Finally. She was seconds away from death. Her white body, drained of all its blood, was paralyzed on the ground. Zachary flashed back to when he was sired. He remembered how the blood left his veins, shooting out of them to his maker's mouth like fire. The fire of his life had been stolen.1
Zachary looked down at his victim and knew she felt the acidic burn as she lay dying. It was in her eyes. The helplessness, the pain, the regret. But mostly what he could see, and view like nothing else, was the fear. It shot through her lonely blue eyes and into Zachary's, so much so he could feel a hot creeping on his skin.2
'Now is the time' Zachary thought to himself. He reached for the glowing purple gem that hung loosely on a chain around her bloody, crane-like neck. The necklace came off with a slight popping sound. Excitement ran through Zachary as he witnessed this amazing thing. He was actually holding the amethyst in his hand. He would at last be able to return to the way he once was. Suddenly a clap of thunder was heard over the alleyway. Lightening flashed across the sky as if it were a sort of brutal omen. 3
A flock of cawing birds flew overhead. Then, he felt it again. The gem was burning in his hand, slowly but surely. He let go of the amethyst and saw it drop through the air and onto Julia's bare stomach where her shirt had pulled up. It did absolutely nothing to her skin. He stared, amazed. He breathed in angrily, quickly, in and out. Looking the girl up and down, he knelt down next to her. His eyes were full of fury. He covered the stone and the girl's stomach with his hand so he was touching both. In this time, he fully expected his palm to turn to ash and simply blow away. It did not. Instead it tingled from the girl's body temperature which was now slowly decreasing. 4
Like the lightening roaming above, something struck in Zachary's mind; an epiphany. The girl, something in her creation, had to do with how he was going to get his hands on the amethyst once more. And he would finally be able to stop living like a filthy undead. 5
The idea of it all gave him strength. He tore at his forearm with his fangs, knowing what he should do. The warm blood Zachary had stolen ran down his alabaster skin. He looked at Julia. She was still alive. With his right arm he lifted Julia up off the ground until she was wobbling on her feet, still within his grip. The girl's eyes involuntarily rolled to the back of her head. With his free hand, Zachary skimmed his fingers over her almost translucent chest and collarbone. He realized for the first time that she was beautiful. 6
Slowly, Zachary lifted her head to his arm like a master would control a puppet. As soon as Julia's limp lips touched the blood on Zachary's arm, her eyes shot open. The whites of them were glowing with a certain fierce light. It was an instinct, a need that took over what was left of Julia's mind. Her thoughts were now in another place.7
Zachary could feel her teeth biting into his flesh. The blood that had been his for only a short while was returning to her. However, this was a pain Zachary was not used to. It had been decades since he had had the blood sucked from his own body. It seemed like an eternity has passed he had sired another, that rare goddess of a vampire. His body writhed as he felt that tingle of fire flow through him. It was far less painful than what this victim of his had experienced, but he was miles away from relaxed.8
Julia could feel her heart pounding. She didn't know where she was or what she was doing. She didn't have the capacity to fathom it. But she knew she couldn't stop whatever was happening to her. She didn't want the constant strong beating of her heart to go away, this energy. It couldn't stop, it had to continue like this. If not...9
'No' Zachary thought as the pain was getting stronger. Almost all of the blood was gone from his body and his arm was shriveling up like that of a cadaver. He felt a tightness in his lungs and a burn throughout his limbs. This girl was latched onto him completely, rocking back and fourth to the rhythm of the heartbeat she was hearing deep within her head. Her hands clasped onto Zachary's arm. Her teeth forcefully sunk into the gash he had created. On instinct, Zachary placed his hand underneath the girl's jaw and forced her away powerfully, but not enough to harm her. 10
Zachary panted and fell back against the brick wall of the alleyway. His eyes were unyielding and glued to Julia, watching her every move. 11
Julia breathed in sharp gasps as she hunched over, backing away. Zachary suddenly saw tears falling from her eyes. Julia let out a deep, painful wail that echoed down the dark alleyway. It was as if all the joy she had ever felt in life was gone. The wail grew sharper and more intense until Julia was screaming. She was in pain, and Zachary knew it. He stood, holding himself up against the brick wall and watched with interest as the girl fell to her knees. 12
There would be no use telling her that she was dying. She was too consumed by pain. Zachary pitied her for a moment. Just a moment. Julia stood on her hands and knees as her body convulsed. She soon fell over onto the hard cement ground. She gasped for air and made gargling sounds. She retched up the blood she had recently taken from Zachary. She clenched her stomach and continued to gasp for air. "Her body is shutting down..." Zachary whispered to himself. 13
With blood dripping down her mouth, making it's way over her face and neck, the girl convulsed once more. With one last gasp for breath, her legs sprawled out and her arms loosely by her side, she died.14
All seemed too silent as Zachary looked at his sire. She lay lifeless on the ground, covered in the blood they had shared. Her clothes were damp, cold, and ripped. Her auburn hair was tangled, caked with blood in places. It would have been a pitiful sight if she were not to wake up once more.15
Zachary gathered his thoughts as her stared at her. Weak though he was, he needed to get her back to the mausoleum. He contemplated the idea of leaving her body there for a little while to go feed first. He quickly dismissed the idea, knowing that she could awaken at any time; and suppose he wasn't there when she did. It would be a certain fiasco if humans took her body away before he returned. 16
Groggily, Zachary walked over to where Julia lay. He closed her eyes with care as he knelt down. Making sure one hand was on Julia at all times, he took the gem from the ground and placed it securely in Julia's collar. Then, he lifted her body up and cautiously took her into his arms, like a parent to its child. Starting at a running pace, Zachary made his way down the alley with Julia tucked safely in his arms. He jumped onto a fence and then from roof to roof throughout the pitch black night. Never a mortal eye witnessed him.17
After a short time, he landed on the stone roof of his mausoleum. He jumped down swiftly onto the soft grass. Julia lay limp in his arms. Zachary shoved the heavy stone door open with all the strength he could muster. With fresh blood in him, this would not have been a difficult task at all. 18
Zachary saw his way around the inside of the mausoleum through the darkness. He could see just as though he was outdoors or was holding a lamp. Quickly, he found a tomb with a smooth marble top to the right of the entrance door. This is where he immediately set the girl's body. Zachary paused and looked at her. The curls of her hair set a silhouette around her face. There was blood on it still. 19
The vampire went further back into the room where the smell of mold was strong in the air. He found a bucket that he used to collect rainwater that would drop through the ceiling cracks. Tearing off one of the cuffs of his jacket sleeve, he dipped it in the water and gently wrung it out. After walking back to Julia's sleeping body, he took the damp cloth and wiped the blood off of her face and neck. Her gashes were healing quickly. 20
Carefully, he removed her clothes that were torn and soiled with blood and dirt. He then threw them into a heap next to the door. All that was left was her bare skin, glowing, nearly as pale as his own. She radiated a great beauty, even in death. Zachary reached out a hand, wanting to touch her sacred skin. Oh, how she reminded him of-21
Suddenly, a smell wafted into the air. His hand abruptly stopped moving. It was the distinct, salty, poignant smell of human. Male. And he was alone, right outside the mausoleum. He could finally feed, and he would not have to go far. He took one final look at the girl. Zachary opened the door once more and left swiftly for the cemetery, knowing he would return quickly, satiated once more.
Author notes
Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading!
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Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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P10: ""No" Zachary thought"--Previously you used single quotations (') to indicate thought.
P20: Nothing to correct here, really. It's just a bit awkward; especially the first sentence...thought it was worth noting...
I really like this. You write fantastically and your characters are interesting. The story has progressed well from the last installment.
And I'm glad your vampire doesn't sparkle. That's never cool.


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I actually just revised paragraphs 19 and 20... I think it's better. Maybe...
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Maybe it's just me, but it seems now that Zachary is falling in love...Was that in the original paragraphs? I didn't pick up on it, if it were.
"room, into the dark recess."--lol. You're going to hate me. But, if he can see as if there's light inside the mausoleum, would 'dark recess' be useful? You know, it's good either way, because it obviously would be dark in said area, but not to him and you're writing through his point of view. Maybe I'm just looking too far into it... -
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No no, I know what you're saying. I wasn't writing from Zachary's point of view, but I have in some parts. I can see how that would be awkward to read...
Did you pick up on Zachary falling in love from just those 2 paragraphs or from the chapter as a whole? Well, I shouldn't say "picking up on" because that's not exactly what he's doing. It'll become more clear in later chapters. Once I write them.
Haha, thanks for helping me with this. I didn't mean to make you my personal editor lol. ^_^"
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Wow, I totally didn't realize I was using different quotations, haha. That problem is now fixed.

And you're right. That paragraph is really awkward. I'll get onto revising that. I think I was just having trouble describing his movement around the maosoleum.
I'm very glad you like this! I was just coming on here to read my first 3 chapters because I was thinking of writing more, so that works I guess haha.
And no way my vampires would ever sparkle. Or go out into the sun. I mean seriously, wtf? Vampires BURN in the sun. Come on. I'm very anti-Twilight, pro-Anne Rice. Well, her pre-christian writing anyway...
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You are a very talented writer. Everything you described I could see. I would love to read this as a book, I think you would do very well. You have enough originality in it to show creativity, and enough 'common' knowlage that any non-vampire fan could understand it.
I think you did a great job. No huge errors.
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Thank you for the kind comment.
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Aw this is good. I caught some minor mistakes, like in the first paragraph it should be, "HAD BEEN stolen", or "was stolen".
I loved the imagery you used to set the feeling with the sudden movement of the birds and such. The ending was a little unstatisfying, however the overall idea has rly caught my interest.

beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 2, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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Thank you for the comments. I was struggling with that one sentence, I'm glad you made a suggestion.
I know the ending was a little strange. This wasn't really the end of the chapter. I just didn't have the time to post all of chapter 2 in one shot coincidentally.
Once again, thanks for the help.
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