I'm lying in the bed of a cheap motel. Well, I take that back. It's not exactly cheap, but it's not top notch either! Anyhow, It's good enough for the night. It's not like I'm really gonna notice if a roach or two scurries by while I'm enjoying my wedding night! Yes, I know that it's awfully pathetic that I'm writing in my journal on my wedding night, but It's not like I haven't been through this before! I mean. I love Samantha and all, and I want tonight to be special for her.... but frankly I'm just not surprised by sex anymore. Besides, this is her first time, (Yes, I've managed to capture yet another virgin! Sheesh!), and she has spent God knows how long in the bathroom already, primping and preening herself! Bless her tender little soul though! All she wants to do is please me, so I'll bear with her somewhat cute little antics. I must admit that it is a bit refreshing to be in the presence of such a shy and timid woman. She's a far cry from Annie!1
Annie.... Ya know, I hate to say it, especially considering the fact that I'm married now ; but I don't think I'll ever completely be over her! There's not a day that goes by when I'm not reminded of her in some way or another. Oh well, I have Samantha now. I really think she's the one..... the marriage that's gonna last. I mean, Samantha is everything I though I had found in Annie. She's sweet and reserved. The artsy-craftsy type of girl. A real homemaker! Plus, she wants lots of kids! Something that Annie never wanted, and didn't have the decency to tell me so. God! I knew I shouldn't have started in on her! I'm just gonna go on and on now, like usual! I can't help it! I just can't get the times we spent together out of my head. For instance, I was leaving for work at my usual time one morning. Annie was still sleeping. I remember seeing her there, uncovered, in her silky white chemise. The ceiling fan, blowing the thigh length material. Making it inch up higher, revealing a little more with each flutter. She was curled up. Her face was half hidden by her long black waves. As I knelt down to kiss her cheek, I pulled the covers up around her. Stopping, I stared at her sleeping face. I could see her eyes moving rapidly behind her precious lids. Breath was escaping her barely open lips, blowing a few strands of hair with each soft sigh. She was so damn beautiful that morning! Of all of the mornings we had shared together, why did she have to look the most beautiful then!? That glow she had.... the glow of her pregnancy, it made her look like a goddess! So, I left her there sleeping, going off to work. I only worried slightly when I hadn't heard from her at all that day. It wasn't untill I returned home that I really began to worry. She would usually be in the kitchen making one of her famous Strawberry pies with whipped cream. Or, she could be found in a hot tub full of bubbles, surrounded by candles, and eventually me as well. However, when I entered our modest little house, she was nowhere to be found. It wasn't really odd for her to just up and leave though. Her spontaneous nature was constantly blowing her here and there. THe only disturbing thing was that she hadn't even left a note!2
By 7 o'clock that evening, I had already contacted every available friend and family member, searching for my wife in vain. She finally came walking in the door at 8:25. I remember running into our small foyer, seeing her standing there with her friend Cathy. I began to go to her, to take her in my arms. I stopped in my tracks when my eyes met her pale, sweat drenched face. She stood there, her shoulders slumped forward; a thing Annie would never do on a regular day. She looked me in the eye, tears streaming down her face. Her chestnut brown eyes were blackened with guilt; stripped of their usual liveliness. The moment that my eyes met hers, my heart literally broke. Just by looking into those poor eyes, I knew exactly where she had been all day. She spoke first, crying out to me, "I'm so sorry, Eric! I'm so sorry but I had to do it!"3
I acted as if I didn't know what she had done, hoping that perhaps I was wrong. Fighting back the quiver in my own voice, I asked her sternly, "Where have you been, Annie?"4
She scrunched up her face and finally replied in a small voice, "I've had an abortion."5
Tension was thick in our house that night, as well as the next few weeks. For so long, I couldn't stand the sight of her. It was those damned darkened eyes of hers! Yet, as usual, I couldn't stay mad at my Annie for very long. Eventhough her act wasn't worthy, I still granted her forgivness. I just told myself that our baby was inside of HER, thus giving her more say over what was to become of it. Then, a month after all of this, she left in the night. All of her things were still at home. The only thing she took with her was a cheap, old, novelty snowglobe from Louisiana.6
~~~~~~~~Entry 2 On It's Way!!!!~~~~~~~~7
Author notes
Please comment on this piece! I really need the feedback! I hate writing in the first person point of veiw and I have NEVER written from a male point of view! Please Please let me know If I'm doing good or not!
~Epiphany.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Well, I liked it!
Don't worry about the male pov, you are certainly close enough that it works fine.
First person is also good, maybe a little skaky which will improve the more you write.
Wonderful story line, previous crisis and current thoughts provide excellent tension and motive for writing.
Well done again!
Amicus...
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Great
Hehe! wow! i've read this before...
i can't wait to read the rest of the pieces, this
is a good story line, you're so smart! hehe...
i would say more, but i dunno, lol....
i can't really think of anything to say but that
this is great! hehe...love you much!
***Jessica*** -
It's fine. By adjusting the paragraphs, in this one section, I've satisfied the reader's need to know about annie as you stirred up that need. No need to add any new information at all. Just rearrange the information already written for this section.
I demonstrated it in the arranged pieces if you look closely. Annie is spoken about in a little bit more detail. I show you just that part again lol:
I'm lying in the bed of a cheap motel. Well, I take that back. It's not exactly cheap, but it's not top notch either! Anyhow, It's good enough for the night. It's not like I'm really gonna notice if a roach or two scurries by while I'm enjoying my wedding night! Yes, I know that it's awfully pathetic that I'm writing in my journal on my wedding night, but It's not like I haven't been through this before! I mean. I love Samantha and all, and I want tonight to be special for her.... but frankly I'm just not surprised by sex anymore. Besides, this is her first time, (Yes, I've managed to capture yet another virgin! Sheesh!), and she has spent God knows how long in the bathroom already, primping and preening herself! Bless her tender little soul though! All she wants to do is please me, so I'll bear with her somewhat cute little antics. I must admit that it is a bit refreshing to be in the presence of such a shy and timid woman. She's a far cry from Annie!
Annie.... Ya know, I hate to say it, especially considering the fact that I'm married now ; but I don't think I'll ever completely be over her! There's not a day that goes by when I'm not reminded of her in some way or another.
For instance, I was leaving for work at my usual time one morning. Annie was still sleeping. I remember seeing her there, uncovered, in her silky white chemise. The ceiling fan, blowing the thigh length material. Making it inch up higher, revealing a little more with each flutter. She was curled up. Her face was half hidden by her long black waves. As I knelt down to kiss her cheek, I pulled the covers up around her. Stopping, I stared at her sleeping face. I could see her eyes moving rapidly behind her precious lids. Breath was escaping her barely open lips, blowing a few strands of hair with each soft sigh. She was so damn beautiful that morning! Of all of the mornings we had shared together, why did she have to look the most beautiful then!?
Oh well, I have Samantha now. I really think she's the one..... the marriage that's gonna last. I mean, Samantha is everything I though I had found in Annie. She's sweet and reserved. The artsy-craftsy type of girl. A real homemaker! Plus, she wants lots of kids! Something that Annie never wanted, and didn't have the decency to tell me so. God! I knew I shouldn't have started in on her! I'm just gonna go on and on now, like usual! I can't help it! I just can't get the times we spent together out of my head.
That morning glow she had.... the glow of her pregnancy, it made her look like a goddess! So, I left her there sleeping, going off to
Edited on Sep 13, 1:51 because ''. -
Lovespoon oh Lovespoon! Always trying to make my stuff better! lol! I totally agree with you on most of your points. I knew I wasn't doing very well with the 'guy' thing. That's why I've been begging for comments and suggestions! lol! Anyhow, I am going to consider all of your comments except this one: Revealing more about Annie. I'm sorry but I just can't do that! You see, I'm doing the story as a series of journal entries and I don't know about you, but my journal is all random and mixed up like. This is what I'm trying to go with. Once I'm finished with all the parts you'll see where I'm trying to go. The point is for the reader to slowly get to know Annie and learn all the things about her and her life with Eric. Like in part 2, which I'm almost finished with, Eric digresses and you learn how he met Annie, and also that Annie isn't even her real name. See what I'm trying to do now?
~Epiphany
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OK. Good to write from first person. First person is easy. Your biggest problem is going to be describing how your character/narrator is dressed.
Title is interesting.
I like the start of this. I'd describe the room a little bit more, and probably mention if there's a tv. He's a guy after all and might wonder if a game or two is on. lol
Whooooa here! You started to tell us about Annie and then nothing? What gives here, EA. You got to go on about annie a bit:
Annie.... Ya know, I hate to say it, especially considering the fact that I'm married now ; but I don't think I'll ever completely be over her! There's not a day that goes by when I'm not reminded of her in some way or another.
For instance, I was leaving for work at my usual time one morning. Annie was still sleeping. I remember seeing her there, uncovered, in her silky white chemise. The ceiling fan, blowing the thigh length material. Making it inch up higher, revealing a little more with each flutter. She was curled up. Her face was half hidden by her long black waves. As I knelt down to kiss her cheek, I pulled the covers up around her. Stopping, I stared at her sleeping face. I could see her eyes moving rapidly behind her precious lids. Breath was escaping her barely open lips, blowing a few strands of hair with each soft sigh. She was so damn beautiful that morning! Of all of the mornings we had shared together, why did she have to look the most beautiful then!?
Oh well, I have Samantha now. I really think she's the one..... the marriage that's gonna last. I mean, Samantha is everything I though I had found in Annie. She's sweet and reserved. The artsy-craftsy type of girl. A real homemaker! Plus, she wants lots of kids! Something that Annie never wanted, and didn't have the decency to tell me so. God! I knew I shouldn't have started in on her! I'm just gonna go on and on now, like usual! I can't help it! I just can't get the times we spent together out of my head.
That morning glow she had.... the glow of her pregnancy, it made her look like a goddess! So, I left her there sleeping, going off to work. I only worried slightly when I hadn't heard from her at all that day. It wasn't untill I returned home that I really began to worry. She would usually be in the kitchen making one of her famous Strawberry pies with whipped cream. Or, she could be found in a hot tub full of bubbles, surrounded by candles, and eventually me as well. However, when I entered our modest little house, she was nowhere to be found. It wasn't really odd for her to just up and leave though. Her spontaneous nature was constantly blowing her here and there. THe only disturbing thing was that she hadn't even left a note!
By 7 o'clock that evening, I had already contacted every available friend and family member, searching for my wife in vain. She finally came walking in the door at 8:25. I remember running into our small foyer, seeing her standing there with her friend Cathy. I began to go to her, to take her in my arms. I stopped in my tracks when my eyes met her pale, sweat drenched face. She stood there, her shoulders slumped forward; a thing Annie would never do on a regular day. She looked me in the eye, tears streaming down her face. Her chestnut brown eyes were blackened with guilt; stripped of their usual liveliness. The moment that my eyes met hers, my heart literally broke. Just by looking into those poor eyes, I knew exactly where she had been all day. She spoke first, crying out to me, "I'm so sorry, Eric! I'm so sorry but I had to do it!"
I acted as if I didn't know what she had done, hoping that perhaps I was wrong. Fighting back the quiver in my own voice, I asked her sternly, "Where have you been, Annie?"
She scrunched up her face and finally replied in a small voice, "I've had an abortion."
Tension was thick in our house that night, as well as the next few weeks. For so long, I couldn't stand the sight of her. It was those damned darkened eyes of hers! Yet, as usual, I couldn't stay mad at my Annie for very long. Eventhough her act wasn't worthy, I still granted her forgivness. I just told myself that our baby was inside of HER, thus giving her more say over what was to become of it. Then, a month after all of this, she left in the night. All of her things were still at home. The only thing she took with her was a cheap, old, novelty snowglobe from Louisiana.
~~~~~~~~Entry 2 On It's Way!!!!~~~~~~~~
Well I'd adjust a few sentences to make this more coherent. You have to go on with annie a bit since your brought her up.
All and all this is good so far. Keep writing it. And you might want to pop open a few male magazines and get the drift of how males are sports addicts and afraid of love and like sex and the like. -
Wow, this is an awesome story. Very striking and suspenseful. I'm wondering if the Man in this story is anti-abortion, or if he was just excited about having a child. Thats just something I'd wonder about, but that's not important to the story... I dont know, maybe it is, its up to you.. anyway, enough rambling... I definately will read Entry 2 when you put it up. Great story.
Rae -
Wow...this was a great story!! Just like all of them. But this on was a little diffferent. I loved it sooooooo much. Great Write. I can't wait to see the next part. AHHH it was so good. This is one of my "wow" stories. Great Job. Thanks so much for sharing. God Bless you! =D
~steph~ -
AHHHH!!! That is unfair!!! I hate waiting! And just when I was really getting into it too!!! I cant wait to see whats next!!! Check me out!
~*~Mandy~*~ -
as always the plot is great... waiting for entry two as i always wait... who have me hook line and sinker on your stories... i'm always waiting for more... it seems to have the way of making me want to go and write some of my own... my feelings, my love... ashes
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can't wait to see the next entry. The word choice could use some work seeing as though your writing from a mans perspective, but the storyline is excellent so far..
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