The Forbidden Time


Chapter One- 1

It was a dark night, all I could hear was rain, pouring down on the roof of my house. And the sound of thunder booming around me. I stood shivering in my house-coat, and watched, the rain, through the window.2

Beyond the rain. I saw puffs of toxic smoke, billowing up into the stormy sky. I shook my head sadly. Then turned my back to the window, to look at... The Time Machine!3

4

I had started working on the Time Machine, when I was about four. Thats when I realized what would happen to our country if we kept putting these awful fumes into the air. At first, I was omptimistic. I thought that if i could convince enough people that we were killing the world by making toxic fumes, that we would stop. By thinking that I was blinding myself to the world. Just like everyone else. At age Seven, I stopped trying to convince people. And started on the time machine. I guess you could say I'm a bit of a child geunius. Now at age eleven, my time machine is finally finished.  5

It is six feet tall, and has two bullet-proof windows, a funny looking nest of wire at the very top (they conect to the time adapter, making sure it the right time), and five or six yellow light bulbs (they give warning signals if something is coming to close to it.).6

I opened the small door, and peered inside. went through my mental check-list. making sure I had everything.  of course, I did. 7

I clambered in the small seat, I had covered with foam,and then a comfy cloth, and set the time I wanted to vist. 2029, twenty-one years in the future, and pressed the go botton. I closed my eyes tight, and felt the pit in my belly drop way, to complete emptiness. As I flew into the future.    8

 9

Author notes

DO NOT READ THIS! I AAAM WORKING ON ANOTHER STORY I AM JUST GOING TO IGNORE THIS ONE, SORRY IF YOU LIKE IT.

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Comments


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    November 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    P1 'It was a dark night(. A)ll I could hear was rain pouring down on the roof of my house(, a)nd the sound of thunder booming around me.' I would make the first sentence one sentence. In the second sentence remove the comma after rain and combine this sentence with the next sentence by replacing the period with a comma.
    Also in the last sentence remove the commas after watched and rain.

    P2 Remove the period after rain and smoke. I take it the Time Machine was a surprise?

    P3 Thats/That's
    '...that(,) I was blinding myself to the world(,) just like everyone else.'
    don't capitalize seven and combine the next sentence by removing the period and replacing it with a comma.

    P5 IMHO leave the () out and use commas instead.

    P6 replace period after inside with a comma and remove the period after list and capitalize Of course.

    P7 last line needs to be combined with the line before it.

    This was really good. You just need to go over it for a good edit.

    Great job and welcome to SW
    Brooke
    greeter