Sophia noticed the journal lying open on the desk as she vacuumed. Malcolm had told her to leave it alone. The idea of the journal, at his psychiatrist's behest, was so that Malcolm might release some of his internalizations. Malcolm held everything in, everything, even little things that do not matter to most people. Sophia touched the edge of the page gently; she very much wanted to know what he was letting out. 1
Her eyes moved slowly over the room. Where was Malcolm anyway? Ah, yes, asleep, as usual. She was really glad the doctor made a diagnosis, and Malcolm was finally getting some help, but the medications were hard for her to deal with. She shook her head as she eased the journal off the desk. It was not the medications she had trouble with, but the side effects, especially the Seroquel.2
She turned to the first page."Deviant, dark and brooding, a torrent of racing thoughts half formed or realized after a great deal of effort. The thoughts come easily enough but shift so rapidly." She read aloud.3
"What was pleasure is now an agonized existence." Tears threatened as she read. "Emotions are not possible and will never be again."4
She had no idea Malcolm had felt this way. In fact, she had no idea how he felt about anything anymore. The first entry was dated July 9. That was before Malcolm had been diagnosed. The journal was originally an outlet for the dreams Malcolm had been having. But these entries were not dreams. He had created a narrative of his feelings, or lack of.5
She and Malcolm had been together four years, though they had been friends almost fifteen years. Malcolm had always been bold, outgoing and adventurous. He was very intelligent and one of the brightest students in their high school. 6
He was now twenty-two and a very different person. Just after he turned nineteen he began to change. It was subtle at first, refusal to go out as often. Anger that seemed directed at no one and everyone at the same time. He started to keep odd hours and would sleep for hours and hours on end.7
Sophia looked back at the pages. "Racing thoughts that are half formed." She remembered that well. He had started complaining he could not keep his thoughts that they raced by only to be stolen away.8
"...writing of a fevered pitch. The words flow creativity is endless." A contradiction? No, not at all. Malcolm did have periods where he would write. He would write and he would not stop.9
It was as though he were automatic pilot during those times. But the writing was not creative as he put it but detached and fragmented. The figments of a mind that was sick and damaged. "At least when he is writing he was able to communicate with me." 10
She closed the journal unable to endure anymore. She placed it carefully upon the desk. He would not notice she closed it. He would not remember writing in it. His medication had been upped again. She held her breath, listening. A thud, then another coming from the living room. 11
She ran into the bedroom. Malcolm was gone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath preparing herself. "Malcolm, what is wrong?" she asked, hoping she sounded curious enough to get his attention without sounding to afraid.12
Malcolm growled a deep guttural sound from the back of his throat. Sophia hated it when he did that. It was so...primordial. "That smell. It is driving me crazy. If you won't do anything about it I will."13
"What smell?" Sophia asked quietly.14
"Death." he said as he continued to knock holes in the wall and tear away at the sheetrock. 15
"You mean something dead? A dead animal or something?" Sophia had been frightened and confused by his behavior. She did not smell anything but the pine cleaner she had used on the kitchen floor.16
"I mean death. It is near, it is coming. The beasts screaming in my head. Outrage and pain. Two years in the tortured, vile workings of my mind. “He said, his demeanor remaining exactly the same. There was no urgency or fear in his voice. There was nothing but that monotone. Sophia rushed into the den and called Dr. Fenton.17
"Doctor Fenton, it's Sophia Spence. Malcolm is having a very bad episode. He claims he smells death." She paused as the doctor spoke. She could hear her husband tearing at the wall.18
"Yes, I understand. I'll get his things ready. Olfactory hallucination." she nodded though the doctor could not see her. "I'll be ready. I will, doctor. I will be careful." she disconnected the call and set the phone back into the charger gingerly. 19
She went into the bedroom and began to pack Malcolm's things. She considered the pistol her father kept in his closet. It would be easy to slip it out of his house. Malcolm would soon be taken care of, for awhile, longer if she could get the courage to do what she had too. "What was pleasure is now an agonized existence." she whispered mirroring his feelings. "But Sophia, you can end your suffering. Malcolm will never be allowed to."20
She heard the ambulance in front of the house and knew what she had to do. Her father's pistol would remain where it was, and Malcolm would have someone to share his suffering, whether he knew it or not.21
Author notes
I live with a man who is schizophrenic. When it is good it's great but when it's bad it can be scary and difficult. This story is based on some past experiences we have had. He does have a journal and the thoughts conveyed in the story above are things he wrote. I asked if was okay, so I didn't have to try and get inside his head. *too scared to*
A contest entry
- mEnTaL kAlEiDoScOpE {W/i/t/h O/p/t/i/o/n/s} by Be.Your.Own.Hero.
550 points, ended December 3, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything! by NinjaMegami.
180 points, ended November 28, 2008, 34 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Hi there
I enjoyed your short story as it had a very real sense of realism about it - and I read your notes at the end which confirmed it. I have written a fair number of comments below - mostly on matters of grammar. I hope you don't mind - but I think there are a couple of fundamentals in writing dialogue you need to polish up. Also, I wrote those comments without realising that some of the sentences come from a real journal - so if any issues are raised about grammar within quotes from the journal, please ignore, unless you feel otherwise.
Aside from the realistic feel to the story, the most impressive aspect to your story is your build up of tension. It started rather mildly, with a domestic scene, and then the tension lights up a bit with the realisation that the journal revealed more than what she understood her husband's condition to be - at least that is how I felt when I read it. Then he gets aggressive and introduces the smell of death - masterful stroke really, because it adds mystery and possibly even paranormal possibilities. And then the gun - again masterful - the gun is the symbol of HER state of being. It was a watershed point. I was wondering if she was going to do something desperate. The tension was at its height at that point.
Finally, her epiphany. A description of true love without even using the word. Subtle - and beautifully crafted.
Overall I think you wrote a touching and thought-proving piece.
I offer the following comments (as foreshadowed). This is minor, in my view, but I suggest you work on grammar - particularly in the area of punctuation.
para 1 - the emphasis of 'everything' - needs punctuation to suit - perhaps hyphens instead of commas?
para 3. Last sentence - did you mean to make an isolated statement, or was this meant to clarify the dialogue?
para 6 - don't need the second use of "years".
para 7 - seond sentence needs to be clearer - perhaps "It was subtle at first: a refusal to go out as often."
para 8 - last sentence needs punctuation.
para 10 - "he were" should be "he was on". comma after "put it".
para 11 - comma after "journal". Perhaps "on" instead of "upon".
para 15 - comma after "he said".
para 17 - I don't think you need to say "He said"- it is plain in this context. Suggest saying "Malcolm's doctor" instead of "Dr. Fenton" - to avoid repetition in next para.
para 19 - "though" should be "even though". The first instance of "she" should be "She". Same again in the last sentence.
para 20 - should be "What was pleasure is now an agonized existence," she whispered, mirroring his feelings.
Thanks for allowing me to read your work.
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Thanks so much for all your comments and suggestions. I appreciate them so much. Anything offered helps me learn.
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my pleasure!
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Sometimes I know it. Sometimes the very fabric of reality tears away and the inner workings of my diseased mind are exposed. Dearest Ami, you have excelled in your descriptions of the fear and worry you feel daily. I only regret I am the cause of them.
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Very interesting and emotional. That would be so terrifying to have your brain just go off in its own direction. The journal sounds like a good idea, but reading it later would be hard.
I'm glad she decided to stay and be with him through his pain.
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Yeah, I imagine it is very scary. I know the end of the person seeing the distress and pain of the schizophrenic. The journal is hard to read. It is hard knowing how he feels...or doesn't feel sometimes.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
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Wow
"What was pleasure is now an agonized existence." Tears threatened as she read. "Emotions are not possible and will never be again."
language: 5.
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Thanks. I wish I could take credit for that, but, Nick actually wrote that in a journal entry.
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Well done and nicely written, the scenes are vivid and the emoitions come through enough to engage the reader.
beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for taking the time to read it and comment.
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Dropped in for another read on behalf of the group
Also figured while I was here that I would point out a few places needing correction if you didn't mind
I still love this powerful write, even the second time around
P12: "Malcolm, what is wrong?" she asked, hoping she sounded curious enough to get his attention without sounding to afraid.
sounding too afraid
P15: "Death." he said..
comma after "Death" instead of a period
P19: she nodded though the doctor could not see her.
capitalize the 's' in she
P19: she disconnected the call and set the phone back into the charger gingerly.
capitalize the 's' in she
P20: ...longer if she could get the courage to do what she had too.
to (not 'too')
P20: "What was pleasure is now an agonized existence." she whispered mirroring his feelings.
change the period after experience into a comma instead
That's it- just minor, easy-to-make type errors that even I catch myself doing all the time. Hope you didn't mind the suggestions Great, emotional read still 
I'm glad you shared this with the group!
Pixie
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Ohhh thanks for helping me with those. You are awesomely awesome!
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Thought this sounded familiar and it was
Again, though, I was drawn into the story. Thanks for bringing it back so I could read in again.
Brooke -
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Aww! Thanks Brooke.
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this is really really good. im schizophrenic, & it this is perfect for how i act and feel and all. thanks for writing this. & for being there for him. i can imagine it is hard, but its hell when there is no one there.
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whoah. can't believe I haven't read this yet. It's an amazing write full of powerful emotion and trying to get the reader to understand more. thank you for sharing this. Great work at writing this out as well.
saw a couple typos.. but no biggie.
Thanks for sharing.
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Typos? Ick! I will look it over thanks!
Thanks for the awesome comments. I wish more people would try harder to understand. You met Nick, more or less, he is awesome when he is lucid and his meds are working.
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woah. Thank you for writing this, and thank your husband for allowing you to use it. While I dont know people who are medically diagnosed- I understand that any disease as it's tough points.
It was very enlightening to read this, and I think if more people could; then maybe everyone would be a little more tolerant of each other.
Please, check out Lyr's work. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you. -
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Thank for the awesome comments. I do wish more people would be aware of the plight of others. NOt just the mentally ill but anyone who has to struggle to survive. PM me and link me to Lyr?
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Wow...that was extremely emotional and powerful. I love how you blended the journal entries with the narrative plot although watch out for the commas. Sometimes, you may have used them too much. Sometimes, replacing the commas with fullstops, if appropriate, gives the meaning a strong impact. Eg.
"...Malcolm might release some of his internalizations. Malcolm held everything in, everything, even little things..."
"...held everything in. Everything, even little things..."
That's what I mean. There are some paragraphs that could replace the commas with fullstops. It gives it more 'emphasis'. Well, that's what I feel anyway.
Great story!
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 1, characters: 5.
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Thanks for the awesome comment and the tips. I see what you mean about the emphasis. Thanks again!
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I live with my partner who suffers bi-polar and has some issues with his mental state, my sister is autistic and I have a friend who is schizophrenic so I know the great pressure that can come with the living with someone with such an illness.
At times it feels like despair is all there is, but other times even in moments of simplicity you realize that these people are humans as well and deserve the same love and respect also support.
I think you did a beautiful job and my heart is with you.
blair
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Thank you, that means so much. You are quite an amazing person. I know a couple of people with bipolar, my cousin's niece was diagnosed at 14. *hugs you* I have seen some of what her parents go through with her.
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OMG
This was an emotional rollercoaster. The journal entries and how you tied them into your story were brilliant. You definately are a talented writer as well as your husband.
I really don't know much about schizophrenia and am on my way to google to get informed. I applaud you for standing by the man you love. It is definately true love that binds your hearts. I also applaud him for getting through each day one day at a time.
(wipes tears!! you have definately touched me today with this piece hon.)
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Thank you! Nick IS my heart. I'd be lost without him. *hugs* You are so awesome.
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Wow, this piece was amazing! It really resonates and makes me see how difficult it can be for someone in the situation that Sophia is in. I really enjoyed this piece and I'm sorry that you had to live through similar experiences, I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must be.
-Also thanks for your comment on my piece, it's much appreciated.
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Thanks for the comment. The upside is Nick is a brilliant man and will be a great published writer eventually.
Your story was a pleasure to read. I can't wait for more. I am very curious about the beings that can't go out in the daylight.
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Awesome
This was a wonderful story. I was completely captivated. My cousin was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, so I know a little about the behaviour of those afflicted with it, and the suffering of those who love them. This was an incredibly heartfelt story, and all the more amazing given that it has a basis in reality. Great work!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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this is really well written and engaging. it must be a hard situation but probably worth it since you are still in it. great job with this piece though
-gibson -
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Thanks for reading it and your kind comments. It is hard but when he is completely with me mentally, it is very worth it. lol
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Well, I stopped hoping to help but found I was to drawn into the story. Wow, must have been really stressful at times. But I am glad you can write about it.
Good luck in the contest.
Brooke
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Aww! Thanks. I can be stressful at times, scary too. But when he is lucid it somehow seems worth all the stress.
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Needs applause.=)
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Amazing.
I know someone--a friend--who suffers from that, they can't control their thoughts...they feel despair. There's no rest, always worry. Extreme paranoia....I can relate to your story. It was well-written with much fluidity. The characters were very vivid. I felt for them both in different ways. -
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Thanks for the review and applause!
When I was a kid my uncle's brother-in-law was a paranoid schizophrenic. So when Nick, my husband, was first diagnosed I thought I knew what to expect. Boy was I wrong. The guy I grew up around was paranoid, and though Nick sometimes has instances of paranoia he is catatonic schizophrenic. The first time he had a catatonic episode I was scared to death.
I'm sorry your friend is going through this. It can be hard especially in the beginning when the symptoms are just starting to show, and they are slowly becoming someone else. Someone you don't know.
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