don't burn the bridge
until you're all the way
on the other side
until you've looked over your shoulder
and seen a turned back
don't burn the bridge
when the man in the tollbooth
is still trying
to apologize for the fee.1
There are a lot of things that could be going on in this situation. I don't know all the details, which would be helpful. But honestly, it doesn't sound like what's going on necessarily has anything at all to do with you. I can think of lots of reasons she might avoid you for a few days that have nothing to do with being angry at you.2
Has she been avoiding *only* you, or all of her friends? Have you checked that out? If not, look into it. If she's *only* avoiding you, then the likelihood that it has to do with you is higher. But if she's avoiding everyone, or even more than one of you but not all of you, that implies that it's a problem on her end, not a problem with her relationships with her friends.3
I'll give you an example from my own life. I lost a friend in eighth grade because she was kidnapped and raped. I didn't know what to say to her and I tried to always be there for her, but she felt like everyone around her blamed her and looked down on her for what had happened, even though we didn't. She blamed herself in her own head and projected that emotional hurt onto everyone else to try to escape it because she didn't really understand what was going on with herself, much less know how to deal with it appropriately. So she stopped being my friend, and whenever I tried to re-establish contact, she'd make it very clear that she wanted us to "grow apart", that she wanted to be alone. 4
It hurts my heart still, sometimes, when I think about it, because I kept in contact with her family long enough to know that things just got worse. Last I heard she was psychotic and had attempted to kill not just herself, but other members of her family.5
None of this was my fault. Maybe I could have tried harder to show her I was on her side -- but shit, I was 15 too. I did my best, but I had no idea at the time what she was thinking. Only in retrospect as an adult can I understand that the problem had nothing to do with me, or with her.6
Now, I'm not saying your friend has certainly been raped, or anything like that... but if she is avoiding many people, not just you, some kind of traumatic event is quite possible. She may have had another friend you don't know die or become seriously ill, or a family member. She may be experiencing some sort of mental health symptoms such as OCD, depression, or cutting, and feel isolated and afraid because of it. Especially if she's depressed or suffering from anxiety, she'll be prone to retreat from people she cares about. 7
Another example from my own life. Several years after I lost that friend, I became mentally ill myself. I retreated from my social life, which had never been very big to begin with. I still have some of the core friends I used to, but I've lost a whole lot of people over the years just because... sometimes I'm not healthy enough to be a friend. I know that doesn't make sense, and it hardly makes sense to me too, but sometimes I try as hard as I can and I still just... things like showering are beyond me, much less keeping up with a social event. It's just too much data, too much input. Overwhelming. Can't understand, can't follow, can't keep up.8
It's terrifying, especially when you're used to being mentally healthy and in control of yourself. You feel like you're falling apart and while you know *intellectually* that your friends and family love you and want to help, *emotionally* you can't orient yourself. It's like being in the middle of a washing machine that never turns off.9
It's also possible that you just said something offhand that didn't mean anything to you, but which hurt your friends' feelings, or something else like that, and she doesn't know how to ask you for an apology or is afraid you two will fight if she brings it up and she's trying to avoid emotional drama, which as you know is very painful.10
In the end, the best thing to do right now, I think, is this. Call her and leave a message or a text somewhere you know for a fact she'll get it. If she doesn't use a cell phone much, go for somewhere on the Internet she frequents daily, where she can't possibly miss it.11
In the message, say something like this: "You're one of my best friends. I feel like you've been avoiding me lately, and I feel like I might have done something to make you angry. I really didn't mean to and I'm very sorry if I did. I just want you to know I'm always here for you if you need me. Please come talk to me whenever you're ready to. I'll be (wherever you normally are.)"12
Don't say anything accusatory, and don't tell her how much your feelings hurt right now. That will put her on the defensive and make an argument more likely, even where there's no real reason for one. Emphasize the fact that you care about her, that if you said or did something to make her hurt or angry it was an accident and you're sorry, and that you miss her and would like to talk to her about anything she wants whenever she's ready to. Those are the only things that really matter, if you have a genuine friendship.13
Unfortunately, however, it's a fact that some people do not understand the idea of friendship. They'll hang other conditions on it, like "When I break up with a boyfriend, you *have* to be on *my* side or you're not a *real friend*." Which is ridiculous. A friend isn't a personal cheerleader, nor someone obligated to pad your ego and soothe your wounded feelings regardless of the reality of the situation. A friend is there to care about you, support you, and help you. Shielding you from the reality of your own behavior and/or choices is not helping you or supporting you. If she's mad at you over something like that... there's really not much you can do.
You'll just have to wait until she realizes what real friendship is, and what it isn't. But hopefully it's something much more solvable.14Good luck.
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