think.
I edited it and rewrote it a bit...what do ya think?
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I just read all of your stories. Im excited for part 6 you're really good, im sure it will be as good as the first 5
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nice job, sounds just like everyone's real life at least at one point in time
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Excellent Tone
I knew what I wanted to comment about, but read the other comments all first... I agree most with QueenT. There is a sense of dread so heavy here - you've done an excellent job setting the tone. The place you chose to start the story in is OK. Certainly, if you're going for a very long piece, you could start well before this and build suspense even better. You could show the beginning of the narrator's relationship from Mike and the little manipulations he starts with. Here, he's full swing manipulative and very scary at the end. The kind of terror that tightens up the areas around my heart and makes me thankful that I've never had to fight this type of abuser.
These two parts illustrate perfectly why this story works:
1. It's what every mother says about their daughter's boyfriend, right? Why should I listen to her?
2. "I tried extremely hard to convince myself that my mother, father, and everyone else who disliked him, was wrong about Mike. And no doubt about it, I succeeded. I mean, it took me 16 years to find someone who seemed to care about me the way Mike did."
If you've had the experience of being abused (or watched friends go through it as I have), that is the meat of the situation: she has deluded herself with his lies until she believes them to be truths.
There are some easily fixable typos:
{"Get in,"? he said. "What's wrong?"? he said as I got in the car.}
Should be:
"Get in," he said. "What's wrong?" I got in the car.
{my so called best friend}
Should be:
my so-called best friend
{Me and her have been best friends since 3rd grade!}
Should be:
She and I have been best friends since third grade
(Ditto 10th to tenth)
These are the little things that don't matter much here, but can really nail you if a busy editor is having a snitty day and doesn't feel like fixing all those things herself. Trust me on this one: I edit reports every day written by "non-writers" and I sometimes want to tear my hair out. Overall, your writing is very tight compared to many other pieces on the site and would only be that much better if you tightened it up even more.
Good stuff - Thanks, and good luck! Gypsy
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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I think this is pretty good. There isn't much wrong with it, except for maybe it could use a few more descriptions because right now you can't really picture anything and it's all vague. And it woulda be nice if you started with the argument with Jenelle instead of the argument with her mom. But anyway this was pretty good and I'd like to read the rest as soon as it's written
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Good write
I liked the way you drew the reader in with the first paragraph, you should defentially continue this
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this was great. i cant wait to see what the next chapters bring
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great attention-grabber at the beginning. it threw me straight into the story and the character;s mind
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I loved it! I really did! Im filled with dread at the moment now! I can feel something bad going to happen, I dont think that this guy is as nice as she thinks he is. But ill read on and find out. Please read my Story WHO AM I? It only has three chapters so far. Im off to find out what happens! take care and GREAT write! xxx ~QueenT~ ooo
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“How come when I finally meet someone who likes me for me, no one else can accept him?” I thought. “Why doesn’t anyone see how much we love each other? I know we have a few problems every now and then, but so does everyone else. No one is perfect. I love him, and he loves me, that’s all that matters. Why is everyone making such a big deal about this?!” I tried extremely hard to convince myself that my mother, father, and everyone else who disliked him, was wrong about Mike. And no doubt about it, I succeeded. I mean, it took me 16 years to find someone who seemed to care about me the way Mike did. I wasn’t about to let anyone else ruin that.
that's exactly how i feel about my boyfriend. our families are against us being together because he's younger than me. this part of the story touched me most of all.
i'm also enjoying the emotion you put into this. it's very real and convincing. off to read some more!
~Alex -
Hm.
It seems to me that she has an abusive boyfriend and her mother is right. But I don't know enough about the characters to really make a decision. But it is interesting, I do like it, I will applaud, and read the second part. -
i figured hey, if i put some dialogue to start with that it would be an attention grabber...im re-writing the 2nd part now...should be up by tomorrow or the next day
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it has a few minor grammatical errors, but overall is good so far...
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i thought this was reli good work, a great storyline, although i do agree, it is effective but not like all other beginnings, but i suppose thats a good thing. i definitely think u should keep on going with this and il keep an eye on how it carries on it!
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job well done
good storyline but could be more believable if the dialogue was kept to realistic tone, i'm sure you wouldn't want your story to sound like a soap opera, nevertheless overall, an effective chapter 1. congrats. -
good....
hmmm, its good, it doesn't crawl along or anything. it just seems to start, like it is the middle of the story rather than the start.... other than that it was good. you should try to add a bit more info about the characters, like Jenelle, you don't really know who she is, you leave a lot for the reader to assume....
it sounds interesting though, i could definately get somewhere.
i'm gonna applaud it because it is very good....
cheers frm aussie!
P.S. Flower 4 u!
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I like it. There were a few grammatical errors, but none worth mentioning. I'm sure if you just read through it you'll spot them. Umm...good for a first chapter as it proposes questions, but only gives you enough of an answer to want more. I also think the girl and her boyfriend with the age difference can be easily related to. My boyfriend is 20 and I'm only 16 so I was pulled in from the beginning. I would definitely like to see more of this! Take care and keep up the writing!
--YoungUnwanted
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