Fighting Torment

My eyes snap open, electric terror flowing through my body, jolting me into a sitting position. I feel a scream catch in my chest and automatically my hand flies to my mouth, trapping the dying wail of despair. My pale blue eyes wet with tears, I remove my hand from my lips and take a deep breath of cold air. I close my eyes and see the images of my nightmare, a past I can't escape, flashing, toying with my emotions. With my eyes still closed I feel around for my phone. It is hard to find as my cover is an endless sea of fabric, smooth beneath my fingers. Finally, after a minute, my hand lies on my phone, I flick it open and without opening my eyes I dial a number that would forever be imprinted on my memory...1

1-662-357-8155...2

My finger mashes the last button and I wait for the ring, and immediately, on the other side of the phone, comes a voice full of worry. 3

"Hello? Onje?"4

Upon hearing the familiar voice of my Trevor, my calmness cracks and I break down into a sobbing blob of nothingness.5

"Onje, speak to me," Trevor pleads as he always does. "What’s wrong?"6

I cannot find my voice, I struggle to say something, anything, but my heart is in my throat, choking me. My gasps for breath become a hyperventilating panic. My thoughts whiz around my mind, too fast for me to focus, too horrible to describe.7

I feel myself floating into darkness, further and further into oblivion...8

"Onje, breathe! Onje?!" 9

His voice penetrates the all consuming abyss, bringing me back to my painful reality.10

A shiver of cold fire runs down my spine as i struggle to catch my breath.11

"Just take a deep breath baby, breathe in your nose and out your mouth."12

"Oh, shut up," I say in a breathy voice, my heart still pounding like the war drum of a battle not yet finished.13

"Another nightmare?" It's not a question really, for he knows the answer.14

Yes, I think to myself, and they're getting worse.15

I long to tell him, I want to scream out my bitter hatred, to cry of my sadistic torment until my tears no longer flow...16

"I'm fine," I lie, biting my tongue and betraying my heart.17

"Onje," he answers in protest, "You can tell me..."18

I sigh, my heart hardening under his interrogation. 19

"Just stop it Trevor!" I say in an exasperated tone.20

"I'm fine now. I'm just going to get off of here and try to go back to sleep."21

"Onje-" I click off the phone and opening my eyes for the first time since before finding my phone, I stare at the dim light of the screen.22

"Goodbye Trevor," I whisper cutting off the power to my poor phone.23

"I know," I say softly, "It's not fair of me to slowly kill you because I'm too scared to talk."24

I feel as if my phone is staring at me with hatred, blaming me for the sleep of which it had no choice. Does this come as a surprise to me? I shake my head gently, no, I'm always to blame...25

Guilt overwhelms me, why could i do nothing right? I call Trevor just to hang up in his face and make him worry. Without realizing it I begin to chew on fingernail, a habit I had picked up when I was little to help me "self soothe". I always seemed to be alone when i was little, trapped in solitude, unaware of any danger. Now I was all too alert, I knew the danger and was in constant fear of it. Even with Trevor I was paranoid of the inevitable danger I knew was to come. Sucking on my sore cuticle I lay my head onto my tear-stained pillow and curl into a tight ball of uncertain security. My eyelids flutter and droop as a waterfall of quiet slumber overtakes me and I drift off to sleep.26

Oh, the bringer of nightmares do I meet...27

In the morning I awaken in a state of agony, knowing that no one could ever care about me and my feelings, these thoughts I hold in; much like little demons preparing an attack on my soul. My heart is thumping as I jump from my bed, filled with the unmistakable emotion of despair.28

Why do I feel this way? I know that something is wrong, I always have a reason for feeling this way. Most people I've told think I'm psychic, but be it a womyn's intuition or some unknown sixth sense; something is always wrong when I feel this way. An ache forms in my chest, strangling me like the hands of the reaper, as I grab my dead, lifeless phone and once again bring it back to its life of uncertain agony. Barely breathing, I dial Trevor's number, expecting no one to answer...29

"Hello?" His beautiful voice comes from the speaker. I take a deep calm breath.30

"You okay Trevor?"31

"Umm..Yeah? Should I be watching out for something?" he inquires.32

Sheesh, does he never give up?33

"No, it wasn't a nightmare just a bad feeling"34

"Oh.." he sounds so let down, like a little kid who is expecting to find Santa Clause and sees his parents instead.35

Well, I think, sorry to be such a big disappointment.36

"I've got to go and get ready for school, love you baby, bye", I don't wait for a reply, I just hang up and set my phone back on the small oak dresser from which I had gotten it. I fly into a frenzy getting ready for school. I pull on my pants and yank on my hoodie, slip my feet into my shoes and then I am done. I never brush my hair or do my make up, the less attractive you are the less danger you are in. I always say that, but the past is proof that that's not true, danger exists no matter what you look like. I sigh sadly, grab my bookbag and rush out the door to wait on the bus. Why do I always depress myself like this, I need to get a grip. 37

My reality is a nightmare, and my nightmare a reality; I had once told this to my English teacher in a poem, and got an A for philosophical outlooks. I give the world a bitter little laugh as the bus pulls around the corner and up to my dusty, red driveway. My feet make a loud thunk on the steps as I climb into the bus and make a dash for the back seat. I don't know why I always race to the seat, as I’m the first person to get on the bus, but i always feel the urge to hurry. It's as if I’m not fast enough I'll lose my little piece of sanctuary. I get to the back and drop my bookbag in the seat beside me. Plopping into my own seat I let out a small sigh of... well I’m not a hundred percent sure, perhaps it's a mix of relief and sorrow. again I feel a wave of fatigue hit me in the face like a hundred pound fist, my head droops to the side and I fall asleep...38

Next thing I know I feel a sharp something prod into my side: I let out a shrill scream. Much to my embarrassment the whole bus is staring at me with wide spooked eyes. I feel my face flush a deep crimson, the heat making me sick to my stomach. 39

"Thanks" I mumble almost voicelessly as I get my bookbag and stand up to get off of the bus that everyday drags me to my own personal hell. I hang my head and stare at my plain black sneakers, the laces frayed and worn, a tell-tale sign of three years of wear. The seams are tearing and as I walk I notice a hole forming in the toe of my left shoe. I'm sorry, I think, wishing it could hear me, having to put up with me walking on you all day. 40

The sun is shining so brightly it compels me to look up and gaze at my surroundings. I wish I hadn't, everyone is staring at me, their gazes hot with hatred and cold with apathy. In the distance I hear someone yell,41

"She's a screamer!!"42

My ears get hot and I look back to the floor as everyone around me explodes with laughter.43

Always laughing at my expense...44

I feel the warm salty tears burn under my naked eyelids. I won't let them escape their prison, because that would mean they had won, that everyone who was ever mean to me got their way.45

And with that said, I run to the bathroom and cry...46

The bell rings loudly, echoing in my cluttered mind. It drags my soul kicking and screaming back to where I sit curled into the fetal position, crouched in the corner of a filthy bathroom stall. I let out a long sigh, I don’t want to leave my safe haven and wander out into the cold uncaring world of high school. The tears, which I am oblivious to, trickle down my chin and plummet to the soft velvet of my black stretch pants creating a dark wet blotch that would belie the happy exterior that I planned to put up. I feel like sighing again, but catch myself. I really do that too much. I pick myself up, slowly pick up my bookbag, and undo the lock of the graffiti-ed door. 47

The second bell rings, but still I slowly trudge on, not really caring about my growing pile of tardies: ISS was like heaven to me here.48

Then suddenly, it happened! I knew at once why I had that bad feeling this morning.49

It took all of five seconds; I am pinned to the wall staring into the face of a boy I had never seen before. I gasp loudly as he shoves his cold hand down the front of my shirt feeling my breasts as if he owns them himself. I freeze. I can't move, think, or breath; my eyes wide in fear. I can hear my heart: It is thudding so loudly in my ears that I can’t hear the boy. But one look in his eyes and I have a sudden epiphany: He knows, and he is going to use that to his advantage.50

All the details of my nightmare comes back the me in a flash and I feel the scalding hot tears under my eyelids again, and this time I don’t hold them back, I can’t. The torment inside was crushing me into a million pieces and the world was just watching it all over again. No one would save me; they never had.51

He withdraws his hand and flings me into an empty classroom, laughing as I crumble to the floor, a thoroughly shaken mass of pure terror. I see his feet as the walk away from me, but I don’t dare look up. That might convince him to come back and finish what he started. The thought of that sends me into a panicked frenzy, I feel the urge to flee, but I still can’t get my body to work.52

The tears blur the image of the nurse as she finds me in the room, still up against the wall where he had left me. Her eyes were full of concern, but I keep my lips sealed. That concern could turn to outrage any moment, and that fury could be directed at me. It always was.53

“Honey, Onje, what’s wrong? Why are you in this room?”54

“Nothing, nothing," I say, viciously wiping away the tears, “A migraine is all.”55

“One that’s left you in the floor for two class periods? In an empty classroom that is never used?”56

I just nod, not daring to look up at her face. She would know immediately that I was lying, my flushed face and paranoid eyes would tell her more than I wanted her to know.57

“I figured seeings as it's never used it would be quiet. Can I just go home?”58

“Of course sweetheart, let’s go call your momma”59

Suddenly going home doesn’t sound like such a good idea, my mom would just blame me for raising gas prices and make me clean the house like the little slave I was.60

“Nevermind," I mumble, “Shouldn’t let a little headache keep me from a good education.”61

I’m not looking, but I can sense this makes her smile a little.62

“Yes, well, as concerned as I’m sure every teenager is about their studies, you’ve been in the floor for two periods in pain, remember?”63

I can feel the hidden meaning in that; almost a warning, as if I’m lying and could get caught up in my own web. I am, but she shouldn’t know that.64

“Please, can you not just write me a pass?”65

She takes me by the arm and helps me off of the cold hard floor. It wasn’t until I was standing did I feel the ache in my legs and back from being petrified so long.66

“Ow…”67

She gives me a quizzical look and I shake me head.68

“I still don’t want to go home.”69

She lets out a sigh, and I smile in sort of a bitter justice; for once I was frustrating someone else instead of the other way around. I immediately feel bad for this thought, the nurse is just doing her job and I am making it difficult.70

“Please, lets just get me a pass to class, I don’t think my mom is even home right now”71

I know she fears being thought of as a bad nurse, this allows her to say she had no other option but to send me on to class.72

“Oh.”73

I can tell this news makes her feel better about it. I smile in a nice way this time. I look at her, now feeling completely numb.74

“Can I have some Tylenol before I go to class though? My head is killing me!”75

She chuckles, “Of course dear, that’s my job isn’t it?”76

I nod and smile politely.77

Then out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of him, my new tormentor, and then it hits me.78

He’s the one that told the nurse I was here.79

I immediately feel sick to my stomach. I must look it because the nurse gets a worried look.80

“Sweetheart, you sure you don’t need to go home?”81

I nod, the pleasant numbness gone as quickly as it had came. My heart speeds up as he smiles cruelly at me and turns to walk away. Curiosity overwhelms me…82

“Who is that?” I say pointing to his retreating figure, she follows my gaze and spots him.83

“Oh that’s just Mike Moore, but he goes by Shane.”84

The name brings the flush back to my cheeks: So Evil Has A Name.85

“Let’s go get you some medicine and a pass. We’ve wasted a lot of time.”86

She was right, the bell for third period rang at the last syllable she spoke and she rushed me to her office so quickly I nearly forgot my bookbag. She thrust a pass at me, handed me two painkillers, and rushed me from the room.87

“Hurry and get to class!!”88

Sheesh, what is that womyn’s problem?89

I spent the rest of the day trying to melt with the walls, head down, eyes on the floor. Now I am invisible, I tell myself over and over, he can't see me. I avert my thoughts to a different subject, writing poetry in my head or designing a new sketch: anything to keep my mind off of what had happened earlier.90

Soon the last bell rings, breaking me from a drawing I had been working on all class period. It’s of a girl wearing nothing but a bra, who looks very much in despair. I sigh, going home isn’t exactly much better than being at school.91

Nothing really happens on the bus. I leave them alone, and they leave me alone; most of the time. 92

The bus pulls around to my house, the last stop of the day. You can tell the bus driver is anxious to get home, I mean why wouldn’t she be? It is a Friday, which means no more screaming kids for her until Monday. Lucky her I suppose.93

But as I get off a certain something catches me eye: Trevor’s truck. The off white truck that carries my whole world from place to place is parked in my driveway. I rush to the house, fling open the door, and race to my bedroom where I know he is waiting.94

Still after two and a half years his face sends shivers down my spine and I have to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he is real.95

There he is, as I knew he would be, laying on my bed waiting ever so patiently for me to return. I drop my bookbag as he opens his eyes and he sits up.96

"Hello beautiful.”97

My heart jumps into my throat as I stare into his hazel eyes. Blushing profusely I shake my head. I am not beautiful. This isn't spoken out loud, I don’t want to waste my time on a silly argument like that. I throw myself at him, tackling and hugging him at the same time. His laugh rings in my ears, a melody of which I doubt there is any compare.98

“I still think you should try out for the football team Onje," he says, as he plants a soft kiss on my lips.99

Such a simple act, but it erases all sadness from my soul, if only for a second. I grab his face and pull him into a longer kiss, trying to prolong the feeling of completeness. But even with the bliss I am feeling, a dark shadow lingers in my eyes and he catches it. He never misses a beat.100

“Onje, what’s the matter baby?”101

I sigh. So that’s why he had come over: I couldn’t hang up on him now. 102

I shake my head, No.103

He pulls me even closer to him, making the guilt well up inside of me. Did he need to know, should I tell him? I had always told him everything else. Why should it matter now?104

Because it’s happening now, I answer myself. Because all that was in the past and this is happening now.105

The sadness overwhelms me, the fear coming back, and I start to shake as I had in the floor where Shane had left me. Trevor knows this reaction, because if he wasn’t careful around me he evoked it himself.106

Something has happened, and he knows he has to be careful about how he approaches it. Don’t you just hate it when someone knows you better than you know yourself?107

He lovingly strokes my hair as he wipes away a stray tear I didn’t notice.108

“What happened baby?“ he coos in a voice just above a whisper, trying to lure me into a sense of security.109

Suddenly I sob. Burying my face into his shoulder, I spill out the whole story.110

“Some boy," gasping in-between my words, I can barely understand myself, “pushed m-me into a-a w-wall and... and...”111

I can't finish the sentence, but Trevor knows, like he always does. He kisses me on the forehead before he continues his cross-examination.112

“Where did he touch you?”113

I feel like a little girl being asked to show the cops where the pedophile fondled her. And yet this way worked, I don’t have to speak. I point to my chest and it takes all the concentration I have to say…114

“S-shoved his damn hand d-down my shirt Trevor!”115

This revelation brings about new tears as Trevor cuddles me close, and though his actions are of the softest kind, I can feel the fury radiating from him. What had I just gotten myself into?116

“Onje you have to tell someone. Do you know his name?”117

I bolt out of his arms immediately, sobered by his words.118

“No! Are you insane? I can not tell anyone, you remember when you met me? My mom didn’t believe me about this kind of stuff then and she won’t now!” My voice is a near shriek.119

He didn’t say anything for a long time. His breathing rings slowly in my ears, the tension mounting with each inhale. The last time I had told my mom something like this she had told the cops and everyone I was a liar. The cops didn’t even check, they just took my mom’s word for it and left me there in my nightmare. Ever since then I have been terrified of telling, I just get called a liar and got hurt worse for it.120

I shake my head, no, telling was not an option for me.121

“Then let me kick his ass.”122

Trevor’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I blink blankly at him.123

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”124

“Let me beat his ass, Onje, please." 125

His voice shakes, his whole body trembling with anger.126

For some reason this scares me. What if it is Trevor who gets hurt?127

I shake my head immediately, no, if I just let it go, he’ll go away eventually. They all get bored sometime, I reason with myself, he won’t do it too many times and then he’ll just go away. Just like all the others.128

“No.”129

Trevor’s eyes are wide at my answer, this brings on an unconscious sigh.130

“I won’t let you get involved. You could get in trouble, or hurt…”131

Or killed.132

I don’t speak that part aloud.133

Trevor takes me back into his arms and soon his lips are pressed hard against mine, angry, scared lips that bring the blood to my cheeks.134

“I won’t let you be hurt Onje,” his voice cracks. “I promised, remember?”135

“No, Trevor, you promised YOU wouldn’t hurt me.”136

I know, I know, I think softly, I’m always saying no one ever helps me, but when someone wants to I push them away.137

This was different though, this was my Trevor, and I wouldn’t do anything that could possibly put him in danger, ever.138

Suddenly Trevor’s text message ringtone fills my ears, both of our gazes spring toward his phone: No one ever texts Trevor.139

All of a sudden I hear Trevor grind his teeth, the text said:140

“Tell your girlfriend I said “Nice Tits!””141

The text had been sent from my phone, had it fallen from my pocket when he pinned me up against the wall? I couldn’t remember, I hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything but his lustful stare. Trevor startles me by slamming his heavy fist against my wall, I think I hear something along the lines of “bastard” creep from his lips, but his voice is too low for me to tell. I put my hand lightly on his shoulder, watching his red knuckles…142

"Please calm down”, my voice squeaks.143

He looks at me, realizing he’s the cause of my fear now and nods. It’s a hard jerky nod, but at least I know he will try and cool off.144

“Just spend time with me while you are here, forget about him, please”145

I say this, but I know it’s impossible because I’d never be able to get him off of my mind. A low sigh escapes my lips…146

I thought I had decided to try and stop that, could I do nothing right?147

“Let’s play a video game, please?”148

Trevor nods, his eyes full of worry for me.149

I feel my heart drop to my feet and an overwhelming coldness grasps me in its clutches. How can I make him feel better? How can I convince him that everything will be okay when I can’t even tell that lie to myself?150

I go to the television, grab the playstation controller that was laying next to it, and toss it to him, but he’s not paying any attention.151

Wham!!!152

It hits him on the side of the head. I burst into hysterical laughter at the surprised look on his face as he gives me the weirdest “what the hell” look I’ve ever seen. He grabs my arm and pulls me to him, kissing me roughly on the lips. I could feel the fear kicking in, my body freezing at his caress as his kisses become a desperate torrent of concerning possession. I feel hot tears well up under my eyes, his hands holding my arms tightly as he kisses my lips and makes his way down my jaw line to the tender flesh of my neck; soon I am out of it, I hear nothing and feel nothing, my brain scattered and confused. A calming darkness overwhelms me and I am still.153

“Onje?!” His voice I hear faintly in the back of my brain as he calls out to me in worry.154

I let out a shrill gasp as a sharp pain brings me back to my body.155

“Ow!” I choke out; all my later fear returning to me, ”Don’t hurt me Trevor.”156

On his face is a clear look of being rejected and offended all at once, but I still feel it is an angry look; anger directed at me.157

“I’m sorry," I say, my eyes focused on my shoelaces; would they get mad if I replaced them? 158

My mind is whirling. Please don’t let him hurt me, I pray silently to some unknown entity.159

“Onje; I-I would never...," he stutters softly as he puts his hand on mine; I jump, suddenly pulling my hand away. Then my stomach starts doing flips and I begin to dry heave. He looks at me worriedly, I know he is thinking that I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I know I shouldn’t, even with all that has happened.160

He gets up and grabs his things.161

“Onje, I’ll see you later. I can’t handle this right now.”162

I can hear his teeth grind together, “I love you. But this is too much.”163

He must’ve caught the shock and hurt on my face as I looked at him, my stomach still lurching.164

“Unless you really need me here," He says quietly. “I’ll stay if you can’t be alone right now.”165

He always thinks about what I need first, it makes me feel so selfish.166

“N-no..." a fresh batch of tears well over my bottom eyelid as I look at him, thinking of what he can do to me if he were mad, “Y-you can go.”167

He nods solemnly and reaches for the door knob.168

“I love you Onje.”169

And then he is gone.170

I crawl into my bed, having been on the floor this whole time. My sobs quiet down as I let myself drift in a half awake half asleep state. This is how I spend my days, rotting slowly from the inside out. I use up hours upon hours just laying here hoping to die sooner rather than later. Finally after a long period of time has passed I may fall into a deep slumber; only to relive past torments as my nightmares rage.171

“Please” the little girl squeals looking into the face of a monster. This monster’s name is Peter Erikson, a friend of her fathers; but when daddy passes out from too much to drink, this man became a vicious monster who preys on the little girl. She screams, but it is muffled by the pillow he has pushed on her face. 172

“Shuddup!!!” ,his whisper makes the little girl quake. She is so scared of the man in her room. He always comes at night when mommy is at work and daddy is asleep and makes her undress herself. He bites her arm very hard, drawing blood from the little girl's tiny limb. She chokes back her cries of agony, she goes deep inside herself where no one can get her. 173

There she waits for him to get tired of hurting her, there she feels nothing and sees nothing. But I am still watching; even if the little girl is content in her mind, I have no where to run. Peter heats up his knife blade with a Zippo lighter, and sticks it to the bottoms of her feet, scorching the soft tissue of her little girl soles. I cringe; this scene is so familiar. The little girl is no longer screaming so he finally decides to hurry up and finish what he started. I feel my stomach reacting once again, I feel myself heaving in disgust. I want to scream out for someone to help this little girl, but I have not a voice to speak with and can only watch in horror as he violates the little girl that was once me.174

I bolt out of my bed upon awakening from my dream, vomit drenching the front of me: apparently I wasn‘t dry heaving. Gazing around my room, I can still feel the presence of the dream crushing me. I burst into uncontrollable sobs; reliving the pain of the event, both the mental and the physical. It always comes back to me, as if it has just happened. My radio is blaring “Jonestown Tea.” This song is not helping much. I can hear Otep’s scream of “Take your dick out of me” and soon I find myself unable to keep quiet; soon I am the warrior, screaming out my pain.175

I start the song over, and then I am singing to every man who has ever touched me without my permission; I am the lioness on the hunt: Hear me roar.176

That’s how my mom finds me in the morning, in the corner, screaming along to a song she can't understand. She sees nothing wrong with this picture; it happens quite often.177

“Get ready for school." 178

This is all she says as she sleepily retreats back to her room.179

I feel so sick I don’t want to go to school. I’m scared, angry, and hurting. My torment is whirling inside me like a tornado twisting and turning me into a lifeless zombie. Shane’s presence at school isn’t going to help much. I gather my clothes; a hoodie, a pair of pants, and some shoes; why even bother finding a shirt? Its not like I take my hoodie off; so what’s the point?180

I sigh and pull the hoodie over my head slowly, I really don’t want to do this. I pull on my pants and shoes and grab my book bag. Every inch of me is screaming “This is not a good idea you dumb-ass”.181

I ignore these little voices and walk out the door and to the bus stop waiting on my chariot to Hades to arrive.182

I don’t really remember the ride to school, perhaps I fell asleep or maybe I just zoned out. 183

Who knows?184

I walk into the school and the bell has already rung. I go to the office and snag a pass without the receptionist noticing and head toward the gym. It’s quicker to get to my class if you cut through the gym instead of going around it.185

Only one problem: When I got to the gym, he was there, as if he’d been waiting on me. How long had he been watching me?186

I turn to go back the way I came but he rushes at me and grabs me by the hair, pulling me into the overstuffed supply closet to the left of the bleachers. I gasp for air, my whole body tenses up and goes numb. I can’t think, the thoughts run incoherently through my head as he rips off my hoodie, holding me down with his knees on my chest.187

“You say a word and I will kill you," he says violently as he pulls out a brand new box cutter and runs it lightly over my exposed throat.188

I gag on my own tongue, and both my body and mind go limp. No thoughts run through my head as the seemly routine happening takes place, I dimly sense his irritation at my neglect to respond to his violent advances on my poor worn out body. His hands are grasping and pinching every inch of my body in an attempt to get me to react...189

I lay there, naked and alone for a long time, unmoving and stunned; even after he’s finished and went away.190

Still no thoughts occur in my mind as I get up and dress myself as quickly and quietly as I can. I am a zombie now, nothing matters to me. I am trapped inside myself; the place where nothing can touch me.191

I don’t remember getting home, but here I am staring at my ceiling; so I must’ve gotten home somehow. The lights are off and a whole cd full of Otep’s songs are playing; even her vicious lyrics can no longer help me though. The phone rings but I don’t hear it, nor do I even recognize the sound, I don’t realize it until my mother hurls the phone at me and it hits me sharply in the leg.192

I simply stare at her.193

“It’s for you honey.”194

I pick up the phone…195

“Hello…” even to me it sounds lifeless and dead.196

“Are you okay?”197

It’s Trevor, why do I not care?198

“Peachy.”199

“Onje, this is no time for sarcasm, you sound bad…”200

I laugh, it’s monotonous and pitiful. His sigh resonates over the phone, echoing loudly in my empty head.201

“Bye Trevor.”202

I hang up without thinking to say I love you. The phone begins to ring over and over and over; I just turn up the music to drown out the sound. I have nothing to say right now.203

I slowly get up from my tomb and walk drearily to the bathroom, where i fill the bathtub with bubbly water and lock the doors behind me. I attempt to scrub away the feeling in my stomach of disgust and vileness. Letting the rag rub bits and pieces of me raw, still I proceed to vigorously tear at my flesh until the water is tainted red with blood...204

Disgusting whore...205

I fall asleep in the tub, drenched in my despair. 206

Weeks drone on, me walking through the days but not really being there, my memories only of a blank desperation; I don’t remember speaking to anyone or anyone saying anything to me. I don’t remember Trevor’s visits as they become far and few between. Now it doesn't matter.207

Only Shane’s vile deed plays over and over in my empty head, forcing me into a hell I can’t escape. Forever trapped in my safe place.208

Six weeks have gone by and Trevor is at my house on one of his rare visits…209

“Onje!”210

My empty mind awakens…211

I blink and tilt my head quizzically.212

“Huh?”213

“Are you even listening to me?”214

“I’m sorry what did you say?”215

He rolls his eyes at me and softly punches me on the shoulder, he’s trying to be playful.216

Sharp cramps cause my hand to fly to my stomach and my face contorts in pain.217

“Onje?!”218

My body heaves as I jump up and fly to the bathroom in a hurry. The cramps grow worse and tears sting my eyes. I feel blood run down my leg; I jerk down my pants. Great! My period started.219

But something catches my eye as I’m cleaning up; a tadpole hunk of flesh with round black eyes staring at me. I pick it up, my mind trying to process what had just happened.220

I scream.221

Trevor is knocking on the door and I hear my name being called, but I am not there. My mind is twisting and turning and whirling around me. The embryo looks angry at me. Tears flow down my cheeks, my heart beating so slowly; wanting to stop altogether.222

The door behind me opens and Trevor grabs me by the arm.223

“Onje…”224

His eyes flash to the thing in my hands.225

“Oh my god...”226

I turn to him and bury my head in his shoulder, sobbing; tears of deep sorrow drowning me.227

He’s rocking me back and forth, I can almost feel his mind whirling. If I could think straight I would answer his questions, but now all I think about is my baby that would’ve been, clutched in my cold hands; never to be. I turn away from Trevor and look at it again. I know I shouldn’t but I feel compelled...228

“Onje… Was it him?”229

I nod pathetically, my eyes locked on the little embryo corpse; I imagine a little girl with wavy blonde hair and big blue eyes, tiny and petite.230

I shall call her Fae.231

Is it insane to name a dead embryo? I don’t care, she deserves a name at least…232

“We have to bury her.”233

My voice is dead again.234

“Onje! We have to tell someone.”235

I shake my head, ”You say one word to anyone about this and I’ll kill myself. I’ll die Trevor, do you want that?”236

I know this is cruel, but even with the little Fae, I fear what my mom will do. I roll her around in my hand, she’s slimy and wet; almost like a slug. I feel my face twist in disgust. 237

“Onje.”238

“Will you help me, Trevor?”239

My voice quivers, pleading him to be here for me; asking him to be more than a teenage boy for more than two seconds. He nods blankly, anger radiating from him again; this time aimed at my little Fae.240

“It’s not her fault...”241

“Her?”242

“The baby…”243

“Baby? Onje, this doesn’t even count as a fetus. Let’s just hurry up and get rid of it.”244

“It...? She’s not an it, Trevor.”245

He’s getting fed up with me, my mind accuses me of being a whore.246

Whore, whore, whore...247

I shake my head.248

“Not an it...”249

“Okay let’s get rid of her.”250

The venom in his voice makes me cringe, if people can name their cars and call them her; why can’t I name what would’ve been my child? He’s not being fair, why can’t I call her what I want? It’s not like she can do anything to him, he’s not going to have to look at her for the rest of his life. The least he could do is accept a name.251

“Her name is Fae.”252

He eyes me wearily, did he think I was losing it? Maybe I am, but I don’t mind anymore, Fae’s blue eyes flash in my mind.253

“Let’s bury her, please Trevor?”254

My voice is cracking under the pressure, I know he thinks I should be happy I lost her; but the thought of not having her makes me want to weep…255

“This is all that bastard’s fault... I’ll kill him!”256

“Trevor...”257

“It’d be easy to do…”258

I shake my head and leave the bathroom. I get to my room in a flash, dashing down the hallway before anyone can see I’m pantless and holding a baby. I set Fae on my dresser and pull on a new clean pair of pants and my boots. Thinking about burying my poor little Fae…259

My sobs rack my body, jerking me so hard that I fall to the cold hard linoleum floor. Trevor walks in and sees me there, crying like a baby…260

Hahaha...
Not funny.261

He pulls me to my feet and supports me as I sway.262

“Let’s just do this and forget about it, Onje.”263

I nod, knowing that it’ll be impossible to do. He doesn’t understand I realize, this isn’t his child. He may feel sorry for me, but he’s not saddened by this…264

The thought of this makes me want to puke; if she had lived she’d be his daughter; blood or no blood. My stomach heaves; you bastard! You don’t even care!265

He must feel the sickened fury around me like a swarm of angry bees, waiting to strike any and all who oppose me and what I want, because he backs away from me.266

“Onje, let’s bury her…”267

He says this with slight resistance; he won’t think of her as her… It’s pissing me off so bad, how am I supposed to feel?268

My own boyfriend doesn’t even care that I lost our child! Yes, I said our child, I refuse to think of my baby as that son-of-a-bitch, Shane's, daughter. Because if she had lived she wouldn't be, she'd be Trevor's, blood or not, and he just wants to bury her and forget she exists...269

I won’t let that happen, she’s not just some random child that you hear about on the news; this was my baby god damn it!270

I grab her roughly from the dresser and flee from the house, down the large sloping hill covered in fallen leave and into the dark and barren forest...271

Trevor doesn’t follow.272

My legs are pumping, lungs burning; I am fleeing from that place and the insensitive jerk that doesn’t care. Where should I bury my little Fae, this thought runs through my mind causes tears to well up in my eyes, clouding my vision.273

“Ow!”274

Tripping over a large log I fall head first into a deep ravine…275

When I awaken all around me is dark, I can barely see the green shrubs that surround me. How long had I been laying there?276

My hand flies to my heart and I gasp, where is Fae? I feel all around me but with no prevail.277

My little Fae’s body was gone, forever trapped in a deep dark abysm...278

I try to stand and find that my ankle hurts severely.279

“Fuck...” I let out a little breath I had be holding and sit back down, there is no way I’m climbing out of here like this.280

My name is being called through the trees…281

“Onje!! Onje!!”282

I don’t want to answer; I don’t want to live, I just want to sit here and rot. Everyone would be better off without me around, especially my Trevor. Why could I never do anything right? It’s not fair and I hate it. 283

I hate me.284

“Onje!!”285

The voice calling for me sounds terrified, it sounds worried and in pain. Why sound that way over something as expendable as me?286

I sigh…287

“Trevor!!”288

“Onje!! Where are you baby?”289

“Down here, I hurt my ankle pretty bad!”290

I hear his footsteps crunching on some poor newly fallen leaves, he’s destroying something beautiful just to get to me.291

I’m not worth it.292

He’s getting close, I can smell his cologne and hear his heavy breathing.293

A light is shining on me now, my eyes squint; I hate the light.294

“Onje, baby, I’m gonna get you out of there okay? Just hold on.”295

God that was such a cliché statement. I want to tell him to go back and think of a more creative rescue line, but bite my tongue.296

I feel his hands grab my arms and pull, I try to stand and with my good foot I push against the ravine wall for leverage. We work our way up the wall for a long while, my foot throbbing now that I am moving and my head starts to ache. Trevor looks like he’s having a hard time with it too.297

“Just leave me!” I cry out in desperation, “What’s the point anymore?!”298

Trevor just looks at me and shakes his head.299

“We’ll talk about this after we get out of the hole and back to the house to look at your ankle”300

I sigh deeply, staring into his eyes I can feel the affection he holds for me, his fear of losing me…301

Why did he have to be such a perfect insensitive jerk?302

We struggle up the ravine and over the huge log and then he picks me up. I squeal, I hate being picked up with a passion. He doesn’t speak as he carries me back to my personal house of horrors.303

With great difficulty he opens the doors to hell and trudges down the hallway into my room where he gently places me on my bed.304

“We have to do something Onje, I can’t take this. I won’t let this happen to you again. You’ve been through so much with your dad and Peter…”, his voice cracks at these words. “You quake at my touch and are revolted by my kiss and I won’t let it get where you can’t look at me Onje. I love you and things are hard enough already.”305

I look at him and his deep pools stare back at me with such intensity I can’t breathe. I can hear a rasping noise coming from somewhere, but I don’t know where. I look around searching for the source. Trevor sits next to me and takes me into his comforting arms, stroking my soft blonde hair he mumbles about how everything will be okay. He looks at me and wipes a tear from my face. That’s when I realize the rasping sound is me.306

“I can’t take this Trevor, I just lost a baby... That’s never happened before...”307

Instead of the dark coldness of earlier, his eyes soften and he sighs with a sad tone.308

“I know.”309

He looks at me sadly.310

“What can we do, what will make you happy?”311

I look at him and a great fear settles in my chest…312

“A baby.”313

“Onje, are you sure? This could make your life a lot harder, be positive this is what you want.”314

“You say that like I make such a decision lightly," I say with a bitter flash of anger.315

He nods looking at me softly and with an equally gentle tone he states, “I know.”316

I feel my heart start to race and my stomach starts to flip, I have no clue how I can get through this. He must see it on my face as he kisses my finger tips.317

“I won’t hurt you, I promise.”318

I merely nod, scared out of my mind and in a panic I start to retreat inside of myself. Trevor pulls me to him in a warm embrace.319

“Onje, I need you to stay with me. I’m scared too.”320

I feel myself nod, tears flow down my cheeks, drenching the front of my shirt. He kisses my lips whispering “I love you” in my ear.321

I feel myself heaving, my stomach muscles twitching and turning, contracting and making me feel sick as I concentrate on his hand on my stomach. He lifts my shirt above my head and kisses my collarbone as I start to hyperventilate. My head is swirling out of control and I feel woozy.322

“I won’t hurt you, I promise.”323

And for the first time, I have a willing experience full of tender kisses and promises that should never be broken.324

I awaken the next morning with him still laying next to me, my stomach lurches as I jump from my bed and rush to the bathroom to puke. I must’ve woken him up because when I return to my room he’s sitting up and waiting on me. He looks worried and I immediately feel the terror creep onto my face.325

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” It’s a sincere question, he sounds so worried about it. Like I matter...326

I shake my head as my whole body starts to quake and my head starts to spin.327

“Maybe, maybe this was a bad idea Onje”, He gets up to help me sit down without falling but as soon as he touches me I jerk away and fall to the ground and sob.328

“I-I... I’m not going to hurt you.”329

I lay there thinking as I sob, of course he will hurt me, that’s what he wants, that’s what they all want, he’s trying to confuse me. Twist the reality, what should I do, I can’t trust him, I can’t let him win, I am just his sex puppet, I have no other purpose, why must he confuse me, just get it over with already…330

Whore...
Whore...331

“Onje? Onje? Your bleeding…”332

I stand up, my tear-stained eyes swollen and red. He kisses me on the forehead and I vomit. My fear has over taken me and I know he only wants to hurt me.333

He looks at me full of worry and takes my shivering figure in his protective arms.334

"We shouldn't do this Onje. I'm not ready for a kid. Maybe in 3 or 4 years..."335

His voice cuts through me, paralyzing me.336

How.Could.He.Be.Such.A.Jerk?!337

Tears well up in my eyes, how could he do this to me? My hand grasps my stomach protectively as the empty feeling in my heart grows...338

All I can think about is what if I die tomorrow? What if I never get my chance? What if I am unable to have one? What if Trevor leaves? I want not just a baby, but HIS baby...
I could die in four years and never get to hold a warm bundle in my arms, of hear a first word, or...
These thoughts kill me.339

The one good thing that could come from such torment and it's lost...340

I carried for merely 6 weeks; just long enough for herr little heart to start beating and soul to attach...
But my little baby; my Fae, she must hate me with a passion, she must blame me: not because I lost her, but because she must feel I want to replace her.341

I can't blame her...342

But I feel so very empty; in a way I WANT to die, I don't want to live in the desperate shadow in which I am now confined.
I think of snuggling a warm little baby and taking care of them and protecting them and I want it soooo bad...343

I know he doesn't understand the ache, how could he? But I wish I could show him, show him the horror and the longing; so that even if he didn't change his mind, maybe he would compromise him 3 to 4 year rule. Or at least understand so that I wouldn't feel so alone, so we could plan and look forward to it together.
But no...
I have nothing to live for...
not a single thing in the near future to make me look forward to living.344

It's all Shane's fault, the bastard, I want to kill him for hurting me more than I already have, for making my so much more miserable. When I was little I thought the worst had happened. I had already been raped so many times it was almost normal to me; I thought that's how it was supposed to happen and how I would always be treated.
I still expect Trevor to turn around and hurt me.
but he never does...345

And sometimes to me this seems odd, sometimes his niceness bothers me more than what his meanness would...
He's not supposed to be nice, nobody is not to me...346


“Oh shit.. oh crap!” I exclaim clamoring away from the guy I had allowed to use my body the night before. I’m late for school and I’m lucky my mom didn’t walk in on us because Trevor was supposed to be gone at nine last night. I get dressed as fast as I can and sprint down the hall to my mom’s room.347

Good she’s already gone to work.348

“T-Trevor?” I say trying to steady my voice. ”Can you take me to school?”349

“Onje, maybe you should just stay home today.”350

I shake my head forgetting that he can’t see me in the hall.351

“No I need to go to school, I have to go.”352

I grab my bookbag and race to his truck not waiting for an answer, I know why he doesn’t want me to go.353

He follows behind me slowly, pulling my house door closed, and making his way slowly down the driveway to the truck in which I sit. I feel light headed and slighted nauseated, but I have to go to school. 354

My demons had better run for cover, this little whore puppet’s fighting back.355

Trevor is silent during the fifteen minute drive to my school where he reluctantly lets me out of the vehicle. I charge into my school not bothering to sign in; I wasn’t staying long. I head for the gym, my gut twisting and turning and screaming at me to run.356

I know he’s there.357

I walk into the gym as calmly as my heart will let me and there I face the evil that has tainted me for the last time.358

“Shane," my voice sneers in anger, I wish I felt as confident as I sounded.359

He smiles at me.360

“Come back for more, eh?”361

“You are a bastard!!” I scream brutally at him, ”How dare you hurt me? You have no fucking right to touch me!!!”362

He laughs in my face.363

“It’s not like it’s the first time, huh, Onje?” 364

He walks up to me and strokes my cheek, this sudden movement makes my breath catch in my throat and my heart speed up. The fear wants to win, but this time I won’t let it take control of me. This time I have say so in what happens to me, it won’t be another storybook tragedy. I raise my fist and strike him in his smug little face, the look of arrogance is knocked to the floor. He grabs my wrist and twists it with brutality. My lungs fill up with air and for the first time in a long time I scream for help. He looks shocked.365

“Rape!! Rape!!” I cry these words over and over as my heart jerks from me. If I hadn’t been so scared the look on Shane’s face would’ve been priceless…366

Two years pass that fateful day; I have left my mother and many of my demons behind in the dust of the past...367

And I am just now filling the empty hole in my heart.368

“Ow…” I cry my breathing coming hard and fast.369

“Just breath, Onje, breath.” Trevor says as I grasp his hand in a wrist breaking way.370

“What do you think I am doing?” I snap at him in a playful manner, the pain ripping my stomach becoming stronger and more frequent.371

“Someone get the doctor!!”372

This is the last thing I hear as I pass out from pain, lucky too or Trevor may have lost an arm.373

I awaken hours later, Trevor holding a sweet baby in his hands.374

“Boy of girl?” I gasp as I try to move but find it nearly impossible due to the large cut in my stomach that was stitched up.375

“A boy," he says with a huge grin on his face. I light up with delight, so this was my little Kai Nicoli Luk.376

“Please let me hold him.” 377

My eyes search the blanket for a little face as Trevor approaches me and puts him in my arms. I smile down at the little bundle as he snores ever so softly. He has pouty full lips and wispy blonde hair. His little baby face seems smooshed due to his little pug nose and receded chin. I feel tears of joy well up in my eyes and for the first time in my life I cry for happiness.378

No longer do I quake at Trevor’s touch, or become nauseated by his kisses. Though sometimes I am still afraid and I still feel like a puppet with no use I have struggled to get better, because now I am fighting…379


Fighting Torment…380