There was a sigh in the darkness. A match was lit and light shown into the room for a few seconds. There were two men, one was tall ,and holding the match so the light was especially bright on him. He was tall and had white hair with a hat on. His beard was short and brown. He wore a trench coat with gaping holes all over it, and his pants and shirts were black with holes in them also.1
The other man was sitting down on a crate so you couldn't see his clothes. His face ,however, was long and looked like he never smiled. He had black hair and no beard. His eyes were red with rage.2
The match went out and the two men were surrounded with darkness once again. There was a small sound from what seemed like the other room. It sounded like a shuffle of feet. On man reached into his pocket and pulled out a gun. This man moved toward an opening in the wall and shot the gun through it.3
There was a screech and a loud sound of a body hitting the wall, was heard by the men. The man moved away from the hole and pointed his gun at the wall. He got the other man to stand up and pull out his gun too. The wall fell down and hit the black haired man in the head knocking him out.4
The other man fired his gun and there were flashes of light that the gun had caused. The thing that had knocked down the wall had not been affected by the gun. For a split second you could see the shape of the beast. It had huge shoulders and legs. It's skin was gray and face deformed. the eyes seemed to be human but at the same time weren't. 5
"We have to go,"Said the white haired man. He jumped to the side and didn't get hit by the charge of the beast. 6
He fired off several rounds of the gun but there was still no affect. The man ran out the opening into the next room. He could hear the black haired man behind him. He was screaming. The white haired man lite one more match and could see the beast in full form. 7
It was eating the man through dismemberment. The blood was dripping from the mouth of the beast which had the head hanging out of it. The neck bone was still showing. The man's body had a leg missing and blood was pouring out the empty neck. 8
"It is spreading" said the white haired man. He ran out the other side of the wall into the darkness.
A contest entry
- Scare Me by PsychoticVampiress.
115 points, ended December 3, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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by the way it is my first story here so give me some slack
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Constructive Criticism
You've got the good makings for this becoming a relatively good novella series. However, what is holding you back is the confusion- matched with the miss-matched grammar, which in turns, throw your reading audience off.
In paragraph one, say LIT in sentence two; place a space b/t SHORT & AND
Para. 3: Accidentally misspelled 'surrounded'. Don't forget to capitalize the 'T' in "this"
Para. 4: Misspelled 'screech'
Para. 5: Go past tense...knocked; use/say AFFECTED and not effected
Para. 6: Need a space at the beginning
Para. 7: Lit....not lite
Para. 8: Insert the word, WAS after 'bone' and before 'still'. Otherwise the entire sentence becomes forcibly awkwardbeginning: 2, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 2, dialog: 1, characters: 2.
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but did you like the story and remember to check bakc thursday next week for epidoe 2.
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i ment to say that there were tears as in gaping holes
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Oh I see
They are spelled the same. UGH, the english language can be so confusing sometimes 
I wonder if you could clarify it by saying something like the tears were jagged around the edges
just an idea 
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P1 lite/lit
'...two men(,) one was tall(,) and..'
'He was tall (and) had white hair...'
shortand/short and
'He wore a trench coat with tears all over it, and his pants and shirts were black with tears in them also.' This line is confusing. What do you mean by 'tears all over it'? Maybe rephrase it by saying 'it was wet with tears' or something along those lines.
P2 'His face however(,) was long...'
P3 watch your spelling errors.
P4 screach/screech
'...hitting the wall(,) was heard by...'
to/too
P5 the 'beast' needs more description.
Very interesting and what could be a very gory story. In my humble opinion you need to show us and not just tell us what is happening in the story. There isn't much in the way of desciption. Also don't forget to use all five senses; taste, touch, sight, sound and smell.
Good luck and welcome to SW
Brooke
greeter
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its a good story and i want you to keep going make a renovel one
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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check back thursday for episode 2
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confusing, you should work on your editing
try maybe to make it cleeareer.
the part where the beast comes in confused me but clear that up and it will be good
i feel there will be a sequel yes no?
anyway woek onn that
see you around
you have gotta love this
sometimes i think i have no life
i am going to shuttup now
after this
i like this too
i am really going on too long
I am shutting up now
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