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*_Entry 12
_*Today we finally left the city of Kipal and entered the vast grasslands that Vamar is known for. This is my favorite part of our caravan's yearly journey across Vamar. I love the vastness of the plains and the freedom I feel here. I spent most of the day working on some wood carvings for trade. The people of the plains value objects made of wood because it is so scarce and much of the wood brought out for trade must be used for construction only. During out afternoon trading stop at a small village I practiced with my sword. It's great to finally have my own real sword to practice with, not a pathetic wooden one like I'd used until now. Many of the other young men taunt me about my sword practicing. They don't understand why I bother. To them the only weapon one needs is a bow and arrow to hunt with, but I have heard too many threats of danger from the south and east so I continue to practice with my sword. A very odd thing happened today. As we were stopping to make camp for the night a girl approached the caravan. She was not from Vamar, that was for sure. She did not possess the pitch black hair and clear blue eyes that are attributes of almost all Vamarians. Instead, she had straight, short blue hair and very deep green eyes and her ears had a slight point to them that she covered up quickly when she saw me staring. She had a certain loneliness in those deep green eyes. She seemed very shy and quiet but after a few words with my father he allowed her to join our caravan for this part of the journey.3
*_Entry 24
_*Today I discovered that the girls name is Aleen. That's all I learned of her though. She was very resistant to my mother's questioning about where she was from and how she got out here on the plains of Vamar all by herself. She was always glancing around nervously, like she was afraid of something. I wonder if she has been on her own for awhile. During the afternoon trading stop today I overheard some of the other girls taunting her while I was practicing with my sword. I felt some pity for her but did not intervene, after all, I got bothered by the others enough just for practicing with my sword. Aleen just took their insults and comments silently and went about with the chores my mother had given her. It hurt me to see how cruel my own people could be to someone who looked so sad and lonely. I think if they bother her again I will help her.5
*_Entry 36
_*Today the taunting commenced again because Aleen refused to say anything about her past. The girls would accuse her of having committed immoral acts of which I will not speak and being abandoned by her own people. I thought about going over to defend her but some of the other young men who saw me watching began to taunt me about being attracted to a freak who had probably been cast out by her own people and told me that I should be out hunting for the caravan. So, I decided to go hunting with the other men instead. My decision not to help Aleen weighed heavily on me all day until the guilt was almost unbearable. When I noticed her sitting alone this evening away from the camp fires I decided to try and talk to her. I told her that I knew what the other girls were saying to her and that I was sorry that I nor anyone else had stopped them. She just continued to blankly stare at the ground but I felt better about apologizing. She didn't seem like someone who was immoral or had done anything wrong but it seemed like she had been through many ordeals.7
*_Entry 48
_*Today the taunting commenced but I decided I wasn't going to tolerate it this time. When the girls started up I marched over and started yelling at them for being so cruel to someone who was a guest in my father's caravan and that they were a disgrace to our people. It was more effective than I thought it would be because they just glanced at one another and hurried off. When I turned to look at Aleen she had a look of surprise on her face, but it quickly turned into a slight smile. She quietly said thank you then ran off. Those were the first words I'd ever heard her speak and I decided that from them on I would help her out and try to become her friend because I think that is what she truly wants and it isn't right for anyone to be completely alone.9
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Author notes
yeah, i know this is in a different format from the other part of my story thus far, but I have limited time because of school so I stuck with the genre that I wrote it in for my english project. Most of the rest of the story will be in my original story format though. Anyways, enjoy.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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Totally pulled me in! Fantasy is always a pleasure, but this one has a particular flare for creativity because its in diary format. Simple yet profound, the imagery and tone completely bring the work to life. I think the best part is:
'When I noticed her sitting alone this evening away from the camp fires I decided to try and talk to her. I told her that I knew what the other girls were saying to her and that I was sorry that I nor anyone else had stopped them. She just continued to blankly stare at the ground but I felt better about apologizing. She didn't seem like someone who was immoral or had done anything wrong but it seemed like she had been through many ordeals.'
This would make a great book- so natural, so real! You kick butt, as usual!
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the switch you made was cool, i like how Rik was first taunted then how he wanted to help but worried about being taunted more, but the way he finally stood up for her was sweet. i wish you would give more details about the characters so i would be able to have a better feel for the characters. but this is a very very intersting story, i wanna see what's gonna happen next
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I have to say I prefer the feel of the first chapter better, mostly because I felt Aleen was speaking right to me. Rik feels distant and almost unfeeling. Like, he talks about how he hates the taunting and how he feels guilt, but he says it so matter of factly. Even if he were to say something like "God, that's so stupid" (Napolean Dynomite, anyone?), it woudl make him feel more human. Also, entry 3 and 4 start with a very similar phrase (the taunting thing), so you might want to alter that.
I'm a nitpicker, I'm sorry. I'm trying to help you, not discourage you. As the first commenter said, it is interesting how you changed the point of view on us. It makes me wonder what aspect of Aleen we'll get to see next! -
Well i like the way you tie in the two charecters so far, You see Aleen in a third person perspective instead of a first. (A person is not going to say I have deep lonely eyes that make people want to help me. From what I have heard of Aleen she would not know much about her looks unless she carries a mirror, I also liked entry 4 and what Rik said, that made me chuckle anyways I hope you find time in your schedual to write another bit. (With me i simply can not be bothered to write anything at the moment.) Thank you for commenting on mine I shall try to write an Unknown part6 but i have an incredible short attention span, ( I get boared of eating lol) oh and thanks for the applause I need point to start a yoda poem compo lol. Back to the story though, as for the new format well it is differnt, it is suppose to be read not heard (as Lonely silence: Aleen was narrated) Keep itup I want to know how Rik and Aleen become friends, (They should, all fantasys have groups) p.s yes i am finally done typing pps if all else fails say it started to rain ducks (what a twist) ppps all this from me I'm failing English lol pppps i just put this hear to boar you haha if you are reading this it worked ppppps i hope thats the right amout of p's lol pppppps i wonder how many points this gets me lol
ppppppps I feel like putting more about the story cause i put so much about me so keep tieing the story togeather hope to hear from you soon pppppppps in about eight years when you finish reading this lol ppppppppps oh damn i forgot what i was going to put here now lol!
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