(This is a scene in which common words such as is, was, here, there, that, which, where, etc have NOT been used.1
Please inform me of any lapses....)2
The essence of winter rain tickled his senses, as he stood at the window, memories clouding his thoughts, washing his spirit away into a dreamland... The mist seemed to possess his grey eyes, and sleepless nights cast a faint shadow over his heavy lids. Having wounded its strong wings, time seemed to have forgotten how fast it could fly. Presently, it shivered between the branches of an avocado tree, looking longingly at the horizon.3
Turning away from the rain, the man let his eyes rest upon the child on the bed... his child... his baby... The baby looked back unblinkingly into his father's eyes, captivated by the miracle of eye contact, ignorant of his own shivering, caused by the biting cold. Can a father ignore the needs of his child? Taking long strides towards the wardrobe, he pulled out a tiny sweater and rushed back to clothe his son with it, forgetting the door of the wardrobe on his way back.4
After ensuring the child's warmth, the man kissed his forehead and returned to the wardrobe. While closing the door, a white dress caught his eye and stopped him on his tracks. He pulled it out and stared at it, admiring its spotlessness. It contrasted the plain black clothes he himself donned. Instinctively, he buried his face in the dress; desperately trying to catch the smell it filled his nostrils with... the unforgotten, sweet smell of her skin... He continued to sniff at the dress, turning away for every exhalation in an effort to prevent the dress from losing its scent. Finally, he gave it a deep, long sniff and laboriously pulled his face away from it.5
Wiping his tears, he went to his son, barely two weeks of age, and sat beside him. "You want to know her smell, don't you?" Saying so, he gently tucked the dress near his head so as to let the smell reach his nose. However, when it did, the child began to wail in a loud protest. Quick as the lightning outside, the father pulled the dress away and picked up his child, rocking him to and fro in an effort to console him... "I'm sorry - really sorry... it's alright... I shan't force you into thinking of her if it makes you feel sad... calm down, my sweet..." The child stopped wailing, comforted by the familiar smell of his father and by the warmth of his hug.6
Author notes
Hello....
This is a scene in which common words such as is, was, here, there, that, which, where, etc have NOT been used.
Please inform me of any lapses....
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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thank you!
I used the exclusion of words for my own benifit- to train myself- you know, to see how well I could write without using those words, thats all- because I find they are everywhere, so...
neway, thanks again! -
Thank you for your sweet words!!!
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Thank you soo much !!!! really sorry Im so late in replying, but I loved your comment, thank you!!!!
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Very nice and very sad. It is horrible when a infant loses their mother. And the pain that the father goes through too. But this is a nice story. The Father and child bonding is wonderful. I like how in the end the father comforts his son. It is beautiful!
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beautiful
very well done. if i haven't had my large taza of coffee, i would most definitely cry, but i'm too awake to do that. the reduction of common words makes the story that much beautiful. i love how the reader doesn't quite know what happened to the mother other than that she no longer is with her family. touching. my favorite is the white dress against the black clothing. that is absolutely spellbounding. simple and yet very poignant. exceptionally written. -
Good
Very nice. Touching detail. I concur with many comments, but question why the reduction of common words in a story format. I use this technique often in poetry, but find it different in prose. -
atlast something i can understand!!!!!!!!
nvery touching....keep it up. -
fantastic
hi, HATSOFF.beautiful.send it.gudluck -
This was really sweet, and I wonder how you managed to create this story.. How many times did you need to review it before you had all the flaws out of it?!
I thank you for entering my contest And I apologize for being so late with jugding.
Due to a lot of (TOO many) entry's I felt I had no choice but to take my chance..
Love
Sam
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spelling mistakes?? hmmm- I guess I must tell you that my spelling is UK English...
Use of grey and colour is correct-
Do tell me of any others & where the grammar is wrong.
thanks in advance! -
The detail in this write is so vivid.It is also so sad for a child to be motherless and for the father to be without her. The only mistakes I found were some grammatical errors and a couple of misspelled words. Aside from that you have a wonderful write here. Linda
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THANK YOU !!!!
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Awesome Write
Wow!!! You have some serious skills, this piece drew me in deeper with each passing line, and how well expressed it was, captivating the reader...(myself) making me want more, thanks for sharing this, you write wonderful, and have great gifts, thanks for being you and sharing your thoughts, dreams and in-betweens...
-Timothy The Poetic Weaver
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I loved your piece, it reminds me of a couple of authors who use a similar writing style, although no names come to mind at the moment. I'm a big fan of seeing father, son relationships in writing, because you so rarely see it nowadays. This piece meant a lot to me, and i wish you all the best for the future. Good luck, and never stop writing. Melfice xxx
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This was a really cute story. I enjoyed it, it touched me because it was so sad! I thought it was cute how the baby had bonded with his father its unusual but so sweet, i take it the mother had passed away, that is sad, i might be wrong but thats how i took it. Great write you have talent. Please feel free to check out some of my work. I have a story series called "It's never realy over is it?" if ur interested I would love ur opinion. QueenT
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Thank u very very much. Muchas gracias, Grazie, Merce, whatever u wish... It was imaginary. totally. Thanx again!
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wow i assume the the dress belonged 2 the childs mother, they always say the bond between child and parent is the strongest bond known 2 man, if it were only tru........... thi spiece is astounding, the pure imagery it creates and the emotions it forces the reader to feel, a fresh burst of reality, i felt for both the father and the child, i hope this isnt personal 2 u, cuz if so i can only imagine the pain of that situation, u have incredible talent and i shall b keeping an eye on ur wrok, congrats on an incredible piece ~emma~ xx
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Thank you for your kind comments... Its true- very few actually thought of the kid yearning for the smell of his father- it is normally sidelined over the story itself... Thank you very much!
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I love it, I think it is so sweet how he thinks the baby wants to smell her but really, he is yearning for the smell of his father, the one who holds him and keeps him warm, very sweet write...
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:) one of ur best, cap'n
I just love the time on the trree. Every time i read it!
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Thanx!!
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awww. this is so good!!!
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Thank you!!!
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