Croissants; a breakfast made in heaven.

I could not believe it, I was 370 kilograms. That had to be a world record. The doctor took one last look at the scale, as though he didn’t believe his eyes, but no, it was right 370 kilo’s. I shifted off the scales and waddled to the chair opposite, I knew there was no hope of me fitting on, but at least it would partially support me. 1

The doctor looked at me apprehensively as I sat down, I knew what was on his mind, and would I break the chair? It was hard to tell, but it wouldn’t be the first time it had happened. I actually couldn’t remember how many times it had happened lately; the thought frightened me, well just a little. 2

“Jimmy” Doctor Shrew said. “You really have a problem with your weight. If we don’t get some of this weight off you soon, your heart could face serious problems, as could you. Jimmy you are morbidly obese, you do know what that means don’t you?” and before I even had a chance to reply, the doctor looked at me sternly but with care and said “Jimmy, you could die. And I mean quite soon. We have to get your weight down”3

I could hear everything the doc was saying, but honestly I couldn’t really take it in. I’d always been a bit chubbier as a child and just assumed that it was my destiny, to be slightly larger than everyone else and hey, at least it made me stand out a bit. 4

I nodded at the doc and looked down toward my feet; my eyes were greeted with the massive bulge that had a stomach in there somewhere. It’s weird, because even though I knew it was me, it still felt like someone else’s body. 5

“Jimmy I’m serious, you need to loose weight or you will die. This is no joke. For years you have been growing and growing, but now is the time to change; now you really have to do something about it. You can’t delay it any longer. Jimmy, I don’t want to bury you. Your mother has had enough loss already, think of her, and think of your sisters. What good are you to them? This must change” 6

I sat there as Doctor Shrews’ words washed over me, literally washed over me, practically in one ear and out the other. Before I left he handed me some diet pills and adv to take two; three times a day.7

“Don’t take more than that now Jimmy, you could give yourself a heart attack”8

As I left the office, Doctor Shrew patted me on shoulder; he held his hand there for a second and gave me a slight squeeze, while staring into my eyes. It felt like he was piercing my soul, trying to wedge his words in there and through their power alone, save me. 9

I sat up in bed with a start, my heart was pounding and I felt last night’s dinner rising to my throat. I had had another of those dreams, where I am walking along and all of a sudden I get a sharp pain down my right arm; we all know what that’s the tell tale sign for, and then yep, you guessed it, I have a heart attack. 10

Before I even have a chance to try and go back to sleep, my alarm starts buzzing. Its 6:15 and time to get up for my walk. My doc would have you think that he was the reason for me starting to walk, but he definitely wasn’t. It was his suggestion, but it was me who followed it through. I love walking in the park early of a morning; when the fog’s still rising off the grass and only the keen walkers or sprinters are out there. 11

I have my usual path, but some days, just for an adventure, I’ll walk it the opposite way. That has to be on a really good day because it means an extra walk to get to the start, which is where I’d usually finish. Than after my walk I head to the cafe just over the road and get 3 egg and bacon croissants and a coffee. Doctor Shrew warned me off having so many off those, but I just can’t seem to resist; the taste of the butter filled pastry and the crackle of the freshly fried bacon, the way the yolk of the egg runs down my chin and I can feel it all warm and gooey and how sometimes, later on, I like to eat it.12

This morning the air is unusually colder and my hands are freezing as I start my walk, I stuff them into my pockets as I start my usual path, opting for a quicker option today. I watch females after female sprinting past me. Slender legs, flat stomachs and small breasts held in my restricting sports bras. A few years ago, the sight of slender females jogging would have made me hard, I would have yearned for them and known that I still could have stood a chance. Now I still slightly yearn for them but no there’s no chance: of them falling for me or going hard, but at least I have food. 13

Food has seemed to replace every void in my life. Everything that’s missing can be replaced by food; the absence of food is the absence of life. 14

I quicken my pace as I notice I have slowed to a very slow stroll; I swing my arms like the fitness trainer showed me; I exhale in and out, deeply and meaningfully. I try to push myself a little harder today, try to break a sweat even in this coldness, try to burn off just a little of yesterdays meal. 15

The truth is that I don’t really care about burning anything off..I made an agreement with myself that I don’t care if I die, as long as I can eat. If I die, having eaten everything that I wanted to, I’ll die a happy man.16

After half an hour my morning walk is finished. I head towards the bakery excited for my breakfast. Croissants…ahh the heaven of my existence. As I get closer to the bakery I can smell them beckoning to me, I see a friend walking from the bakery, eyes closed mouth curled around his croissant. I smile, knowing that soon that will be me. I am so excited by now that I count my steps until I get there, one, two….17

Thunk….18

“Shit, call an ambulance. He’s having a heart attack”19

I wake up to blackness and beeping. I look around me and see the view of the city, so many lights and advertising signs. I always have been so fond of China. Even after my world trips with my parents, I was always happy to come home to China. The one thing that I had never been able to cope with was Chinese food. It’s so bizarre I know. Everything else about this country feels like a well worn shoe, like it fits to perfection, but the food was something that I could never quite stomach, even before our first move to America, I struggled to eat only Chinese food. But once I was in that fast food country I developed a strong passion for deep fried, oily food, or rich pastries. I was that kid that got home from school and raided the pantry for an endless supply of crisps, cakes and lollies. Always stuffing my face, my already slightly larger frame just grew and grew. My parents never seemed to mind as long as I was ‘happy’ and doing well at school, but look where I’d ended up now, a morbidly obese Chinese man attached to a heart monitor with his life on the line. All because I’m a Chinese man who doesn’t like Chinese food and my body just doesn’t seem to metabolise Western food as well as it could, besides, I guess I am slightly addicted now. 20

As I lay in bed I contemplate my future and whether or not I’ll make it through. A sense of peace floats through me as I realise that I can, I can do this, and I can get fit and healthy and loose weight. Maybe even become a Chinese man who likes Chinese food. I start remembering flashbacks of my childhood and how happy I was with my parents, the three of us, one big happy team playing at the snow, in the park…happy. All of a sudden I get this weird sensation like something in my body is going thump, thump, something feels twisted, constricted, but I feel too far away to react. I am floating on a fluffy white cloud, buoyed by white light and tenderness. I let myself drift, drift and slip into a deep sleep. When I wake I will be fit and healthy.21

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep22

“He’s coding, I need some help in here” Screamed a slender young Asian Nurse. And as everyone rushed in to save me I just watched from above, sure that I would still wake up.23