In the background low conversations buzzed about the Call Center. I was standing by a young recruit with pale blond hair, my hands resting lightly on her bony shoulders. "Alright Madara, what procedure would you follow now?"1
Madara hesitated slightly, biting her bottom lip between very straight teeth. "While getting a call for a Closer I would input the location and time, cross reference that to the Closers on duty that night. Then call the nearest Closer."2
"Very good, but next time do not hesitate. Your job is pivotal. You are the one that makes or breaks the job."3
"Yes, ma'am." Madara replied.4
A hush descended over the room and I turned to see why. Kale walked through the randomly scattered call desks. The men and women working the center watched as he stopped in front of me. 5
His face held a three day stubble and his eyes were sunken in his head. I knew that he hadn't been sleeping well. After what happened, he was taking the blame onto himself. I tried time and again to get him to come to terms with it, but I failed repeatedly.6
"Kale," I breathed.7
He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. "Raisa, I needed to see you, to feel you."8
"Kale, what is going on?" I asked, still keeping my voice quiet. Those around us were watching intently. "Back to work, please."9
He pulled back to look into my eyes. "I am tired of feeling like a failure. I just want to look at you and not feel like I've let you down."10
"But Kale," I interrupted.11
"No, please let me finish." He held up his calloused hand. "In order for me to do that, I must leave. I can't be here right now. I need to get my head together."12
"You're leaving?" I felt my stomach fall to my knees and my breath caught in my throat.13
"I'm sorry." He turned and left. And my whole world dropped away from me. 14
Author notes
For those that asked for another one. I don't know where I'm going, but I'll get there 
And yes, this is the Epilogue from Closer Raisa, so you are not going crazy. 
In a list
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Oh good, I was a bit disorientated as I had only read a few chaptersof your previous Closer Raisa story.
I echo the Para 2 'closest closer' comment below. Also in Para 3 'very crucial' may look better as 'pivotal' or 'vital' - the word 'very' seems to flatten it a little.
I must go and catch up with 'Raisa' - she's a strong well constructed character and I like her
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Lis, I will use your suggestions
Thanks for reading and I really hope you are enjoying this. I don't know if I am going to be able to finish it. The first one was easy to write, but this one is not coming. I may put it aside for now.
Brooke
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Although I haven't read any of the previous 'Raisa' stories I found this very interesting.
I'm not sure what it's all about but it IS interesting
I take it Kale is an assassin and he was on a job which went wrong.
I have but one suggestion for your consideration:
p2 - closest Closer - this is a bit of a tongue-twister so haow about - nearest Closer
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Kale is actually a trainer. In the first Raisa, he came to save Raisa, but it was all his fault that she was in the situation she was in and couldn't forgive himself
Thanks for the suggestion. I like it and will use it
Brooke
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I don't know what happened, but my comment below at first didn't go through. So, I did another one!
Although I have not read the previous chapters, I still found it an interesting and well-written story. Nothing to fault at all, except the minor suggestions in my comment below.
Sorry about that!
Regards
Bernice -
Although I have not read the previous chapters, I found this piece interesting and well-written.
Just a couple of suggestions though:
paragraph 6 - shouldn't it be 'sunken' and not 'sunk' in his head.
paragraph 9 - I suggest drop the one 'still'. I would do so in the 2nd sentence and say; Those around us watched intently.
Bernice -
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Thanks, I will go and change those
And thanks for continuing to read.
Brooke
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Thought this looked familiar!
I just read this again, and then scrolled down through the comments thinking, I'm sure I've read this before... and blow me down, there was my comment! So glad I'm not going nuts!
I see you've been back and tightened it up ~ and what a fantastic piece it is now ~ it reads and flows very smoothly and certainly builds up the tension to the devastating climax.
...So what happens next?!! Don't keep us in suspense for too long!
Lou x
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I've written more, but still not finished. I'm glad it is better and that you liked it.
Brooke
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OK, I've read the epilogue, now I have to go find out what the hell the story was all about. You have aroused my curiosity, well done.
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I do hope you enjoy it
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Interesting.
I definitely want to read more. I don't really know what's it's about yet, but I'm sure I will when I read more. -
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I'm trying to pick this up again and I hope that the comments I get will give me motivation.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Questions: what's happening in here? What's the purpose of the Call Center? What makes Madara a recruit? What's a Closer? Who's Kale? And, most importantly, who's Raisa?
These were the questions I was asking myself as I read this. None of these questions are aptly answered, and only one is touched upon(Who's Kale?).
You have some terrific elements in here for a longer, more rounded prologue. Unless, of course, it was tailored exclusively for readers of the previous Raisa installment. (I assume that, since this is the sequel, there's a prior installment.)
You should tone down the hasty progression of plot and elaborate on the characters and their surrounds and personal lives a bit more. Just a bit, at the very least. Readers starting out with this installment will feel excluded and more than a tad confused without such additions.
...Or maybe it's just me. It's something worth looking into, at least.
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Lets see...
First lets see if we can't answer your questions...
What's happening in here? In Raisa, Kale had left Raisa to "find himself" and to "forgive himself". That's all bullsh*t because Raisa doesn't need him to do this.
What's the purpose of the Call Center? The Call Center is where the incoming calls for Closers and Finders or Searchers (I can't remember what I called them) come in. Closers are people who clean up the scene when a bad hit comes in. They make is look like what the hit was suppose to be before the assissan went wrong (not sure that made sense, even to me )
What makes Madara a recruit? When Raisa was recruited it was because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but said or did something that made her stand out. They didn't kill her, obsiously. I assume that is what happened with Madara. What's a Closer? A Closes is someone show cleans up the assissans hit gone wrong. Who's Kale? Kale is the love interest of Raisa and a player. But he's had a change of heart after the last book. And, most importantly, who's Raisa? Raisa is the main character, once a Closer, now manager of the call center, who secretly longs for the Closer position she left.
It is/was tailored for those that have read the first Raisa, but I can see you point. Would hate to alienate others who haven't read the first one. Will look over these couple I have done and see what I can do.
Thanks for pointing that out to me. One can only learn if one listens.
Again thanks
Brooke
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very nice
Very nice writing, but since it's the first I have read of yours, I have no idea what's going on.
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So a Sequal huh, i should go read the beginning to understand the second right? Anyway this was really good. Keep up the good work!
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Can't wait for the rest.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it
Brooke
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A good read.I wish it had been a longer story. I guess you had some typos, going by the comments. I can't wait to know what you're going to call the sequel.
Julie
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Will read through and see what I can find. Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Good
Hi Brooke,
I like your story, you have something here.
This is too short, and I'm not sure what is going on. This needs to bit a longer.
Are you ending a story or starting another story?
Editing notes:
Had and was makes your passive.
In first half the story, you were passivethen change to an active voice. The story got better when you went to an active voice.
A hush descended over the room and I turned to see why. Kale (was walking) through the randomly scattered call desks. The men and women working the center watched as he stopped in front of me.
(was walking) change walked.
After what (had happened), he was taking the blame onto himself. I (had tried) time and again to get him to come to terms with it, but I (had failed) repeatedly.
(had happened)
(had tried)
(had failed)
delete all hads
See you next time,
Lynn
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Now, those do make the difference. Thanks for pointing that out and it is now changed
Brooke
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Sounds intriguing...
Hmmm...well well, I wonder where this is indeed going! Not having read the first episode I sort of envisage a Star Ship Enterprise-kind of thing going on. Probably way off base! Heh heh...anyway...
Apart from needing a little tightening up (eg: '"Kale," I breathed softly.7' ~ when someone 'breathes' a name, they are almost ALWAYS speaking softly, so you don't need to tell us! Stuff like that...).
'The men and women working the center watch (watched) as he stopped in front of me.' 5
'I (had) tried time and again to get him to come to terms with it, but I had failed repeatedly.' 6
Thanks for sharing this piece, and good luck with all your literary endeavours!
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Thanks for reading and I fixed what you pointed out. Thank you for those. It's always the small mistakes I miss
I have the first chapter, but am trying to figure out a Title for this and doing a character bio for the contact at the sister company. I'm hoping to have something more for this next week.
Again thank you for reading
Brooke
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