Jade woke up that morning with a big smile on her face. It was Halloween, and she was going to the shops with her mother to get a new Halloween costume. She kicked her Bratz doona off onto the floor, and called out to her mum as she came out of her bedroom door.1
“Mum can you get me a witch’s costume? You know, that one we saw in the window of Pete’s Warehouse,” pleaded Jade.2
“I want that costume,” called out a voice from the bedroom, opposite Jade’s room.3
It was Taylor, Jade’s eleven year old sister. They were always butting heads. 4
“Calm down Taylor. Don’t you think your getting a little old to be walking the streets , trick or treating in a witch’s costume?” asked mum.5
“I will not calm down. She always gets everything that’s new and I have to put up with Rachel’s hand me downs,” screamed Taylor.6
She was crying that loudly, the Neighbours started gathering out the front on their newly turfed lawn.7
‘’We need to hurry; the sale at the warehouse only goes for an hour. You both need to get yourselves dressed quickly”, said mum.8
“Mum can I come?” Rachel asked, stretching up her arms to put her white jumper on, with pink embroidery on the front. “I heard all the noise, about witch’s costumes and I must have one too. I’m going trick and treating with Diane tonight.”9
“If I’m too old, Rachel’s too old. She’s way older then me. Sixteen is way too old,” said Taylor, interrupting her mother.10
“We’ll see what happens when we get to the store,” said mum.11
Jade and Taylor both got their jeans on .Jades were black with a white belt, with shiny studs on it. Taylors were blue and the belt was the same, except it was black. They put matching jackets on and they both started arguing about that.12
Julie grabbed the keys and said, “Let’s go please.” 13
She locked the door and off they went to get their costumes.14
Jade put her round freckled face right up to the window of Pete’s Warehouse, looking wide eyed at the mannequin. But, it didn’t have the witch’s costume on that she wanted so much.15
Jade decided to run in ahead of the others to ask the lady at the shop behind the counter, where her witch’s costume was. When she opened the door, a bell jingled an eerie moaning sound. A sound she had never heard before, when she had been to Pete’s store on other shopping trips.16
Jade didn’t see the shop lady, but she did come across a door in the back of the shop. She grew curious and started to open the big round black door. The shape of the door made the door look different.17
On the other side of the door was a dusty tunnel. Up ahead there was a silhouette of a strange person.18
“Do you want this costume? It’s yours if you want it. But you have to do something first for me.”19
“Yes, but what do I have to do?” asked Jade.20
“Come closer and I will tell you,” said the strange person.21
Jade felt scared, but moved closer and right up near the eerie figure.22
Just then he reached out his hand to grab her and Jade started screaming.23
“What’s the matter?” asked mum, shaking Jade awake.24
“Oh, I must have had a bad dream.”25
“Come on we’ve got to get to the sale at Pete’s store,” said mum.26
“No, I think I’ll give the sale a miss, “said Jade.27
I'm thinking of changing and expanding the ending. A few tips would be helpful
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I quite enjoyed it, it was a cute little tale.
I definitely think that there's room for expansion at the ending.
Why not do a double dream?
From here:
“What’s the matter?” asked mum, shaking Jade awake.24
“Oh, I must have had a bad dream.”
You could take it something else sinister and bad happening and then she awakes again.
The 'it was all a dream' is a bit cliched, but maybe if you do it twice it could be more of an ironic thing?
Just a suggestion anyway.
Good luck.
Chu -
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I'm sorry I never got back to you ib December. i've had a lot going on with the kids. Anyways thanks for your kind comments.
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mmm, didn't make much sense, and there were some repeating words... although I did like how she woke up to find it all a weird dream.
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If you knew it was a dream at the end. What'S there to make sense of. I asked for tips on how to,maybe fix up the ending. The story makes alot of sense, THANKYOU!
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No offense intended Ms.. I don't think your eding needs fixing up much.
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