She stood on the sidewalk, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her sweatshirt. Blue eyes looked upward towards the church. People were streaming in, talking and laughing with one another. The light eminating from the place held a warmth pleading for her to come in. Slowly her feet began to lead her towards the giant doors. With her hood covering her head she kept her eyes downwards, she didn't want to make contact with anyone. She knew that she'd been separated from God for too long, and that caused her to take a wrong turn on the road of life. 1
See about a month ago she was at a party with a bunch of people she didn't know. She didn't think anything of it, just smoked and tripped with the strangers. But something bad happened, some guy came up to her and took her into a separate room. That's where he raped her. But she didn't let him rape her. She fought back. She killed him. Immediately after his death she ran. Out of the house, down the street, away from that place. She continued to hide out in alleys afraid that the police we're going to find her and lock her up for what she did.2
What upset her the most is that she knew if she would have had God in her life none of that night would have happened. Sure she might have smoked some weed, maybe took a pill or two, but she would not have killed a guy. No, he was not innocent, he raped her. 3
However, she knows the rule of life. God's rule. You do not take another persons life into your own hands. It is God's job to choose our punishments of life. He is the one who determines what will happen to us, that is not our place.4
"Excuse me miss," someone tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped and started to shake. "I didn't mean to spook you, but you dropped this." It was her bible. She gratefully accepted it from the stranger and continued towards the church. This time her pace was much quicker. She needed to make amends for her past. She needed God to forgive her before she could forgive herself. 5
But just as she took her first step on the stairs that would lead her to her sanity something horrible happened. The guy who handed her bible to her recognized her from the party a month ago. He was also the best friend of the guy she killed. 6
He knew what his friend did to her, but that didn't mean he didn't want her dead for what she did to him. 7
His knife went directly through her heart... on her way to forgiveness.
Author notes
Currently my favorite song is S.O.S by Good Charlotte
A contest entry
- Bits for You to Use by Mel-the-Believer.
100 points, ended December 1, 2008, 6 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - The Anything Contest by Kagamine Rin.
400 points, ended November 22, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Ooooh me likey!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Ok
Fine, I have to admit that this is prejudiced, as I am an atheist and take an automatic dislike to anything religious, especially Christianity. But I will try to prevent my free-thinking beliefs from changing my review, so here is my as unprejudiced as I could manage to make it review:
The plot was interesting; a story of revenge. But, honestly, would someone kill someone in front of crowds of Christians? Well, apart from in the witch hunts, the crusades, the- No! Bad Nedned! No religion bashing! Sorry about that. Now where was I? Oh yes, I remember. Would someone really kill in that situation? I mean, he has reason to hate her; she killed his best friend, and if someone killed my best friend I would do something about it (probably not kill, probably just call the police and take my cold, calculated revenge without having to work physically in any way, but thats just me being a wimp). Also, the second to last sentence is rather confusing, too many double negatives. Perhaps you could have used a semi-colon on the second line of paragraph 6. But I must say, I loved the way you used a series of short sentences when the protagonist explains how she was raped, although you could have used a semi-colon in the coma's stead on line 3 of paragraph 3? I know, I'm being a grammar Nazi, but thats just me (again). I really liked the way you showed the girl's quest for sanity, and the irony at the insanity of the quest. So, technically very good, I just don't like the subject. I thought the beginning was a lot better than the end, though.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thanks for the critique. I really appreciate it and respect your opinions!
<3
britty
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The last line was what struck me the most, in my opinion. You, as are many other people, are very descriptive and fill the atmosphere with emotion.
But I didn't catch any errors or spelling mistakes.
Good job and I wish you luck in the contest! -
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Thank you so much!
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That was really good. :)
I liked the last line, that was clever. The overall structure was really good and the pace was also good. I really like the first paragraph, that was good, a really engaging beginning.
One thing I would say is when she talks about being raped and killing the guy maybe you shouldn't be saying it so obviously...so the reader has something to work out? Ok, I'm being really vague here but I mean sometimes it's a little obvious when an author just states something as big as that...you could also tell the story of rape and murder in the main story so the reader gets more engaged wondering what would happen...if you know what i mean.
You don't have to follow my advice.
Anyways, love the story, really good.
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Thanks!
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twat in the fudgey cakes? good story odd though
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Thankies.
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