Jason’s Perspective1
I woke to darkness next to people huddled in the back of army van. The wind outside rattled the sides of the van and, at some times, lurched the truck from side to side. 2
I recognized none of the people there, but there was the smell of fear in the air and confusion. Most of them didn’t understand why they were captured, just that their lives were no longer in their own hands.3
Two hours passed and finally, the truck stopped and the doors squeaked opened. A gruff male voice yelled at us and ordered us to get out of the van. As soon as our feet hit the soggy ground, they covered our heads and pushed us in the direction that they wanted us to go. 4
I played along for a few minutes and then purposefully tripped myself. One of the guards yelled at me to get up, but I was being sluggish on purpose. I sensed that he was going to kick me and caught his foot and then instinctively twisted it. The guy fell hard on his chest. Thank the lucky stars for my brown belt in karate, I thought to myself, as I removed the bag over my head. 5
I looked around to get my bearings and I saw that I was in a “detainment” facility. The entire 25 acre area was surrounded by double fences and guards were posted on lookouts all over the place. There were four rows of small green barracks and it was pouring rain. 6
At the guard’s scream of pain after I twisted his foot, the spot lights shined down on me and I instinctively ran for cover away from the lights so that I could see better. I ducked down behind a barracks wall and kept myself as flat as I could be as the guards ran past me. I looked down the walkway to see if any more guards came from the main building, but none came. I turned back the way I came and I saw a shadow in front of me.7
Something hit me in the head hard and as I looked up, I saw a soldier with an assault rifle held the opposite way in his hands and I knew that he butted me with the end of his rifle before I lost consciousness again.8
“Resilent, he is.” A sage-like voice woke me from my stupor. 9
“Yes, but he’s brash and doesn’t follow orders.” Another man said. I recognized that voice. It was the first voice that I heard getting into this detainment facility. The soldier with the gruff voice. 10
“He doesn’t need to, but he does need to… what was that? Are you sure that he’s under?” The sage-like voice said nervously. 11
“Ah, he’s awake, no matter, he won’t remember this anyway...” Gruff voice faded away...12
Author notes
This is my second chapter in my NaNo story... please give me some honest comments. Thanks!
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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i like
You know about the truck/van thing so lets move on. This has a lot of resonance. Not only because we are all aware of Nazi Germany, but also because of the illegal US torture site in Guantanemo Bay. i love the first person perspective, keep at it as you have something here
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Ohh, I read this already, but I didn't get back to the first chapter till now. It makes so much more sense this time! One thing that was confusing:
He doesn’t need to, but he does need to… what was that?
I finally guessed that the speaker here gets interrupted after the 2nd "to". Maybe if you put a dash instead of an ellipsis. It sounds like he's just trailing off musingly, and the doesn't/does thing makes no sense that way.
Otherwise, orders? what orders? He's being forcibly recruited? Hmmm...must read on! -
Yoda?
I was really getting so caught up in the action sequences of this part that I couldn't help myself...nor could I stop myself from reading. I had to read most things twice, one time as a reader, another time as an editor.
WOW!
I'm totally loving it!
My crit:
I woke to darkness next to people huddled in the back of [an] army van. The wind outside rattled the sides of the van and, at some times, lurched the truck from side to side. [Is it a van or a truck?]
Two hours passed and[,] finally, the truck stopped and the doors squeaked opened.
I looked down the walkway to see if any more guards came from the main building, but none came. [I looked down the walkway to see if anymore guards were coming from the main building, but none came.]
Something hit me in the head hard and as I looked up, I saw a soldier with an assault rifle held the opposite way in his hands and I knew that he butted me with the end of his rifle before I lost consciousness again. [Wow! What a long sentence! Would advise breaking this sucker up.
]
“Resilent [Resilient?], he is.”
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wow
loved it -
I liked it generally...
'smell of fear in the air and confusion' basically you've reworded one of the most common phrases in any book. However the sentence after is nicely insightful, so I'm not condemning the third paragraph by any means.
Also, 'Thank the lucky stars for my brown belt in karate, I thought to myself' kinda sounds like something out of the Hardy Boys. Don't want to make you feel bad, we all have stuff that doesn't come out the way we want. Good job with detail, it has an appropriate military feel.
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I haven't read the first chapter yet but this second chapter was great I enjoyed reading and look forward to reading the rest of your book
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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AMAZING
This is great.
There is nothing that I can see wrong with it.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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wow
i love the details!!!!i also don't get the Na No phenom that well either...i guess i kind of slow but really good story!!!! -
You are a very good writer and I love your details. I admit that I do not understand that NaNo phenom too well. I guess I am too old or out of touch or something...but I always enjoy good writing.
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Good details.
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hey
that was kool
i really enjoyed that
it was very descriptive and detailed
i was involved the whole time
very inviting
loved it
keep it up cant wait to read more
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Wow really short for a chapter, but exteremly well written!
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You've been captured by Yoda!
It's good; the level of description is rather higher than I expected from a NaNo, so yay for you! Keep writing! -
Freaky stuff. You gave the atmosphere of a prison very well. This chapter was way in the dark and left me very curious as to what the hell is going on and what happens next. Cliff hanging is a powerful skill.
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once again wow! thanks for the email telling me about this, if there is a chapter 3 could you do it again!
loves it! -
This has (again) a really good atmosphere to it.
In P.6 " the spot lights shined down on me" - is it meant to be shone?? I'm never sure with my own grammar, so take it as you please!!!
Whats sage-like sound like?? I dont know?
Really good story!!
Thumbs up to you!
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Great!
It kind of reminds me of the concentration camps in Germany, very realistically described. I wonder what will unfold as the story progresses.=)=)=)
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