Lionel

Lionel awoke to his mother's smiling face, her hair a fading brown and her eyes a grayish blue. She was carrying a large, rusty bucket so that meant it was feeding time. He pushed himself up into a sitting position on his bed of straw, and began scratching his arms, legs, and other parts of his body since they itched severely. His entire body ached as well, and it hurt greatly every time he moved.1

"Mother, when will the pain and itching go away?," he said, his lower lip quivering, "and when will I be able to leave the barn?" He was tired of the constant aching and his skin hurt from the constant scratching. It all started when his mother fed him her special stew, and told him he'd have to remain in the barn until she said he was allowed to leave. Tears swelled up in his eyes, wishing for all of this to end.2

"Do not worry, sweetie," she said in a motherly voice full of sympathy for her child, "It will not be much longer. Now, I have brought you more of my special stew, so open up." She took out a large ladle and scooped up some of the thick, red stew that she had cooked for him. Large chunks inhabited the crimson sauce. Lionel opened his mouth slowly, and his mother poured it into his mouth. He swallowed the soup and licked his lips. He opened up for her again as she poured another ladle full of soup down his throat. She did this until the bucket was empty. She placed a hand on his cheek, and smiled. "I love you very much, Lionel. I will be back at night with more soup, so rest up, and make sure not to scratch, it only makes it worse."3

"Please don't go, Mother," Lionel said as tears rolled down his cheeks, "I'm so very lonely, and I have no one to play with."4

"But what about Patches, dear?"5

"Patches barked too much, and after playing with him, he stopped moving. Please, Mother, can't you play with me?" Lionel held out his arms to her, crying softly. He hadn't seen any of the other children since he began eating the soup his mother made for him.6

"Lionel, soon," she said as she wiped away a few of his tears, "soon, you will have many new friends to play with. I promise." Lionel smiled, knowing that his mother had never broken any of her promises before. He lay back down onto the bed of straw, and curled up, slowly dozing off to sleep. He dreamt of the fun he would have with the new friends he would make. He only wished that it would come soon, like his mother said. He awoke to his mother once again, who had another bucket filled with her soup. He sat up, and opened his mouth as she fed him. The bucket was empty shortly, and Lionel licked his lips. He had grown fond of the taste of his mother's soup. He remembered when she first fed it to him. It tasted horrible, and he almost puked, but after daily helpings, the taste grew on him.7

"Mother, why is it that you feed me this soup?"8

"So that you can be big and strong so that you can play with your new friends from the town for as long as you want."9

"But I thought that the townspeople hated us?"10

"That is also why I am feeding you this soup. They will like you a lot more. They will scream for joy when they see you, and will move around a lot in hopes that you will play with them."11

"Really, Mother? Did they say that themselves?" Lionel became anxious with glee, and shook in anticipation, ignoring the pain that his body felt with each movement he made.12

"Yes they did. Now go to sleep. I'll wake you in the morning." She kissed his cheek and grabbed the bucket, walking inside. Lionel smiled, and giggled with glee. He was very anxious, and couldn't wait. It was going to be great fun. Many thoughts of games entered his mind as he fell asleep, curling up against the hay.13

Lionel was awakened by the nudging of his mother's hand. He assumed it was going to be feeding time again, but when he sat up, he felt no pain. His skin had stopped itching as well. Lionel squealed with glee as he jumped to his feet. He felt better than ever.14

"I see you’re ready to play," his mother laughed," I told you it was going to be soon, didn't I?" Lionel nodded and stretched his arms and legs, relishing his pain-free existence.15

"Now it is time to play with the townspeople, who so anxiously await your arrival." She walked outside and opened up the barn door, allowing the light of the sun to brighten the room, and the cool breeze of autumn to rush throughout the barn. Lionel slowly stepped out into the sunlight, squinting his eyes as he looked about, admiring the beauty of the outside world, which he had not seen for so long. The air was cool, but comforting, and so very refreshing.16

"Down that dirt road, Lionel," his mother said as she pointed towards it, "is where you'll find the town and all its people. Go, my son, and play to your heart's content." Lionel kissed his mother's cheek and ran off, rushing to meet his new friends that awaited him.17

The townspeople went about their business as usual. They socialized happily with each other, laughing and joking about. They talked of things that had happened the night before, and all seemed peaceful to them. A scream shattered the peace of the town, as people stared in horror at what was approaching them from the dirt path that led up to the old witch's house they had driven out many years ago. A massive beast, resembling that of a demonic frog, bound towards them, laughing. Its red eyes scanned the area, and it leapt towards a group of children, crushing a few beneath its scaly, black feet. Its claws dug into the ground below as one of its long arms swiped up a little girl.18

"Play with me," the horrifying monster said in a distorted voice that still had a childish tone to it. She screamed, crying; yet this only fueled his childish desires. He squeezed, her ribs cracking under the pressure. She spit up blood, and soon fell limp. He tossed her aside and went to play with the other townspeople, his large feet constantly crushing any unlucky people that happened to be in his way. He continued his adventures with the people of the small town, until no one was left who had the energy to play with him. He sighed, disappointed that there was no one left willing to play with him, his charcoal body dripping with blood.19

I plan to rewrite this at some point but when I do, what improvements should be made?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments


  • dark-fantasies
    November 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well I liked the beginning of this, but the ending disappointed me a little. The soup thing was definetly creepy as the descriptions were just right and didn't give too much away, so that the reader's left to imagine what it could actually be. The idea of a large frog doesn't particularly scare me though, and I was kind of hoping the boy would turn into something more sinister and horrifying than that.

    As for improvements, I think more detail to everything would've set the scene better. Also, you tend to tell what's happening in the story instead of showing it. Maybe if you incorporate your character's other senses such as smell, touch, taste etc you might be able to achieve this and succeed in transporting your readers to the moment of the story.

    The bit about the frog creature bounding towards the town could've been described more, because descriptions and emotions are what makes a piece a horror. Also, I think it has potential to be more gory, but that's your choice I guess. I just think it would've had more of an impact if there was something to shock readers.

    Other than those things I thought the idea behind this was really good. There wasn't a backstory, so it makes me wonder about the witch and boy characters a lot, but if that was intentional then you did a great job.