The young man tossed and turned in a restless sleep, occasionally mumbling nonsense to himself as he dreamed. The forest seemed too quiet around him, almost like the forest was holding its breath to leave the sleeper in peace. 1
In his dream, he stood on the wall of a huge, majestic castle, built entirely of pure white stone. The wind whipped around him, wailing as it blew his hair out of his eyes. Looking down, he saw what looked like a full-scale war. Lined up in shiny neat rows in front of the castle were close to five hundred knights, the sun glinting off of their armor. Facing them across the huge, grassy plain, was a roughly equal amount of men in crude armor, and other creatures that he couldn't see well enough to describe.2
He watched them begin to rush across the field at each other, and as they closed the ground between them, he noticed that the wind, so vocal before, was entirely absent. There was a strange feeling to the air, and as he watched, the deafening rumble of breaking stone shattered the silence. Everyone stopped, confused, as the ground beneath them began to split, large cracks reaching out and dividing like tree roots beneath the fighters' feet. As he watched, the cracks opened, swallowing men screams and all. The last thing he saw was the sky go dark, before the world all around him fractured and broke apart.3
*****4
He woke up with a gasp, looking around him wildly. 'Just a dream,' he thought, calming down and almost closing his eyes again. Then he opened them again, wide this time. Sitting up, he scanned his surroundings carefully this time, taking in the towering trees encircling him. He'd been sleeping in a small clearing, and he had no idea why.5
Looking behind him, he discovered a wadded up cloak he'd been using as a makeshift pillow. He'd been lying on the damp ground for a while, and the wind felt like cold knives against his clammy skin, so he picked up the cloak to put on. As he unfolded it though, he heard something hit the ground with a thud. Wrapping the cloak around his shoulders, he knelt down and picked the object up.6
It was a small black book, smooth to the touch, with no decoration at all save for the title. The title was a single word, but as he looked at it, he felt a sudden certainty that it wasn't meant as a word at all. Instead, as he stared at the neat little red letters that spelled the word 'Grey' out, a huge sense of familiarity rose up in his chest. 7
That's my name," he muttered absently to himself, not really understanding why that was nagging at the back of his mind. Closing his eyes, he tried to backtrack a little and figure out what the problem was. In seconds his eyes snapped back open, a new fear growing inside of them.8
He couldn't remember why he was in a forest, let alone why he'd been sleeping in one. That had been disturbing, but trying to think back, he'd come to an unsettling conclusion. The reason he couldn't remember why he was in a forest was simple, really; he had no memory of anything at all before waking up.9
It occurred to him that he might not have even known his own name before reading it from the book's cover. 10
Thinking fast, he realized that if the book had his name on it, and was with him, then by rights it had to belong to him, and might have some information that would jog his memory. Flipping through the small book, he came across nothing but empty pages. 11
'This is useless,' he thought, closing the book in disappointment. For the second time that day, he saw something fall out and hit the ground: A folded up piece of paper. He unfolded it in front of him and saw that it was a map. It wasn't very detailed, but seemed to include most major towns and rough terrain. There was a red 'x' marked on the map over a town called Haven, and in one blank corner the words 'I'm sorry' were written in the same color. He wasn't sure, but he thought it had to be in someone else's handwriting.12
Seeing a small forest near Haven on the map, he thought to himself 'Maybe that's where I am now, if it is then I should be able to reach this town before night.'13
Encouraged, he started walking at a brisk pace, hoping to maybe find somebody who knew him there, or at least a place to sleep that wasn't cold and wet. He didn't know where he'd learned it, but he had an easy time getting his bearings and figuring out exactly which direction to go. 14
After an hour of walking, he saw tiny flickers of light in the distance, and picked up his pace again. It was starting to get dark, and he wanted to leave the forest before it was too dark to see his way. The lights got closer and closer, and finally he stepped out of the forest entirely and onto a small plain. 15
He stopped for a few seconds to catch his breath, but when he looked up towards the town across the plain, Grey's hopes shattered once again. Even from that distance, he could see that the lights he had been following weren't coming from inside the houses as he'd thought. No, the light was coming from the flames that were swallowing Haven whole in front of him.16
Author notes
OK, somewhat re-edited, it's less words for now but to be fair, less cheese too in favor of subtlety 
. Also, havent updated the following chapters, so read them at your own risk lol.
In a list
- Quirky Fantasy group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Where is the love? by Atticus Unanimous.
325 points, ended November 16, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A is for... ANYTHING!!! by XxXDreamWeaverXxX.
132 points, ended November 20, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Enter What You're Proud Of !!! (2) by tsh369.
875 points, ended November 1, 28 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think of the concept? Did it flow smoothly, or was it hard to follow? etc..
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Oh--this is fantastic. I think it flows very well and it leaves me with so many questions. I'll definitely be following this story. It's a perfect beginning.
~Mab
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Heh, thanks, most people don't seem all that into this once they get to the further chapters
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Gawd i Luved it
Ur skills r amazin my frend n i greatly look up to u!
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It's promising. Me likey. I'll read the rest of the chapters on my own risk, I can't back out now - you got me hooked. 'Gray' - that is his name, isn't it - seems to be an interesting caracter. Can't wait to learn more about him.
The first scene (to say it that way) is great. I can sence his panick when he woke up in the middle of nowhere, out there in the completely unknown world. You know how to get to the readers, I'll continue it most likely tomorow. -
Looks AND talent, too?
Why, you're just the whole package. xD
Anyhoo, storywise, I thought this was pretty solid.
It ran smoothly and the flow was good, it didn't start out with a BANG but it definitely did ask a lot of subtle questions that are simply dying to be answered.
And with that last paragraph, it drug the reader in.
A good first chapter/part/intro whatever.
Perhaps when if I overcome this constant state of lazy I'll read the next parts.
You even get mutant men!
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Noice. I enjoyed this. It did flow pretty nicely and, while not entirely climactic - though the burning Haven was a nice touch, and a good cliff-hangar - it did keep my interest throughout, which is a very good start. I'm very tempted to read the next few chapters to get an idea on what's going on, too. *rubs chin*
P5 - You use "this time" too many times. Sounds a little repetitive to me.
And that's it, off the top of my head. xD
Oh, yeah, you -might- not want to start off sentences with He and His too much, or use those too liberally. Gives it a bit more subtlety and doesn't read like an Roleplay.
Other than that, good read. I give you two palms up! *squeezes imaginary ass in the air* ;D
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Awesome, that's the kind of feedback I'm looking for for this story, or at least the refinished chapters. I'll have to see what I can smooth out when I have more bored time.
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In p.1 the first comma in the first sentence is unecissary.
In p.3 you say, "the cracks opend/ed" twice, so i would suggest substituting one of themfor something else.
Ok, i really enjoyed this. For some reason i just enjoy the general idea of this story. It actually remeinds me of something i red in the past. It was a trilogy about a guy who went between two different worlds everytime he fell asleep and he couldnt figure out which was teh dream world and which was teh real world. I know it isnt that similar, but it remidns me of it. Anyway, good job. I might check out some more of this, have you completed it?
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Oh thanks, I somehow didn't notice any of that the few times I looked it over. Also, at the moment, I only have 3 parts since I wrote them badly the first time around, so it took a while to properly rewrite them. Should progress much faster now though, if you're interested.
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Hello. I'm a tad new here, and this is the first review I've given...
This is a great idea. The character seems extremely interesting. However, I think that this might be a little too structured. Your character has no idea who he is or where he is, and yet when I read this, I felt like he knew a lot still. Maybe you could restructure it to where he makes lucky decisions rather than using logic. (ie, instead of knowing the handwriting on the map is someone else's have him actually discover it later)
Not meaning to rip into this too harshly. I love the concept, and it's still an enjoyable read. I think that by making these adjustments, it would allow it to flow a little nicer and would allow you to stretch your boundaries if you want to spin a thicker web later on.
Big thumbs up, by the by. And sorry this was such a long comment.. -
That was pretty good. Can't wait to read the next chapter.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very good. During the whole thing I kept wondering what was going to happen next. I even started thinking up questions. I think it's very good and you should continue on with this plot. You can do a lot with it. Keep on writin'.
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Hm...this is different from what I usually read, but by no means unfortunate. xD This seems like it holds potential to be a lot. No bounds as to his memory, anyways.
Keep writing.
- HT
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I would like to score this higher, as it's got a creative plot, but your writing lacks detailed description and an obvious voice. When I read it out loud, it sounds like any mediocre paperback fantasy. The dialogue suffers as well--it's a bit stilted and unnatural.
Try and bring the tone down from epic high fantasy to more matter-of-fact and casual. This will bring you closer to the main character; your camera is currently focused on Grey, which would be fine for a film, but the writer is the camera of a novel, seeing what the main character sees and recording it for future reference.
You want textures and smells as well, too. Try and bring more sensory information into your writing. -
This was fantastic. Really. For some reason, I really liked "creatures that ran like men but looked nothing like them."
Just. Yay.
Anyway, I've read a few stories that deal with amnesia, and yours is the first that didn't end up completely cheesy and amateur. Mr. Grey's journal is a compelling plot element. (Do you read Stephen King? I just reminded myself of his work...)
You have me wanting answers to a thousand questions. That's the mark of a talented writer.
Superb work.
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Thanks a lot, I wanna change the ending and maybe one or two bits for the sake of romantic subtlety or whatever you wanna call it, but so far this is the only chapter I'm pretty confident about.
lol I like Stephen King, and I've watched that Dreamcatchers movie way too many times.
and hey, feel free to ask all the questions you want, you're one of the only people at all interested in this story so far lol.
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wow! this was a good peice, i like the way you worked with animsea, and ir's obvious that you worked hard on this peice... a nice twist at the end too... thx for entering my contest...
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Thank you! The book that this is starting is my big project right now, but sadly this is the only chapter anyone feels strongly enough to comment on lol.
And your contest was good, I find so many contests that sound awesome but One rule always ruins my ideas for them.
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Continued?
I like this, it's an interesting was to start a story. Especialy good as the character will be a blank slate and you don't have to write in a load of backstory at the begining, any blanks can be filled in as you go.
I hope to see a sequel
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 3.
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Thanks, a few really random things gave me some of the big ideas and I've had it in my head for about a year or two, only i always deleted what i wrote because i didnt wanna completely ruin it with bad writing lol. I'll definitely be trying to write more in the next few days.
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I like it! It seems like it'd be a great beginning to something. It's got just the right amount of suspense and information-enough so that we aren't confused but not in surplus so we stay interested. It's a hard thing to do(well for me it is). I couldn't find any glaring errors and you had a really nice flow. Good job!
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Thanks, I've had this 'book' idea crashing around in my head for a couple of years now, but this is the first I've written of it that I didn't delete in disgust lol.
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Forgot to tell you I'm going to add this to my finalists list.
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