Giving In : A Leaving the Light Excerpt

I had a lot to think about in that short walk to Miss Kama's room. I had just broken my word, not only to the King, but to her. Was there anything I could do to save my skin?1

I doubt it. I didn't have much time to think about it as I was already approaching her door.2

I knocked softly and the door drifted open a little. I pushed it gently forward and immediately registered the dark room. At first I thought no one was home until I noticed there was light; just one candle across the room on a small night stand next to the bed. The small yellow light hardly glittered off the wroth iron frame. "Mistress?" I asked timidly as I stepped inside.3

"Come in child." Miss Kama bid. She sat on the edge of the bed, legs crossed, in full dominatrix garb that I could only make out because of the light glinting off the metal rings connecting the pieces. 4

I found myself on edge, not because of what this portended. I had no doubt before I even left the slave court I would face some sort of punishment. It was the decision I had come to right at that moment. A decision I had dreaded for years, one I knew I inevitably had to come to. 5

I dropped to my knees surrendering to her. I only saw her well-polished toenails. "Mistress Kama please help me. Make me like you" 6

My heart stopped beating. Would she refuse me? Did she not like my motives? 7

"So it has finally happened? You've finally broke." Her voice revealed no surprise.8

No, that's not it, did she not understand? I didn't and said so. 9

"Yes you do, you just wont admit it to yourself. They tortured you, verbally abused you, led you to believe you were insane, threatened you with a dark future and still you held your own against them." I shook my head in protest but I knew it wasn't my turn to speak. "Oh you may have gone through the motions, done everything to convince them and yourself that you had given in. In your heart you knew you hadn't." She let that sink in for a moment. She was right I had adapted to them but really I was just biding my time waiting for the right moment to come when I could stand against them. Until… "It was something you did not plan on that would break you. The King knew though. He knows everything. Bram got to you, made you feel guilty and now you will do anything to win him; even become one of us. 10

"It wasn't Bram though; he was only the catalyst. You've done it to yourself. Right down to making yourself feel guilty about doing what comes naturally; helping others."11

No, no, this was wrong, all wrong. I had decided to serve Bram as I would any other. Hadn't I? At least until I became his equal. Hadn't I? This decision wasn't because of him. The tug-of-war spectacle wasn't either. I was… It was… I didn't want to wait anymore; to second guess when it happened. The world outside didn't appeal to me anymore. I didn't want to be afraid of getting in trouble whenever I did something like that. That was why. I hadn't given in. I was just trying to circumvent them. That was all.12

"Antoniette." Ugh, it was her lecture tone. "It is not necessarily a bad thing to give in. I shall prove it. Stand up." I stood up. "There you see." So I followed her command, so what, it's become automatic over the years. Besides what I would do for her was different from what I would do for other vampires.13

She decided to take it one step further. She reached onto a drawer while saying, "Hold out your hands." I did so. She was now standing before me, I wasn't looking at her, but at my hands and what she held before them. She seemed to hesitate as she brought the handcuffs up to my wrist. How long had it been since it came to this? We had worked so long on my etiquette I had almost forgotten her other hobby. 14

"Are you all right with this?" What a silly question, as if I had a choice. I nodded but my insides clenched into a tiny ball and that ball was bouncing around trying to break out of my skin. It sprang into my throat and stayed there. I gulped trying to push it down. She stopped, noticing this just as she was about to close the second cuff about my wrist. "You do have a choice. I can stop now. You'd prove me wrong."15

It was a tough choice. To give in to her completely; being handcuffed would remove any freedom of movement let alone will I had. Not agreeing would mean I still had fight in me, it also meant I'd be subjected to more and more of the torture I've already gone through. Would giving in mean I had I gone through it for nothing? Would it just mean an end to the pain? If I gave in, could I move on beyond it? That's what I was betting on. I still couldn't speak so I nodded. The cold metal pressed against my wrist with a few clicks and it was done.16

She shifted me a few inches to the right and moved my arms so that they were above my head. I repressed a shiver as I knew what was coming and it reminded me of the most horrible night of my life. Those memories, too, I repressed. I couldn't allow them to cause me fear. For I knew Miss Kama would feed off my fear. A hook grabbed hold of the chain between the cuffs and with the press of a button it receded into the ceiling pulling my arms up along with it. My heels then finally toes left the ground and I was suspended helpless, fully at Mistress Kama's mercy.17

"Now, for the fun part." She purred. The candle went out and the world around me went black. 18

My heart pounded and despite all my effort I started to panic a little. I wasn't afraid of the dark. Okay, maybe I was a little afraid of what roamed in it. It was the memories that scared me: the taunting, the starvation, the depression. "Give into it." Miss Kama's voice broke through the black and fought to be heard over my raging thoughts. "Allow yourself to feel the darkness." Easy for her to say, I had other feelings going on at the moment. 19

A hand settled on my lower back. I suddenly felt a lot calmer. I was not alone, and I would not be left to be deprived of all senses. "There are other senses. You have depended on the sight too long. Do you understand now?" The hand smoothly worked its way under my shirt. It was warm and left a tingling sensation on the path it tread up to my shoulder blades. "Giving in to one sensation can mean leaving behind another, less needed one."20

The hand nimbly unlatched my bra and it slid off along with my shirt, which I had just realized had been cut off me. The hands now roamed my torso unencumbered. My pants left my body without any fight and I found myself totally in her power. I did not feel as vulnerable as I did in that little room with the IV hooked up to my arm and Keir hovering over me. For all I knew it could be Keir before me now. My eyes couldn't adjust to this total darkness but as she said there were other senses and I heard the breathing of two people only inches away.21

The hands, which were decidedly masculine, they certainly didn't have Miss Kama's long nails and were a bit rougher and wider than hers, moved over my breasts with the lightest touch. I couldn't help being aroused. I no longer felt fear or even the lump in my throat. His hands explored every inch of my body never teasingly. It was almost as if he were memorizing my skin to make a mold. 22

I shivered now but for a different reason. My muscles had lost all their tension by the time his hand reached my face for the second time. His thumbs caressed my cheeks and brushed over my lips. I couldn't help myself I kissed one. Then his lips brushed against mine. He lingered for a moment checking what my response would be. I kissed back. His lips moved between mine separating them making way for his tongue that I accepted. 23

I hadn't realized it before, but as Miss Kama said, giving in to it allows you to feel other things. Or in this case: taste. His taste was familiar. Of course it could have been one of forty or so vampires here. There was more. It was pleasurable, that much was for sure. Almost too much so, as if he knew what made me feel pleasure. Then I realized why he tasted, even smelled familiar. I broke off the kiss and almost spat in his face. 24

"Bram!"25

It was like having icy water thrown on you during the best dream. I wanted to move away but the chains kept me hanging. I thought about kicking him but decided that would not be good. Knowing my thoughts he backed away from me. "Get me down! Let me go!" They started lowering me before my second exclamation was out.26

Miss Kama had me enveloped in her arms before my feet fully hit the ground. She made calming noises. My hands shook so badly she had a hard time getting the handcuffs off. It wasn't until they were that I realized I could see them. Bram must have gone around the room lighting candles.27

"Wwwhat tthe Hell…" I tried to yell but Miss Kama continued to shush me until I stopped shaking. Miss Kama had me half lying on the floor and she grabbed a blanket to wrap around me. 28

Bram now knelt near us. He seemed afraid to touch me, as he should be. He did look concerned with those big, puppy dog eyes.29

I took many slow deep quivering breaths before I was calm enough to make whole words. "Why did you do this to me?"30

Bram abruptly looked ashamed. "We didn't think you'd react so violently."31

"Really? After everything else, you didn't think I'd get upset at you for tying me up and raping me?"32

"It's not like that."33

"Antoniette, you were perfectly willing when you thought it was me."34

I wanted to snap at her instead I kept my voice low and under control. I still didn't look at her. "You've betrayed my trust again. How long was he here? The entire time?"35

"Yes." He admitted. "I will not share what you asked of her with anyone."36

"You don't like it though, do you? That I asked her and not you."37

"You already knew I could not. Yet you are correct, it hurts a little."38

I was a little amazed at his honesty. He moved to place his hand on my leg. I may be moved by his words but I wasn't quite over what just happened. I had overcome my initial shock so I stood to get away from him. 39

I had a right to be indignant: they had ambushed me again! This was the second time they had done this to me and I had a good mind to walk out on them. "Antoniette, do not walk out that door."40

I stopped. What else could I do? I wrapped the blanket tighter around me then slumped into a chair. 41

"Sit up straight." Mistress Kama snapped.42

Oh so it was this again? She was trying to assert control over me. I ignored her. "I suppose you're sleeping with Kama now too?"43

"I asked him here for only one reason, just as I did you."44

"Oh great a threesome. Why don't you just call in Keir and we'll have an all out orgy." I turned away from them. "No thanks."45

"It's not like that." Bram said as the Mistress also spoke.46

"You will not disrespect me."47

"At least Keir is honest about what he does. He never deceived me into thinking he would be gentle." I was not upset. It hurt me to finally realize this about our relationship.48

"I've never lied to you." Bram said.49

"You've also never been fully honest with me."50

"Give me some credit won't you?" He pounded his fist to his chest.51

"Give me a break!" I screamed back.52

"You thick skulled Cro-Magnon!" 53

"Bram!" Miss Kama moved to soothe him and apparently to keep him from putting a fist through her armoire. She wasn't fast enough. 54

I cringed at the sound of splintering wood. It didn't even faze him. "You expect me to apologize to someone who won't even listen?!"55

"Why should I listen to a liar?" My voice trembled as I cried.56

A whip cracked and shook me to the very bones without even coming near me. Mistress Kama now had my complete attention. "Calm yourself. This is not helping." She practically pushed him onto the bed where he sat silently. "Both of you calm down, now!"57

"Yes, Mistress." I whispered. Bram just sat there.58

"Toni, you say listening is one of your best traits. Do so now."59

"Yes, Mistress."60

"And you!" Miss Kama yelled at Bram when he started having cocky thoughts. "You know how fragile this situation is. How I'm trying to build up her confidence and you go screwing with her head."61

"Forget about it." Bram snapped. "You can't protect everybody, especially those too stubborn to accept your help." 62

A name popped in my head, Darika. Where the Hell did that come from? Not from me. From Miss Kama or Bram? Where did I hear that name before? What did it have to do with this? Not that Bram cares enough to protect anyone. Had he not protected Darika? I shook the thought out of my mind when Mistress Kama glared at me. I was supposed to be listening.63

"I won't forget about it. You should have been more tactful." She turned back and pointed her whip at me. "You think Bram is selfish? You've got that poor man wrapped around your finger. You're the one who thinks the world must circle around you. It is not enough for you to have the attention of the King you must also intimidate the slaves into following you. You contrive schemes to get them to fawn over you then you leave them to clean up the mess."64

Inside I wanted to argue and scream at her, "Why don't you take responsibility for making me this way?" There was no way in Hell I would ever confront her though. I dipped my head in shame and remained silent.65

"Maybe it is selfish of him to want you to love him, or to want you to focus your attention on him for once. Maybe that's why he goes to these extremes to get your attention."66

"Actually I was trying to bridge-"67

"Bram, you need to listen for a moment also." Miss Kama barked. "Toni, I'm sorry you haven't learnt the right lessons from me. I haven't been a perfect role model. There are some people I have hurt because I haven't trusted them fully." She took my hand pulled me up and walked me to the bed. She set me down next to Bram. Neither of us looked at the other. "Bram, I'm sorry I've interfered between the both of you. I'm sorry for what I did today and what I've done before. Now, I want the two of you to talk through this, calmly, no raised voices. Toni, tell him how you feel about your relationship."68

"I don't know." I sulked.69

"Bram?" Miss Kama asked.70

"I love you unequivocally." He said to me.71

"Really now? Then why do you keep giving me mixed messages?"72

"How?"73

"Hello! First, you say 'Keir's not that bad.' Then you fight with Keir. Then you say, 'you shouldn't trust Keir.' Then you make out with him!" I threw my arms in the air. "What am I supposed to think?"74

"Calmly, Antoniette." Mistress Kama warned.75

"Would you rather have seen me making out with Erik?" He asked sharply.76

"That's just wrong! Erik's dead." 77

"Before."78

"No, it's still just wrong." I couldn't imagine Erik kissing another man. Of course before this I couldn't imagine Bram kissing another man. Besides, it really is disrespectful for him to even imply such a thing. His eyes told me that I might be wrong. Bram would know as he had lived with these people longer than I.79

"This is how it is." Bram explained, "I was tired of hiding the relationships between us vampires from you. I felt you have the right to the truth and I rather you learn it from me than find out the hard way."80

That wasn't the hard way? Well then I probably didn't want to know what was. "So the truth is you're gay and you don't want to have a relationship with me?"81

"No. I do. Only you need to know relationships here are free flowing and not always what they seem."82

"So there's no loyalty here?"83

"Quite the contrary." Miss Kama said. "Our loyalty to the clan as a whole solidifies. We all feel we owe each other."84

"Why didn't you warn me?" I asked resignedly.85

"Would you have acted any differently?"86

"Yes." No, of course not. If you find out the man you love is sleeping with another man you wouldn't be too happy either.87

"Exactly."88

"Stop that!" I immediately put my shields up. He didn't need to be reading or manipulating my thoughts. I collected them anyway and said, "We've had dinner with him before. Why couldn't you have done something like that and told me then instead?"89

"In fact that's what I was planning. Things just… It just happened."90

"And why didn't you tell me before? Why wait until now?"91

Bram looked nervously to Miss Kama. "I was going to that first night at dinner. I just don't think you were quite ready at that time."92

"Oh and I'm ready now?"93

"Actually, I think it was Bram who was not ready." Miss Kama interjected. 94

The room fell silent as we stared at him, neither of us believing what she said, for two separate reasons.95

"Are you in love with him?" I asked Bram.96

"There are many-"97

"Are you in love with him?!" I asked more forcefully, he knew I didn't mean any other kind of love other than that I thought we shared. 98

"No."99

I was at an impasse. He believes he loves me and yet he hurt me deeply. How was I to accept he wouldn't do so again?100

Frustrated by my silence Mistress Kama stomped to her armoire. She had a hard time opening it because of the new hole Bram so kindly added. She nearly ripped the door off as she fussed with it for a moment or two. When it finally opened, she took the hanging clothes in one swoop threw them onto the floor. She then destroyed the armoire more by ripping off the back paneling. I was starting to feel a bit vulnerable here as everyone around me ripped things to shreds. 101

She didn't tear the thing to splinters as I expected. Instead she pulled something else out from the back of the cabinet. It appeared to be a large painting, about four feet tall and two or three wide in an elegant wood frame. "You have doubts about his love? Would he have commissioned me… me to paint this if he didn't love you?" She turned it around so I could see it. 102

Somehow what I saw didn't surprise me. It was like looking into a mirror but one that changed what I wore into an elegant flowing green gown. A light wind had just rustled it to the left. The eyes appeared too be looking off in the distance and the small grin made one think she had found what she was searching for. What seemed a little out of place was the thing that was a constant association with Bram or perhaps he always associated it with me. She limply held a sword in her left hand. The flowing dress mostly obscured it but it clearly was the sword Bram kept locked in his room. The wings that composed the guard were clearly visible and a bit of the dragon head pommel stuck out the other side of her closed hand. Contrastingly, she held out a bouquet of wildflowers in her other hand as if in offering. The background was a tender green meadow with blue sky, fairly simplistic compared to the rest of the oil painting.103

I couldn't help it. Tears started flowing. I put a hand out to touch it, just to see if it was real. 104

Miss Kama spoke with a bit of sympathy. "When will you accept that he does love you, only you, and wants the best for you?"105

"I know he loves me… But…" I sniffled and looked around for something to blow my nose with. Bram, like a gentleman, presented me with a handkerchief. I took it and blew gently as I knew etiquette demanded. I didn't look at him. I couldn't. My chest pressed in on me as my shame filled it.106

They waited for me. "I can't-" I didn't know how to say it. I couldn't say it, but I had to. If I didn't I would be lying to them. "I can't love you." I threw myself face first into the pillows.107

"I think the issue here might be trust. You both have problems with this."108

"Not trust." He said.109

I met his eyes then. I felt it, I felt what he was going to say, maybe not because I could feel his thoughts. I could feel what he felt inside me. Don't say it Bram, for my sake, please don't say it. He didn't hear my plea. 110

"Fear," he said. Miss Kama watched us both and knew it to be true. "I don't think either of us fear my hurting you at least physically."111

"No," I agreed.112

"You do fear me though, don't you?"113

I didn't answer at first. I didn't know if I did fear him or not. After all, this was a new revelation. Then it occurred to me the reason I couldn't pin down my fear was I looked in the wrong place. Miss Kama had hinted to it just a little while ago. "I fear myself, what I may become. I fear you losing your love of me because of it."114

"You know that will never happen." 115

"That's just it. I don't know that." 116

"You fear the unknown more than me."117

I think he was right. One of my biggest pet peeves is waiting and that's mostly because I hardly ever know what is going to happen when the thing I'm waiting for arrives. There were so many things looming in my future that was unknown. I was afraid to commit to anything right now, for fear it might be wrong or wind up hurting me later on or worse; hurting someone else. Who's to say if I fulfill this prophecy I don't become such a horrible person in the process that I kill anyone who gets in my way? Including Bram.118

"You can not live life in a shell. Eventually you have to face those fears. Give in to it and deal with what you are handed." Miss Kama advised.119

Bram's advice was more useful. "I know it's corny but live life one day at a time. Don't try to second guess it like begging to become one of us. Enjoy your life right now and worry about that later."120

He stood and reached out his hand towards me. "Come here, please." 121

Would he tie me up again? I knew I should do as they said and just give in. "Letting go of your fears is not the same as giving in to us." Miss Kama said.122

All right then. I took his hand and he helped me to my feet then led me to Miss Kama. What was I to do with her, get on my knees and ask forgiveness.123

"What do you see?" He waved his hand to the painting she let lean against her.124

It was like the last time he made me look into the mirror. Only this time I wasn't rawboned I had plumped up a bit since I got over the ordeal of the whipping. Now I fear I wouldn't fit into the dress she wore. I had the hardest time finding compliments for myself. "That's not me. I don't look like her. I'm run down, weak..."125

"You are just as beautiful as that painting. Yet that's not what I intended. Look into her eyes and tell me what you see."126

I shrugged. I didn't know what kind of answer he wanted from me. It was a two dimensional drawing. There could be no life behind them. Yet she stared right back at me as if she was the one examining the artwork that I lived in. She scrutinized me showing no trepidation she would not back down and had the sword to prove it. Yet she was also compassionate. This was not me.127

"Just like looking in the mirror, you don't see what's right in front of you." Miss Kama admonished.128

Bram said, "I don't see any difference between the woman I'm holding and the one in that painting. What I see in her eyes is intrepidity and desire. She will stop at nothing to get what she wants. One could be afraid of such things. I choose not to be."129

How could I have treated him so horribly? While I was in his arms I couldn't believe I ever felt anything but love for him. I came to the conclusion that Keir must have brainwashed me. There was no other reason for how I've acted. I rose to come close enough to kiss him.130

He stopped me. His brow furrowed and something flashed in his eyes that I didn't like. "Damn! I have to go. Don't lose that feeling though." He kissed me quickly on the forehead and rushed out the door.131

I blinked several times at Kama. Her befuddled face reflected what I felt. "What just happened?"132

"I'm not sure."133

"It's not something I did. Should I have not tried to kiss him?"134

"No child, I think something else is going on beyond our control."135

"Oh." Without her permission I sat back on the bed and started examining the fine thread work on the blanket wrapped about me. Now without him here I felt empty. Some of my fears returned. Maybe it had all been an act. Finally I got up the nerve to ask. "Did he really ask you to paint that?"136

"Would I have gone through all this if he hadn't?"137

No, I suppose not. It was a lot more work than to just be Miss Kama exerting her manipulation skills. It was more apparent when she set the painting against the armoire, poured herself a drink and sat across the room from me. Obviously she had no intention of flirting with me while Bram was not in the room. Did she expect him back? How long should I sit here? Damn, I hated not knowing.138

Maybe this was just another exercise to get me to let go of that. I took a deep breath then decided to start a conversation. I pointed to the painting. "Why don't you have one of Kenneth?"139

"Why should I?"140

I shrugged. "I got the impression you were in love with him."141

She guffawed.142

"He misses you, you know."143

"It's not polite to get involved in other people's business."144

"You're not one to talk." I pointed at the painting again.145

A grin spread across her face. "And here I thought you had learnt nothing."146

Bram did not return and I spent the rest of the time discussing with Kama about Kenneth and my trip to Florida. While the night did not turn out as she had planned, I left feeling more secure and happier than when I had entered.147