The wind blew relentlessly taking its hand and dragging it over the water's surface, creating a giant ripple that came to a crashing cease atop the golden brown sand. It continued in anguish towards the dryly burnt sand. Falling short at tips of neatly curled toes before returning to its watery grave, only to be attacked by another giant ripple.1
Nyela sat on the grainy earth with her toes buried in the wet sand. It was only a matter of time before she had to return. Had to go back into the confines of four walls, had to put up with indifferent cries and cold glances.2
The sweat poured from her pores and slid off her skin. She stared at the welcoming water and fought the urge to enter its watery depths. She could feel the heat emanating from her body as it left her. Her muscles trying to remove the strain and lactic acid that flowed within them. 3
'I will not go in' she thought. No, she couldn't. By the time she cooled off enough so she could go in, they would realise she was missing. She glanced down at the red marks on her wrists. Probably chain her again. She looked up just as a few rays of sun peeped over the horizon. She scampered to her feet. It was Dawn.4
She'd never be allowed outside again if the sun caught her. She'd be chained in that dark room, no windows, nothing but bread and water. She stopped and stared at the sun. But why go back? What did she have to be afraid of? She was different so what. They had done their experiments on her. Now they were trying to save themselves from what they created. She was a monster but if being a monster meant freedom why not take it.5
She turned to face the rising sun. Skin stinging her as it reddened. She felt her insides move, making her clutch her stomach. She felt her scapula move and broadened. The rest of the bones in her back snapping and re shifting. She yelled in pain as she felt a sharp stabbing in her back, sending her to her knees. Fingers digging into the sand, head hung between them. Groaning, she was forced to the ground as two white heavily feathered wings burst from within her.6
She breathed out heavily sending a sheet of sand flying. The wind blew it back against her, making her sputter and spit. She raced to her feet, off balancing as her wings outstretched. She glanced down at her skin, her pale cream flesh turned a dark chocolately brown and her long blonde hair had turned black with red highlights.7
She looked back at her wings and tried to gain control of them. She managed to move them up and down once before she heard the snapping of a tree branch.8
Had they realized she wasn't there already? No...they didn't rise until late. She knew the timing, she'd drilled it in so that she could slip away from the house. Still searching the trees for signs of movement, she breathed in heavily trying to slow her heart rate.9
Convinced she was suffering from paranoia, she turned and walked towards the water. She folded her wings close as she bent to look at her new self. She hadn't changed much except for her wings, skin and hair, she still had the rounded face, sparkling brown eyes, thick eye lashes and eyebrows and a set of full lips.10
She ran a hand through her thick hair. Where was she going to go? She closed her eyes as she tried to recall some of the places she'd seen on the map in the laboratory while she slipped in and out of consciousness. Sighing to herself as nothing came to mind, she opened her eyes slowly. Only to be met by a dark cloth, sweetly fragranced, covering her mouth and nose.11
Two heavy set arms wrapped around her. Squeezing her ribs, disrupting her breathing, crushing her wings. She wiggled, violently thrashing against her attacker's arms trying to free herself and fighting not to take a breath. The grip tightened around her, her wings crushed against her. She tried to open them but they would cost her a breath. Arms squeezed tighter again, fingers linking. She felt one of her wings snap. Her scream of pain escaped as a moan as her eyes lulled back into her head, eyelids growing heavy.12
Sleep came instantly.
_______________________________________________________________13
'Nyela' the voice came through the darkness in a whisper. She could hear the crackling of a fire and hear the wind whistle but saw nothing but blackness.
'Nyela' the voice called again, louder and more urgent. She tried to move but it was as if she had no control of it. Her breathing was harsh and every breath raked her chest.
"Nyela." the voice called again closer this time. She felt herself being shaken.14
"Leave her, she's awake." she heard a deeper voice say. He was further away, his voice hushed…
"She is? I mean she's just...there." The first voice said. There was no response from the other. She heard footsteps, shuffling and then hushed whispers.
She tried to move her body again. She felt her fingers move but she hadn't gained complete control. Slowly, she opened her eyes and stared around her. She was in a cave. The dark grey walls jutted out sharply and widened wherever it pleased, giving the cave and unusual shape and providing many places to hide. Shadows lurking heavily wherever the light from the fire didn't reach. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of a darkly figure sitting at the mouth of the cave. He seemed to be singing but the words she neither heard nor understood. As if realising she was watching, he stood and walked out of the cave, pausing briefly to look over his shoulder. He continued walking before falling sharply from sight. She raised a brow.15
Sighing, she pushed herself to her feet as the numbness of her body wore off. She stretched and twisted her torso trying to remove the stinging pain in her back. She looked over her. Her pale skin had returned and so had her blonde hair. She looked behind her. No wings. She ran a hand over her back. There was only a small swelling and tears in her shirt. As she ran a hand over her left swelling, it stung her fingertips. She pulled her hand away, staring at the reddened tips.
Waving her hand in an attempt to stop the stinging, she stared around the cave before slipping her fingers in her mouth. She remembered standing on the beach, struggling against that cloth and she'd had a broken wing. Her left wing. She took her fingers from her mouth and looked at them.16
"It'll do that every time you touch it." she heard a hushed voice say. Words bouncing off the cave walls, making it impossible to find the origin. She stared at the cave entrance, she hadn't heard nor seen any one enter and she couldn't see anyone now.
A cold wind pushed against her, twirling around her, whispering in her ear languages she couldn't understand. She knew she should be afraid but somehow she wasn't. She walked over to the fire and sat close to it.
"Why do your wings only come in the sunlight?"
She looked up at the mass of shadows directly in front her. There was no mistaking that that was where it came from.
"Why am I talking to a shadow?" Nyela rasped, forgetting how badly her chest hurt. More whispers. If it could the shadow seemed to twirl and out from the very shadow itself, a tall dark lanky man walked out. Wings folded around him, a golden chain wrapped in his hand. Slowly he twirled the chain and the shadow that adorned the wall vanished. At that very moment the light that filtered into the cave was blocked. She looked up to find the figure who had been sitting at the cave mouth, standing before her, wings outstretched.17
"Drake, the riders are closing in on us fast." his silver green eyes rested upon Nyela, "They'll be upon us by sunset."
Nyela raised a brow, “What’s going on?"
"That's what you should be telling us." the words escaped and danced into the air before she had time to see who spoke.
"Vince now isn't the time." Drake said calmly. He turned to Nyela, "You've yet to answer. Your wings?"
Nyela looked at him and then at Vince. Vince, too, was dark and had black spiked hair. His silver green eyes glaring at her. He was muscularly built and he was younger than Drake. Drake's age was written all across his face. They seemed to be liked her, dark skinned and black haired. But even with the darkness of the cave their wings still showed. Drake called to her again, repeating his question, calling her from her trance.18
Nyela let her eyes rest upon Drake. Was this man to be trusted? They had gagged her and broken her wing. Who knew, they could be taking her to her death. She felt as though she owed it to them but she knew nothing of or about them.
"Who are you people?" were the words that slid off her tongue. Vince became infuriated and marched toward her. Grabbing her by her neck, he pushed her against the cave wall. She grabbed onto his arm and started burying her nails in his arm. His grip didn't loosen.19
"In only a matter of minutes, those humans will be upon us. Now is not the time for asking questions unless you want to be captured again." the last word he breathed, sending chills down her spine. Nyela felt her chest tighten and her head begin to swell from lack of oxygen. Her vision blurred as they filled with water, “You speak of them as though you aren't human."
He gripped her tighter, “Stop playing games. You know what they can do to you yet you stand here defending them."
Drake held on to Vince's hand, “She doesn't know."
Vince turned to Drake, not taking his hand from around her neck. Nyela fought him, hands pulling at his, tearing his flesh. He looked back at her. Swearing he released her and walked to the entrance of the cave. Looking down, he shook his head at the herd of at least forty humans all bearing weapons. 20
'Tranquillizers' he thought as he looked back into the cave to watch Nyela, who'd fallen to her knees and was holding her neck as she struggled for a breath.
"We need to leave," he said quietly, “Now."
His last directive was meant for Nyela. She didn't move. Drake walked to her and helped her stand, “How far will we get carrying her?"21
Vince glared at Drake, “We’ve been carrying her since dawn and every time we rested those retched humans have been on our hind. How far do you think we'll get?"
Drake ignored his sarcasm and bitter tone, “Will we at least make it to the border?"
Vince breathed out and stared out the cave. A few seconds later, he turned back to Drake, “Yes we will make it."
The voices of men reached the cave. Drake lifted Nyela unto his back. He looked at Vince, “Very well then."
Nyela sat on the grainy earth with her toes buried in the wet sand. It was only a matter of time before she had to return. Had to go back into the confines of four walls, had to put up with indifferent cries and cold glances.2
The sweat poured from her pores and slid off her skin. She stared at the welcoming water and fought the urge to enter its watery depths. She could feel the heat emanating from her body as it left her. Her muscles trying to remove the strain and lactic acid that flowed within them. 3
'I will not go in' she thought. No, she couldn't. By the time she cooled off enough so she could go in, they would realise she was missing. She glanced down at the red marks on her wrists. Probably chain her again. She looked up just as a few rays of sun peeped over the horizon. She scampered to her feet. It was Dawn.4
She'd never be allowed outside again if the sun caught her. She'd be chained in that dark room, no windows, nothing but bread and water. She stopped and stared at the sun. But why go back? What did she have to be afraid of? She was different so what. They had done their experiments on her. Now they were trying to save themselves from what they created. She was a monster but if being a monster meant freedom why not take it.5
She turned to face the rising sun. Skin stinging her as it reddened. She felt her insides move, making her clutch her stomach. She felt her scapula move and broadened. The rest of the bones in her back snapping and re shifting. She yelled in pain as she felt a sharp stabbing in her back, sending her to her knees. Fingers digging into the sand, head hung between them. Groaning, she was forced to the ground as two white heavily feathered wings burst from within her.6
She breathed out heavily sending a sheet of sand flying. The wind blew it back against her, making her sputter and spit. She raced to her feet, off balancing as her wings outstretched. She glanced down at her skin, her pale cream flesh turned a dark chocolately brown and her long blonde hair had turned black with red highlights.7
She looked back at her wings and tried to gain control of them. She managed to move them up and down once before she heard the snapping of a tree branch.8
Had they realized she wasn't there already? No...they didn't rise until late. She knew the timing, she'd drilled it in so that she could slip away from the house. Still searching the trees for signs of movement, she breathed in heavily trying to slow her heart rate.9
Convinced she was suffering from paranoia, she turned and walked towards the water. She folded her wings close as she bent to look at her new self. She hadn't changed much except for her wings, skin and hair, she still had the rounded face, sparkling brown eyes, thick eye lashes and eyebrows and a set of full lips.10
She ran a hand through her thick hair. Where was she going to go? She closed her eyes as she tried to recall some of the places she'd seen on the map in the laboratory while she slipped in and out of consciousness. Sighing to herself as nothing came to mind, she opened her eyes slowly. Only to be met by a dark cloth, sweetly fragranced, covering her mouth and nose.11
Two heavy set arms wrapped around her. Squeezing her ribs, disrupting her breathing, crushing her wings. She wiggled, violently thrashing against her attacker's arms trying to free herself and fighting not to take a breath. The grip tightened around her, her wings crushed against her. She tried to open them but they would cost her a breath. Arms squeezed tighter again, fingers linking. She felt one of her wings snap. Her scream of pain escaped as a moan as her eyes lulled back into her head, eyelids growing heavy.12
Sleep came instantly.
_______________________________________________________________13
'Nyela' the voice came through the darkness in a whisper. She could hear the crackling of a fire and hear the wind whistle but saw nothing but blackness.
'Nyela' the voice called again, louder and more urgent. She tried to move but it was as if she had no control of it. Her breathing was harsh and every breath raked her chest.
"Nyela." the voice called again closer this time. She felt herself being shaken.14
"Leave her, she's awake." she heard a deeper voice say. He was further away, his voice hushed…
"She is? I mean she's just...there." The first voice said. There was no response from the other. She heard footsteps, shuffling and then hushed whispers.
She tried to move her body again. She felt her fingers move but she hadn't gained complete control. Slowly, she opened her eyes and stared around her. She was in a cave. The dark grey walls jutted out sharply and widened wherever it pleased, giving the cave and unusual shape and providing many places to hide. Shadows lurking heavily wherever the light from the fire didn't reach. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of a darkly figure sitting at the mouth of the cave. He seemed to be singing but the words she neither heard nor understood. As if realising she was watching, he stood and walked out of the cave, pausing briefly to look over his shoulder. He continued walking before falling sharply from sight. She raised a brow.15
Sighing, she pushed herself to her feet as the numbness of her body wore off. She stretched and twisted her torso trying to remove the stinging pain in her back. She looked over her. Her pale skin had returned and so had her blonde hair. She looked behind her. No wings. She ran a hand over her back. There was only a small swelling and tears in her shirt. As she ran a hand over her left swelling, it stung her fingertips. She pulled her hand away, staring at the reddened tips.
Waving her hand in an attempt to stop the stinging, she stared around the cave before slipping her fingers in her mouth. She remembered standing on the beach, struggling against that cloth and she'd had a broken wing. Her left wing. She took her fingers from her mouth and looked at them.16
"It'll do that every time you touch it." she heard a hushed voice say. Words bouncing off the cave walls, making it impossible to find the origin. She stared at the cave entrance, she hadn't heard nor seen any one enter and she couldn't see anyone now.
A cold wind pushed against her, twirling around her, whispering in her ear languages she couldn't understand. She knew she should be afraid but somehow she wasn't. She walked over to the fire and sat close to it.
"Why do your wings only come in the sunlight?"
She looked up at the mass of shadows directly in front her. There was no mistaking that that was where it came from.
"Why am I talking to a shadow?" Nyela rasped, forgetting how badly her chest hurt. More whispers. If it could the shadow seemed to twirl and out from the very shadow itself, a tall dark lanky man walked out. Wings folded around him, a golden chain wrapped in his hand. Slowly he twirled the chain and the shadow that adorned the wall vanished. At that very moment the light that filtered into the cave was blocked. She looked up to find the figure who had been sitting at the cave mouth, standing before her, wings outstretched.17
"Drake, the riders are closing in on us fast." his silver green eyes rested upon Nyela, "They'll be upon us by sunset."
Nyela raised a brow, “What’s going on?"
"That's what you should be telling us." the words escaped and danced into the air before she had time to see who spoke.
"Vince now isn't the time." Drake said calmly. He turned to Nyela, "You've yet to answer. Your wings?"
Nyela looked at him and then at Vince. Vince, too, was dark and had black spiked hair. His silver green eyes glaring at her. He was muscularly built and he was younger than Drake. Drake's age was written all across his face. They seemed to be liked her, dark skinned and black haired. But even with the darkness of the cave their wings still showed. Drake called to her again, repeating his question, calling her from her trance.18
Nyela let her eyes rest upon Drake. Was this man to be trusted? They had gagged her and broken her wing. Who knew, they could be taking her to her death. She felt as though she owed it to them but she knew nothing of or about them.
"Who are you people?" were the words that slid off her tongue. Vince became infuriated and marched toward her. Grabbing her by her neck, he pushed her against the cave wall. She grabbed onto his arm and started burying her nails in his arm. His grip didn't loosen.19
"In only a matter of minutes, those humans will be upon us. Now is not the time for asking questions unless you want to be captured again." the last word he breathed, sending chills down her spine. Nyela felt her chest tighten and her head begin to swell from lack of oxygen. Her vision blurred as they filled with water, “You speak of them as though you aren't human."
He gripped her tighter, “Stop playing games. You know what they can do to you yet you stand here defending them."
Drake held on to Vince's hand, “She doesn't know."
Vince turned to Drake, not taking his hand from around her neck. Nyela fought him, hands pulling at his, tearing his flesh. He looked back at her. Swearing he released her and walked to the entrance of the cave. Looking down, he shook his head at the herd of at least forty humans all bearing weapons. 20
'Tranquillizers' he thought as he looked back into the cave to watch Nyela, who'd fallen to her knees and was holding her neck as she struggled for a breath.
"We need to leave," he said quietly, “Now."
His last directive was meant for Nyela. She didn't move. Drake walked to her and helped her stand, “How far will we get carrying her?"21
Vince glared at Drake, “We’ve been carrying her since dawn and every time we rested those retched humans have been on our hind. How far do you think we'll get?"
Drake ignored his sarcasm and bitter tone, “Will we at least make it to the border?"
Vince breathed out and stared out the cave. A few seconds later, he turned back to Drake, “Yes we will make it."
The voices of men reached the cave. Drake lifted Nyela unto his back. He looked at Vince, “Very well then."
Author notes
Sigh, I dunno...I'm really needing reason to continue this. I've two other chapters up but I dunno...
What do you think?
In a list
A contest entry
- Anything Goes by ForestFaery.
350 points, ended December 13, 2008, 19 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Nice opening paragraph...you should try your hand at writing for the movies. You see the action and the scene in your mind. Start with the opening sentence. "The wind blew relentlessly..." It seems a bit like a run-on sentence or maybe a little cumbersome. Can you rewrite this a little? End the sentence after relentessly, or add a semicolon. Then, add,"It was as if a giant hand..." Nice visual depiction though. You have a nice way of writing...like some of the science fiction writers I have read. Keep working on making each sentence work...the adjectives describe the subject/noun..the adverb agree with the verb, verb tenses agreeing with previous sentences. The plot was beginning to emerge....what was the main conflict? She was fleeing from humans? Who were the two strange men? Keep up the good work...I hope I can read an updated copy of this.
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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I disagree
I think the opening sentence is better the way it is. Similes are used so often in opening paragraphs that if I read "it was as if" in a sentence anymore I often skip it. I don't care what it was as if; at that point I've already created the visual the myself and I am done with it - it should take no more than one sentence to describe the wind.
Metaphor is much cleaner. The wind swept its hand over the water. The only necessary change to the opening sentence would be to add a comma after "relentlessly". Otherwise, the sentence is perfect as is. -
Thank you for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it. I'll get around to editing as soon as i finish writing the first draft of the novel. Thank you for pointing out the few of many mistakes. I'll take what you said into deep consideration when I'm editing. There is more to read if you'd like. Thanks again for reading and commenting.
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A very origional plot, I'd say continue. For the second part you need to fix it so that paragraphs are broken up better, I kept losing my spot and having to find it again in the mass of words. I noticed a few editing things but otherwise this was very well writen. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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I would like to read more of this plot line in further additions; I really liked it!

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this is absolutely amazing! im attatched 2 it! i can't stop reading it! i luv the word choices. the plot is excellent and the setting makes me want 2 go there. u have 2 get this story published.


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wow. that was absolutely amazzing...you have me totally captured in your story. i love the darkness of it and how we don't really know what is going on but we get some of it

awesome job!
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awesome job thank for entering in my contest
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wonderful great job you have a great plot and strong characters keep it up and thank you for entering


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i love the way you wrote this, your writing style is something special... but in my contest i did ask for less than 1500 words, sorry but you dont quallify for the finals ... i'm sooooo sorry, this truley was a great story!


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Thanks anyway I did realise afterwards that it had gone over the word limit but by that time the contest was already closed. So i just figured I'd leave it and let you read it but I'd bear in mind it couldn't go to the finals. Thanks for reading and commenting though, most would have just deleted without paying a glance so thank you ALOT.
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nice story... excuse my empty comments.


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Wow...this is an interesting take on an old theme. I would definitely like to see how you develop this story especially in terms of plot and character.
Keep on writing
God bless with it
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