by Geri Fitzsimmons & Andy Stephenson1
The little plastic bird struggled forth and the chimes only sang out twice; yet several hours had gone by.2
The man slowly shook his head as if the cheap clock offended him. So pathetic and worthless, he thought, a replica of the small fragile owner whose head lay on the dinette table across from him. A soft snore came from her nostrils. What a tiny bump of a nose. Worthless. 'I could hack it off and no one would miss it.' he thought. He fingered the knife then returned it to its holder. Michelle is killing herself, he reminded himself. “Good girl,” he said aloud and smiled.3
A bit of drool formed in the corner of her tiny mouth. He studied it intently, curious that it hung there without falling away. Rubbing the tips of his fingers together, he felt the urge to wipe it away. “No,” he chastised himself. “Michelle is doing it all. Good girl.” He got up and poured a fresh cup of coffee. He remained standing at the counter while he drank. 4
“Michelle kept things so neat—I must tidy up.” At times it sounded like he was conversing with someone else. He finished the last gulp then rinsed out and dried the cup, replacing it in the cupboard.5
Returning to the table he began counting the shallow breaths coming from the woman’s mouth. “One…two…three…really, Michelle, you are taking a rather long time to expire,” he complained in a gentle tone. “I do wish you would quicken it a bit.” With a napkin, he carefully wiped the outside of the unlabeled prescription bottle he’d retrieved from the table. Then he pressed it into Michelle’s hand making certain both the palm and fingers gripped the surface in the proper manner. The lid was left on the table. 6
They’d discover the bottle contained Norvasc, a medicine used to treat hypertension, crushed and mixed with water. Michelle didn’t have high blood pressure. “Oh well, when one desires death.” His eyes clouded with a hate filled memory. “They can find a way to do it.” 7
Michelle began to go into convulsions, her body moving of its own volition while he watched the final process as if mesmerized. She jerked, turned and collapsed on the floor. Her coffee cup crashed with her.8
“Good night forever Michelle,” he murmured like a gentle prayer. Reclaiming his jacket, he slipped the leather gloves from the pocket to put on before he eased open the door. The hall was empty. He quietly closed the door behind him. Everything had gone as he planned. He smiled and thought, for such a worthless female Michelle made delicious coffee.9
Pleased with how perfectly the scene played out, he left the building still congratulating himself. Michelle had been easy. Some had been more difficult; but he need not dwell on them now.10
His latest possession was parked in front of a similar building a half block down the avenue. He walked proudly towards it. 'A beauty,' he thought as he admired the black Lexus gleaming in the early morning sun. He’d only owned it for a week and had hand washed it twice.11
Enjoying the feel of the plush interior fabric, he eased the car into traffic. Normally, the droves of yellow taxicabs weaving in and out of lanes irritated him. Not this morning. Ah, but it was a lovely morning. A honk here; a honk there. He snickered and out loud he said, “Honk, honk.” And laughed with vigor. He headed uptown.12
At a little after eight, the contented fellow left the parking garage of the new Manhattan high rise in a private elevator that stopped on the thirteenth floor. The thought that he lived on the thirteenth floor amused him. Many things amused him about his lifestyle especially the lady who paid his outrageous lease.13
She would still be asleep, he realized. He preferred she stayed that way. So he was extra quiet when he opened his apartment door. He kicked his shoes off in the vestibule before he made his way to the guestroom.14
“I’m awake,” she called out. “No need to walk on tippy-toes.” Strangely her tone didn’t have its usual nasty wake-up bite.15
“For once I’m not going to lecture you on that damn twenty-four-seven job of yours.” She sat up. Sunlight came through the window. Two pink nippled creamy breasts came up over a black silk sheet. “I’ve been laying here waiting for you.”16
Damn! He wasn’t anticipating two-way activity. Michelle was still in his mind and he would have enjoyed indulging in fantasy with her. “But it’s nearly eight thirty. You’ll be late at the office.”17
“Surprise Lover! I took the week off. I decided we aren’t spending enough time together. I get home at five thirty. You sleep until six or seven and then rush out of here.”18
“But you were tied up on that…” 19
She interrupted before he could finish. “Not this week.” She cupped her breasts in her palms. “You put in too much time at that ridiculous job. Have you got any energy left?" she asked. "Do you think you can make love to me?" Looking down then up at him through fluttering black lashes, she simpered, “Don’t they look lonely and positively appetizing?” She stroked her breasts seductively and lightly pinched the nipples. 20
Her tone and body language advertised she was into her ‘Slave and Master’ routine. It was difficult for him to work up the desire to have sex with her when she was in such a mood, but he knew he had to try to please her or there would be no living it down. Shit! The time and activities required to satisfy her would leave him worn and weary. What a wasted afternoon. There would be no time for Michelle.21
He pulled off his shirt and tossed it on a chair. He kicked off his socks and unbuckled his belt. His slacks pooled around his bare feet and he stepped free of them. “You want me to shower first?” 22
“Wooo I’m hot baby sooo hot. You could smell like a garbage collector and it wouldn’t offend me now.” The top sheet flew off. She squirmed around on the silky blackness of the bottom one. Her perfectly tanned, nearly hairless body wiggled above manicured toes, a sight to drive most men to distraction.23
If she didn’t have more money than God, he thought, she’d make a fortune in prostitution. Attempting to seem enthusiastic, he moved quickly to claim the lovely body. Starting with her toes, he mouthed his way up and down the long slender legs, pausing now and then, to allow his hands to explore above. His tongue and lips tormented her flesh, teeth gently nibbled as she thrashed in pleasure.
In a list
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
-
I actully think we have two serial killers here...one who is complete control of himself...and one who is a slave to his needs and wants >.> which is just as bad *shivers.* I love this story and will be sticking with it forever...at least untill it is finished XD I actully sujecst publicastion >.>...but thats just me lol.
Keep up the awsome work
Karissa
-
-
Hi there!
Thanks for continuing with our story.
We are hoping to publish this novel. We're near the end of the first draft. We tried one agent, so far, but it was rejected.
Can't tell you much about the killer. I don't want to ruin the story.
Andy
-
-
XD I know all about that....and I sorryit got rejected o.o...bad people who have no tastes XD
-
-
Thanks
-
-
-
-
Incredible
This is amazingly addictive!
-
-
Hi there!
Just saying hello! I noticed I hadn't replied to this comment.
Andy
-
-
Okay I didn't expect that and I'm keeping my eye on the two of you. he really has changed what he's doing, no slice and dice here folks. He just gives me the creeps. He's too in control of himself. Makes him past scary.
One little note, last paragraph last sentence = Hi(s) tongue and lips......
Great Job, I'm intrigued, I don't believe I've come across a serial killer that changes this much.
Th.
-
-
I'm catching up!
I feel like it's been a week since you posted these comments. I'm finally getting to the replies. I'm tarred
.
I felt like this idea was rather unusual for a serial killer, but I must confess that I've seen a movie in which the killer forces a woman to swallow a bunch of pills to kill her.
Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. I appreciate it.
Andy
-
-
Nice! Huh, he really just let her die...interesting. I was so sure he'd have a firmer hand in her death...Ah, well. It really does add to the story, actually, in my opinion.
Anyway, great chapter and I can't wait to read more!
~sberendt
-
-
Hi Sberendt!
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate you reading us. I'm very happy you like this chapter.
If you want to read ahead, you can click the links beneath the chapter to go to the list of chapters at the left link and to the 'next in list' on the right.
Andy
-
-
Superb!
This was really well-written, excellent delivery, style and even a little mischievous The protagonist's detachment kinda reminds me of Dexter (I love that show!) as well as his evil sense of humor. Great authors voice (or voices) that can really make a bad guy likeable. I'm looking forward to reading more and more!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
-
-
Hi Onaya!
Well, I don't know if our bad guy is really likeable, but I think we do have some likeable characters, all with their peculiar faults.
Thanks for starting our story. If you'd like to pick it up from the beginning, here is the link:
http://storywrite.com/list/36716-The-Devil-Came-East
Andy
-
-
I think I've commented this under "Radio murders"
-
-
Hi Steve!
We started this draft with the title change in order to try to iron out all the problems from the first draft. We needed fifty pages to send to an agent, so we posted chapters enough to reach that mark. We've since posted no additional chapters here, but in the list there's a link back to the first draft.
Andy
-
Hi Steve, you are correct--this is a second draft.
We changed the title--the story outgrew the original one. How do you like this one?
Andy is posting this draft in hopes of getting some more polishing done. Lazy ain't we
.
Geri
-
-
Hmm, I was wrong... Poor Michelle, but at least she didn't have to deal with the torture I expected...
It's always strange to me to have a main character with no name, but I'll have to try it sometime... -
-
Hi!
Most of this novel is devoted to trying to put the name on the killer. The reader discovers who it is before the police. The killer is, of course, a very important character to the story, but the most developed character is probably Joseph Farley.
Andy
-
-
We find out more! So he's kind of fitting into the profile of a killer who gets off on murdering his victims by doing things to himself after the act?? The fact that he has a beautiful woman as well suggests that he has more then he wants in life and is bored and lonely, it isn't real love, they both use each other like leeches. I'm really getting into this, I love how the killer has no remorse, it cheers me up to read a novel such as this and think of the possible excitement the later chapters will hold.
Mike
-
-
True,
A lot of the killer's satisfaction comes from the plotting and his own imaginings. The killings themselves are almost anti-climatic for him.
The woman is he uses is more to finance his way of life than as a sexual object.
Andy
-
-
I'ts hard to comment on each
chapter when I want to keep reading.
One question. To me, coffee grounds mean already used coffee. To me, it should read ground coffee
And in the last sentence, you have Hi tongue-should be his
-
I love how this chapter starts off. Again, I might mention the expensive car, but it seems to be a pattern that in your story, the character pulls off well. Also, the irony of this man living on the thirteenth floor is certainly not lost, rather, it adds depth to the character.
I like how he was more interested in his fantasy with his victim than the actual, um, act with his partner. It describes the criminal mind very well. He doesn't seem to care as much for her as she thinks. This too adds greatly to the depth of his personality. Nicely done.
-
-
Howdy!
Our killer, we've attempted to mold into a killer unlike the usual serial killer in some ways. Our story and subplots are designed to keep the reader involved and entertained. Our leading character is Joseph Farley. The novel revolves around him. For some reason, that's the way the story has evolved.
Andy
-
-
Okay, this is getting really good. I suppose you're wondering why I'm commenting so fast. It's because I'm a really fast reader!
-
-
Ah!
I remember now. We have an agreement and I've got some reading to do
. Well, I'll try to get on it soon.
Andy
-
-
Good job
Another good installment. I have had a hard time determining what it was, about this, that bugged me so much. I think I have figured out what was so distracting to me.
1. Why would a killer not kill his victim?
My thinking on the topic is that a killer usually has an m.o, his signature. (His inevitable way of eventually being caught.) It seemed to weaken the character for me. And the line “sounded like he was conversing with someone else.” (To who?) I think this should be insinuated rather than said outright.
2. I really liked paragraph 5, the impatience. Here the story regained my attention.
3. Why Good night forever, it is insinuated. She’s dead.
4. Killers on average have either a scared wife at home or a soul sucking wench. Not a seemingly decent hard working woman. Maybe more about her will be revealed as I read.
Just a few things I noticed. Hope this input helps.
-
-
Thanks Thayla
More does come up on the killer's woman later.
He forced Michelle to overdose on a blood pressure medicine. That's murder, though it might appear suicide.
The killer does talk to himself. I guess he likes the sound of his own voice.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. We appreciate it.
Andy
-
-
Never having written a collaboration I can't begin to imagine how you go about it! You are both very brave...
It is an interesting journey you take your readers on, although I found the narrative voice a tad too passive ~ if you switched some of your key sentences around it might give it a bit more immediacy and pizzazz.
I'm sorry to say I picked up some more of those pesky typos:
'The little plastic bird struggled forth and the chimes only sang out twice; yet several hours had gone bye (by).' 2
'He finished the last gulp then rinsed out and dried the cup, replacing it (in the) cupboard.' 5
“One…two…three…really(,) Michelle(,) you are taking a rather long time to expire(comma)” He (he) complained in a gentle tone.
'He’d only owned it for a week and had handwashed (it) twice.' 11
'A honk here; A (a) honk there.'
'Her perfectly tanned [skin ~ unnecessary], nearly hairless body wiggled above manicured toes( a sight to drive most men to distraction.' 23
'Starting with her toes, he mouthed his way up and down [and up] the long slender legs(,) pausing now and then[,] to allow his hands to explore above.'
Anyhooooo ~ well done overall! I wonder what he does next...?
-
-
Just wanted to add my 'Thanks' to what Andy said. Your careful editing is very much appricated.
Geri
-
Hi.
You found a lot of goofs. Have you worked as an editor or proofer, or is you just good? We really appreciate you going over our story so carefully. We're trying to perfect it.
Do you like our little collaboration?
This is our second posted draft.
Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
Andy
-
-
In paragraph 16: "twenty-four-seven" would be more correct.
And in 'graph 23, "wouldn't offend me".
A very interesting chapter. The story is developing nicely, well done. Those were the only two errors I noticed. Great work!! I hope to see more of this. -
-
Just like to add my thanks for your comments Cory, (
I got it right.
And of course for finding those booboos. The darlings find their way in no matter how many times we edit.
Geri
-
Thanks
Thanks for reading, commenting, and finding my mistakes. I appreciate it. I noticed that you've already seen chapter four. You may be ahead of yourself. I hope it didn't confuse you. We really are happy that you are reading our story.
Andy
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 32 of 32
