Power in His Hands

Jonathon Clark Harris looked down at the shell that was once his brother. Hazel eyes staring upward, pink mouth agape; James was dead.1

Jonathon dropped to his knees and glanced at the open wound in James’s stomach, flowing bright red blood. He placed his hand under the hot crimson waterfall, staining his trembling hand.2

The blood was the same blood that pulsed through his own veins, pumped from his own heart. And now it was soaking into the dry earth of Okinawa, Japan.3

“You gotta be careful with your aim, Jonny.”4

Jonathon was eight again, with his eleven-year-old brother standing behind him, adjusting his small hands around the little pistol.5

Out in Arizona, there had always been plenty of deserted areas where the brothers could practice their shooting. On Jonathon’s seventh birthday, James walked him to the same place James and their father had been going for a few years. It had been a “big person” secret; Jonathon had always just watched them leave, carrying guns with smiles on their faces. The day that James left with him instead was one of the happiest days of Jonathon’s life.6

It became the activity they enjoyed together, doing it after school, on weekends, and during any spare time. Other boys played baseball with their brothers, made tree forts, went fishing. The Harris brothers shot tin cans.7

James had eagerly awaited the chance to join the army, to serve his country, to put his skills to good use. The war started shortly after he had enlisted, and he was off to a fort in Moscow.8

Jonathon had been lonely after James left, going out to the desert alone, or sometimes with his father that he had never been very close to. 9

Sure, Jonathon had friends, just none that shared his interest. They mostly talked about football, girls, and other things that rarely occupied Jonathon’s mind.10

Shooting a gun was purely exhilarating for him, sending adrenaline through his veins. But, there was one thing Jonathon didn’t want out of this: he didn’t want to kill. He didn’t want to end a life out of sport, or because he got off on it. Those are reasons that Jonathon suspected James had for being so excited to join the army. 11

But, come his eighteenth birthday, Jonathon joined, as was expected of him. And, as was expected during WWII, Jonathon was promptly sent to Poland.12

War wasn’t like in the movies made it out to be. It wasn’t constant frenzy, screams, bombing. Sure, it happened, just not to Jonathon. He spent most of his time hanging around the fort.13

Then came the day that Jonathon and James met again. In Okinawa, the two divisions were forted right next to each other. It wasn’t a big, emotional moment; men in the army didn’t do that. A hug and hello was as far as they went.14

Jonathon could see that James had changed. Not physically, not at all, but it was in his eyes. Cold and unfeeling, not bright and joyous as they had been nearly four years ago.15

He knew why this had happened. His brother’s eyes had seen things that the old, happy James could never handle witnessing. Jonathon was determined not to let this war change who he was.16

Weeks passed by, with Jonathon trying in vain to lure the brother he once knew out of James. James hadn’t become a mean person; he hadn’t turned evil, like Jonathon had convinced himself men did after they’ve killed, but James had become introverted, when he used to be popular and outgoing, never sitting at home on Friday nights. 17

During every conversation they had, Jonathon was lucky to receive an answer that had more than two words; it was a miracle to see a smile slowly spread across James’s face.18

Then, one fateful day, it was announced: they were invading Okinawa. It was Jonathon’s first battle, and he received some comfort in knowing that it would be happening with his big brother there. 19

It was just like in the movies: total chaos, guns being fired, so much going on that it overwhelmed Jonathon. But, before he had the chance to take part in the action, everything seemed to change into slow motion; he saw the Japanese soldier aim, and Jonathon knew that it was his responsibility to stop him. He aimed himself, but could tell that it was too late; he watched the single bullet soar through the air and hit James square in the stomach. Jonathon saw his brother’s body get thrown backwards from the impact, landing hard onto the ground.20

And Jonathon shot. He shot the enemy that just killed his brother, that just changed his life forever. 21

He didn’t take time to see if he hit him; he was absolutely certain that he did. Jonathon ran over to his brother’s crumpled body. Maybe, just maybe, he was alive; Please God, be alive, James, Jonathon thought as he dropped to the ground.22

But James was dead. The big brother that Jonathon had sometimes fought with, was occasionally jealous of, but had always admired, was dead.23

Before grief could engulf him, Jonathon felt himself become angry. So angry with the men that were taking his family’s lives, his friends’ lives. He was proud of himself for shooting the man that had killed James, but was far from satisfied.24

Jonathon picked up his gun and got up, ready to finish the job, feeling pure power in his hands.25

Author notes

Prompt: i want a picture of life through the eyes of a WWII foot soldier. it can be as a first or third person story, or even as a letter home. surprise me. tell me about how he feels, what goes through his mind, whether he's killed anyone and how it felt to do so. just close your eyes and put yourself in his shoes. have fun!
...
I think of followed it, for the most part....
Oh, and I'm certain that some of my historical facts are far from accurate, but I tried to make it realistic, at least.

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • VioletConcept
    June 22
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    ~This was great structure, how you started it with something to keep you reading, then returned to the memories. Very nice. I liked the story over-all. I would of like to see a little more emotion when James was shot, it would of made it more dramatic... I love dramatic things.

    Goodluck in the contest!
    Vio


  • Dead Beauty
    June 12

    Edit | Reply

    Judge's comment

    Speechless.
    But, hey ho! I must tell you that you are now a finalist because I liked it that much. The emotional response between the two brothers was strong and it was worded greatly.
    Good luck!


  • Mike Driscoll jnr silver member
    April 9
    Edit | Reply
    A very well written story here conveying very well the emotions of the young brother who hadn't been to battle before and the contrasting differences between him and his other brother. I liked how you showed his feelings during the battle too, a very good write.

    Mike


  • MsAlee gold member
    November 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, such a powerful story. The depth of a brother's love and seeing the change in the brother.


  • TNTrouble
    November 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    No long detailed editing comments here...just saying that this story really touched Me and you did a very good job of bringing this situation to life.

  • daftweejimmy gold member
    November 17, 2008

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    This is an interesting attempt to tell the complex story of a couple of brothers, and the theme is a rich one. It has intricacies which are a rich source for emotional exploitation, and you have done your work reasonably well, but this could have been so much better. I feel you do need help, and since that is what you asked for,I've made some detailed notes which I hope will help.

    I really think you can write, which is why I've taken the trouble to be so pedantic here. I don't intend to upset you, just make you think. Choose words with more care, do the research, then the whole thing comes alive. You have the outline of a good story here, but you need to do the preliminary work, OK?

    Para 2. If James was dead, the blood would not be flowing; this is a physiological fact. And unless he was very recently dead of a high fever, the blood would not be hot. Incidentally, it might have been a cataract, but a waterfall is a fall of water.

    Para 3. Unless they were Siamese twins, this paragraph is simply untrue. I know what you mean, but you have to be sure you don't let your imagery carry you away. Brothers do share the DNA and often the same blood group, but not always. It might have SEEMED and FELT like his own heart's blood, but it wasn't actually the same; make sure your metaphors and similes don't stray beyond the realms of fact; this can be confusing.

    Para 7. 1st sentence lose "doing it", unnecessary.

    Para 8. Lack of geography and history here. Why would Americans go to a fort in Moscow? And I suspect they'd have to build it first, since there isn't one there.

    Para 9 This is really shocking English. Why not, "Jonathon had been lonely after James left. He would go to the desert on his own, or occasionally with his father, though they had never been close".

    Para 11. I know that the common parlance is to say "shoot" a gun, but you don't. You FIRE a gun. I may seem pedantic about this, but it's important to be accurate here; you shoot targets! Lose "purely", or make it "pure/sheer exhileration". Third sentence "because he got off on it" is possibly the worst abuse of English yet. I have never had this phrase adequately explained until a friendly English professor explained it was the equivalent of the result of masturbation! It's a dreadful phrase, colloquial bastardisation of the language in the worst possible taste. There must be hundreds of better choices you could have made. The last sentence in the paragraph is so clumsy I find it hard to believe you let it stay. Why not "In this respect, the brothers were so different".

    Para 12. Again, read your history. Poland was overrun in 1939, and remained that way for most of the war. America didn't join the war till 1942, after Pearl Harbour. so why send him to Poland? It's an important detail, and you haven't explained why, in the next paragraph, he spent his time in a fort. Try to distinguish between forts, barracks and garrisons, because forts belong to the medieval times, not WWII.

    Para 14. I want to cry. This isn't merely bad English, it's bad in most respects. We leave Jonathon in Poland, and without any explanation he's in Okinawa. People might be billeted, garrisoned, camped or any of a dozen other verbs, but they sure as hell aren't "forted", which isn't a verb at all, but a neologism of your own. Even if it were possible, did the army build these forts too? Please pay attention to detail; even the very best of stories can be let down by lack of cohesive research and attention to detail.

    Para 15. I don't think you have considered this. In four years, some of which were spent fighting in a foreign country, men are going to change physically. You said he joined up early on, so we can assume he has made the transition from adolescent to adult; are you sure there wouldn't be change? Of course experience is going to change the face and eyes of anyone, especially the kind of things you encounter in war.

    Para 17. I know what you mean about the change, but you tried too hard. After "introverted", why not leave it at that? Or, if you feel it necessary, "not the old outgoing James he had known". I just feel the ending is too wordy and a bit weak.

    Para 20. You describe it as "just like in the movies........But, before he had the chance to take part in the action...". So, what was he doing? Watching? Having a shave? Finishing lunch? If he could see all this going on, he must have been part of it, wouldn't you think? Again, details! And how did everything change into slow motion? if it wasn't a movie, it wouldn't do that. I know it may have seemed, for the moment of the vignette you describe, that everything slowed down, but you must SAY this. Again, on a technical note, bullets used in WWII travelled at around the speed of sound. No human being could see a bullet which moved at that pace; it's far too small an object to pick out. Maybe you have seen too many movies.

    • Rainy.Day.Kisses
      November 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, really, for the compliments, but most of all for the criticism. I rarely recieve that on my stories, and it's really nice to get some and will help me improve. Thanks for taking the time.
      Now for some excuses:
      First of all, I wrote this as an entry for a prompt contest. The deadline was approaching quickly, and I'll admit that I wrote this kind of fast. I also put in my author's notes that I knew that my historical facts were probably not right. I didn't know anything about WWII except the fact that it involved a great deal of countries, and I didn't take the time to research the subject like I should have.
      Para 2. I kind of worried about the blood flow thing when I wrote it. The blood temperature was something I just put there for dramatic imagery The waterfall part was something I probably should have thought more about.
      Para 3. I didn't mean to imply that it was the exact same blood, I just meant that it was family blood. Like it's said that family members have the same blood.
      Para 7. I know, that was just me not proofreading.
      Para 8. Like I said, little research was done.
      Para 9. More stupid lack of proofreading.
      Para 11. Okay, those could have been worded better. "Because he got off on it": honestly, I've never really known what that phrase meant either, I'd just heard it before in a context that made me assume it meant to enjoy or take pleasure in.
      Para 12. Lack of knowledge and research.
      Para 14. Lack of knowledge and research.
      Para 15. That's just something I didn't really think about.
      Para 17. That's something I really didn't notice until you pointed it out, but I see what you mean.
      Para 20. I pretty much wrote the rest of the story in a dramatic fashion, disregarding any common sense I had. When I said "But, before he had the chance to take part in the action...", I just meant that he was kind of standing back, which I know would probably be impossible, but I wanted the character to be unoccupied. And the slow motion thing: I probably have seen too many overdramatic war movies. I just had that image in my head, and that's the best way I could see to portray it in the story. I know it would be impossible to watch a bullet, but I had the slow motion image in my head, so that's just how it went down on paper.
      I'm surprised you didn't point out how unrealistic it was when Jonathon knelt down beside James. On a violent battlefield like the one they were on, it seems to me that it would have been damn near impossible for someone to just sit on the ground right in the middle of it. I mean, what would stop a Japanese soldier from shooting Jonathon then and there?
      I really didn't mean to write this big long reply trying to explain myself. I understand that a lot of what you pointed out was just carelessness. When I wrote this, I was 1)In a hurry, 2)Assuming that most people who would read it would not be very knowledegeable on WWII, and focus on the actual story, not historical facts.
      So, I'm definitely going to try and clean this up the best I can, and thank you for taking the time to give me some helpful feedback.


  • urbanronin88
    November 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    it was really good. It was gripping and compelling.

  • Rainy.Day.Kisses
    November 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I actually had a lot of fun writing this, more than I thought I would. I was challenged, as I've never written anything involving war, or anything set in historical times for that matter. It was really very interesting to write, thanks for the prompt!


  • Ssmm silver member
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    excellent. you stuck to the prompt like glue to duct tape on a centrifuge. in well, done. really, this is the whole purpose of this contest: to draw out amazing authors like yourself, and force you to push your limits and become even better. well done indeed. but now for the important questions: did you have fun? and were you challenged?

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