Lady Moon

The moon rose, still low in the grey sky. Black branches clawed for the sky, jaggedly reaching for the silver sphere.1

A man walked under the harsh trees, wondering at them. His long, black coat lashed the ground, billowing with the wind. There was no shadow stretched out behind him, or in any other direction. His footsteps echoed around the deserted area. He experienced a irresistible urge to fly up above the trees and carrying on soaring until he reached the moon. It called to the tides of his blood, it sang to him, enticing him to come to it.2

With an enormous burst of will he dismissed the summons to the back of his mind, out of experience knowing that it would never truly disappear.3

The grey sky faded deeper into darkness and the moon rose higher. With his heightened senses the Man With No Name heard the sea washing against the shore, feverishly reaching for the unreachable, for the sea's temptation, the planet in a spiral around Earth, never coming closer and never going further away. Their version of Tartarus' punishment, to always see but never be able to reach.4

Unable to resist anymore the man Changed, a bat was in its place. Rising up and up it strove to reach higher heights, but no matter what it did it always had to come down, either from lack of air or energy. The moon's temptation was always stronger with a full moon, the only time he could Change. It felt like his lifeblood flowing through his veins, like the sweet water that he longed to drink. 5

Even though the call never left him in peace he couldn't imagine life without it. He waited anxiously for Full Moon, in agony until it came. No satisfaction arrived but he was like a starving man who received a crumb to eat once a month. 6

With new resolve he rose up faster and faster, higher and higher. The air grew so thin that his small bat head grew dizzy and felt faint, he kept on going. Suffocation was imminent yet he carried on. Finally he collapsed unconscious and fell back to Earth, cursed Earth. He dropped like a stone, his fall only broken by the long, wicked arm of a tree, it too striving for what it could never have, the sun.7

A new sensation woke the bat, the smell of it's own blood. Blood was the only thing that could numb the pain of the Moon Call. It joined it's brethren in seeking out fresh blood.8

Vampire's doom.

Author notes

Lady Moon

Fav food: Mango

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • ThisIsMyWonderland
    February 7

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    I love the openning but when you say "the moon rose, still low..." It doesn't make sense. Maybe its just the way I am reading it.

    "The grey sky faded deeper into darkness and the moon rose higher"

    Maybe it should be "...darkness AS the..."

    I love your way with words . I can picture all the scenes to a tee.

    Unfortunetly, I don't see a plot. I just see the setting.
    You took paragraphs to tell about the surroundings and only a few to tell the climax. I think if you add more emotion into his pain it would pull each vision together.

    Otherwise, great job with your story.
    Thank you for entering my contest.


  • Melli
    December 14, 2008

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    I like the opening line, the first paragraph. Great discription! Also, i love "tides of his blood", that was amazing and so unique.

    Okay, so now onto the story... It was pretty simple, in my mind anyways. It didn't really have much structure, i mean it seems like there wasn't much to the story at all, and thats what kind of sucked. You had AMAAZING details though! That much is for sure. There was one of two places where it wasn't so flowing, but you could change that later. Thnks for submitting this into my contest! Good luck, and have fun!

    KEEP WRITTING!!!

    -Melli<33


  • SchizoMatt
    November 14, 2008

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    Nice job. Finally, someone uses a vampire bat-form. Very nice. Short but sweet. My only problem is the descriptive language seems a little wordy and stops abruptly near the beginning. The rest of it is perfect though.


  • DevotedToGod
    November 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    awesome!!
    i love vampires!!
    im obsessed with them!!

  • Elegant Inspirer
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really, really enjoyed your descriptions of the trees and surroundings but the storyline didn't cut it for me love. There were a few spelling errors nothing major or anything close to DQ worthy but just thought I would mention them.
    Paragraph 2 a irresistable to an irresistible
    Paragraph 5 it's to its
    and Paragraph 6 recieved to received
    I loved your discription of the trees and the ocean and what not but you never described him. In some stories you can get away with that but this one wasn't one of those. If you put more about the generic stuff about him like his cloak, shoes and hair. And described that like how the cloak swished in the breeze or something. Ya know? Describe what he looks like. You don't have to define him as a character because it’s such a short piece but give us the picture in your mind. We want to see what you see. If you leave too much up to the imagination it becomes a less likable piece.

    Thanks for entering!
    Best of luck in future writing!

    Elli


  • WaterBottle
    November 2, 2008

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    Good so far.......

    There should be more added, not such a great flow, but interesting nonetheless. I liked how the man turned into a bat striving for the moon, and I liked how you described the surroundings like the trees....still needs something more though.=)

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