"Looking Back"

1


Slowly descending the stairs of a rather loud school bus, a girl by the name of Lora. But, by such a sweet name, she did no justice. Her face was pale and sharp, her hair burned by the hundreds of days straightened. She sighed, and looked back at the yellow bus, which then took off in the direction of the next stop. Only a few more days of riding that shit hole,she thought, smiled to her self and then shook her head. She had earbuds in her ears, but this was an unidentifiable fact – for her hair covered up her ears. They boomed loud, ugly, angry music in to the thick of her skull. She ignored it. She wasn't in the mood.
Lora was a small girl, no taller than 5 foot. She was thin, and bony – not an ounce of fat hung from her body. She had thin hands, curved feet and sharp but jaded face. Makeup was caked around her eyes. Eyeshadow still lingered dark upon her lids, and mascara was heaped in thick fashion on her eyelashes (the mascara was unneeded, but she did not recall this fact when applying), and her face was covered in a light powdering of foundation (which was also unneeded – her face was barren of blemishes). She wore a fitted black coat, even in the eighty degree weather they where having, fitted pants and an perfectly clean pair of vans. A purse hung around her elbow, it's mouth agape – as if waiting for a meal. She was dressed in all black – as if to signify her state of mind. Perhaps a glimpse into her soul. Perhaps.2


As Lora started to descend the hill, knowing the way by heart – she let her feet do the walking. Thick memories poured into her mind. All of those nights.. Spent holding Matt's head, while he puked, and holding his hands when he broke down. They all flooded back to her. The sweet smell of his sweat as he ran shirtless around the back yard – yelling and screaming. Even the good memories, found themselves being rediscovered in the back of her mind. Their first meeting – the glimpse that made her fall for him. The way he brushed his thick black curls out of his eyes, or the way his shoes always looked as if they were going to fall off. Little bits of him – Lora was beginning to see in herself, the way he cried – letting a single tear fall down his cheek, and then burying his head into her shoulder. In her mother – the twitch of the left side of his lip as he smiled. And her friends – the way he laughed, hunching his shoulders forwards and squeezing his eyes shut. It all seemed so close – his smell... Musty, in the hot air – attractive in hot – as they lay in the bed together.
Lora stopped. As they lay in the bed together. That night.
“Lora.” He had said.3

“Lora.” The boy Matt said, turning on his side – his abs flexing. Placing his head on his hand, he propped himself up to look at her.
“Matt.” She said smiling back, turning only a bit to see him. She was beautiful, in his eye – her thin curves – the thin sheet, draping so slightly over her. Her small smile, that played almost mournfully on her lips.
But, Matthew was something different. He was not particularly muscular – nor was he fat. He was the average height for a boy of his age, and his body was slender. His skin was silky smooth, and untouched by labor.
Their eyes met – but only for a brief second. He looked away. “What's the matter, Matt?” She had asked. She had asked it again too, but he refused to answer.
He refused to answer.
He refused to answer.
The echoing of his refusal haunted Lora. It haunted her day and night. On the sleepless nights, she wandered the houses – screaming in silence his refusal. Writhing on the floor, in the pain an agony of his refusal. She had not been strong enough. She had not been ready.4

“Matthew!” Lora paused, catching a glimpse of the cigarette in his hand. They were behind the school. Lora had told Matt to simply wait for her, until she was finished talking to one of her teachers. But, Matthew of course had found his way to the parking lot – and somehow bummed a ciggie off of someone. It was no doubt who, of course.
He was standing in a circle of the most well-known druggies in the school. One was a tall boy, with a mat of brown hair laden upon his brow. It looked as if it hadn't been washed for a good two months. Nasty. Next to him, was a smaller more stocky boy who had a small mustache and sharp temper. The rage seemed to show in his eyes. The boy whom was standing next to him, instead of holding a cigarette, was holding a more illegal drug, rolled simply. Lora could smell the sweet stench of the burning leaf, even through the ciggie smoke.
“What are you doing here?” She said, holding her hand up – a bit motherish. “I just told you to wait for me in the lobby!”
“Babe.” He said, smiling, “Babe.” Waving his hand, “It's alright – just a ciggie.”
Her face condensed then, her lips set, and her eyes narrowing. She pulled him away from the growing group of boys. “Only a cigarette!” She puffed. “You said that last time – and I caught you injecting.” Her voice was vile, and she could see that it was like a smack across the face – he seemed to double over.
“Babe...” He said, dropping his Cig, and taking her around the waist.5

Lora bit her lip, the memories were too harsh. She couldn't take it. Loud music still pounded uselessly in her ear-drums. The song, she last heard -6

He was rocking slowly back and forth on the bathroom floor. His body was bare from the waist up.
His pants where held up by a single small belt, his boxers sagging over his belt. His stomach was curled against his legs as he rocked. His hair was matted and dirty, just as the bathroom was around him.
Lora walked in.
Matthew looked up.
Lora shook her head, and kneeling down to take a better look at him – she knew something was wrong. “What did you do this time?”
Matthew mumbled something that consisted of moans, and started to convulse. His limbs shook, as his body sprawled out on the cool tile of the bathroom floor. Lora didn't know what to do.
“Matthew!” She said at him, but he didn't hear – grabbing ahold of his shaking form, she screamed again, “Matthew!”
Holding him tighter, she began to cry... “Matthew..” She whispered to his form. “What did you do?” She said sobbing as his body shook slower..
Taking ahold of his head, she said directly into his face, “I need to know what you did.”
At that point – his eyes were closed, and his lips were apart. Lora had no way of telling if he had actually heard her. His body rocked.
A wrist, was the final thing she saw – welts were rising.7

I should have known, she said to herself. Her own voice shaking. Her hand now shaking – she promised herself she would stop. And repeated, “I will stop this nonsense.” It was not my fault. And again she whispered it to herself, “It was not my fault...”8

Walking into his room, which resided in the basement of a rather large home – it was dark, eerie and the walls were painted black. His bed took up most of the room, but the rest was dominated by musical instruments, magazines, clothes, and other random things. Matt was in the bathroom, that was only feet from her left, as she sat on the bed.
She inwardly sighed, it had been a hard day. Though school wasn't her main priority in life, tests still took a toll on her. She was exhausted. But, even drained – something caught her eye. A baggie. It was hidden. But, she still saw it.
Walking over to it, she uncovered it a bit – and looked at it. White powder, she could only guess what – filled ¼ of the baggie. She sighed, shook her head, and hid it again.
“Honey. What are you doing over there?” Came his sexy voice, from behind her.
“Nothing,” She had said, spinning quickly, and walking seductively towards him. 9

She had loved him. She had loved him oh, so very much. She believed it wasn't that typical teen love either. They both were seniors. They had been together since freshman year. That was a long time. But, it was sophomore year – when he first got into drugs.10

“Mike says he's having a party tonight.” Paused Matt, his hair not as long – cut above his gorgeous brown eyes. They melted themselves, and her – into a pile of mushy chocolate. “He says he wants me to come.”
“Matt. You know those are druggie parties. All they do is drink, smoke and get laid.”
Matt made a funny face, “That's not all they do there.” He defended his friend. “He said they'll be setting off some fireworks and such.”
Ever since Lora had known Matt, she knew that he was a sucker for dangerous things. Explosives, height, and just life-threatening things in general. But, he had been relatively clean up until then. 11


Dialing his number, later that night, Lora knew she was going to find his drunken voice on the other line. She knew that he would have attended the party, and as he picked up – she knew she was right. “Hey Lora,” his words slurred, and his voice deeper.
“Matt. You said you weren't going to go.”
“Now, Babe. I never said that.” It was true – he never said he wouldn't go. She just expected him not to, under her disapproval.
Though she already knew the answer, Lora couldn't help but ask - “Have you been smoking?”
“Smokin' what babe?”12

And that had been his answer.
All of these memories, out of date; out of order – swam around in her head. The re-existence of it all just seemed so... Unreal.
But, she couldn't help... But release a single tear. The single tear – he had upon his face... that night...13

His face was tilted away from hers – enshadowed in darkness. As if he didn't want his weaknesses to be revealed.
“Honey...” She said, taking a hold of his arm.
“Baby.” He said firmly, moving away.
He was cold. He didn't want her support. Although, she tried to offer it to him again.
“Babe.” She paused, wondering what was the best way to put it. “This isn't... Your fault.”
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“But, you see.” He said, looking up – revealing his tear stained face to the light.
“It is.”14

It wasn't. She knew. There had been no way, to have predicted the crash of his mothers car. There had been no way, to tell her not to go to work – she would have refused to listen anyways. Their family needed money. Desperately. Every since his father had left, their income had gone down.15

“I'm doing this for my mother.” Matt said, the strength of his heart showing in his face.
Laughing, Lora said, “Babe. There are better jobs, than this.”
Matthew had dressed up as the Easter Bunny last year – Last year. Last year....
To make a few quick bucks for his mother.
The weather was blistering hot, and the sun beat down harshly. Lora was worried about heat exhaustion. Matt was not.
“Have fun.” She smiled, winked and then walked away.16

“I walked away.” She said, her eyes showing nothing. Her lips moved like a mechanical being. And her mind ticked faster than a time clock. She simply did not know how to comprehend what she felt next. It was such a mix of emotions. Fear, love, longing, depression, guilt.. So much more. Her body felt like a swimming pool, for emotions to dip. A rather warm swimming pool, where emotions would not want to leave the water. “How could I,” She said, only her lips moving. “walk away?”
How could she? How could she... Echoed through her skull, as her legs wore on.