Hard To keep

Hard to Keep
He was perfect. In my eyes he was perfect, but my friend thought he was only there to save me from the nothing that I am. I was, well how would I put this, I was just plain, simple and boring to me at least. I’ve always on some level dreamed of having a boyfriend but I felt ugly and undeserving. To be honest, I hardly talked to any guys; I was in my own world, with my own friends. He came in so sudden and we talked and the funny thing about this was I had once crushed on him, but I never took it so seriously. We talked, for a few months. He liked me. I didn’t know what to do. The most important thing was...did I really even like him? I said yes and we were officially going out. The problem was, I had the sudden guilt taking over me, and I could never look him in the eye. It took me two days, and I broke down and I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. His friends only made it worse; they told me how happy he was when he saw me and that was I ripping him. The next day, I couldn’t resist and I called him and we had such a fun time over the phone and it was that phone call that brought us back. He said...he said....he said he loved me.....and I didn’t want to let him down so I said it too. I felt so loved though. I knew he loved me more and it was comforting it was warm and pleasant. 1

Our relationship kicked off, but I hardly saw him over the summer and then school began. We met up once in a while. He was my first boyfriend. He was first “more than friend” hug. He was my first kiss. Everything I didn’t expect to happen to me happened while in high school. Our first kiss was right outside his friend’s house. He wanted me to look him in the eye and I did it, just for that time and before I knew it our lips touched. It was warm but it was quick and I backed away.2

Then our relationship became rocky he wanted to see me more and I couldn’t comply with that. I had extra circular activities and strict parents. We fought every day. I couldn’t take it anymore he was becoming annoying to me. This relationship became tedious and time consuming and it was falling apart in front of our eyes. He didn't see this he kept trying to patch it up and I just kept lieing. I didn’t love him as truly as he did. I cheated him I fooled him and I said you don’t deserve this. He said i took advantage of him. I said it was a big responsibility. He said he’s sick of it. I said maybe we should end this. He said, is there going to a fifth month. I said no.3


Maybe I didn’t look him in the eye because I was faking everything. But I don’t regret a single moment because he provided me with something special. I’m sorry.