A pale hallway with a marble floor, the idle sounds of footsteps tapping down it, and polished shoes, a fine black suit, rippling muscles, neat red hair, and a face of the same colour, this was R.A I.N’s Director. Although having his career start off in the British SAS, he was going to head to the British Intelligence agency, but was offered a much better deal from the CIA. After 10 years with them, he was asked to replace R.A I.N’s Director. He accepted, and, on his way there, found Izzy and had her join. James wearily eyed the Director,1
“Hello Charlie” he said,2
“Don’t ‘Charlie’ me here James, you will call me Sir, or Director Charlie! Now, how come I am hearing about three of our best Operatives gone missing, and then they partially infiltrate the Demingwood Research Centre?” Charlie asked, the vein in his neck was popping out,3
“It is a Final Unity stronghold, I was just trying to find out more about the-“ 4
“Bullshit you were, you were there hunting for Sarah! I know you as well as your parents did, I know you even better than they did” he said, watching James look at the floor,5
“Aw, back offa him chief, you know those two were best friends, they did everything together” Jack said defensively,6
“Shut up O’Donnell!” Charlie growled, he turned a little sympathetic.7
“Hey, look, I know you miss her, and believe me, if I could I’d help, but that was her job, she knew what risks she had to take…”8
“Don’t you think I knew that….”9
“What’d you say?”10
“DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!?” James yelled, “I KNEW IT WAS A GODDAMN RISK, AND I HAD TO WATCH HER GET BEATEN AND TAKEN AWAY!” he collapsed onto the floor, hitting it hard with his fists “And I don’t know where she is…” he whispered, breaking down crying, Charlie looked at Jack and Izzy,11
“Take him to his room, let him sleep it off, I have an operation for him tomorrow” he said, they nodded and picked him up, walking him to his room. 12
After telling him sorry and goodnight, Jack and Izzy left him be to go to their rooms. He lay on the bed sobbing; he really missed her, she was someone he could really open up to. He lay there thinking about her, and soon fell asleep. He found himself in a dream which resembled a flashback of when Sarah first moved in; she had put her bags on the other side of the room and sat on her bed.13
“Well, James, looks like I’ll be staying with you for a while…” 14
“Y-yeah, I guess you will”15
“Something wrong? You sound nervous” she asked, he looked at her surprised,16
“Hm? No, no, I’m not nervous; it’ll be good having a roommate” he said, she nodded and looked down at his feet,17
“Is that an instrument?” she said, he looked at his feet and saw the end of it poking out from under the bed,18
“Yeah, it is”19
“Violin, right? Do ya play?” she said, James was a little shocked, he had never been asked that. Back when he was at school, he was picked on by everyone because he had chosen violin. Even the piano players did, because they didn’t just play something soft,20
“Uh, yeah, I…uh…I used to a lot, but…I was bullied about it frequently” he said, “So I stopped”, she smiled at him21
“Well, I like soft music, come on, play for me,”22
“You serious?” he said, he became a little lost in that smile, it was so warm, and pretty, he blinked and snapped out of it23
“Nah, I wanted you to so I could bag you out,” she said sarcastically, “Come on, play”24
“Alright…” he said sighing, and he put the case on his bed and grabbed the violin and bow and brought it up and started playing a very soft slow tune, which made Sarah close her eyes listening to it, and then he picked up the pace and moved onto something close to Bach’s Partita III, which made her start humming along to it, James opened his eyes and watched her while he played, he found that she had a good singing voice just through her humming, he soon stopped playing,25
“And that’s all I can really do without screwing up for now…” he said, she looked at him,26
“Aw, you’re really good, start practicing more”27
“Why?”28
“Cos I wanna hear you play something different once a month…” she stood up and opened the door “…And you may hear me sing” she said, and she left him standing there, violin in his hand, and his confidence in his music restored.29
James sat up in bed, the thoughts of Sarah still tore at him, he looked at his clock, it was 2:52 in the morning, so he had only slept for an hour. Not really feeling tired, he flicked his lamp on and looked over at the other side of the room. Sarah’s bed was still neatly made, and photos of him and her were on the wall. Of course the photos weren’t just of each other, there were photos with Jack and Izzy, and the other member of the team, Marcus, a big Black African boy who had a knack for explosives. One thing he found odd, however, was that his violin with bow was leaning against her bedside table. he got up and picked them up, and went to put them in the case, but a thought went through his head,30
“I want you to play me something different once a month” Sarah’s voice said, he turned round and saw a ghostly image of her stand in the doorway for a second, then fade away. It was October 17th, 3 months since he last had a chance to play to her. James walked out into the hallway, and brought the violin up and started playing a very slow, sad tune. He could hear it echo through the hall, but he kept playing, and although he didn’t know it, everyone could hear him play, since you could hear what was outside the rooms, but not inside. He kept playing and started to move faster getting a bit happier. Soon he was more or less in a trance, the sweet sounds flowing down the hallways, Jack had poked his head out the doorway and was watching the whole time. He watched him play, and as he played the moon come out more from behind the could and saw James bathed in moonlight as he played,31
“Whoa, I never knew he could play Violin…” Jack whispered softly, and he watched James finish playing before looking up at the stars,32
“See, I still play for you…” he said, before heading back to his room, Jack mesmerized at his friend’s talents.33
A contest entry
- The Commentless by Atticus Unanimous.
100 points, ended February 4, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Do u have what it takes? I want ur best chapter stories by hsmlover1.
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Comments
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Paragraph 25 is one massive sentence. Try breaking it up some. It wold make it a little less like a chihuahua jumping up and down while it barked about its day. Make it calm and natural. It reads better in my opinion. Same thing goes for 31. Also, in that paragraph you have "could" where "cloud" might suffice. At the end of some of your paragraphs you have commas not periods. When new dialogue is being introduced you only need a period at the end of the paragraph. If that makes any sense. And violin doesn't need to be capitalized.
Overall, nice job. I rather like it. So I'm about to sound ignorant but uh what does RAIN stand for? At first I thought you were talking about the Beatles tribute band but that doesn't seem to be the case. Anyway, great job.

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