Ok, I admit it. The end of the world caught me off guard. I should have paid closer attention, but I have lots on my mind. I was counting the number of times the letter “C” appears on EBay. Not the lower case ones… just the big Cs. Also, the cat was acting very strange… guess it knew about the end of the world thing… I thought it was another hairball. I waited and watched for several days so I could clean up afterwards… then BANG… the world ended and there I was all alone with just a whisk broom to my name.1
Something as big as the finality of corporeal existence should have been on CNN or something long before it happened. I guess they were too busy covering the Michael Jackson thing and that guy who used his wife for bait. News is real boring. Oh sure, once in a while something crashes into something else or a new war starts, but mostly I really only watched for the male sexual enhancement drug ads myself. 2
The end, was not what I expected. There should have been more explosions and screaming and praying and stuff. I used to hang out at a funeral parlor and watch the widows throw themselves on coffins and weep uncontrollably, then run off with “Bob” or “Lenny” or that towel boy from the car wash. That was dramatic. All I got to do was belch “My what a bright light” and then vaporized. No proper music accompanied it. No great sound effects. No scientists wringing their hands looking for a solution. Just BLAP… dead… very disappointing.3
I keep wondering if I am going to get to meet God. I guess if it was going to happen, I would have already seen him, but then he might just be busy… you know… 12 billion people to process and who knows what he does with the animal souls. Maybe they use them in heaven for cosmetic research… you never know.4
One thing I would like to know if I do get to meet God… what the hell killed me and everyone? I think that’s a reasonable question, don’t you? It may not be important to some, but I used to love to see those disaster shows… mega tsunamis, asteroids, hemorrhoids, supervolcanos, mega gamma ray bursts, atomic death… all fun. Personally, I am hoping for super nova… that would be so cool… I died in the raging fury of a dying star… probably not. Not enough mass in our sun for that… Its much too early for proton decay and I suppose alien invasion is out of the question… too interesting.5
It has occurred to me that I may not actually be dead. That Arby’s potato cake I had with my gin and Prozac tasted a bit odd to me. I guess I have eternity to figure this out. Sure wish there was a bathroom around. I’ve been holding my knees together since I got here. Maybe it’s like a swimming pool or a garden party… you can just pee anywhere… these are the things I wonder. 6
Who knew death would be so complicated?7
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Oh my!!! this is excrutiatingly funny!!!! so many odd little funny bits thrown in.. 'Maybe it’s like a swimming pool or a garden party… you can just pee anywhere' man that nearly got MEE wetting myself!!! sheer briiliance, well done, my man!
xxx
Scarlet -
Love your quirky sense of humour and imagination. Great read and I suppose you have all eternity to ponder on those thoughts that plague you. Go have a pee - I won't tell anyone.
Cheers
Anne -
I never really thought of hell as being badly lit.
Lit as in Literati
this large pit of a fire hole where all they do is play Lit badly - a slow torturous long drawn out death - losing over and over again ..pitiful to watch really. Sound familar???
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A dear friend was in trouble yesterday and I guess it inspired me from the doom and gloom. What better way to finish a bad day than by deleting the universe
I never really thought of hell as being badly lit. Badly scripted... yes. In this high tech age of reason, we should be able to invent virtural hells so each religion can customise its own... maybe we could get a new improved hell out of this???
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that was a very interesting story
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great
to say the least i thought this wuz quiet hilarious lol with the michael jackson info and especially the hairball and cat stuff....u seem like u have a very imaginative mind and thats kewl i usually never end up reading a whole story so u should be proud bcuz i did on this 1!!!only bcuz i actually got into it so GOOD JOB and keep it up*MUCH LUV**
Tricia w. -
Highly original. And very much worth reading. This is well written and the humour is light, but apropo. All in all, a very nice read. thank you for sharing.
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Wow very different. Not bad at all tho. Rather funny and very original. Much Love
XOXO
~~Cassandra~~ -
wow. this was different. great write. it was intersting but i enjoyed reading it.
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To say the least, this was certainly original and humorous. I think you did a great job in capturing the imagery with the twists of humor throughout the entire piece.
I can't say any one paragraph is stronger than all of the others. I do think the first was a soft intro in comparison to the others - but it did well to get the subject in front of us... hairballs and all.
Nicely done with a great dose of original thoughts behind the subject of the end of the world. One can only imagine the things we'd be thinking. Hopefully, they really would be as colorful as this.
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