Strutting on The Edge

He stood behind a tree and watched me. He loved doing that when he thought I wasn't looking. So I put on my act, of playing around innocently and looking cute until he was forced to forfeit. 1

"Boo!" He popped out and wrapped his lanky arms around me.2

"You know I am going to get a heart attack some day from you." Laughter burst through him like sunlight. He was always so easy to please.3

"As much as I want to stay, I have something to get to. But let's hang out later. I've been meaning to talk to you." 4

"Alright Mr. See you later. But no more creeping up on me." There was that smile again, that never fails to rise at any sort of a crack at a joke I make.5

I watched him walk away, his footprints making a trail in the snow, and fell against a snow bank. Days like this were so enjoyable; lazing around on the first snow fall, flirting with my boyfriend of three months. I felt like the star of a teen movie. Days like these were trivial, I knew, and better spent on something productive. But there was something so exciting about living a life -even if just for a moment- that I had always deemed perfect.6

Later I went inside, made tea, and watched my favorite show. I had a lot of work to do, but I was much to energetic for the boring lull of text books. Afterwards I did some crunches so that I wouldn't feel completely lazy. Besides, my boyfriend, Josh, was coming over soon, and I wanted my stomach to look as flat as possible. Especially since my parents weren't going to be home, and that probably meant he'd be seeing a lot of me. I was just finishing my last set when the phone rang.7

"Helloo?" I sang to the other end. No answer. "Heloo-o." Still no answer. I supposed it was a wrong number and didn't bother with being curious. It was getting dark outside and I began to wonder where Josh was. It was unlike him to wait this late to come over. But two more hours passed and I was getting frustrated. After rolling my phone around in my hand and wondering if calling him would be too needy, I dialed his number. 8

"Hello? ...just kidding! I'm not here! Leave a message and hopefully I'll get back to you." I hated that answering machine because it tricked me every time. Except this time his phone wasn't even on and it went straight to the machine, so I knew it was off. It's rare for Josh to leave his phone off. I thought about calling his home, but his mom didn't like me very much. So I didn't bother.9

I went to my room and stood before my mirror. I marked my days by thin days and fat days, and today was a thin day. I had only eaten 850 calories and I was proud of myself. Josh said he loved me no matter how I looked, but I knew better. Guys like girls better skinny. Furthermore, I like me better skinny. I made a model-face and strutted around my room. I teased my hair, put on some lipstick and marched up and down the hallway like it was a runway. Modeling had always been a secret aspiration of mine, so I spent a lot of time doing this. Besides, it was a good way to pass time.10

Being young and beautiful is bitter-sweet. It's sweet because everything is handed to you on a silver platter. But it's bitter because deep down you know it won't last. Because sooner or later, no matter how much plastic surgery you get, how many creams you use, and how much you stay out of the sun, you will get wrinkly and old. I guess that's all the more reason to enjoy it while you have it. I looked at the mirror again and smiled. Maybe modeling isn't so far-fetched after all.11

The phone rang again. Finally, I thought, Josh was calling. 12

"Hello?"13

"Hello, am I speaking to Lauren Tibell?"14

"Yes, this is she." The man on the other end sounded unfamiliar and stern. It was probably a politician or a salesman. 15

"Lauren, this is Officer Gendrin. I am afraid I have some bad news. Your friend Josh was in an accident a few hours ago."16

"Is he ok? Where is he?" I got my keys and headed to the front door.17

"He was pronounced dead on the scene." He was pronounced dead on the scene; it sounded foreign to me. 18

"No, you must have made a mistake. Josh is a careful driver." My voice was shaking and I could barely get out my words.19

"Lauren, I am sorry for your loss. But you need to know it was quick and painless. He probably died in a matter of minutes; he was gone by the time we arrived on scene." I wanted to cry, but stayed silent. "Do you know the number of his family? His phone died before I could call them."20

"Wait- how did you get this number?"21

"You were the last number he called."22

"But he hasn't called me today. Are you sure?"23

"Yes. His phone says that he called your number a few minutes before we arrived on scene. You didn't talk to him earlier?"24

"No. I mean, the phone rang but nobody was on the other end.." I suddenly came to a shocking conclusion. Had Josh called me after the accident? While I was too bothered to think it was anything but a wrong number, while I was prancing around in front of my mirror, while I was too vain to call his house and talk to his mother, was he trying to reach me in his fleeting moments? "Do you think.."25

"Lauren, there was nothing you could have done. I am sorry."26

I drove to his mothers house after she had heard the news. I cried black, mascara tears, and wiped my nose on her shoulder. I stayed there for hours, and sobbed. Later, when we could finally talk again, we discussed the "what ifs". What if he had only taken a different route, what if one of us had driven him, what if the roads were not so icy. Would he still be here?27

I stayed late into the early morning and drove myself home. I didn't get out of bed for days. My mom was worried and signed me up for therapy. I went, but it didn't make a difference. It just didn't seem fair to me that Josh, so kind, so happy all of the time, could die so soon. And the self absorbed bitch, who was looking in the mirror and strutting down the hall, is still here. I thought my life was perfect, when really it was glass balancing, teetering, and ready to fall and shatter. 28

His mother killed himself a few years later. Deep down I expected it; she had been depressed for a long time and on different drugs. Josh was the only bright spot in her shadow of a life. He was the last thing keeping her here. I was jealous at first, of her ability to give in and let go. I sometimes thought that killing myself would be the ultimate avoidance of the emotional pain I would go through, and thus an easy way out. But for some reason I could never do it.29

Every time there is a snowfall, I think of him. Every time someone scares me, I hear his laugh. Every time the phone rings, I feel guilty for not being more concerned during the hours leading up to his death. I will probably never stop hating myself; it should have been me. But I am not his mother and, while Josh was one of the brightest spots in my life, I am not going to disappear into the dark. I will make new light.30