Cinderella

Once there lived a rich businessman called Richard who married a lovely lady called Julia. They lived in a gigantic mansion, complete with a state of the art security system, a plasma TV, a mini theatre, swimming pool, and many other amenities that will make you green with envy even if you are a priest. They had a nice little garden with many artificial trees too, Julia and Richard being too busy to plant real ones. They had a lovely little daughter with blond hair and blue eyes whom they named Ella, and they lived happily in their mansion. However Richard soon divorced Julia in favor of a much lovelier lady called Jasmine. After all Julia was just his twenty-fifth wife.1

Jasmine had two daughters who once had been very pretty, but due to an overdose of Botox injections and plastic surgeries looked just like the women they were-snobby socialites. Ella had only had one plastic surgery, and a Botox injection or two here and there and was thus significantly prettier. This made her stepsisters jealous to no ends, and they soon plotted to take over Ella’s high school. Ella could only watch as her stepsisters stole her clique, boyfriend, and position on the cheerleading squad. Soon she was reduced to eating with all the nerds and punks in the ‘unpopular’ table in the cafeteria. *author cries*2

Jasmine was no better to Ella. She could watch the TV only for fifteen hours a day*gasp*, and she was not allowed to watch R-rated movies*bigger gasp*. She could not hold any rave parties*author takes a large gulp of air* and she had to clean her room every day*author faints*.Ella had to return from dates at 11:00 sharp. She had to clean the marble fireplace everyday, and was thus cruelly named Cinderella because of all the ash that covered her whenever she finished cleaning. This made Ella feel very wretched, as she could not do her homework in such circumstances. Ella would cry for days on the end. Her only solace was her nerdy best friend Theresa who sympathized with Ella and never hesitated to do Ella’s homework. *Author applauds such helpful people.*3

One day, a boy called William entered the school. He was rich, hot, and the perfect jock. Of course Ella fell in love with him. But the trouble was that he was more interested in Ella’s sisters, as they were thinner and had more ample cleavage. They also had better dresses, Ella not being allowed to buy more than 25 dresses a week. (I know that’s agonizing). Ella felt worse than ever. However Theresa came to the rescue. Along with her, Ella stole her father’s bottle of champagne and auctioned it on E-bay. She used the money to buy a dress from a fashion magazine, though of course, it was only 5000 dollars. And her stepsisters had 5, 500 dollar ones! How cruel! With the remaining money, they scrounged off some cheap accessories-a diamond necklace, sapphire earrings, and a measly little push-up bra studded with rubies.4

One the day of the prom, Theresa hired a limousine with the condition that it must be returned by 2:00 ‘o’ clock in the night, that being the new 12 ‘0’ clock. She drove Ella to the prom, and it can be said without doubt that Ella was the sexies-ahem, most beautiful girl in school that night. Of course William was not one to ignore a sex-I mean beautiful girl, so he asked her to dance with him. She was thrilled of course. William was awed by the grace and airs of Ella. After all, why else would he have asked her to come with her to his car? Ella, too busy in the throes of passion with William, did not notice the time. Soon the clock chimed two, and everything descended into chaos for her. She remembered the 2:30 curfew Jasmine had given and quickly dressed before running away to her limousine. However it had already been towed away. She went to Theresa for help, but she, helpful nerd, but nerd all the same, had gone home by one ‘o’ clock. The terrified Ella had to take a cab-yes, a cab-home, but she was late all the same, and was grounded.5

Meanwhile William, who had never had such better lovemaking in his life, was sitting in his car and looking at Ella’s Jimmy Choo that she, had left behind. (She had wanted a Manolo Blahnik but she had limited resources thanks to her cruel stepmother). He announced in school that whoever’s foot fit into the shoe would be his girlfriend, he having too busy a social life to find her himself and also being too drunk at the time to remember her face. Ella disobeyed Jasmine and stayed back after school for the trial. Unfortunately, Ella’s elder stepsister Lorna’s foot fit as they both were the same size. A broken-hearted Ella went home, where she was severely reprimanded and grounded for two whole years.6

However, Ella soon announced that she was going to have William’s baby. This of course meant that she and not Lorna became William’s girlfriend-sorry-wife. After many trials and tribulations involving nerds, stepsisters, and a Jimmy Choo stiletto, Cinderella finally found her prince and lived with him happily ever after with their children, Roseanne, Mark and Deirdre. Though of course, it is another thing that Mark and Deirdre were not William’s children. But that doesn’t matter now, does it? 7