Unfamiliar Territory

1

I needed a drink, but I made myself some toast instead. As I devoured the oily glob of peanut butter on my finger I stared at the moth on the wall, waiting for it to flinch. It didn't. I wandered idly out of the kitchen and parked myself in front of the television. I began flicking through the channels but my mind really wasn't on whatever I was watching.2

She has some stupid fixation with me. Doesn't she realise that I pick my nose just like every other guy, look at that, she made me say 'guy'. Still, you've got to admire the girl who sees the beauty in a bread knife.3

"Newsflash: several people killed."4

Good. I clenched my rough hands into tight fists and watched with fascination as they showed millions of people dying on-screen. That's the way I want to go: a man's death, on television. Freak a few people out as well, would a death like that.5

When it got boring I went outside. It was a huge garden and, apparently, beautiful. I practised for sports by hitting a few things really hard with the biggest stick I could find.6

It's not that she wasn't pretty. Don't get me wrong, she was very beautiful. Clever too, I mean, she wasn't stupid. She could be funny sometimes too, in a sarcastic, bitchy kind of way.7

"Hi."8

Now she was beautiful. How many times have I replayed the tones and hues of her voice in my memory? And legs, well, her legs were amazing. But she was far too good for me. I violently threw the stick at the fence and watched it slide down as the fence shuddered against the wall.9

I suppose you'd say it's ridiculous that I even cared what she thought about me. Not the hot one, the beautiful one. But when someone has said they loved you, well, you wonder, don't you? It's been so long since I knew that she wanted me, but, well, she's happy now. She forgot about it, I guess she never loved me after all.10

*11

He never cared about her. I don't know what she saw in him but I loved her. She knew that I loved her and yet she still. But I guess that's where life goes. It takes you to places you don't want to be and doesn't let you move on or settle down.12

And here I am, the place she loved, still thinking about her. There's a certain merit to rhetorical questions, you know, the ones like 'why didn't she love me?'.13

I knew that even if she did fall for me I would never have been satisfied. She would never have stayed in love with me and it would have killed me even if she had.14

Stupid! Stupid, why her? Her of all people? Unfaithful, untrustworthy, unkind. She drew herself so close to me only to puncture me with wounds as she pulled away. I loved her.15

*16

She suddenly stopped, looked me square in the eyes and said: "you always make me laugh".17

I guess I couldn't really take her seriously. She was cute, but, I mean, I didn't know what she wanted from me.18

Well, that wouldn't have been a practical solution anyway.19

So I teased her with the occasional joke about religion and people who eat too many pies. It was fun to watch her: her and her 'me against the world' tirades.20

I was never sure if she wanted more than that from me or not.21

She resented it when I called her fickle, but she was fickle and, as far as I could see, she always would be. Somewhere in her head, there were dreams of fairytale castles and handsome Prince Charmings.22

I could never understand that.23

She liked to think she was different, but she wasn't really. She was just as normal as anybody else but she didn't like to admit it. She was such a tart as well. If she expected anything from me, anything at all, she'd have to stop all the casual flirting. I mean, God, she could flirt with a wall if she felt like it.24

But, regardless, there was something between us.25

I don't know what it was, or even why it was. I only know that it was there. She said she loved me. Maybe she did, I don't think it really mattered to her whether she did or not. I think she just wanted me to say that I loved her too.26