Twilight: The Ultimate Saga of Mary Sue and Gary Stu

Just about everyone's heard of the Twilight epidemic sweeping the world. There aren't many girls who don't know Edward Cullen, the alluring vampire, who is the ideal "perfect boyfriend." And of course, there's Bella Swan -- she's just your average highschool girl, who happens to fall in love with Edward. And so, the dramatic tale of their forbidden love unfolds.1

... Give me a minute to gag, please.2

This story is the biggest load of crap I've ever seen. Edward is the embodiment of Gary Stu, and Bella has got to be the epitome of Mary-Sue. Seriously. Like the kind a "Mary-Sue Generator" would spit out.3

So, it started out with Twilight, the first in the saga. I must admit, it was the lesser of four evils.4

Anyone who's written a story about "new girl moves to new town, meets perfect boy (canon or original) and falls in love" raise your hands -- be honest now. It's something a lot of young writers have done, especially in their early days. Heck, I'm guilty of it. Well, that's bearable. If you haven't written a "new girl moves to new town, meets perfect boy and falls in love" story, you've probably read one, so the concept isn't unfamiliar. So to begin with, Twilight seems like more of a high-school-romance fanfiction than anything.5

Moving on to the actual characters. We'll start with Bella, because I hate her the most.6

In the beginning, I sympathized with her. New boring school, new miserable town, and she was just the awkward, always-out-of-place girl. I knew the feeling, so I already felt a fondness for the protagonist. There was also the "moving in with awkward father" character -- boy, that one fit with me too. I really began to feel close to her. It intrigued me, kept me interested. However, the feeling of fondness only lasted for the first few pages. Then, enter the boys.7

How about those annoying, seemingly-pointless characters, Mike, Eric, and, Tyler? All three -- at least Mike -- are whipped about her, and Mike is constantly pestering Bella to date him. Sure, we're all sick of the lot of them by the end of the book, but seriously, read between the lines. Bella says that she's not pretty. She's never thought she was pretty. She makes a single comment about her pale skin looking nice sometimes, but that's about it; for the most part, she's got a low opinion of herself in the beauty department. So why are these boys fawning over her? It's not just because she's the new girl. Never have I seen boys whipped about a new girl the way they're all whipped about Bella. Meyer is (not-so)subtly saying that Bella's (a freakin' sex bomattractive. So, the continuous denial of her good looks grated on my nerves. I'm not saying that she should be egotistical about it, but seriously, she always compares herself to Edward's looks and basically says "I'm not good-looking enough for him." It's annoying. Add in her fan club, and I was starting to not like Bella. But, I'll come back to her later.8

And of course, here comes Prince Charming, and the antithesis of normalcy: Edward Cullen. Oh, Edward, what a guy! He's got looks, he's got brains, he's got looks, he doesn't even look his age (which is nearly a century), he's got looks, he's got money, he's got looks, he's got class, he's got looks, he's got manners, and did I mention every girl at Forks High has fantasized about getting in his pants at least every day of their life?9

Well, let's try to find any cons of his we see in Twilight. Um, he almost eats Bella within the first hour he knows her. He... um... Yeah. That's it. And of course, he's hot, so we can all overlook the fact that he nearly killed Bella. Right?10

Wrong.11

Let's go over his looks again, shall we?12

Tousled bronze hair - check.13

Natty dresser - check.14

Perfect teeth - check.15

Appears thin but actually has amazing muscles - check.16

Liquid golden eyes - check. By the way, they change color when he's hungry!17

Pale as death with rings around his eyes - check. But that don't take away from his hotness!18

Okay. First of all, I swear I've seen "tousled bronze hair" in a Mary-Sue Generator before -- no lie. Second of all, "thin but muscular" is one of the most OVERUSED descriptions of canon AND original characters. EVER. Third of all, just imagine this! The guy is pale, pale, PALE. I'm not saying that's a bad thing -- lots of people are pale. But the purple rings around his eyes? Christ, that would freak me out! Picture someone who looked like they'd never slept in their life, and there's Edward. And yet, he's like the most gorgeous guy to ever grace the earth. How does THAT work?19

Now on to his personality. Maybe, just maybe, if he had a rotten personality, I'd let this guy off the hook. But no, even his personality is flawless. He's got style and manners and brains. He ultimately gets accepted to some of the most prestigious colleges in the US, and how lovely, he aspires to be a doctor. Is there anything this guy doesn't have? I mean, other than a girlfriend and a pulse, Edward's got it made.20

Everything about his sickening perfection screams GARY STU.21

Now that we've covered them seperately, how 'bout together? So Bella meets Edward, Edward meets Bella. Edward, a gorgeous immortal, has great power, but is trumphed by a greater power that Bella possesses. This would be Bella's built-in capability to block all things supernatural from affecting her. For example, Edward's mind-reading. This appears to be his only flaw, because Meyer justified him any time he was a jerk (ie, after the van) or was about to make Bella his dinner (ie, Bio, day one). This is a power she acquired without having to work at it. So, score one up for Bella and her (not-so-subtle)perfection.22

Yet, Edward makes a comeback. He sneaks into her room at night. He comes through her window for Pete's sake. How romantic. And of course, dear Edward would never try anything with her, because he's virtuous. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EDWARD COULD HAVE REDEEMED HIMSELF IF HE JUST RAPED HER OR SOMETHING! ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM NOT PERFECT!23

So, all in all, the book concludes happily. The Edward and the Cullens beat the bad guys, save Bella from a sadistic vamp, and Edward and Bella both go back to, uh, normal.24

New Moon was where I lost all respect for the both of them, and Meyer as well.25

Let's start with my personal dispointment. I love Shakespeare and I think he was brilliant; if I had a chance to go back in time and meet anyone, it would be him for sure. A Midsummer Night's Dream has been my favorite play since I was twelve, with Romeo and Juliet claiming a close second. Of course, everyone has heard of Romeo and Juliet. Starcrossed lovers, forbidden love, tragic death, yadda yadda yadda. I think the two of them were pretty Sue-esque as well, but they were made from the pen of one of the most revered playwrites of all time, and they were originals that sparked inspiration for hundreds of other characters and stories of love and tragedy. So, when I read the opening of New Moon and saw the except of Romeo and Juliet, I had high hopes.26

Well, here we go. This was basically the book. Edward says/thinks: "It's not you, it's me, so Sayonara." Bella says/thinks: "Life has no meaning without Edward. But I won't kill myself despite the fact that life is pointless because I'm trying to be noble and stay alive for Charlie and Renee even though I'm suffering and know he doesn't feel the same and I really might as well be dead anyway because I'm like a reanimated corpse in school and at home--" you get the picture. Big fat drama queen. 27

Then, after Bella's fizzled out, she splutters back to life. Now she meets a kid she's manipulated once before, Jacob Black. And now Bella's a rebound whore. Even though she still loves Edward and refuses to move on, she's Jacob's girlfriend in all but name. She admits that they're more than friends. She strings him along, and on the rare occasions when he gets too close, she pushes him away pulling the "we're just friends" card.28

This is sickening. Jacob is different from all of the other characters, because he has -- heaven forbid -- flaws. During their bonding time (aka the start of Bella's whoring time) he demonstrates both the good things and the bad things. He's good looking, but not as much of a hunk as Edward. He's not "thin and muscular" just muscular. Or at least, he's big and strong. He's an autophile, a perfectly normal male obsession. He has a sense of humor, but he's never been described as brainy. You might say "Yeah, well, Jacob's a werewolf and he's super-strong!" Yeah, that's true. But he suffered to become a werewolf. He also had to work to control himself so he didn't phase whenever he got pissed off. It was a skill he had to hone, not something that happened over night. (And it was never specified how long it took for the werewolfing process to happen, either, so that might not have been "overnight" either.)29

Though, he's a bit of a Stu himself. He's a rebel; he challenges authority, and he's always the one who's right in the end. However, it's not like Jake lives without reprecussions. For example, since Sam is the Alpha of the pack, Jacob does have to submit to him. He doesn't possess some godly power to defy the natural order until later, when he declares his independence from the pack because of his grandfather's status. Until then, he has to obey Sam. Jacob also changes as a person right after his first phase. He becomes more bitter and serious than he was before. Any personality change is a welcome change at this point. Jacob has his good points as well as his bad, so that provides us with a character who doesn't have a completely static personality.30

Moving on a bit further now, we come across more dilemmas. Bella runs away from home to save her lover's life because he's going to kill himself after thinking Bella had died. Poor Edward, eh? So off he goes, to Italy, with Bella and Alice in tow to stop him. This sounds an awful lot like Romeo and Juliet. Edward's going to kill himself (or rather, make the Volturi kill him, which is basically suicide) and Bella will follow (not that she couldn't have killed herself earlier or anything).31

Needless to say, I was very disappointed. I was hoping Edward would be dead when Bella arrived. But alas, it wasn't to end that way. She saves him, only for the newly reunited lovers to be taken to the Volturi. Now I was excited. Surely, either they would die, or they would fight for their lives. It sounds morbid, but after all this reading, there was zero action, and I wanted some. But again, there was no death. No fighting, no blood, no mentally-scarred Bella. To cap it all off, she went off in another "I'm not good enough for him" shpeal until she comes to the anticlimatic realization that Edward loves her.32

No, honey, he was going to kill himself because he was angsty and depressed from vampric PMS. OBVIOUSLY Gary Stu loves you -- the book wouldn't be a best-seller if he DIDN'T!33

Backtrack for a moment here. Remember what I said about me starting to not like Bella? By this time, I was just about through with her. Return to the point I made earlier about Bella denying the fact that she's good-looking. Throw Edward into the mix, telling her that she is pretty. End result, she's still denying it. And here's the thick, slathered-on layer of icing on the cake: Bella always puts herself down. She's so shallow she believes that looks are everything. The solid evidence for this is simple: her main reason for believing she's undeserving of Edward is because he's hot and she's "not." So she's in denial, she refuses to listen when he tells her how beautiful he thinks she is, and she apparently considers beauty -- and love -- to only go skin-deep. Her narrow-mindedness was clear at that point, and Bella was just a disaster in my eyes.34

So anyway, it ends with the sappy "I'll never leave you again"s and an angry, abandoned Jacob. Anyone who doesn't feel some pathos for Jake here is either cold-hearted or Cullenwhipped.35

Coming back to the very start, with Romeo and Juliet: STEPHENIE MEYER HAS DEFILED THE GOOD NAME OF SHAKESPEARE.36

God, she could have at least shown the guy some resepct and killed someone off! (Preferably, Bella or Edward -- or both!) I loathe the fact that she even compared "starcrossed lovers" to Edward and Bella, or thought that her pathetic excuse for a plot connected to the quote she used, "violent delights have violent ends." 37

THERE. WAS. NO. VIOLENCE. UGH!38

Again, it'd be a different story if one of them got knocked off! But this book was 90% angst, 10% unrealistic love, and completely tragedy-less. How can you compare it to The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet if there was no tragedy in it?39

Now here comes Eclipse. FINALLY I get the action I've been craving, though in a much smaller portion that I wanted. For starters, the book was so devoid of a good storyline that I forget most of it. I remember part 2 of Bella's whoring, and the Volturi VS. the Cullens and Werewolves, and that's about it.40

Let's start with Jacob this time.41

The poor bastard gets strung out, only to be knocked down on his knees. Again. (Even though he's on his knees, he's still taller than Edward.) I'm seeing a recurring theme here, I dunno about you. I hoped the guy would just imprint already -- I mean, seriously, he needed to get over Bella. I knew it was impossible, but I had hoped that Bella would just freakin' make up her mind, and choose Jacob. I reiterate: I knew it was impossible. But that didn't soften the blow when they hooked up for a while and then she went back to Edward. One word for that, man.42

WHORE.43

She says she loves Jacob, as in lovers' love, not friends' love. When you "love" two people and you hook up with one of them while you're in a serious relationship with the other, that's called being a slut, which is what Bella did, and what Bella is. Sorry Bella fans, but it's the truth. And -- LE GASP -- Bella finally shows a character flaw! She's selfish!44

She wants Jake to be her sunshine, her happiness, and her best friend, and yet, she wants Edward to be everything else. She wants the best of both worlds. Flaw though it may be, it doesn't redeem her, not in the slightest. All it does is make her strive to make her life more like the Hannah Montana theme song (though in a more figurative way). 45

And there's Jacob, knocked off his pedastal. He gives her an ultimatum -- "them or us" -- he gets all soft in the end and comes back to her. Of course. It wouldn't be any other way, because BELLA IS A SUE. And Jacob? He's just a furry, lovable pawn subject to the Great Sueness.46

As for the action sequence, I didn't hope anyone would die in this one, but some fatal injuries might have been nice. For the third time, the book was devoid of death or any permanent loss. It was saddening, though I was glad to see the details of the fight between Victoria, the newborn, Edward, and Seth. (I love Seth, by the way.)47

Oh, and it seems like Meyer was trying for a little more Shakespearean tragedy by throwing in the "Bella's going to kill herself to distract the enemy" thing.48

Firstly, that would probably distract the newborn more than Victoria, and I doubt it would for long. Secondly, it might make Edward more than a little distracted himself. I mean, despite the fact that she's his heaven, earth, and sky, it's blood and he's a vampire. *rolls eyes*49

In conclusion, all Eclipse did was lower my opinion of two main protagonists so much that I almost didn't decide to go to the Breaking Dawn release party, and it made me absolutely love Jacob.50

I always root for the underdog -- no pun intended.51

And at last, the un-thrilling conclusion of the world's most cliche love story: Breaking Dawn.52

To get that book -- with faint hopes of the promised thrilling conclusion -- I waited for nine hours at Borders; spent sixteen bucks; went without sleep for about 48 hours (time I was awake prior to and after I started reading); and read 754 pages. You know what that all amounted to? Nothing. I wasted time, effort, and money, and all on a book where nothing exciting happened.53

The book was this: Bella gets knocked up, is made into a vampire immediately after childbirth, Jacob imprints on Bella's daughter, the Volturi check up on them, and leave. That's it. Seriously. If you haven't read or bought the book, don't bother. That's all that happens. But, let's backtrack.54

First of all, Bella's pregnancy.55

Oh boy.56

So, can I please say: what the fuck?57

Before this book even came out, one of my friends said, "I bet Bella gets pregnant." But I refuted with sound evidence that Meyer herself even backed in her own book!58

Vampric bodily fluid is poisonous. The most obvious example is vampire venom, which coats their teeth. At first it would seem that venom in their teeth is the only poisonous part, but when Bella herself is changed, that is proved false. Alice tells her to wear contacts to hide her red irises, but warns her that the venom in her eyes will disolved the contacts after a few hours. The liquid in their eyes and the saliva in their mouths are poisonous, then, which makes sense. Other than those, there is one other bodily fluid I know you all know of that they would have. (Blood doesn't count because they don't have any, and their digestive systems don't work -- something Meyer said in an interview -- so forget about those.) So, if something as obsure as tears have venom, why shouldn't the only other fluid? By all reason, vampire semen should be poisonous, thus when Edward and Bella have sex, the venom should have killed her for sure. I also wonder why the saliva, which no doubt carries traces of poison from their teeth, doesn't kill her when they kiss -- but that's besides the point.59

And there is, of course, the more obvious reason why Bella shouldn't have gotten pregnant. The simple reason is that Edward is dead. Immortal, thinking, and capable, but dead nonetheless. Sperm can't even live to begin with in temps under 98.6 for more than a few minutes, so I doubt that our chilly friend has any left after eighty, ninty some odd years. Seeing that Edward's dead, semen can't be produced, and it's impossible for him to impregnate anyone, mortal or not. He shouldn't even have semen, poisonous or not.60

Oh, and another thing. Vampire chicks can't get pregnant because their bodies can't change. If that's true, then how can vampire guys sustain an erection? That's a change in their bodies. Just throwing that out there.61

Moving on to Bella's transformation.62

So she pops out the kid, dies, and comes back as a vampire. It's the "Bite her" moment that we've all been waiting for since Twilight. And of course, she hears everyone muttering about how she's even more beautiful now that she's turned. Then she FINALLY thinks she's pretty, though it disappointed me that it took the ultimate change in her to discover her beauty. (C'mon, Steph, couldn't you have made her the hideous vampire?)63

Everything basically went according to plan, including more Sueness. Bella's the vampire who can control herself, unlike Jasper, who's far older and still can't break his mold. Bella's theme of having things she doesn't work for or deserve comes back. Of course, even I can offer her an excuse about the normal vampire traits like speed and strength, because those are things all vampires have. But unlike all vampires -- in particular newborns -- Bella is controlled by her will, not her thirst. It's something she definitely didn't deserve. Jasper, as a rare character with flaws, became another one of my favorites.64

Let's move on to the kid herself.65

Renesmee. Renesmee. Meyer was definitely tripping when she came up with that name. That and "EJ", the baby's name had it been a boy. EJ, Edward Jacob -- yeah, that was creative. It was an immediate tip-off that it would be a girl, because not only does EJ sound ridiculous, it'd be strange to have two Edwards in one story.66

In addition to her acid trip, I think Meyer was taking a class combining ebonics and Welsh when she coughed up that mouthful. Why didn't couldn't Bella just decide on something simple, like Liz or Amy? Seriously, was the (failed)attempt at creativity really necessary?67

Anyway, the name takes a few tries to start, and second of all, her nickname is just as dumb. When Jacob rechristened her Nessie, I thought it was hilarious, especially the way Bella blew up at him about it. But after everyone started calling her that, I almost wished they used Renesmee again. 68

Now for the imprinting.69

I know Jacob's fans are far and few, but even they must have been flabbergasted by this twist. Maybe some of you saw it coming, but I hoped Meyer was more creative, and did't. After all this time you think I would have learned not to hope for the best with these books. I found that pretty hysterical too when I read it, and then it really hit home: Jacob just imprinted on the baby of his dream girl. Now it's certain that Meyer was doing some very illegal and expensive drugs while she wrote this.70

God. I lost all resepct for Jake. He had to imprint on someone, but of all people, why Renesmee?71

Jacob's poor dignity was slapped on the ground, eaten and regurgitated by rabid animals, pureed in a blender, and presented to the world for all to see.72

I have no respect left for him. None. Gone. Poof. Bye-bye. Game over.73

And finally, the third encounter with the Volturi. And for the third time, the Cullens and the wolves didn't engage in an epic, bloody battle with the ancient vamps. I mean, this is what the whole damn book was leading up to. This is what the whole series was leading up to! A fight to the death with the Volturi! But, there was no fight. No blood or gore or loss of life from either party.74

I mean, for Chrissakes, it's not the Cold War! There should have been fighting, even a little bit, just some blood and guts and some casualties! I know I sound like a war-loving idiot with all this, but seriously, there was no fighting whatsoever. I enjoy a good bloodbath (or a few) when I read, and Breaking Dawn -- nor any book in the saga, not even Eclipse -- satisfied me. The stalemate and truce was so anticlimatic! Anticlimatic is just about the only word I can use to sum up this series, and it's one of the most accurate.75

Okay, so there's my rant about the bulk of the story. Now a short critique on her actual writing skill...76

IT SUCKS.77

No kidding. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her about a three. One because she got published, two because she doesn't use chatspeak, and three because she knows how to use a thesaurus. That's something she demonstrates quite frequently. For any grammar freaks -- or anyone with a brain -- it should be easy (and irritating) to see the continuous improper and misuse of Meyer's words. I distinctly remember one such instance, when she said "Alice tripped lightly to his side" or something of that ilk.78

Vampires don't trip. Least of all Alice, who walks like she's dancing. And I've never seen someone trip "lightly." The dictionary.com definitions of "trip" are:79

1. a journey or voyage: to win a trip to Paris. 80

2. a journey, voyage, or run made by a boat, train, bus, or the like, between two points: It's a short trip from Baltimore to Philadelphia. 81

3. round trip (defs. 1, 2). 82

4. a single journey or course of travel taken as part of one's duty, work, etc.: his daily trip to the bank. 83

5. a stumble; misstep. 84

6. a sudden impeding or catching of a person's foot so as to throw the person down, esp. in wrestling. 85

Using the first four uses hardly make sense, and when considering Alice's impeccable balance, the last two don't make sense either.86

See, using a thesaurus is a good thing, but only if you make the sentence make sense once the new word is placed in it.87

Maybe the saga would be salvagable if only she wrote well. But, that isn't so either. The only thing that made this saga known was the stud vamp who makes girls of all ages swoon. Such a shame that a story is loved only for an attractive male lead, not for the actual plot, characters themselves, or world they live in.88

If I wanted to read about Mary Sue and Gary Stu and their epic forbidden love, I would use my free account on fanfiction.net, rather than this poorly-written, drawn-out, money-eating, time-consuming load of bull.89