Memory: Lost and Found

“Lynx, it’s me…”1

Out of my predictions, he aimed his deadly weapon towards me. His face showed no signs that he recognized me at all. I could hear the laser gun on his hands wheezing, recharging to its maximum power. My feet could only stay where they were while I kept on staring at him with utter disbelief. Again, I tried to call him and make him see that it was me who was standing before his eyes. I hadn’t been gone for that long, had I?2

“Lynx…”3

Instead of getting the reaction I was trying to provoke, my word seemed to be taken equal as ‘fire!’ I seriously thought that it was the end of my life, the life I now realized I had been wasting for nothing but my own vanity. This was not how my life was supposed to end! And in that very brief moment, I regretted most of the decisions I had made in life except for one – marrying Lynx.4

“Hmm… I never know that the toughest astronaut in Alpha Cepheus Central Station feels so damn good under my body.”5

A man, well-built and unquestionably huge comparing to my size, put all of his weight on me. His broad shoulders sheltered my eyes from the luminous lights on the bright white ceiling of the room and he was like a demonic shadow looming above its helpless prey. Though I had a little difficulty to see him clearly, I could tell that his complexion was rather dark and he was handsome. I really did believe that the haughty expression he was giving me – one eyebrow lifted, an interested gape, and a charming smile – would conquer any woman instantly. But I was not any woman.6

I could hardly breathe with that giant on top of me, yet I managed to let out a threat. “Well, I guess you’d better enjoy it ‘cause your grave won’t feel so damn good!”7

His friends who were standing around both of us laughed. I had just arrived in Alpha Cepheus-8XQ half an hour ago and they had already made me feel at home. I was only walking around, checking out the cafeteria when suddenly I heard someone yelled my way cheerfully, “My Dear Wife, welcome home!” And before I was able to realize a thing, the baboon leaped from his metal chair and knocked me down with his muscular body, my back was flat on the cafeteria’s floor. I had expected that they would toss such pranks at me, especially because I was the only female astronaut placed on the most dangerous frontier. Those cocky creatures that called themselves men had been in the solid team for years, and of course no woman was ever included. However, I did not get the position and reputation without any efforts. I had been crawling my way up like hell and I would not let them underestimate me just because I happened to be in different gender.8

“Thanks for the invitation,” he said, his smile widened. “But I don’t usually need any.” With that he laid a hard kiss on my mouth. His large hands were on both sides of my head, forcing me to face him and making sure that my lips could not escape his.9

I struggled arduously beneath him, but he was too powerful for me to fight. And despite my denial, the kiss was not that bad. For a minute, I relaxed and stopped struggling. When he thought that I was surrendering or indulging or such, he loosened his grip and became a gentler kisser. But within the flash of the moment, I regained my logic and took the chance of striking his nose as mighty as I could.10

He moved away from me at once. He never saw it coming, had never guessed either. Yeah, since every woman would not reply his kiss with a punch I supposed. But like I said, I was not every woman.11

“Geez, what’d you do that for?” he said – still could not believe that he was just got punched by the woman he harassed earlier – while one of his hands was on his nose, covering the blood that he shed. “I was just joking around with you. You don’t have to take it so damn serious.”12

Again, his fellows laughed. This time, out loud.13

Without any more words, I helped myself to stand up and started to reach for the big brown bag that was thrown aside from my shoulder the moment I was struck down.14

I was prepared to face any troubles I would get myself into because of the incident. I had just lit up the torch of war. Though I kept telling myself that I did not care and that I would be able to overcome all troubles they would hand me, I was trembling inside for deep down I knew that they were not my match at all.15

That was why I was not ready when the man I hit said, “Welcome aboard, Lieutenant.” Then, he wiped out the last drop of blood from his nose. “Strong hands you got there,” he commented, smiling. “See you at the meeting tomorrow 800 sharp.”16

I was not really catching what he meant. It took one of his fellowmen to whisper to my ears, telling me that I just hit the captain, to comprehend the whole situation which was not getting better according to my perspective. How could it not be? I broke my captain’s nose, which meant the nose of my superior. On my first day!17

But honestly, it could never be better…18

Every time I imagined what it would be like if I had met Lynx in a different way, I could never think of any better way. It was just as if things were already flowing perfectly. How many couples in the world that had a kiss for introduction instead of shaking hands? It was as if we were already meant to be. Every crew of Alpha Cepheus-8XQ had predicted our love story from that day. He liked me. Even from the very beginning, I felt he was interested in me. I could not tell how I knew, I just felt it. He did not look at me like others did.19

That’s why I could not believe that he was trying to eliminate me with that lethal weapon on his hands. But he was. The radiant laser light almost blinded my eyes, yet half a second before it really burned me to ashes, somebody snatched me away. While I was carried speedily by my rescuer who wore a pair of rocketed shoes – Hermes’s slippers – I still refused to believe that Lynx, my Lynx, was firing restlessly at us, as if he would not stop until we were really vanquished.20

Beyond my control, the tears ran down my cheeks.21

What had happened while I was away? Why was the world not the same as the one I left a year ago? I did not risk my life to return to this unknown world. I had fought relentlessly to come home, but this was not home. This was the worst nightmare I had come to live through.22

As though I had spoken up my mind out loud, the rescuer said, “Lots of things change since you left.” The compact helmet with thick dark glass that was covering his whole face made me unable to hear his words clearly and I needed few seconds to guess and comprehend what he was saying to me.23

“W-what happened?”24

At that, he did not answer, convincing me that things might be worse than I had expected before.25

“Who…”26

This time, I did not need to finish my question to get his answer. “It’s Buck, Aria.” 27

“Buck!” I exclaimed. Oh, how I felt so thankful to find someone I knew that knew me too. Never had I thought I would be extremely glad to hear his name and my name coming out from his mouth. “What…”28

“Deta’ll explain everything,” he cut off my words. “But now, I need you to trust me.”29

Buck did not wait for my affirmation. Without letting go of his arm around my waist, he handed me a small laser hand-gun. “Shoot him!”30

“What? No!”31

“Aria, shoot him!” There was no humor in Buck’s voice and I knew he meant what he said. He seriously asked me to shoot his best friend for life, my own husband… “Shoot him, Aria, or we’ll die before you know it!”32

“It’s Lynx, Buck!” I yelled emotionally, did not how to react toward his order. Yes, it was Lynx. Though he was close behind us, chasing and firing us like we were some kind of enemies that had to be destroyed, he was still Lynx. “How on earth can you ever expect me to do it?”33

“I’ve no time to argue with you! Trust me and just do it!”34

“No! I can’t and I won’t!”35

Buck took us flying higher and faster to avoid Lynx’s attack, but he could keep up in no time. “We don’t have enough fuel, do it now!”36

I shook my head stubbornly. “No, Buck!”37

Running out of his patience, Buck grabbed the gun he handed me earlier, turned his body facing Lynx and shot him cold-bloodedly.38

My eyes widened in terror as I watched what happened. “Nooo!” My hands were scratching desperately in the midnight air, hoping that he was not that far for me to catch. Lynx was shot and was falling to the ground real fast. I cried and yelled for him.39

Buck was losing his balance. And while he tried to regain his control over the Hermes’s slippers he was using, I was busy toiling to be free from his arms. “Let me go!” I screamed hysterically. “What have you done? Let me go, Buck!”40

Buck’s efforts did not give off any worthy result. I was impossible to handle and the fuel had also run out. We lost our altitude and crashed onto a broken bridge around twenty feet below.41

Few hours after I was taken into safety, I woke up in panic. I was expecting to see my beloved husband, staring at me lovingly and smiling funnily, by the edge of the bed I was lying upon. I was expecting to see him laugh at my fears and then say that everything I thought I had experienced was nothing but bad bad dreams. I knew I would cheerfully laugh if he was to tell me that I was being paranoid. But he wasn’t there… Instead, I saw the figure of a young woman I knew too well. Deta. 42

She moved closer to my side once I opened my eyes. Her beautiful face did not look radiant and the soft look in her eyes was sorrowful.43

It’s not a bad bad dream. It’s real.44

I burst in tears instantly. She did not say a word and held me sympathetically. My arms were clinging around her shoulders while I was sobbing excruciatingly. She had never seen me cry, maybe that was one of the reasons she became speechless. I knew she never thought that I could be broken, after all ‘unbreakable’ was my nickname in the whole Alpha Cepheus. I was the best female astronaut ever, and there were never many numbers of men who could keep up with my achievement. Yet, now I was as fragile as any woman, crying for the lost of her husband.45

“What’s happening?” I asked between the pauses of my sobbing. “Have I lost my mind?”46

I could feel Deta shaking her head. While lovingly stroking my unkempt hair, she whispered, “No, you haven’t. Some facts are just too hard to perceive.”47

“Lynx…”48

“Don’t torture yourself, Aria,” she said, half-begging. She let go of her caress, held my face tenderly with her soft hands, and wiped my tears. “Though we all hope for your safe return, Buck and I were half-wishing that you would never come back. Everything’s just so awful.”49

“What’s happening to Lynx?” I demanded. “Why didn’t he recognize me?”50

“What happened to him happens to everyone. Our memories are erased and we’re nothing but robots…”51

I cut her words abruptly, “No, it doesn’t! It doesn’t happen to you or Buck.”52

“We’re the only ones, Aria! And don’t you dare thinking that we like it!”53

“But Lynx…”54

Again, she avoided the talk about Lynx. “What you are about to hear will not be pleasant. You don’t have to believe it, but you just got to accept it.” She looked straight into my eyes, emphasizing how serious the matter was. “Do you still remember the last day you left Earth?”55

I nodded. “I had a real big fight with Lynx because of it.”56

Deta closed her eyes as I mentioned my husband. She was not avoiding him because of me, she was avoiding him because of herself. I could feel it. “Okay, okay. Do you still remember what all the crews were discussing at the base when you were leaving?”57

Instead of answering her question, I asked her back, “Why do you despise Lynx so much, Deta?”58

“I don’t!” After a pause, Deta continued with softer voice, “Aria, I’d appreciate it if you stop mentioning him for a while. Now, do you remember what we were discussing?”59

I forced my mind to recall every detail of what happened on my last day before my departure. Every single thing that I could remember. “About the madman who escaped from the prison? W-what was his name?... Randall or…”60

“Yes, yes, Ramgall. He’s not just crazy, he’s genius and heartless.”61

“Still I don’t see what he’s got to do with Lynx.”62

“He’s got everything to do with all of this mess! He murdered our government! All of them together with every member of their families. None was left. He changed everything, Aria, and you’ll be surprised to see how many people shared his psychotic idealism.”63

“I don’t care if he wants to rule the world, Deta! He can have all the powers that he wants. I just want my husband back!”64

Deta, losing her patience towards my stubbornness, snapped back at me, “Well, you can’t!” Her words silenced me and I sensed a little regret in her. “Look, Aria, nothing is the same anymore. And we can’t reverse what’s done.”65

“I don’t understand…” Again I wept, knowing that I would never be able to live my life with Lynx anymore. “Even if he shared the same idealism, he would still recognize me, wouldn’t he?”66

Deta squeezed my trembling shoulder. She must have felt really sorry for me. And for once, I did not care if anyone pitied me. My grand pride was torn apart the moment I lost my husband.67

While I cried on her shoulders, Deta continued her story. “Lynx could not care less about this madman. But you know how excellent his records were, and so this madman wanted him very badly…”68

“No one can force him to do what he doesn’t want to, Deta. We both know it…”69

“True, but then, we lost contact with your spaceship and heard nothing for months. Ramgall offered to erase his memories. Buck and I could not blame him for joining voluntarily. It was too unbearable for him, you know? – Losing you.”70

I clasped my fists so strongly until my nails hurt my palms, trying to chase away the pain I was fighting inside my heart. I should’ve stayed!71

Never would I have the chance to alter the fight that we had that day now. We were already married for over than two years when that prestigious mission was announced. We were planning on retiring from field operations and do the desk job instead because he had been wanting to start a family. He wanted children, the wish I had approved several weeks before. But then, the mission called us. Investigating the Black Hole with a group of chosen astronauts was certainly the offer I could not resist. I still remember the argument I used to defend my personal ambition, “Come on, Lynx, just one more mission before we retire. Our last mission together.”72

“You said that a lot, Aria,” he disagreed. “But you and I know it won’t be your last.” 73

“No, this time is the last, I promise. We can always have children when we get back later. Please, Lynx… You know how much this mission means to me.”74

Lynx nodded while he took a deep breath. I knew that he understood how much it meant to me. He knew how badly I needed to prove myself to my father, the man who wanted a son and yet, got me instead. All of my life I had been trying so hard to be the best astronaut like he had always wanted his ‘son’ to become, the achievement he had never got a chance to reach since he lost both of his legs on a dangerous mission. Black Hole was his greatest obsession, and after his death, it had soon become mine too.75

“You’ve exceeded your father’s expectations,” he finally spoke. He framed my face with both of his big warm hands. “You’re one of the best astronauts we have. Even if you’re born a man, you couldn’t be better. And I’m so damn sure that he’s so damn proud of you. What else do you need to prove?”76

“Please, Lynx, just this once… I…”77

His bitter smile stopped me from saying more. He ran his fingers through my short brown hair. “Yeah, okay…”78

I felt so very happy at his remark. “I knew you’d understand! I…”79

He put his right thumb on my lips, asking me to be quiet without having to say it. His dark eyes gazed deeply into mine and I could not guess the expression on his face. It was like the combination of love, amazement and sorrow. The only problem was I did not know which one was dominating. So, I just stood there, staring back at him with obvious confusion.80

He then lowered his head and kissed me gently on the lips. I closed my eyes as I tasted the tenderness he was offering me. When he ended his kiss, my arms clung onto his neck, pulling his head closer, but before I could kiss him again, he whispered sadly on my lips. “I love you so damn much, Aria, more than you can ever know. But I can never be your space.” I could feel that he was hurting when he said those words, and with that, he left me.81

I waited at home for him that whole night, but he did not return. I waited at the launching zone for him the next day, but he never showed up. Another astronaut took his place. That day, I did not just leave Earth, I also left my husband and our dream of having a family. I left all for the glory and self-recognition. Oh, how I regretted my selfish decision…82

“Well, what he didn’t know was that Ramgall planted another memory to replace his lost ones, the one that made him vicious and merciless... He…” Deta paused for quite some time and decided to continue from another part. “I was lucky as I was pregnant at that time. He didn’t need me, but Buck… he had to pretend for weeks that he had been brainwashed. However, on the day I was delivering my baby, he escaped to be by my side, and his cover was blown. Ramgall assigned his best soldier to eliminate our baby and take us back to finish our reprogramming. We…”83

“It was Lynx, wasn’t it?” I said before she could finish up her sentence. “He killed your baby. That’s why you despise him so much…”84

Deta could not help but nod.85

“I am so sorry, Deta. I am so very sorry…”86

“He’s not himself, Aria. I know I can’t blame him, but her small body was scattered right before my eyes. And I don’t think I could ever forget it.”87

“I want to see his body, Deta. Where does Buck keep him?” I said, suddenly felt new strength was seeping into my body. No matter what happened, I was determined to see him once more. “I need to see him, please…”88

Deta turned her face from me. “Buck shot him on the leg. Even if his mind was not him anymore, it was still Lynx, and Buck didn’t have the heart to kill him.”89

I grabbed her arms promptly. “Lynx’s alive?”90

Deta’s silence answered my rhetorical question.91

“Take me to him!”92

“Don’t be mad! You know you’ll be dead.”93

“What makes you think that I am not? He’s my life, Deta.”94

Deta paused for a minute before she uttered a condition, “You must help us kill Ramgall first.”95

And so that was how my struggle began. I had never had any intention to save the world like what Deta and Buck were trying to do. I had never had any urge to fight the wickeds for the sake of virtue. I had never cared for any of those. I just wanted to get my life back. I guessed every one would be surprised with what a desperate woman was willing and able to do for her love. And they would be extra-aghast with the result.96

Reaching Ramgall was absolutely the most difficult task I had ever done. He was almost untouchable in his own nest and surrounded by his sophisticated security, not to mention the very well-trained guards who took care of his safety all the time. The only chance that I could take was when he urinated in the toilet alone.97

I, who had been hiding in the circulation above the toilet with the help from Deta and Buck, jumped down at once. I would not waste any more minute to take his life. He was my one way ticket to my meet my husband, I had to kill him, I may not fail.98

I thought that I would use my knife because I was planning on a short-distant strike. But just before I was able to grab him into my arms, he took out his dagger hidden from beneath his long black coat and he stabbed me instead. I felt the cold thick metal pressed against my chest, slicing my skin and when it made its way through my flesh, I could not help but screamed in pain. I tried not to let my voice out, but I did not have enough strength to bear the ache silently. I could feel the sharp sides of his dagger cut open my left chest, but he was avoiding my heart. He did not want to kill me, at least not yet.99

“Who sent you to kill me?” he yelled with his hands still firmly placed around the dagger’s handle.100

It was difficult for me to concentrate on his words while most of my consciousness was focused on the pain I had on my chest. I was sweating all over my body and my heart was pumping so fast that it was almost impossible for me to breathe, not to mention the woolen black mask I was wearing to cover my face seemed to block out the air. The front part of my black costume was sopping wet with blood. Though I could not see it – since my clothes were too dark of a color – I could still smell it. You could always recognize the smell of blood, especially if it was your own. The sharp smell would attack your nostrils and force you to shiver with fear as death was coming closer. When I did not come to answer, he got angry and plunged the dagger deeper before he twisted it mercilessly. I could feel it wrecking my internal organs. Again I cried out. Then, my body seemed to lose its power. My knife slipped away from my fingers and I fell on my knees onto the wet floor, too weak to fight, yet too proud to give in.101

“Who sent you, you bastard?” he repeated more rudely.102

“I work alone!” I yelled at his face.103

“Liar!” That was the word I heard before I felt fast and hard slaps on both of my cheeks. Then another twist of the dagger.104

Out of my willingness, I started to whimper. This man surely knew what he was doing and he was great at it. He could easily tear up my heart and kill me with his dagger, but I thought that he loved torturing me more. “I said I work alone!”105

“Wrong answer!” With that he made another twist with his dagger. My blood was pouring like rain onto his hand, coloring it with crimson red.106

I wailed inevitably. All my life I had always hated crying and screaming, but right now, I had no power whatsoever to stop myself from doing them both. I started to feel that I was as ordinary as any woman, as weak as any woman, and as desperate as any woman…107

Yes, I was so desperate to meet my husband one more time – with the risk that he would not recognize me and would definitely reject me if not kill me – that I was willing to do this crazy and dangerous task. And because of that, I could not fail! I gathered all of my strength to my hands so that I could grab his hand holding the dagger. I squeezed his hand until it was locked inside my hands. I was hurting myself, but I did not want to care about the pain, my mind was focused on my Lynx, my one and only Lynx.108

Ramgall was struggling to pull his hand from me, but I managed to keep it still. His other hand reached for my woolen mask. I did not try to avoid his hand, the mask felt too hot for me anyway. Finally, though I was screaming like hell and crying like a whiny, I pulled out the dagger from my chest. Never had I thought that the dagger was full of ragged edges and had so much length. I could feel it ripping my tissue on its way out, dragging little pieces of my flesh with it. The pain seemed endless.109

The dagger was pulled out at the exact same time the mask left my face. He dropped my mask, too surprised to see me to do anything. I could not tell whether he saw me as a living ghost or that he could not believe that his attacker was merely a woman. But I was way up too desperate to think. So, when he stepped closer as his right hand tried to reach out for me, I shoved him to the nearest wall with my own body. This time, I was not sure why, he did not struggle. His eyes stared at me with the look I would not be able to forget. His eyes, though they were dark, did not appear like a man who would do such crimes. There were sincerity and love within his eyes. I felt a little doubt inside my heart, but there was nothing trustable anymore, so I stopped thinking and maintained my focus on killing him and meeting Lynx. He was going to hold my face, rising up his right hand to my left cheek, but before his fingertips could touch my skin, I thrust the dagger into his throat. Both of us froze in astonishment. He did not see that coming from me. And I did not believe what I had just done. I had never killed a man before and though he was a villain, he was still a man. But it did happen. It was real. It was the end of Ramgall the psychopath who turned the world upside down. I should have felt glad, yet oh, his eyes… his eyes…110

“You’re so predictable, Aria.”111

My eyelids felt so heavy to lift and my sight was so blur that I could not see clearly who was speaking to me. The voice was echoing inside my head, but I could not figure out who the person was. It was somebody I was familiar with, still I did not know. I could not tell how long I passed out or whether what happened in these last few days was merely a dream. Slowly, I regained my consciousness and the piercing pain came back. I lifted my head from the wet and sticky floor. Blood was everywhere, on my face, all over my body. Somehow, I did not want to know whose was that. I tried and tried to ignore the pain so I could get up. There was nothing I wanted more in that moment than to get away from the puddle of fresh yet cold blood.112

A pair of hands helped me up and soon I was able to re-recognize everything. I was still inside the dim toilet whose water I had changed into blood. And the man, Ramgall, the one that I killed was at the corner, sat lifelessly with his own dagger nested in his throat. Again and again, this nightmare was not a dream.113

With a faint voice, I said, “W-what did you say, Deta?”114

Deta, after she finished helping me to get up, answered lightly, “I said you’re just so predictable.” 115

“We… we got to get out of here immediately, his bodyguards will come soon and and…”116

Deta held my face gently and stopped me from saying more. “Aria, it’s okay. We’ve taken care of it, Buck and I. It’s over.”117

“It’s over?” I repeated. “It’s really over?” I did not know how I should feel. The nightmare was too eerie to end so easily and fast like this. But if it was over, I would be the most joyful person on earth. Yet, somehow, I did not feel that it was over, something was not right. “Lynx… Where’s Lynx?”118

Deta smiled. “Let’s take care of your wounds first,” she said while putting her arm around my shoulder, leading me out.119

Right before we reached the toilet door, I halted. “No,” I said firmly. “Where’s Lynx? I’ve killed Ramgall, and now I want my Lynx.”120

Again Deta smiled. 121

Something is obviously not right!122

“Where is he?” I yelled. “Tell me where he is or…”123

Deta’s forefinger touched my lips and then she started pointing to every direction in the room. When I looked confused, she laughed. It was the most horrifying laughter I had ever heard as if I knew already what was waiting for me behind her amusement.124

“Hmm… let’s see… Lynx, Lynx, Lynx…” She began to act like someone who was thinking so hard. “Well, Aria, I believe you’ve left him for your own ambition. He was nothing compared to your Black Hole, wasn’t he? Such a good commodity to waste…”125

“Shut up!” I screamed as I threw away her arm from my shoulder. I did not need a reminder to point out my mistakes. She really infuriated me with her words. “Just tell me where the hell he is, Deta!”126

“Do you really think I would spare his life after he killed my baby?”127

My eyes widened and my tongue was numb. I stared at her for a few seconds without blinking. How could she lie to me? She was my best friend or that was what I thought she was. “Lynx… Lynx’s dead?” I could even barely say those words together, ‘Lynx’ and ‘dead’. My body shivered with indescribable grieve and untamed fury. “You killed him?” I asked bitterly.128

“Me? Oh, don’t flatter me that much, Aria, I don’t have enough ability to kill him. Don’t worry, I’ll give all the credits to you.”129

Instantly I ran from her towards the corner of the toilet, where Ramgall was situated. No! This was not happening! This was not happening! This was not happening…130

I held his powerless head up so I could see him better. My fingers falteringly removed his hair from his face. He was not Lynx… but wait, his face looked familiar. I’d seen him somewhere. Suddenly, I felt as if my head was hammered by a steel bar. I stopped thinking for a while and the pain gradually disappeared. But when I again tried to recall my memory of that man, the pain was doubled. For a moment I thought my head would explode, but pain had been my loyal companion for the last few hours, so I forced my mind to identify the man in front of me disregarding the pain that mercilessly and continuously stroke my brain. I had to know!131

He… he… I could see him caressing my waist and we were dancing the whole night through. I could see him kneeling before me, offering a simple yet beautiful diamond ring before I jumped excitedly and kissed him. I could see him gently making love to me. I could see him looming above me while my back was flat on the cafeteria’s floor… Lynx!132

No! How could it be? How could I not recognize him? Oh, my God! What have I done?133

“Lynx…” I whispered. “Lynx… I’m so sorry…”134

I could not hold back my tears any longer. I pull his head to my bleeding chest and I could not stop kissing his cold forehead. No other pain was as torturing as the one that I was feeling inside. I love him so very much and the thought of losing him really drove me out of my mind, not to mention that I was the one who snatched him away from myself. “I love you, Lynx… I love you… Please don’t leave me…”135

Deta walked towards me. “Do you really recognize him now or you just guess from what I told you?” she asked emotionlessly.136

I stopped sobbing, but answered nothing.137

“Lynx, you, even Buck… you all are just the same. You have no minds set on greater future. All you can think of is just family. I thought you had ambition, Aria, but this Lynx thing makes you no different from other weak women.” 138

I kept my silence while my anger flamed stronger and hotter.139

“I don’t care if he wants to rule the world, Deta! I just want my husband back!” she said, imitating the way I talked. “Phew, what was that all about?”140

“Say no more,” I said slowly with low, threatening voice.141

Deta laughed. “You know, he never allows any assailant to be that close to him ever since the chaos, and he would have killed you in a second if only you were not you, his beloved wife: Aria.” 142

I could feel the flame rising up to my eyes as I stared at her. “He’d never forgotten about me, had he? I who forgot about him. I who was brainwashed.”143

“Now, now, don’t get bitter,” she said as if she was trying to cheer a girl who had just lost her doll. “We only succeeded to change the appearances of some characters inside your memory since you were so resistant. The rests are still in your head, darling.”144

“Why?” It was the only question I could ask her.145

“Oh, I didn’t lie about everything, Aria. He did kill my baby, Ramgall’s baby. We could have had it with us today if he did not spoil things up. He was on our way. He would not stop fighting us and yeah, we all know his records. No one can force him to do what he doesn’t want to. That’s why, you’re just like a heaven-sent. When we found you inside your crashed aircraft, finally returned to Earth and still breathing, we knew our chance to eliminate Lynx had come. He’d kill anyone, but you... he’d die for you.”146

“You used me,” I said, pledging inside my heart that what Deta did was forever beyond my forgiveness. “To kill my own husband.”147

“Killing your own husband is not that hard, Aria. Believe me, I know.”148

Buck had died in that wicked woman’s hands also… What a painful way to die. The same painful way my Lynx had died. The thought intoxicated me more than any horrible guilt I had ever felt.149

The toilet door was open. A man walked inside. I did not understand. It was Buck!150

“Aria, I want you to meet Ramgall,” Deta said animatedly just like a teenager who was introducing her new boyfriend to her best friend.151

Of course, I should have known… My memory was not completely false, but it was not reliable. They had changed the characters, making me unable to distinguish a person from another. 152

I knew I could not rely on my mind anymore, but my love story was as real as our marriage. They were all real. My love and his love were real because I felt them in my heart, not in my brain. Once more I kissed my husband. His lips already froze, but I kissed him long as if I was trying to breathe him my life. Oh, but he was gone. Nothing could bring him back now. Nothing could erase my pain also. Nothing… 153

“Aria,” I heard Ramgall called me. “I can release you from the pain. Join us and I’ll erase your memories, every single one of them.”154

I had to admit that it was a very tempting offer. It was too unbearable for me, you know? – Losing Lynx. So, after I kissed him, I pulled out the dagger from his throat.155

“How generous of you to offer me such,” I said lightly. Then, with a strong look I gave straight toward their eyes, I continued, “But memories mean nothing for the pain I feel does not lie in my brain.” This time, I had to make the right decision. I put the sharp point of the dagger against my pounding heart. “It’s in here.” With that I plunged the dagger deeply into my chest, tore my heart out and stopped it from beating.156