I felt the life drain out of him. Blood poured out of the gaping wound in his stomach. I tried to stop the blood flow, really I did, but it just kept going.1
"Gregory, who did this
to you."2
I whispered frantically to him. He was dying quickly. 3
"Connor."4
Was the last thing he said. Then he died. I sobbed and I tried to send out a distress message to any other vampires who may have been in the area. None reponded. They were all dead. I felt something stand over me and I looked up. There above me, with a bloody muzzle, was Connor is wolf form. He opened his mouth and lunged down at me. Then all went dark.5
I woke with a start. I was in my bed, but someone was with me. I turned and saw that it was Connor. He opened his eyes and looked at me.6
"What's wrong, Magdeline?"7
He said groggily. No one ever used my full name, Connor was the only one who could get away with it. 8
"Just a nightmare."9
I told him and snuggled closer to him. Even though my nightmare was about him, I felt safe next to him. Though in the back of my mind I knew that something bad would happen, very soon.
Comments
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It's pretty good, but at the beginning I felt like you were just rushing words out in a rampage. Describe your emotions rather than ignore them. I know that in dreams things are different, but in stories dreams are more(a lot of times) so you should really emphasize you emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Remember, you can't hide anything in dreams.
Also, you could improve it by saying who is talking. Work on your 5 W's: who, what, where, when, and why.
So it's pretty good but needs a little lengthening and editing. Keep writing
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o.o
good work.
cheers
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Good dream sequence
Good dream sequence and contrast of showing the enemy in the dream was the trusted person in the protagonist's bed. Good imagery describing the monster/ werewolf.
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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